To think the young gf/wife gets a raw deal

[gutfightinghead]

I’m 15 years younger than my DH. We have been married a year and have a 4 month old baby. I’m 25, he’s 40 and we’re both in great careers, have our own home, financially stable, unbelievable sex life and genuinely happy. We have our disagreements like everyone else but on the whole it’s a healthy, happy relationship.

however - I still find I get a lot of sneers and as if I must be a young bimbo for being much younger, like I’m a silly wee girl. We got a lot of ‘oh she’s a silly young girl’ or ‘she’s his mid life crisis’, ‘it’ll never last’ etc.

just recently we had an appointment with our solicitor about something and he apologised and we said why? And he said he got us all wrong on paper he expected some young dope not someone with career, sensible etc

ive also noticed on mumsnet itself a lot of younger gf/wives etc get a bad name or labelled very quickly.

if they’re the other woman I completely understand as I know that sometimes is the case when there’s a younger gf/wife but apart from that I don’t understand why we get labelled so badly or as if we are silly/naive/stupid??

Yes this is how most people would feel really.

I suspect you'll probably think the same in the years to come OP. People often can't appreciate the reality of a situation until they are out of it.

Of all the prejudices that people judge, I do think that the young wife/older husband has a basis in genuine concern.

It does undermine equality amongst men and women, perpetuates the view that women are seen as only useful when they are young and attractive, and men just increasing in power as they gain wealth and status.

It can cause instability within existing families, where the man basically swaps his wife for a younger model, abandoning his children and trading in commitment for ego.

It can cause instability for women who give their 30s to a man in order to build a family or long term relationship, only also to find themselves 'swapped'.

It is easier for a man to be with a younger woman, he is less challenged, he is seen as more mature and the value on his status is higher, he is needed in a way that a woman his own age does not usually look up to him, I guess you could say in a fatherly, protector way.

I had a father who left my mother for a woman 20 years younger, and my Ex left me for a woman 16 years younger. So you could say I'm a bit biased! Definitely did not help me growing up, or my kids now.

All relationships are unique although there are broad trends which repeat time and time again. The reason people are cynical about age gap relationships is because they do often conform to the cliche. But not all.

My XH was 17 years older than me. I met him when I was 18. He was single following a divorce and wasn't a sexual predator. It was mutually wanted and very much on equal terms. If didn't work out sadly. Ironically because I outgrew him when I realised that I was the more mature and responsible person in the relationship who made sure everything worked in our lives. If I'd been looking for a protector and provider (I wasn't) I'd have been disappointed!

I'm open minded about any relationship to be honest. If people seem happy I don't really care about the set up. However, it's still true to say that a lot of age gap relationships have issues. That doesn't make anyone prejudiced, just observant. There are lots of other indicators of issues in relationships as well as age gaps. Many people recognise those too.

I hope you continue to be happy OP.

Oh no. OP, I wish you every happiness. I'm so sorry things have been tough.

Everything is split? Young women get a raw deal these days.

I just don’t see the appeal of a man that much older. We have friends in their 40s who are now becoming grandparents! I’d find a 40 year old to be quite a bit older than me and I’m 31! I cannot imagine being with a 36 year old at the age of 21 and I do find it really creepy, sorry.

Even worse is viewing it from the other way. My husband is 33 and I am 31 and 21 seems so so very young to us! There is nothing I’d find attractive in a 21 year old. My neighbor is 22 and seems so very young! I find it creepy and there is a power imbalance because they are so much older than you!

It is put best by a quote from an unknown source:

Q ”Why are you so cynical?”
A ”Experience”

Yes the younger woman gets the raw deal, but not in the way you’re thinking.

As thick as it gets.

Aside from the obvious ick you may really regret this if you are earning far more than him in ten years time and he decides it's not worth him working anymore and he will retire early (once the difficult childcare years are out of the way, of course) and then if you want to divorce him you'll lose half (or more, because you have more "earning potential") or the assets you've built up.

Why the stereotype and where does it come from? It comes from a long, long history of men reaching the age of 40, having a mid life crisis, ditching their loving, loyal wives and families, and hooking up with much, much younger girls who represent everything they miss about their youth. They want to do the partying all over again and forget their responsibilities. That's where it comes from. Sorry if you think your relationship is different, but you can't be angry with people who've seen it happen a million times and therefore tar your relationship with that brush.

Sorry OP but there will be a power imbalance with a 21 year old and a 36 year old even if you’re not willing to see it as it was- and people are right, it’s unbelievably grim.

Yeah I don't know if I believe you when you say you're relationship is amazing based on your previous thread regarding your husbands ex....

You trying to control him engaging with her and him snapping and storming off..

All sounds wonderful OP.

Your* even.

Yep your other thread about you snapping at your DP for talking to his ex’s friend doesn’t show you in a good light and you also don’t mention your step-child either.

Was coming here to say that I don't care about age gaps, that I personally don't find older men attractive but there are both men and women who do find older partners attractive, so each to their own, and blah blah blah...

Then I read OP's subsequent posts and I realised this must be a 14-year-old who got on her mum's MN account, because there is no way a "mature, successful woman" would come here to boast that she is, oh heavens!, having SEX with her amazing husband, and that she is really, I swear to you, TOTALLY mature and that she makes so much money she does not qualify for child support.

Sorry OP, but if you really are genuine you must be in serious need of an ego boost, because this post is not even half normal.

But hey, enjoy the great sex.

He did marry his 1st child mother but he married you a well paid younger women you know when you spit up he will take half of what you own cos you are going back to work and will stay at home with child ...
He definitely saw you coming

“I’m logging off and heading to sleep. Was away there for a passionate encounter with my DH and looking forward to another day with my best friend”

Ok now you’ve posted that I know this isn’t legit 😂

You’re absolutely right, they do they want to go out and party and be a single 20-year-old bloke again and unfortunately the sex leads to a baby which was certainly not part of the assignment.

interesting story 🙄

I’ve noticed this pattern at my children’s schools - older man with younger woman. I am probably ‘old school’ but I find 4 years such a quick time to have a baby with someone, especially at your young age. Has he got other children?

He has. She doesnt like them

It's awful to be treated that way. I look much, much younger than I am so I've been treated like a child my entire life so I understand. It feels like a mountain I have to overcome, just for existing. Ridiculous, and you shouldn't have to put up with it! Especially just because of who you love. 25 is legally and biologically adulthood! I can't believe the snide remarks, it must be jealousy.

Yes some people do and will judge .Sometimes it seems like a national pasttime..

There has been a lot of negativity directed at you OP. Just to put my two penneth worth in: my best friend has a similar age difference to her husband as you do. She is the 2nd wife but like you her husband was single when she met him. 30+ years later they are still together and seem content and happy. He is now in his 60s but is fit and healthy and, now he is retired, they regularly play a sport together. My uncle's 2nd wife is 25 years younger than him and they still adore each other (he is in his 90s now). He was always super fit, social and charming (in a nice way) - the sort who lights up a room.

On the flip side of the coin, years ago I comforted a colleague whose partner was 12 years younger, she had just come back from abroad where another (female) guest at the hotel has said to her "I see you have brought your son on holiday" (really nasty and probably from jealousy). She was really upset. He was 36, so hardly a toy boy. I don't know whether some people are deliberately hurtful or just don't realise the impact of their negative (and unnecessary) comments.

The thought of dating a 25yo at 40 makes me feel sick tbh! I'm 33 and would never date a 25yo. The imbalance would make me feel gross. I'd definitely judge the older of the couple rather than the younger, as would everyone I know.

I hear you and @NorthernLights5

I'm 41 and my son is 22. Just the thought makes me want to throw up a bit. If some bird my age ever tried with my son, trust me full on mama bear will come out.