To think the young gf/wife gets a raw deal

[gutfightinghead]

I’m 15 years younger than my DH. We have been married a year and have a 4 month old baby. I’m 25, he’s 40 and we’re both in great careers, have our own home, financially stable, unbelievable sex life and genuinely happy. We have our disagreements like everyone else but on the whole it’s a healthy, happy relationship.

however - I still find I get a lot of sneers and as if I must be a young bimbo for being much younger, like I’m a silly wee girl. We got a lot of ‘oh she’s a silly young girl’ or ‘she’s his mid life crisis’, ‘it’ll never last’ etc.

just recently we had an appointment with our solicitor about something and he apologised and we said why? And he said he got us all wrong on paper he expected some young dope not someone with career, sensible etc

ive also noticed on mumsnet itself a lot of younger gf/wives etc get a bad name or labelled very quickly.

if they’re the other woman I completely understand as I know that sometimes is the case when there’s a younger gf/wife but apart from that I don’t understand why we get labelled so badly or as if we are silly/naive/stupid??

I remember being 21 and 41 - and there is a huge difference in my experience, knowledge, maturity so I think there is an element of wanting to protect a 21 from an older man.

In an older man/younger woman situation I view the man negatively- for me it indicates running away from his own responsibilities (particularly if he has children), scared of growing up (wanting to recreate the uni years), think he must be unable to properly commit.

I'm in my 60s with a similar age gap after over 35 years together and you can speak for yourself. Not for me

I think I judge more along the lines of both experience, seeing the type of man who likes dating much younger women, and also thinking about it myself, I couldn't take a man 15 years younger than me, just seems ick. Dating a 25 year old man, urgh, no thanks.

Oh, do bog off. Narrow minded bigotry all over this thread.
OP I was you 37 years ago( married a late blooming bachelor though) Still married, still happy, DH is the best and still fitter than most men twenty years his junior.

Judge the man, pity the woman.

And you will too, when you are his age, and your kids are your age.

It's a shame.

You know every single couple do you?

That’s how you can guarantee that in 20 years her opinion will have shifted?

Well, I can promise you that your ‘guarantee’ is a load of old shit. Things might have changed, but that’s the same whether the couple is the same age, has a two year age gap or a 15 year age gap.

OP sounds brainwashed.

No solicitor would make a comment like that

@gutfightinghead

You must realise by now that if everything is as lovely as you portray that you really are the exception to this kind of older man / much younger woman couple dynamic.

I am 20 years older than you and my experience is that I know a significant minority of men who ditch their long term wife (usually when she's heading into menopause) and gets a younger model. Essentially things get hard and he leaves. It's a tale as old as time.

So yes, I am afraid a lot of people will judge you and him (mainly him)

I am glad you have a strong loving relationship and are happy. That's the most important thing isn't it.

Most people have seen these age gap relationship fail. But then 50% of marriages fail.

OP you come across as incredibly childish and immature. You seem boastful and silly and your story doesn’t really add up.

I think people are reacting to reacting to that.

I assume the solicitor was meeting you for child custody or child support issues. You new husband has brought a lot of drama into your life.

if I had a 25 year old successful daughter I would want her to be travelling and enjoying her high salary. Not having a baby with a much older man and spending time caught up in disputes with his ex about his other child.

covid and lock down happened during what should have been a really exciting time for you - I remember starting my career, those early years were terrifying and amazing. The long hours, occasional all nighters and of course the additional exams and studying. It’s competitive - no one took maternity leave or even took the time to organise a wedding. I am amazed you were able to do it. Firing those early years in finance I struggled to get time to make a hair appointment!!

bit this is the path you have chosen and you are determined to tell everyone how happy you are on it.

I’m sorry that you’re so bitter and presumptuous.

Your thread about him, his ex, how entangled they are and his children didn’t suggest a happy relationship at all. It actually suggested he is having an emotional affair, your feelings aren’t considered and that you’re the new play thing who does all the things he doesn’t fancy doing at home.

Pattern recognition is a really important human skill. It’s helped us learn what plants are toxic, where to build safe shelter, how to keep children from harm.
You’re asking why people who have witnessed a pattern talk about the pattern.

The answer is: it’s human nature.

You can’t change it, no matter how happy you make your husband.

If either of my dd came home with a 36 old who has kids I would be very concerned. There is definitely a power imbalance and in your early twenties you are still growing up. I'd be concerned at what a nearly 40 year old grown man closer image to me wanted with a girl of 21.

I have had friends who had relationships with significantly older men and unfortunately they haven't lasted. In one instance the man who enjoyed the fact he had a young gf who liked to go out and party suddenly wanted all that to stop when they became serious. In another the couple seemed great they got married and had two kids (they were 20 and 36 when they first met) when he got inti his 50's and she was early 30's the cracks started to show. He was slowing down didn't want to go out on a evening , wasn't up for days out with kids. He aged significantly and suddenly the age gap made a difference. She didn't want to be thinking about retirement and pottering about in her mid 30's

21 and 36 is a huge age gap. My maternal grandparents had this age gap and those ages when they married and there was definitely a power imbalance. Most people wouldn't judge the woman. We judge the man because we wonder why he wasn't with a woman around his age. Maybe those women wouldn't put up with a man wanting control. I'm only slightly older than you and that age gap makes me uneasy.

I find it strange she hasn't mentioned her step child.

100%

This is spot on.

It is cringey. It’s so just predicable and pathetic

Yikes.

I would actually say you sound quite a lot younger than 25 here.

There will always be exceptions to the rule but a lot of older men can be jealous or possessive, even if it's not obvious, as they want a pretty young woman that they can feel proud of being seen with who is "mature for her age" and happy to play mum and stay at home and therefore not out rubbing and clubbing and being looked at by other men.

The power imbalance is in that the man will often be a far higher earner at that point and ot coming to the table to buy a house as equal partners as he has accumulated money.

Such men have usually either never had a serious relationship or have had a long relationship where they either blame the woman, usually for things he wants the younger wife to live up to e.g. she let herself go, no sex life - so the new woman feels she needs to do better and compete = the man gets a pretty girl who wants to please him in bed. Or his wife might have just got sick of his shit. Few women walk away from husband that arent good enough, as long as things arent bad enough. 20 years with his ex doesnt necessrily mean he was a good husband.

Not many men want to do the kids thing over again. I'm older and I'd worry how much effort he put in with the kids of he has he energy to do it all over again and whether he thinks having babies/siblings is the right choice for his current kids.

Having kids takes a lot out of you so I'd be sceptical of a man who has adult kids wanting to do it all over again.

Sod what others think. Live your life and be happy op

Unfortunately I was assuming this but didn’t want to in case it wasn’t true. Sad that it is. Always the children who get caught up in parents relationship woes.

logging off and heading to sleep. Was away there for a passionate encounter with my DH and looking forward to another day with my best friend

😂 Fgs

And .. What 25 year old says 'logging off'.

The dope bit was bad, but this is worse.

I'd be genuinely interested in how he would feel if his 25 year old daughter started a relationship with someone his age. I suspect he might feel quite unhappy, despite telling you that e would be fine with it and it's different for him and you.

There will always be exceptions. Perhaps you are the exception. Come back and post in 15 years and show everyone they are wrong.

just recently we had an appointment with our solicitor about something and he apologised and we said why? And he said he got us all wrong on paper he expected some young dope not someone with career, sensible etc

A solicitor said this in an official appointment? Really?
I think I'd be questioning whether I want a solicitor who seems so inexperienced and unprofessional doing my legal work. Every lawyer I know has dealt with all manner of client situations so would never assume something like that tbh.

Good luck to you, glad you are happy. Go and enjoy your new family and don't worry about what anyone else thinks.