To think the young gf/wife gets a raw deal

[gutfightinghead]

I’m 15 years younger than my DH. We have been married a year and have a 4 month old baby. I’m 25, he’s 40 and we’re both in great careers, have our own home, financially stable, unbelievable sex life and genuinely happy. We have our disagreements like everyone else but on the whole it’s a healthy, happy relationship.

however - I still find I get a lot of sneers and as if I must be a young bimbo for being much younger, like I’m a silly wee girl. We got a lot of ‘oh she’s a silly young girl’ or ‘she’s his mid life crisis’, ‘it’ll never last’ etc.

just recently we had an appointment with our solicitor about something and he apologised and we said why? And he said he got us all wrong on paper he expected some young dope not someone with career, sensible etc

ive also noticed on mumsnet itself a lot of younger gf/wives etc get a bad name or labelled very quickly.

if they’re the other woman I completely understand as I know that sometimes is the case when there’s a younger gf/wife but apart from that I don’t understand why we get labelled so badly or as if we are silly/naive/stupid??

I have a friend who is 42, he's recently just got married to an American woman who is 29. They're in different decades, but they make it work.

A lot of 40 year olds no longer look their age - men and women.

The gym I attend has plenty of middle aged 40+ men, who are in fantastic shape, and look better than most of the 20 year olds.

There are pros from both sides.

To women in their 20s, an older man will offer financial stability, maturity, experience, and an abundance of knowledge. They will not have the stereotypical view of 20 year olds being "f**k boys".

For men dating younger, it's simply a status symbol or an ego boost.

Quite. They start sniffing around from 11 if your young ones are tall. And if doesn't stop. I feel much more dread for DD than I feel insecure about DH.

Presume you mean "DS" at the end! But yes. It's like American Beauty. It churnsy stomach.

Well that's certainly the stereotype that men perpetuate to sell us the idea that they make for desirable partners for young women.
But the vast majority of 40s men are not wealthy, are not in anywhere near the same shape as 20s men, have only the level of knowledge conversant with their background, education, intelligence and breadth of experience, which is hugely variable; and, if they consider a woman in her 20s a suitable and equal partner, questionable levels of maturity.
People always seem to have the most flattering possible image of middle aged men in mind when they talk about how much younger women want them, when men with all these traits are vanishingly rare. Which probably explains why the majority of 20s women don't want to date them outside of men's imaginations.

To women in their 20s, an older man will offer financial stability, maturity, experience, and an abundance of knowledge.

What about the 40 year old men who are unemployed or working in crap jobs? There are plenty of them. Men in their 40s who can offer 'financial stability' are a minority, especially as many men this age will be divorced and have a family to support. There aren't that many attractive never married men in their 40s in the real world.

As for 'abundance of knowledge' surely that depends? And if these men are so mature and intellectual, wouldn't they want a partner with the same traits? Why go for someone much younger?

Do you think that women in their 40s offer similar benefits to much younger men?

I don't think they need to worry overmuch. Pretty young women don't generally go for middle aged married men however.

They go for pretty young men.

Interesting... From my experience a lot of the 40-year-olds I know are successful professionals. My gym buddies are in pretty good shape too. Maybe it is rare?

I think location can also play a part. Again, this is based on a friend of mine dating a woman much younger than him who lives up north. A 40-year-old in London will be more desirable than a 40-year-old in Liverpool for example. Especially in terms of financials.

I agree, not all 40-year-old men will match that criteria. But again, as I mentioned to @5128gap I'm just going off my real-life experiences.

And if these men are so mature and intellectual, wouldn't they want a partner with the same traits? Why go for someone much younger?

Surely these traits can exist in young people too? But, like I said, these young girls act as a status symbol or an ego boost.

Do you think that women in their 40s offer similar benefits to much younger men?

Absolutely. I did it myself. I was 21, she was 35. I had just come out of university with a basic job and not much money. She had a house, cooked for me, took me out and the sex was great.

A 40-year-old in London will be more desirable than a 40-year-old in Liverpool for example. Especially in terms of financials.

What a strange thing to write.

Plenty of 40 year olds in London are broke, and plenty of 40 year olds in Liverpool are wealthy.

Surely these traits can exist in young people too?

So why are you associating 'maturity' and an 'abundance of knowledge' with age?

Or do you mean wisdom only increases with age for men, but not women?

Because generally, that does come with age. But I don't want to rule out young people can't have that too.

Regarding your point about "And if these men are so mature and intellectual, wouldn't they want a partner with the same traits?"

I would say no.

Opportunities/salaries are significantly different. Even the people are different. That's more in line with what I meant.

Its probably the cost of property. In london, property ownership is an inheritocracy. If you don't own property yourself and are not on a high income but want to own a property in London, you either get someone on a high income (many young men with high incomes are not interested in settling down with 1 specific woman at 25, they want their financial equals or they may even come from a more conservative cultural background where they prefer women from the same cultural background), someone who is due to inherit a lot of money or get a big cash gift (they may also want their financial equals or someone who is due to inherit) or you get someone who is living rent free in his mum's house in London and saving a lot (not very attractive and can also be quite slow if he is the only one saving and you are renting). In any case, the first two categories of men (high earning young men and men who are due an inheritance or cash gift) do not grow on trees. There is a limited number of them. The third is probably more common but most women are not big fans of bunking in the mother in law's/grandma's house for 3 years to save up (I did this and this is probably the only reason why I felt that it wasn't totally insane to marry a poor young guy who only started earning ok wages a few years after graduation).

The london housing crisis has made the marriage market a Jane Austen-esque one, and this is well documented in the Guardian and it is not surprising when the average FTB deposit in London is £113k. How do people get this without earning a high salary or living at home?

Many 40 year olds may have bought when it was more affordable in certain parts of London and therefore own a property. I think in London, only 30% of those below the age of 35 own property. I bet it is a lot higher for men above 40. I think in Liverpool,it is probably still possible for an average young woman who saves diligently to buy her own property and therefore she doesn't really need to worry about the finances of her potential partner. It is sadly no longer possible for an average young woman on the median salary to buy her own property in London without parental help or a well earning partner.

My dh is 16 years older than me. We have been together 14 years and have 4 children. People will always find something to.judge @gutfightinghead

@LoveLifeBeHappy my impression is different... From my personal circle, most Central London based, Oxbridge-LSE-RG educated women wouldn't be caught dead with some old bloke. One or two might I grant, but relationship or not, those people are generally not well spoken about behind closed doors.

Meanwhile, virtually all the attractive males from a good social milieu are snapped up by 40. Not to make gross generalisations but IME even if they're working in bulge bracket, magic circle firms etc, or visible in politics, if they're above a certain age and unmarried they tend to be problematic personality-wise.

I suppose in that sense both parties in a sugar daddy couple are compatible, personality wise.

I don't think they need to worry overmuch. Pretty young women don't generally go for middle aged married men however.

You think an attractive woman of 25 wouldn't be interested in an attractive man of 34? We don't all have stickers on our heads with our DOB on. If you fancy someone, you fancy em. Bit snide to say only uglies go for older men😂😂😂

virtually all the attractive males from a good social milieu are snapped up by 40

This is very true, looking around at my social circle (and I'd probably say it even applies from 30-35). I don't really know any single men this age who would be good prospects (and I do male dominated sports, so meet quite a few through that).

Would she potentially be interested in an attractive single man only 9 years her senior? Quite possibly.

Would she be interested in your typical married man in his 40s? Much less likely.

Missed the married part - agree there! Don't think age matters though.

If age doesn't matter, then why aren't we reading lots of posts from women married to men half their age?

Or does age only 'not matter' when the man is older?

Why indeed.

One of Dh's friends who is almost 50 is dating a woman in her early 20's.
We met them at a social event.
The tedium of being told how mature she is a thousand times was mind numbing.
She wasn't, funnily enough because maturity comes with age. She was a kid trying to act older to fit in, it was really sad.
She's yet to have kids, get a mortgage, travel and barely had a career or life while he's talking about early retirement! DH thinks he's gone mad.

That is sad.

I suspect young women like this talk about how mature they are to fill the awkward silence left by people speculating about what they see in this older man.

If you feel the need to explain to the friends and family of your much older boyfriend that you are really mature for your age, it's because you know on some level that everyone is thinking it's weird because it is weird.

It’s sad for her and him tbh

He probably thinks all his friends are jealous when in reality they think he’s lost the plot.

I feel like I see on every bloody thread these days - older/infertile/less wealthy women are:

jealous
bitter
out of touch
trying to spoil things

it’s a really boring and tired trope and absolutely not true

I went to the wedding of a couple with a similar age gap to the OP and her husband.

She was 24, he was 39.

Since we were friends of the bride and not the groom, I have no idea what his friends thought. She was undeniably gorgeous, genuinely one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen, and he was minted, with family money AND a very well paid job. But she also behaved like a young woman and he behaved like a middle aged man, in the sense that she was gregarious, fun loving, loved to party, and he was a quiet, reserved type who worked in financial services. Their affection for each other seemed genuine from what we could tell, but we literally could not, for the life of us, understand what attracted them to each other, apart from the obvious. She also used to hint at a great sex life in situations where it was a bit uncalled for, e.g. I remember one time she was complaining about her boss expecting her to be permanently available to log on at weekends and she said something like, "I have better things to be doing, like having sex with my husband!"

We didn't really get it, and we continued to see them as a couple, through the births of both their children, still not really getting it, but thinking if they were happy together, good for them.

And then one day we found out that he had secretly been making regular allegations of domestic violence against her, for more than a year, before filing for divorce and custody of their children.

Last time I saw her was at someone else's wedding, she was 31, newly divorced, and copped off with the groom's 22 year old brother who mistakenly believed she was his age.