To think the young gf/wife gets a raw deal

[gutfightinghead]

I’m 15 years younger than my DH. We have been married a year and have a 4 month old baby. I’m 25, he’s 40 and we’re both in great careers, have our own home, financially stable, unbelievable sex life and genuinely happy. We have our disagreements like everyone else but on the whole it’s a healthy, happy relationship.

however - I still find I get a lot of sneers and as if I must be a young bimbo for being much younger, like I’m a silly wee girl. We got a lot of ‘oh she’s a silly young girl’ or ‘she’s his mid life crisis’, ‘it’ll never last’ etc.

just recently we had an appointment with our solicitor about something and he apologised and we said why? And he said he got us all wrong on paper he expected some young dope not someone with career, sensible etc

ive also noticed on mumsnet itself a lot of younger gf/wives etc get a bad name or labelled very quickly.

if they’re the other woman I completely understand as I know that sometimes is the case when there’s a younger gf/wife but apart from that I don’t understand why we get labelled so badly or as if we are silly/naive/stupid??

Maturity is about possessing the following qualities, amongst others...

1. Ability to listen to others, and consider their opinions. Not to dismiss differing opinions, inventing a negative adjective to apply to the person to be able to do so.

1. Not feel the need to boast and be silly.

1. Not make up things about one's own life to appear, ironically, mature - whilst achieving the exact opposite.

1. Not caring what other people think, because you have confidence in your own thoughts.

1. Make good decisions about partners and simply red flags a mile off.

I'm afraid maturity isn't about whether or not you want to go clubbing, and whether you drink or not.

I'm not sure it's about being a whole person as much as understanding all the options life has to offer before deciding which one to take. If the OP has experienced nothing but being in relationships with older men, then she may have missed out on something that would suit her better. Its not about the travelling and nights out as such, more about taking time to properly study the menu rather than just eating the dish your older boyfriend has chosen for you.

i absolutely agree that OP, from her own telling, has had a very difficult life. And to the comment about travel or having friends - I do think by her own telling OP has had an undulant hard life and some independence and space might have benefited her.

as the maximum age of 16 (perhaps younger) she was in an emotionally, physically and sexually abusive relationship (if relationship is the right word?) which lasted for five years. Her abuser is not in prison, but in fact is still friendly with her uncle.

she came straight out of that abusive relationship into this relationship. She was able to purchase property investments, succeed academically and professionally, get married, have a baby and achieve pure and true happiness with a man who is is an ugly battle with his ex over their child.

and the only fly in the ointment is a judgemental solicitor.

OP if you have indeed managed to achieve all this in such a short period of time you are truly inspirational.

I don’t doubt that people can turn their life around after experiencing such deep trauma - but it is unusual to do it so quickly.

One might have expected that having bought 2 houses the OP would have her own solicitor who knows all about her. Even if that were a conveyancer and the solicitor they were seeing was a Family Law solicitor (given the difficulties with her husband's ex partner and child) in the same firm one might have expected her own solicitor to brief the other.

If on the other hand the solicitor they were seeing was a Family Law solicitor previously new to her, that sector doesn't generally attract "old school" practitioners (for the purposes of this post I'm setting aside the complete nonsense of that phrase). Family Law practicioners are , in a very short time, pretty unshockable by what comes through their door.

I'm not sure at all about this whole story but there's some vile stuff being posted here when, as pointed out up thread, on another thread where the female is 43 and male is 27 there is nothing put praise and positivity for her.

Absolute double standards... And it's rife here on MN.

Absolutely valid and agree with this. Partying, drinking and travelling can be left out of the equation however, as well as digs about friends and hobbies.

OP, you’re getting a hard time here from women who have been your age and thought they were women of the world. I know because I have too.

Another PP said that they don’t usually judge the woman, they judge the older man because at 40, more life has been lived, and usually women their own age can detect huge walking red flags. That is true in some cases not all.

Just enjoy your life, who cares what people say and think.

But the effect is the same. Higher income earners do not receive as much, or any, child benefit. So means linked.

Which thread? I certainly wouldn't applaud that either.

You're cute OP. You sound rather immature and probably that's why you don't see why other people might see this sort of relationship as something potentially problematic. Great that you're happy now and I hope it will stay this way.

Just ask yourself how you'll feel when in 10 years you'll be with a... 50 year old man!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4842554-having-a-child-with-a-much-younger-man

So what? That's nearly the age difference between my dh and I. I don't look at him and think 'ew'- how fucking shallow. We have young dc together too, sure he's an older dad compared to the average but he's hands on, kind and incredibly loving. What else matters really?

I'm sure there's power play in some age gap relationships. But DV, control and other issues occur in all relationships. If a couple is happy and who has the right to judge them from the outside? Pathetic.,

And in that other thread linked above, the man will be younger than OP when the woman is 50.

I wonder how he'll feel?!

@hallecherry completely agree with you.

I think that thread is an exception - I'm sure there have been critical threads about that sort of age gap. But for the avoidance of doubt, I think it's no better.

You don't sound much better.

That is not a phrase a 50YO would use. It's outdated for even people in their 90s!!!!

@Softleftpowerstance was literally quoting the OP.

I have a good friend whose husband is ten years older than her. They have been together since she was 24. They have had good years but she is very unhappy now. She's 58, he's 68. The gap is really telling now.
My exhusband left me for a 17 year old when he and I were 32. She has just divorced him because ,finally, at 44 she realised what a prat he was.I brought up our 2 tiny children alone. She is now bringing up their teen alone.
If you are still married when you are 45 and he is 60 you will have tied yourself to an old man. My second husband is 62, I am 58. We are both in good health but neither of us want to do the things we did at 45.

Not buying alcohol saves you tens of thousands to allow you to amass 2 deposits of tens of thoustands and get a mortgage at 21 when you weren't even earning?

You worked your way to "management" after having worked barely a year after qualification before getting pregnant in the supercompetitive highly paid world of finance?

What utter porkies. You don't even have the life experience to write book.

@WhateverMate what?

I really don’t believe for one moment Any solicitor looked at you and fawned I was expecting some young dope not someone so sensible and successful.

😂

This, lol.

Well yes, that's clearly because men and women are different aren't they?
Intelligent people cannot completely disregard everything we know about male and female power dynamics in our society, the typical behaviours of the two sexes, and their relative vulnerability, and pretend that the two situations are exactly the same, just so men don't get huffy about 'double standards'.
Truly, if you think for a moment that swapping the sexes would mean the same comments should be made, I strongly suggest you do a little research on the difference between men and women, and hopefully it will all become clear why its not the case.

i never said maternity was linked to performance. I just happen to work for a good finance company.

i’m not in the mainland so house prices are cheaper.

What is "the mainland"? A good finance company which is "not in the mainland" - I would have thought a good finance company that can pay you so much so young to buy 2 investment properties would be in a financial centre city not some sleepy island.

Mainland sounds like cloud cuckoo land.

There's a certain irony to thinking that travelling and nights out make you a whole person,

That certainly doesn't make you a whole person, but experiencing life, becoming independent, learning from mistakes and growing up before you make major life decisions does indeed make you a whole person.
Tying yourself to a man 25 years older than yourself when you are barely out of your teens does not make you whole.

Well. Maybe for the op