To think the young gf/wife gets a raw deal

[gutfightinghead]

I’m 15 years younger than my DH. We have been married a year and have a 4 month old baby. I’m 25, he’s 40 and we’re both in great careers, have our own home, financially stable, unbelievable sex life and genuinely happy. We have our disagreements like everyone else but on the whole it’s a healthy, happy relationship.

however - I still find I get a lot of sneers and as if I must be a young bimbo for being much younger, like I’m a silly wee girl. We got a lot of ‘oh she’s a silly young girl’ or ‘she’s his mid life crisis’, ‘it’ll never last’ etc.

just recently we had an appointment with our solicitor about something and he apologised and we said why? And he said he got us all wrong on paper he expected some young dope not someone with career, sensible etc

ive also noticed on mumsnet itself a lot of younger gf/wives etc get a bad name or labelled very quickly.

if they’re the other woman I completely understand as I know that sometimes is the case when there’s a younger gf/wife but apart from that I don’t understand why we get labelled so badly or as if we are silly/naive/stupid??

How about less judgment all round? No age-gap relationship is as cringy as someone trotting out tired stereotypes in the service of faux-concern.

I've never been in a relationship with a big age gap but I've known plenty of friends who have. Some were unhealthy. Others are still going. They're all individual and everyone involved had individual reasons for getting into them.

There are always exceptions. A friend is 65, her husband is 89, they met when she was 22 and he was 46. They have been together since they met, they married after a year. One of the best marriages I have known.

Not to mention she talked to him about himself a lot. What an ego trip for him.

That's irrelevant and a bit distasteful. If Bruce were still married to Demi Moore it would be Demi who was dealing with it. Ok their children are grown up but aside from that the age of his wife doesn't have much relevance..

Sounds like your main issue is your unfounded paranoia and jealousy tbh... 3 years is nothing, or given the school gates reference was that a typo?

Very TMI but... My father worked abroad for much of my childhood. I didn't think I had severe daddy issues, but I was attracted to middle-aged men through my teens and 20s. Especially teachers, bosses, etc!

But I got to spend lots of quality time with my dad / family over years as a young adult. Amazingly enough, my attraction then faded. I actually feel disgusted at the thought of shagging someone my dad's age.

I've seen a few young girl-middle aged man relationships in real life. I've not seen such a case but I can accept that sometimes you really do fall for each other's personalities regardless of age.

But in general, from what I observe, it's predicated on hidden daddy issues or self-esteem issues (the woman), and lust or ego issues (the man). I'm sure it feels blissful at first or maybe even forever but it feels more like a prolonged role play rather than genuine or authentic.

My other not-very-well-thought-out opinion on daddy issues though are that: it is rather disgusting, but then every single person universally (even if unconsciously) tries to sort out their childhood wounds through partners, and this is just an extreme case of that. So if it works I suppose it works...?

I remember when I was a young solicitor (25) working in a law firm. There was a single partner in his 40s and a couple of marrieds sleazes in their 40s who would try it on with the younger women. I found them really repulsive. Putting the added negative of married status to one side, these men looked really old to me. There is no way I would have dated any of them. Perhaps people are staring or judging because they look at you and look at him and think “Yuck. What is she thinking?”. It could just be that.

Me too. Predators.

This thread is full of the most awful misogyny and ageism.

Truly shocking comments.

15 years is not that big a deal. I've always liked older men, my dad was very old when I was born so even a partner 25 years older than me would be nowhere near "omg he's the same age as my dad!" territory. I guess that's why it doesn't give me the ick. 15 years certainly isn't any sort of daddy issues so I don't know why that is even being brought up. I do disagree with having kids with a much older man though (late 40s up-I feel sorry for Bruce Willis' young kids) as per my own experience of losing my dad early as a result.

It’s cringey because he was a drunk idiot while you were potty training.

judgment on him there.

And it’s shitty you have a career but people are assuming like you’re in it for the money.

and it’s shitty because your career will suffer because he’s further along in his and probably makes more, so you’ll get the shaft.

it does suck. But just distance yourself from the Judgy people, you won’t like them anyway.

And if there is no basis for the judgment then whatever, great.

It often is whenever anyone suspected of being an older woman ventures an opinion. Its very inconvenient when older women offer experiences and perspectives that don't serve the male interest or ego; and invariably the same clichés of jealousy and bitterness are trotted out despite there being no logic to them. There is great deal of benefit to men to perpetrate the myth that young women find them desirable, which is absolutely rooted in sexism and ageism, and it ruffles feathers when older women burst their bubble.

I've just worked out my younger sister was 20 and her now husband was 27. Is that not as bad?

@Nonplusultra

"I’ll probably sound like a stereotype myself, but in your forties oestrogen levels slip a bit, and the rose tinted spectacles slip too. You stop seeing the best in men and see some of their bullshit clearly. Until it happens, it’s hard to credit the full impact of our hormones."

I haven't read the full thread. But this properly made me laugh. Never a truer word said.

gannett stereotypes? Or patterns we observe?
Theres a lot on this post about how “jealous older women “ behave but what about men? I work with male colleagues who range from late 20s to retirement age and the banter and piss taking is relentless , towards the men with much younger partners.
Maybe it’s because I have a daughter and would be concerned if she was in a relationship with someone a lot older than herself. Do you have children? I’m sure you would feel perfectly comfortable if they bought someone home old enough to be their Grandfather , as you said no age gap is as cringey ……
We all see things differently from our own experience.

@5128gap Bravo 👏 excellent post.

To be as old as a grandfather, the man would have to be at a minimum 34 years older just saying

15 years is quite large but if the couple is happy, then so be it

I once dated a guy who was 34 when I was 21. He appeared clever, witty and successful to me. He told me again and again how much he ‘loved’ me. Then I moved to France for a year with uni and he split up with me almost immediately, leaving me pretty sad and vulnerable. Basically I see now that this ‘love’ was ‘lust’. I met up with him a year or two later and he physically wouldn’t let me get away/blocked the door and if he wasn’t too drunk, he would have tried to rape me. Luckily I eventually got out and I sent him an email saying he had to stop treating women like walking vaginas and I think he is now married to a girl who was even younger than I was/bigger age gap. Obviously I hope he grew up and they have a happy, loving, equal marriage.

I think there’s a huge reason to be cautious of a big age gap. I do, however, know that you can’t tar all guys with the same brush and I hope you have a long and happy marriage. My grandparents were 13 years apart and I wouldn’t have said it was the easiest marriage (hard because of the patriarchy and in those days she wasn’t able to have a career as well as ‘be at home with DC and looking after the house’) but it worked.

This thread took a turn!

I am also the younger model (only 12 years difference) and am closer in age to his oldest child than him. But men are immature gits so I’ve never dated anyone younger or same age.

You do you and enjoy retirement in peace cause the old man will be long gone 😅

It’s funny, when a woman is with a much younger man nobody says oh he must have mummy issues. Barbara Windsor had a much younger husband who nursed her through her dementia, bet no MNer feels sorry for him.

One issue that hasn't been raised is that women tend to want to find men who earn at least the same as them or perhaps more. If OP is on £60k and doesn't even live in London/SE, perhaps there aren't as many unattached younger men who are on anything remotely close in terms of salary and probably even fewer who own multiple properties. Those who fit that bill are probably even less interested at settling down while OP definitely is.

At least her DH is on a salary that is roughly on the same scale as her and probably more savings than the average young man of that age which has enabled them to buy a family home together. Most veteran mumsnetters seem to have spent their 20s in London even if they don't necessarily live there anymore and yes London is different cos there are many young men who are in high paying jobs at a young age or who come from family money (hence giving them the confidence to move to London). This may not be usual outside London, I often have debates with a (single) male friend outside London who keeps insisting that £40k is a middle class and v comfortable salary and £75k(my DH's salary) is basically a salary that would make you super rich. Erm. Even if you are not looking for money, hearing stuff like this is probably going to make you think that you aren't on the same wave length. OP would definitely not want to be in a relationship with a guy who says stuff like that and a younger guy where she lives (on 20k or 30k I would guess based on the low house prices) may well have that perspective.

my DH is two years older than me and while he earns ok now, we met in university when he was penniless. But at the same time, I suppose opportunities were limitless. Yet marrying someone of the same age in my early 20s meant that we had to do stuff like live with parents to save for a deposit while establishing our careers in London (though it was only for 3 years and well behind us). I suppose marrying an older man means that you are less likely to have to do that. So I guess there are pros and cons to everything and the 'con' for OP is she may have to change his adult diapers when she is 60.

Of course they say exactly that!

If these men have adult daughters I find it pretty disturbing. Does he look at his young daughter's body with unconscious lust?

As a mum, let's say I have a teen or adult son in 20s. When I look at boys and men of the same age, I'm reminded of my sons. If I were attracted to their youthful traits and body, then pretty much I would find it hard to ignore those precise traits in my own sons too!

I thought it was pretty well established that men with much older women enjoy being "nurtured" and "mothered", to feel a sense of safety. Mummy issues is a pretty common observation