To think the young gf/wife gets a raw deal

[gutfightinghead]

I’m 15 years younger than my DH. We have been married a year and have a 4 month old baby. I’m 25, he’s 40 and we’re both in great careers, have our own home, financially stable, unbelievable sex life and genuinely happy. We have our disagreements like everyone else but on the whole it’s a healthy, happy relationship.

however - I still find I get a lot of sneers and as if I must be a young bimbo for being much younger, like I’m a silly wee girl. We got a lot of ‘oh she’s a silly young girl’ or ‘she’s his mid life crisis’, ‘it’ll never last’ etc.

just recently we had an appointment with our solicitor about something and he apologised and we said why? And he said he got us all wrong on paper he expected some young dope not someone with career, sensible etc

ive also noticed on mumsnet itself a lot of younger gf/wives etc get a bad name or labelled very quickly.

if they’re the other woman I completely understand as I know that sometimes is the case when there’s a younger gf/wife but apart from that I don’t understand why we get labelled so badly or as if we are silly/naive/stupid??

Seems a bit harsh to slam the OP for this. She was 21 and he was 36, both were young, free and single - that's not THAT weird. 36 isn't old these days. I have a friend my age (48) whose husband is 30, they met when he was 21 and also have a baby (well he's four now) and are very happy. She also has teenage kids from her first marriage, which ended years ago. If it's the other way round, people don't judge as much, they're maybe a bit surprised but that is it.

There are loads of older men in relationships with younger women who've been with them for years - Rod Steward and Penny Lancaster for starters - and the age gap is much bigger. It can work.

When you get to your mid thirties and see how you view people in their early twenties you will understand. There is a huge power imbalance and difference in life experience. Often I think the younger partner tries to justify it by thinking they are mature for their age or an ‘old soul’. But your partner knows exactly what you are missing out on by being in this relationship - your youth. You will never get that back.

What did you think at the time, when your 39 year old friend started dating a 21 year old?

My friendship group would not be impressed by that at all.

Also, the idea that a 36 year old and a 21 year old are both "young" in the same way is utter nonsense. 36 may not be old, but that doesnt make them equivalent to a 21 year old.

Didn't think it would last, but it did. He is an absolutely lovely bloke and mentally far more mature than she is!

I know a lot of women who date younger men. Generally, I would say, so long as you know it's unlikely to go anywhere, then have fun. It's not for me but we're not talking about vulnerable teenage youths being taken advantage of here. Online dating sites are full of younger men looking for older divorced women because they don't want to get married/pregnant and generally have their own money.

It's not the bloke I would be judging, so his loveliness is neither here nor there tbh.

She's also lovely. They are a lovely couple. Why would you judge two people that enjoy each other's company and are happy? TBH - what has it got to do with you? Or me, for that matter?

Women get defensive about age gap relationships because we all know youth is attractive and they don't want to think that their own partner might find younger women more attractive than themselves. I get it. But that's nature, we are programmed to find youth attractive through biological imperative.

I disagreed with this at first: I have a brother very close in age to me, and I find men of that age attractive, but it doesn't mean I find my brother attractive.

But thinking about it further, I do see everyone my child's age through the lens of a mother. I guess it's different for these men. I wonder how close they are to their daughters on the whole.

https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/my-girlfriend-is-only-29-and-my-daughter-may-never-forgive-me-w8wldskr8

This is a particularly revolting piece.

I'm childfree, and even I see people in their early 20s in a maternal way (e.g. wanting to look out for them and protect them) rather than as potential romantic interests. Because I'm not a creep.

I also don't see them as rivals, because any man my age who is worth having would not be chasing after a 21 year old. Yes, 21 year olds are objectively attractive due to their youth, but decent men and women in their late 30s or 40s don't act on that attraction. The power imbalance within an age gap relationship is huge if the younger partner is that young. 21 and 39 is far more unequal than 35 and 53, and most adults recognise that.

One of the OPs previous threads described how she was sexually, physically & emotionally abused over a 5 year period by an older man who appeared in court for it.

Because of this I find the whole idea of this relationship she started at 21 quite disturbing.
Abuse can take a long time to deal with.
I hope the OP has got over all her childhood abuse & this new relationship is as good as she says.

Best of luck OP

100% agree

@Emilyjayne942 I advise you wait until you're in your late 30s, and then ask yourself how you look at 21 year olds.

@horseyhorsey17 "Women get defensive about age gap relationships because we all know youth is attractive and they don't want to think that their own partner might find younger women more attractive than themselves."
I don't get defensive because I am older and worry about my partner. I get worried because I am older and have an adult daughter.

But being defensive about it doesn't change anything - it doesn't make older men less attracted to young women. It doesn't mean they'll act on it though. If that's something you or anyone is worried about, there's not much you can really do about it other than avoid having a relationship with someone with a roving eye, and raise daughters to be savvy.

I wouldn't want my daughter in a relationship with a much older man, but I do already know she gets looked at by much older men on the street. She is 12. It's one of the more unsavoury aspects of life.

No they don't. That's absolute bollocks.

@Emilyjayne942

Well obviously no one would say it to your face. My husband is 37 and he has a couple of friends who try it on with 21 year olds (usually unsuccessfully) and he places them firmly in the “socially inept creepy category”. To be honest those blokes aren’t really his friends anymore, just associates who never quite grew up. 37 and 21 is creepy.

Oh I was genuinely very surprised by your last paragraph! It's a really odd take to me, that our maternal protectiveness towards essentially babies (young women) with predatory older men somehow becomes jealousy. I genuinely think perhaps it shows your own deep seated insecurity?

@burgundytoday

Absolutely. I have an 11 year old DD and a bloke nearly crashed his car because he was straining his neck to look at her. In what planet does that make me jealous? I think that says far more about the poster who suggested that to be honest.

Women get defensive about age gap relationships because we all know youth is attractive and they don't want to think that their own partner might find younger women more attractive than themselves. I get it. But that's nature, we are programmed to find youth attractive through biological imperative.

That's a very weak and ill thought out argument surely?

Are you saying that older men with younger partners could never find another woman (of any age) attractive just because they're partnered up?

Anyone in a relationship can find others attractive for any reason, and let's face it, not all young people are good looking anyway.

Plus I've yet to meet a woman who wasn't chatted up by an older man when they were young, the difference is they mostly laugh and say something along the lines of "In your dreams pal", especially if they are attractive young women.

The biggest issue will get when he’s hurtling towards 70 and you’re still in your 50’s.

Don’t be surprised when you’re more carer than lover, seems to catch people out earlier than they think in my experience.

Not sure about this.

I remember getting the ick about age gap relationships even when I was young. When I was 18 someone I knew from school was in a relationship with a 30 year old man and we were all just a bit grossed out by it. We thought there was something wrong with both of them. Nobody was jealous and nobody thought she was mature.

There was also a girl in the year above me at school who got together with one of her teachers right after she did her GCSEs. He must have been in his late 20s or even early 30s at the time. They stayed together for a long time, maybe 15 years and I think they even got married. Then after she turned 30 they broke up, he was well into his 40s by this point and started dating a woman in her 20s. So for a while it seemed like they had proven that they were the real deal but in the end, no, he was just the creepy guy preying on young girls and women that we all thought he was to begin with.

I'm not insecure. Just realistic.

A 21 year old isn't a baby.

It's not jealousy of younger women that makes older women defensive, it's more a fear of their own lives - and those of their families - being upturned if their husband's head is turned by someone younger and prettier.

I don't see an issue with this at all. 10 / or 15-year age gaps are pretty standard these days.

I'm not saying nearly all of that, no. I don't know how you've come to any of those conclusions.

Biologically, because of the innate evolutionary basic need to reproduce and create more of ourselves, men are attracted to younger women. That doesn't mean that in our more evolved species they can or should act on it. But it's why youth in itself is attractive.