To think the young gf/wife gets a raw deal

[gutfightinghead]

I’m 15 years younger than my DH. We have been married a year and have a 4 month old baby. I’m 25, he’s 40 and we’re both in great careers, have our own home, financially stable, unbelievable sex life and genuinely happy. We have our disagreements like everyone else but on the whole it’s a healthy, happy relationship.

however - I still find I get a lot of sneers and as if I must be a young bimbo for being much younger, like I’m a silly wee girl. We got a lot of ‘oh she’s a silly young girl’ or ‘she’s his mid life crisis’, ‘it’ll never last’ etc.

just recently we had an appointment with our solicitor about something and he apologised and we said why? And he said he got us all wrong on paper he expected some young dope not someone with career, sensible etc

ive also noticed on mumsnet itself a lot of younger gf/wives etc get a bad name or labelled very quickly.

if they’re the other woman I completely understand as I know that sometimes is the case when there’s a younger gf/wife but apart from that I don’t understand why we get labelled so badly or as if we are silly/naive/stupid??

I am 40 and used to be 25. I worked in the city and life was full of travel and parties, 40 year old men trying it on seemed like creeps.

Now the thought of being married to a 55 year old isn't too bad, but by 60 my parents started having health issues and retired, totally different stage of life.

You are having kids young, will get to 40/45 when you get to live for yourself again and he will be getting ready to wind down.

This is one of the Mumsnet "truisms" which just isn't true for everyone . For many of us who are actually living the scenario, there is nothing like this mythical power imbalance.

My DH is 16 years older than me, we've been married for 21 years. No power imbalance because nobody wants to have this supposed power. We're a team , simple. Happy as can be, nobody is the boss. Finances reasonably equal. And I'm unlikely to ever be his carer since my health is actually impaired and his isn't.

It really isn't helpful to assume that all older men are in a power position, it just doesn't apply in many situations.

It isn’t about men being in a power position, older women can be too with younger men. It isn’t even about financials- it’s about experience and knowledge. A person who is 15/16 years older will have had more experiences, will have most likely had more previous relationships and will have that imbalance. 5 years earlier when OP was 16 her DH was 31, twice her age. You cannot compare life experiences in this sense and claim there’s no imbalance.

Exactly 😆

Mainly, for me, it’s a gut reaction. I had a relationship when I was 18 with a 31 year old and it felt fine at the time and I’m not saying it can never work.

However, I’m fairly sure that when I was 36, I wouldn’t have dreamed of going out with someone who was 21. Even if they seemed very mature, they would still have had so little life experience, that I don’t think I’d have been interested.

And as a woman who had a long-term marriage and children with a man my age, I am absolutely relieved as anything that he had a vasectomy. Otherwise, I can imagine him doing what your husband is doing and starting over, even though he seriously fucked everything up the first time and wasn’t a good father.

The kick in the teeth that would have been for my children is something I’m very glad I’ll never have to negotiate. So fundamentally, I think any man with grown children who starts again with a young woman as if his first family has basically been cast aside, is probably pretty selfish.

Sounds like your life is being squeezed into a few years to compensate for his age. Met, married, and 4 month old within the space of 4 years is pretty fast.

But you do you. And if some old school un-PC solicitor makes inappropriate comments, then firstly stop giving him business, and secondly laugh them off and don’t let it affect you enough to come tell Mumsnet about it.

I judge when I see old male celebrities getting together with another young women & popping out babies. I do wonder why a 40 yr old man hasn't clicked with a women closer to his age. But tbh society probably judges a 40 yr women with a 25 yr old man more.

At 36 I wouldn’t have touched a 21yr old with a barge pole, I saw them as basically kids. I think thats why most (not all) women balk at that. It’s not the age gap it’s the age of the younger partner.

Other people having opinions isn't you getting a raw deal. People are entitled to opinions, and if you didn't want to hear them then it would have been better not to start up a thread.

It's all just a bit weird. I am not yet 36 but I look at 21 year old men (was with one last night actually) and they are just boys in my head. We are at totally different stages in life, I can't imagine pursuing a relationship with one.

My father married someone much younger (they met a few years after my parents divorced so he didn’t leave anyone for her). They have now been married for over 20 years and are very happy. I do feel for her now dad is getting older. She retired early and faces living out her older years alone, not to mention caring for dad as he gets older. They have had a wonderful life together through, so it can last.

When he is in his 60s and you in your 40s it might be more an issue.

This thread is certainly in stark contrast to one of the "similar threads" listed at the bottom of the pages isn't it!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4842554-having-a-child-with-a-much-younger-man

You have a great career. At 25?

You own your home. At 25?

You are financially stable. At 25?🙄

He was 36 and out of a relationship with a 34 year old and then the opportunity to date a 21 year old arose, yeah I bet his mother has never seen him so happy. I imagine he couldn’t believe his luck either when you started dating. It’s great that you’re both happy and still together and hopefully when you’re 35 and he’s 50 you’ll feel the same, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t if you continue the way you are.

All situations have their norms and exceptions. It sounds like you could be an exception, but you’ll go through life being judged by the norms.

I hate that people judge other peoples situations without having any idea of the reality. Good for you that you’re both happy.

Some people have such a limited view of the world that they assume their own hang ups and prejudices are facts.

Perfect examples of this on page one ‘the man left his long term partner for a younger model’ when this isn’t said at all.

OP, you’re right in some senses, age gap relationships are judged but on the upside, if you’re happy that’s all that matters. They’re the ones who have to live in their bitter and judgmental heads. I tend to either pity them or be amused by them.

The assumptions are unfair to you personally, OP. But the assumptions in general exist because they’re a part of a long and well-established pattern of behaviour by middle-aged men.

Oh OP, I really feel for you because I used to be exactly like you. Academically smart, thought I was very mature for my age and couldn't understand why all these 'bitter' older women seemed to have a problem with age gap relationships (also assumed it was jealousy).

Now I'm a bit older I can see how naive I was. As time has passed I have experienced things that have inevitably matured me and changed me as a person. I know the fact that 'wisdom comes with age' seems condescending when you're young and you feel you can shortcut the process by being clever and fitting a lot into a short space of time but the reality is you simply can't easily do this.

Now I see more clearly that a 21 year old with 3 years of life experience as an adult can be very easy pickings for a 36 year old man that has has 6x as many years living as an adult with all the joy, pain and understand that inevitably brings for most of us. If it feels like you have somehow managed to bridge the maturity gap because you are just so mature for your age and he is relatively immature for his age then it's even more of a red flag. He is either deceiving you or is incapable of growth as this isn't normal.

Society judges because they know the young woman is getting a bum deal. A 15 years gap when you're 21 and 36 can be appealing because the difference in physical age isn't so noticeable but when you're 55 and 70 or 70 and 85 then it's likely to be a different story. Your partner will likely lose interest in things before you, his health will probably fail before yours and he will likely die before you as this is what older people do. You will probably end up supporting and caring for him in the end as you will be young and fit enough to do it. When you get old yourself, he probably won't be there to do that for you and your old age will look very different than his. Probably doesn't seem a big deal now but having seen this dynamic play out a few times with family and friends, I can assure that when the chickens come home to roost the age gap does start to count.

OP your thread sounds a bit gloaty.

I wouldn’t be happy at all about one of my DC being married and having a child with someone 15 years older at the age of 21.

And as for an “unbelievable sex life” of course you would do - he’s not exactly in it for your life experience is he? Sex is pretty amazing at 21 anyway because you’re still discovering new things etc plus, to put it bluntly, he’ll have slept with a lot more women!

How did you guys meet?

I’d be keeping my fingers crossed there are no hot 21/22 years old starting at the firm each Autumn.

Of course you can't see any issues, that's why these older guys constantly go for young women. Come back in 20 years and I'd guarantee your opinions will have shifted 💐

I just want to know how you managed to get financially stable, have your own home and great career at 25?

Most new couples have a great sex life when they start dating it aint just reserved to 25 year olds. Ya know.

It's because we've lived longer and seen it happen more. It's just our own personal observations. Doesn't mean the assumptions are right in every case, but the longer you've lived, the more you've seen.