To think the young gf/wife gets a raw deal

[gutfightinghead]

I’m 15 years younger than my DH. We have been married a year and have a 4 month old baby. I’m 25, he’s 40 and we’re both in great careers, have our own home, financially stable, unbelievable sex life and genuinely happy. We have our disagreements like everyone else but on the whole it’s a healthy, happy relationship.

however - I still find I get a lot of sneers and as if I must be a young bimbo for being much younger, like I’m a silly wee girl. We got a lot of ‘oh she’s a silly young girl’ or ‘she’s his mid life crisis’, ‘it’ll never last’ etc.

just recently we had an appointment with our solicitor about something and he apologised and we said why? And he said he got us all wrong on paper he expected some young dope not someone with career, sensible etc

ive also noticed on mumsnet itself a lot of younger gf/wives etc get a bad name or labelled very quickly.

if they’re the other woman I completely understand as I know that sometimes is the case when there’s a younger gf/wife but apart from that I don’t understand why we get labelled so badly or as if we are silly/naive/stupid??

@horseyhorsey17

It's not jealousy of younger women that makes older women defensive, it's more a fear of their own lives - and those of their families - being upturned if their husband's head is turned by someone younger and prettier.

What an odd thing to state as a fact when it's absolutely not 'the' reason older women have an issue with this. For some, perhaps it is the reason. But those of us who have given another reason for having an issue with it are, what? Lying in your opinion?

I think the fact that I've already been accused of saying jealousy is the issue here - when I've said nothing of the sort - speaks volumes. There's a lot of presumption of bad faith on Mumsnet.

Anyway, I'm getting back to work.

Where does it say this? Think I've gone blind!

It doesn't say that and he hadn't. She is his first wife and they were both single when they met.

But he does have an ex from a former long term relationship with whom he has a child, and is in a difficult custody battle. No mention of how long before meeting the OP this relationship ended.

Hmm. Don't take this the wrong way, but – I truly think what's happening here is that you're gripped by self esteem issues or a fear so visceral to you, that you think it MUST absolutely be universal. In short, you're badly projecting!

Some people are more secure than others, and levels of self esteem and jealousy vary tremendously between individuals. However, I'm sure every single person has specific unique trigger points for jealousy/fear.

Yours is younger women, whom you feel inferior to (whereas others might feel protective of them – I think fondly back to what a baby I was at 21). Or maybe fear of physical infidelity. You might have internalised that lust always triumphs over love.

For me, I've always very very secretly feared my husband would have his head turned by some upper class, professional, wealthy, confident (so, probably not young lol) woman his age and from his background. So far fears proven totally unjustified but I guess these things are ultimately emotionally deep seated.

It screams power imbalance OP, that’s why.

@horseyhorsey17 also, just out of curiosity, did / do you perhaps enjoy it when older men hit on you? Is it because you think most young women want to be with older men that you view them as your rivals re: your partner?

I was / am perved after by older men (a universal experience for women), but didn't give them the time of day. So, while I can think of certain men who would like a young girl, those truly aren't the kind of men I'd bother with. I prefer normal men to men with such needy egos or who think solely with their dick haha.

While I have plenty of insecurities about other kinds of imagined "rivals", I really can't say I've ever thought of my husband with a young woman. He wouldn't enjoy having to be a "dad". I'm sure he's sexually attracted to fitter younger bodies just like how most GQ male models for women are young and strapping, but in the long term, emotionally and mentally I really struggle to imagine a connection.

So on both ends, most people view neither the female nor male in age gap relationships as normal or desirable. But just a guess, maybe you regard both parties as mentally normal, hence the jealousy belief?

I think the fact that all parents (including fathers) universally find it disturbing that their teenage/ young adult daughters could end up in a relationship with a much older man summarises the issue really. Parents universally want the best for their children and so are deeply protective. If there really was nothing wrong with a 36 year old bloke pursuing a 21 year old, parents would surely give them their blessing? The fact that no mother or father would be happy with the scenario, summarises that fact that it’s not ok.
You can’t really accuse mothers of jealousy. Their only motivation is wanting the best for their child.
Fathers on the other hand know what motivates other men and why they pursue younger women and yet they don’t want their daughters in such relationships either. I wonder why?

Nope. I did not enjoy it. My stepdad used to perve after my friends and it was hideous. I am in my 40s and currently not interested in any men of any age so this isn't about me. Let's leave it at that and not turn it into some kind of closet personal attack.

I note you're bringing up jealousy again. I don't think any of this is to do with jealousy and have never said it is. Bad faith on MN, sigh.

Christ.

I do wonder what the demographic of the people who are fine with big age gaps and the people who aren't is. I'm not sure-but I THINK I wouldn't have even really thought about it until I had children in the "danger zone" (don't worry-joke!) myself. I watched the effect that my daughter from her teens onward had on older men, and, frankly, how poorly she was equipped to deal with it. And it chilled me. I could easily see how she might have been flattered into a wholly unbalanced relationship by a man with perceived maturity, life experience, possibly money...And she was a confident, secure young woman with a good support network.

Ah sorry, I misread your earlier post and didn't mean it as a personal attack. I really am trying my best to understand your perspective.

Maybe not jealousy, but deeply internalised beliefs about the universal primacy of certain tendencies (eg physical lust)? This could also be due to certain experiences we had growing up, some of which you reference (step dad).

It's no secret as a species we go for fitter, more attractive, wealthier, etc partners... But if you believe that genuinely threatens your own partnership, then you've put that ideal on a pedestal and taken it to the extreme.

To bring it back to my own experiences, my mum was OBSESSED with beauty and social status. The latter explains the insecurity I detailed earlier! On the former, as an example, someone who has deeply internalised the sheer role and status of physical attractiveness might not like the idea of beautiful women (of any age) being around their partner. .

The idea of a long term preference for an authentic mental or emotional connection is likely alien to them, as the "narratives" from their formative experiences are much louder.

I'm not going to read this latest mad piece of cod psychology from someone I've never met. You are projecting. Leave me alone.

@horseyhorsey17 yet you were more than happy to apply your own cod psychology on “older women” accusing them of jealousy and insecurity based on nothing except your own perception.

I haven't accused anyone of jealousy. I've literally said it ISN'T jealousy.

Read the damn posts and stop being so defensive.

No. You're wrong. You might think you 'get it' but you're way off the mark.
Older women aren't worried about their husband's 'heads being turned by younger and prettier women' as though its something that just happens to decent men when a young pretty woman walks by.
They may be embarrassed by, and for, their aging partners if they see them leching after young women. They may, remembering how it felt as a young woman to have that happen, be thoroughly ashamed of them for making young women feel uncomfortable and disgusted by their advances. They may be angry, disappointed and repulsed that their partners advancing age had turned him into a weird creepy apology for the younger better man he was when they met and married.
But worried about losing what's left of him when he turns into this unfortunate creep to a lovely young woman? Well, chance would be a fine thing for starters.

I don't think we're actually talking about the same thing. I'm not excusing men (of any age) leching after young women, let alone dumping their wives. That seems to be what people are reading into my posts and tbh I can't be arsed with that - or people deciding they know everything about my life based on a few throwaway comments on Mumsnet, which is frankly mental. I do not, however, think that claiming every single age gap relationship is some kind of abuse of power and doomed to failure is accurate or fair. If the OP says she's happy, why can't we take her at her word instead of assuming her husband is a power-crazed perve? As I've said, I know people in age gap relationships who are normal, happy and well-adjusted. Love is what it is.

And that's my last post on this page. Goodbye!

Well if you're referring to people in age gap relationships only, then your reasoning for why older women may be critical makes even less sense. No older woman is going to think that just because 21 year old Emma is married to 50 year old Bernard her own husband is going to run off with a younger woman. Anymore than she's going to think he'll run off with an older one because the retired couple next door are happily married. The only reason an older woman might have cause to worry about 'losing' her husband to a 21 year old is if he's rich creep.

I think they r refered to as sugar daddies by sone young women and dirty pervs by others.

God, I've just remembered that my dad was always flirting with my best friend. To be fair, she did encourage it. I can't believe I'd forgotten it. They very nearly did the dirty. Ugh!

Spot on.

Quite. They start sniffing around from 11 if your young ones are tall. And if doesn't stop. I feel much more dread for DD than I feel insecure about DH.

I think what some people aren’t getting, is that posters are saying that for a man to feel attracted to much younger, isn’t just a power imbalance, it’s creepy because the woman is too close to childhood at 21. They are going for someone too much like a child - and that isn’t really to do with being attracted to youth.

You could just as easily say that we have a biological imperative to look after our young, parentally. Possibly the biggest primal drive we have. So for a man of 35 not to see a woman of 21 as ‘childlike’ but as ‘sexually attractive’ - well of course it produces an obvious ick, a kind of disgust. That is all about how the man is acting in too risky a way for our safe society and not about the OP.

My situation is slightly different, I met DP (soon to be DH) when I was 25 and he was 38; together 5 years now.

When we first started seeing each other, I was really, really worried about what people would think.

Fortunately, it turned out that 99% of it was in my head. No one really cared, the worst i got was a raised eyebrow and this was almost always from men my age (go figure). Very, very occasionally, a stranger will poke fun at DP for looking older than me - it’s a bit cheeky, but always said in good humour and/or out of curiosity. I’m sure people comment on it behind closed doors, but I’ve never been made to feel uncomfortable.