Son has stolen cash from me again

[Spopssas]

When he was around 11 he spent nearly £400 on mydebit card. Lied about it consistently before the evidence became irrefutable. The fallout was huge.

He is now nearly sixteen and I've just discovered he's stolen nearly £200 in cash from my safe. He must have hunted hard for the key. I confiscated his controller and headphones - he just got them out of the car when I was at work this morning.

I'm gutted and confronted him tonight, calling him a thief and a blatant liar. Which he is. He has shown no remorse.

He called me a fat cunt and has locked himself in his bedroom.

I just want him out tbh.

Has he considered the Navy or RAF, the likelihood of dying is very slim but it has the same structure that he seems to enjoy!

My brother did all of this and then some. Since my ADHD diagnosis it’s really clear to me that he has it too. After decades of comparison to our “narcissistic” father, in the end the genetic component came from our maternal line.

I don’t blame our mother for dropping the ball when he was 15. She was on her knees. But I was not enough to fill the role of the adult he needed in his life. And my lack of ability to fill that hole condemned him to the wrecking ball future he made for himself, and created for the children he abandoned.

Involving social services (as limited as they might be due to scarce resources) is a start. With also looking for local-ish charities aimed at helping teenagers at a turning point. He may never change. He may get worse. But his only chance at this point is adult oversight that isn’t coloured by “you are just like your dad”. My siblings and I internalised the labelling from both sides. It can feel like a fruitless task to control your behaviour in your teens, because you are (at least) half worthless, awful, bad genes.

The £400 you are willing to pay for rent might be better spent on a quality psychiatrist for a less “coloured by personal experience” diagnosis and then appropriate therapeutic intervention. It may come to naught. But you will have tried to do your absolute best by your child. Who was the least powerful, most voiceless and had the fewest choices of the mother/father/offspring triad.

I don’t think this can be achieved while he lives with you, so it may be that he has to go into a living facility provided by the state while you find the professional input that is his best chance of a non-awful adulthood.

I have every sympathy for how you feel. My mother was devastated and the constant sense of threat (in every sense of the word) was not something anybody should be required to live with. It is just not do-able, reasonable or helpful to expect that. But I feel for your son too. Because it’s far from and easy starting path in life when you grow in the shadow of being half “something worthless at best”.

The situation is really complex OP.

My ds is older now but around this age he became very addicted to a particular online game. And when I say addicted, I really mean it. It consumed him, changed him and it was the only thing that was of any importance to him. I am a single mum too and so didn't have a lot of male irl support.

I did do the cutting off the internet etc but he got clever and hijacked the neighbours wifi, would claim to be staying over with a friend to use their access etc etc. He started failing at school and just was a completely different kid.

We had to have a drastic change, which involved the whole household. I changed the WiFi package so it wasn't unlimited, so I could use when I needed and changed the password often. As he could hack the password easily.

I enrolled him in a sport which is quite male oriented, he wasn't overly keen at first, but I spoke to the head and explained that I needed help with him (which in itself was a major thing for me to ask for the help), the seniors of the sport were all older. This really was the turnaround for him, as they just took him under their wings, and invited him out to events. I'm a nutshell, he needed a father figure. He opened up to them thank goodness and within 6 months his priorities changed.

You say he enjoys cadets but has no intention of joining the forces. I think this would be ideal for him. Is there anyone at cadets you could speak to and let them know what difficulties you are having with him. Maybe someone there could guide him. They need input from someone external to the situation. You can talk to him until you are blue in the face, it has to come from outside, where that person isn't so easy to manipulate. He knows what buttons to push to get what he wants from you and as hard as it is to hear, you cannot do this alone.

What about some type of gap year after he's finished school? Something to aim for. Maybe Camp America or even getting all his qualifications in place to go work abroad, maybe on one of the super yachts. You say he's been to Africa, there are a lot of programs for school leavers to look at, which I really think will change his outlook. And it gives him something to look forward to. Right now, what does he have to work hard for? He knows he's going to get chucked out his home in a few months, knows that he has a deadbeat dad that he may or may not think he takes after. His life is that Xbox and the friends on there he doesn't even know irl most likely. It is a short term gratification that he is getting from it. He needs help for something more long term, something to look forward to.

As for the money for the chores. I disagree with him having to be paid to do these things. He should just be doing them. He needs to learn that someone isn't going to clean up after him forever. Set the chores, but don't pay him to do them. If there are no plates left as they are all in his room, then he doesn't get a meal on a plate. If he doesn't wash his clothes or put them in the basket (whatever your arrangement is) then he doesn't have clean clothes. Stop enabling this. Yes you may been out of your norm, and it is a bloody inconvenience yes, but you have to get out of your routine too, and make the changes necessary for him to see this.

It's easier to shove things under the carpet to keep the peace, but long term it's not helpful.

I wouldn't sell the Xbox, but I also would not be getting him a high value gift for his birthday.

Can I just say it took a while, but my ds is through this know and is actually a nice human again. He wasn't nice for a while and it's hard for me to even admit that. But the issues were much deeper that what showed on the surface.

Explain to him the £200 he stole is the figure you had planned to spend on his birthday and now he won't be getting the PC and skydive y as you don't have the money anymore; that you will do your best to give him a lovely birthday but he is the one who has spoilt it for himself. He needs to lean consequences of his actions and if you can't take his X-box away from him this seems an alternative perhaps, maybe, I don't know?

Maybe I’m reading this wrong OP, but you said that your DS is going to be 16 soon - had a similar situation growing up that became violent when my cousin (who was about 6ft at 15) was confronted by my aunt so please bear your own safety in mind.

I also 100% agree with what this poster has said

Then sell it to recoup what he stole and don’t replace it. He needs to learn that actions have consequences.

Sometimes though a parent doesn't have the resources/knowledge to "fix" their child/abuser.

He's been so awful I can see why Op is wary of or doesn't believe his excuses of being depressed & bullied.

Maybe he had his head in his hands in despair that Op might follow through?

Why should she have to be abused/stolen from & feel unsafe just because he is her son?

Have you considered he may be NT and possibly have a PDA presentation rather than being NPD? The remarks about having few friends, his very strong beliefs about some subjects drugs etc. might suggest this.

My heart goes out to you OP. You are dealing with your son totally alone without hardly any support and it sounds like hell. I've no doubt you DO love your son, and he obviously needs help but please look after yourself. This is very important if you feel threatened in any way.

16 is very young to leave home but if you do persuade him to leave in November you might find you get on a lot better. My husband left home at 16 BTW.

Posts like this make me angrier than I can express. This isn't some little kid. He's a fully grown male with a possible personality disorder and huge anger issues and violent tendencies. OP is a woman. It is entirely possible that he will seriously hurt her if she tries to set any boundaries at all. What if she took your advice and he ended up killing her? Would you be so judgemental then?

Why does a woman's safety never matter to some people? Why?

I'm so sorry for your stress. I have been in a similar position as a single paremt to a son who stole form me and everyone else, smoked week n my house, trashed his educational prospects and for me the last straw was a violent confrontation between him and his younger ( under 16 year old) brother.
I did kick him out - with love ( at least I felt that way) and I agreed to financially support him whilst he was in education. This first few tears were awful but now at 24 he has a job, a stable flat share and is not stealing and a nice young man.

Do I regret it ? Yes I do. I wish I have been able to maintain him in the home, but at that time I could not - my failings when brought up against his. - I have issues with both my other sons too, the exception being no violence ( and I had only two rules in my house, no drugs and no violence)

If I had my time again, I would be screaming for help, and recognising that tough love is just that. NO Xbox ( if u are afraid I would call the police immediately) no phone, no money no internet. But do not kick him out ... you are his mum and the only security he has,...

Some excellent suggestions made above.

From my own experience, your son is testing you because you are the constant presence in his life. It's upsetting, scary, depressing etc but if you can ride it out, his feelings and focus will change as he gets a little older. I found the toughest years were between 14 and 16.. By about 16 and a half, thing began to change and by 18 my DS was looking forward and could see his destiny was in his own hands.

Financially/punishment-wise, I wouldn't take the xbox away, but cut down by £200 on the birthday spend.

thers is an awful lot here I agree and done of it seems contradictory

you say you think he is a narcissist yet he considers himself fat and ugly when he isn’t - the very opposite trait. As is not wanting to do subjects he isn’t good at - you even say he has low self esteem yet can’t help but paint him as his father

you worry he will get violent and hurt you yet he never has done

he is I think being bullied at school but you barely address it and see his friendships as his issue

he did something when he was 11 that you clearly haven’t forgiven or moved on from and I suspect have withdrawn so much from him

and the way you casually pass over his suicidal thoughts is shocking.

what has he done apart from being lazy (normal sadly) talk back ( again happens) and steal twice. Abd hate the OP smoking and be obsessed with x box (possibly as it is his way of communicating with people and his rock)

everything else seems to be in your perceptions of him that seem so skewed. Did he ever have a chance as your anger towards his father is palpable and has created an idea of the son you think you have.

he sounds nothing like his dad and frankly how on other is he going to be ok

And you say you love him but nothing in your op says you do. Your evenings seem to be what you want to do and you main issue seems to be a lack of respect to you ( he is a teenager!) and throwing him out to learn that life is harsh.

but his life is harsh, he is bullied, has no friends, low self esteem, struggles with subjects and suicidal thoughts. Punished for normal teenage behaviour.

what he needs is for you to actually show him love and a safe space, sort out the bullying and be there for him

He is an entitled little Prince. You need to ignore his birthday, other than a card give him nothing. Don't keep money in the house and keep your bank card on you at all times, you go in the shower, take it with you. Keep everything as pressure free as you can until he finishes school. Save a deposit for a bedsit now and the day he finishes school move him into it and either move yourself if you can or at the very least change all of your locks and install ring doorbells front and back.
This week make an appointment at your local Police station and tell them you want it recorded that he has stolen from you and that you are seriously frightened of him, but as he is too young to throw out you don't want to press charges or for them to have any contact with him over the matter but you do want it on record.
He will never ever change so don't think you can save him.

I’m so sorry you are going through this OP 🙁he sounds vile and I would kick him out at 16 as well! Until he learns that his actions have consequences he won’t mature. Living separately may also help with your relationship in the long run. Too many people put up with being treated like crap by their almost adult children.

It sounds like you checked out of the relationship with him a long time ago, and he knows this. Why would he be bothered about stealing from you if he thinks you don't care about him? He knows you want him out. You need to show him that you do care about him and want the best for him. I imagine there are meetings coming up at school about GCSEs, and open days at local colleges. Are you going to them? Are you showing him that you are interested in him and his future?

I totally understand that it's hard. I foster two teenage boys. They've stolen from us before. The last incident was a few months ago when one took about £50. I never threatened to throw him out. I told him how disappointed I was because I love him and think of him as my son so it made me very sad to think that he would do such a thing. He was very shamefaced. I also confiscated the thing he'd bought with the money and said he couldn't have it as he hadn't paid for it, and also made him pay back the actual money from his pocket money.

In your circumstances I would get him a birthday card and explain that you weren't able to buy him a gift as he's already had all that money from you so you couldn't afford anything else.

I'd also have a chat with him about house rules and what is expected at home. I would give him some pocket money that isn't linked to chores. He feels that your love for him is conditional and he's saying 'well sod you then, if you only love me if I do chores then don't bother as I'm not doing them.' I wouldn't give much. Maybe a fiver a week? Then explain that you will top it up if he does the chores.

Have some boundaries in place for when things are not done and for behaviour in the home. Where is his x box? Is it in his room? Can you move it to a downstairs room so that you can have limits on when he uses it? One of mine was on his laptop all night so the laptops got set up in the dining room and they are not allowed to be moved. That doesn't stop my eldest from occasionally sneaking his laptop out but he knows he gets it confiscated for up to a month if he does that. And if he needs it for school then tough, he has access to online homework etc on school computers so he knows he has to go to homework club after school and do it there.

Your son sounds desperately unhappy and probably feels it's the world against him and the only person who should be on his side actually isn't and wants him out. I know he's acting like a little shit but you need to show him that you do care about him and that you are on his side. In the grand scheme of things he hasn't killed anyone - it's terribly bad behaviour that he's stolen off you, yes it is, but I don't think it should be unforgivable.

I was wondering how to express a similar feeling.
It feels like a lot of the descriptions are OP’s feelings rather than things that actually happened. Unless I missed it or OP just hasn’t wished to detail them, in which case I apologise @Spopssas. The enjoyment of cadets doesn’t hugely fit the profile of not respecting rules either, he’s clearly capable of it elsewhere.

Very much disagree with @MrsMarzetti and @Thisweeksname. This is all well within the spectrum of normal teenage behaviour. Yes some consequences are needed for the stealing and swearing, but this child needs continued love and support from his parent, within the family home. It's really tough, draining and demoralising to do this as a single parent, so make sure you have your own support from friends IRL to sound off /discuss ideas/draw strength from. You will both come through this.🌻

There's a lot going on here and I understand that it's overwhelming and you're struggling so maybe shutting down on him a bit to self protect. But he is 15. He is clearly very underconfident and has self esteem issues which is why he's judging others. I'm surprised that a 15 year old spent £200 on sweets and gum tbh I'd imagine there is something else.

It does jump out at me how much you talk about him being like his father. How old was he when his father left? Does he look like him? I think you need to stop comparing him to his father so you can see him for who he is as an individual child who is clearly struggling. His father was a grown adult who chose to be hurtful and abusive. If you're making that comparison a lot that will massively affect his sense of identity and could end up being a self fulfilling prophesy. I wouldn't be turning a 16 year old out to live in a flat share. He needs and deserves more support than that. I'd talk to the trust about supported accommodation for young people but he'd need to be classed as looked after and places are scarce. Some charities offer respite for teens to avoid them getting to the point of complete family breakdown so would be worth asking about. Ultimately you are still his parent so while I understand that it's a lot, you can't just shut down on him. Do you ever do anything fun with him? Spend time together doing something nice in the evenings? I'd tell him that I'd be reducing the amount he's stolen from his birthday present and changing the WiFi code so you can use it for now and I'd use that as your bargaining chip. If he wants access to WiFi for the evening he needs to do housework for that and pocket money. He sounds lost and afraid.

Some of the replies on this thread are completely mad
The op is afraid of this near man and is at risk in her own home
To suggest she buys him a gym membership and an air fryer?
What planet are people on?
Get him out now.

I think you both need a break from each other
Can he stay with his godmother or a friend for a week?
You both need breathing space

But actually nothing in the content of what she says gives any credence to him actually being at risk.

in fact in reading it is often her who is angry and loses her shit.

indeed she actually says he is knuckling down now but it’s clear his academic achievements fall short of her academic post grad expectations

in fact the only bad thing he has done is stealing but given she doesn’t listen to him it could very well be a cry for help.

there are many violent aggressive teenage boys who take and deal drugs he is clearly not one of them

By "near man" you mean child who is years away from adulthood?