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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In expecting him to pick me up from the airport?

388 replies

dramallamamx · 23/09/2023 16:01

I'm currently travelling alone in Mexico and I realised I had made a mistake with my coach times to get home from the airport as I forgot about the time difference. A new ticket is £40 and a 6 hour coach journey returning home at 8pm by which time I will have been travelling for around 24 hours and I am back at work the next day. I rang my partner and asked if he could give me a lift from the airport , it is about a 2 and a half hour drive. He says he has a meeting at 10am and I land at 11:15, I said ok I don't mind waiting at the airport for you to arrive, he says he will be too tired as he drove 5 hours to Devon yesterday for a music show and he doesn't know how long the meeting will last so he can't do it and it's my fault that I fucked up the times. I said he was being selfish as I would go out of my way to help him in this situation. Who is being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 25/09/2023 19:16

My DH would drop everything for me, however in the circumstances you’ve described I can see that it’s a massive inconvenience for him. Your Mum is a constant, you’ve not been with this guy six months, so it’s a big ask.

Talapia · 25/09/2023 19:19

dramallamamx · 23/09/2023 16:39

I would rather be in the comfort of a car for 2 and a half hours than sitting on a coach for 6 hours but hey ho I've paid for the ticket now but I've told him I'm not happy about it .

What, that your not happy about your mistake ?
You can't blame him for not wanting to drive for 5 hours because of your error.

Seriously, I wouldn't expect my husband of 35 years to pick me up.

Just get the coach.

UsingChangeofName · 25/09/2023 19:26

This is the first favour or help I've ever asked for from him and I just think it's telling how he's responded.

He's responded very sensibly.
It is the 'favour' that you have asked him is unrealistic.

It's also telling the "counting" you are doing of things you have done for him. Maybe those things are more reasonable thing for a person to be able to do.
Maybe there weren't perfectly feasible alternatives to those things.

As a pp said - it is a good life skill to get your head to a place where you graciously accept that what you are asking of someone is too big an ask, and to be able to continue a good relationship with that person afterwards.

I mean, you can end a fairly new relationship whenever you want, for whatever reason you want, but the young man isn't being at all unreasonable in this scenario to say he can't / won't do this.

Sakura7 · 25/09/2023 20:02

jolaylasofia · 25/09/2023 18:14

@Sakura7 how is it bonkers? it's just what people in a loving relationship do...i'd never dream of making my partner use public transport when i'm fully able to get him myself and he would be the same. I find it weird that people are not willing to put themselves out for each other.

What is so terrible about public transport? Coaches are generally pretty comfortable, you just sit back and read, or listen to music, or sleep.

It's not something you need to be rescued from!

And no, I don't agree that unnecessary 5 hour round trips are something that should be expected in a loving relationship. Quite the opposite actually, if someone was making those kinds of demands of me I'd run a mile.

marcopront · 25/09/2023 20:43

HisNibs · 25/09/2023 18:25

During a period when my GF was laid up after surgery (for weeks), I had to work away for 3 weeks. The work site was 2.5 hours away each way. Work would have organised overnight accommodation and was prepared to pay my travelling expenses to get there and back once a week. The problem was that my then GF would have only had her DM for company in the evening which was not desirable putting it mildly (but that's another thread). Instead of staying away Mon-Fri each week, I travelled there and back every day setting off at 5am and not getting back until around 7pm in the evening. Work wouldn't pay me for the additional travelling expenses (even though I was saving them hotel and meal expenses) but it didn't matter, I still did it for 3 weeks... because I care for her. We've been married for over 28 years now.
Op - he doesn't sound like a keeper.

After 5 hours of driving and a full day at work, you must have needed a good night's sleep or you would have been dangerous on that drive. So a significant part of the 10 hours you were with her must have been spent sleeping.
Why didn't you have her stay with you at the work location?

Winter2020 · 25/09/2023 20:54

dramallamamx · 23/09/2023 16:39

I would rather be in the comfort of a car for 2 and a half hours than sitting on a coach for 6 hours but hey ho I've paid for the ticket now but I've told him I'm not happy about it .

...and he would rather be at home than driving for 5 plus hours.

Of course we do things to help partners but the cost/benefit in this case isn't reasonable. You are asking him to drive for 5 hours to save you six on a coach.

If his meeting is a couple of hours and the traffic is not too bad you might get home at 5 or 6 instead of 8. He will have spent all afternoon driving when there was no need to - just to save you two extra hours snoozing on a coach.

HisNibs · 25/09/2023 21:03

marcopront · 25/09/2023 20:43

After 5 hours of driving and a full day at work, you must have needed a good night's sleep or you would have been dangerous on that drive. So a significant part of the 10 hours you were with her must have been spent sleeping.
Why didn't you have her stay with you at the work location?

Show quote history

The benefit of youth made it possible. 6-7 hours of sleep was more than enough in my early 20s. Having her stay with me at the work location was most certainly not an option - she was post-surgery, bed-bound and needed assistance to get about. The 3-4 hours I did manage to spend each evening were 3-4 hours peace from her mother IYKWIM. That's a whole different thread.

Coyoacan · 25/09/2023 21:43

i'd never dream of making my partner use public transport when i'm fully able to get him myself and he would be the same. I find it weird that people are not willing to put themselves out for each other

Different strokes. One way to be considerate is to give your loved one a lift on demand and another way to be considerate is not to demand a lift when there is really no need.

Public transport is not some fate worse than death some people seem to believe it to be

MargotBamborough · 25/09/2023 21:48

jolaylasofia · 25/09/2023 18:14

@Sakura7 how is it bonkers? it's just what people in a loving relationship do...i'd never dream of making my partner use public transport when i'm fully able to get him myself and he would be the same. I find it weird that people are not willing to put themselves out for each other.

She planned to use public transport from the outset though. The only thing that has changed is that she needed to buy another ticket and she will get home later than she thought she would.

lemonraincoat · 25/09/2023 21:52

I've just this week come back from a holiday with a girlfriend. Back to LGW at 7.30pm. DH could have picked me up (an hour each way) but I took public transport instead.

  1. I hate the motorway driving
  2. DH been working all week while I've been having fun
  3. We should all be trying to use public transport rather than one or two people in a motor vehicle
  4. It was much cheaper, very easy. Took me an hour (1 tube change, one short bus ride).
  5. Common sense
UsingChangeofName · 25/09/2023 23:17

What is so terrible about public transport? Coaches are generally pretty comfortable, you just sit back and read, or listen to music, or sleep.

This ^

It's not something you need to be rescued from!

Quite.
My dd is coming home this weekend, for something she's got booked. She's doing so on the coach. It wouldn't occur to her to ask me to fetch her, because she knows I work, and I have my own stuff going on, and it just all round makes no sense for me to do twice the distance so she can sit in a car, rather than on the coach Confused

And no, I don't agree that unnecessary 5 hour round trips are something that should be expected in a loving relationship. Quite the opposite actually, if someone was making those kinds of demands of me I'd run a mile.

I agree.

GypsyTartForSchoolLunch · 26/09/2023 01:27

dramallamamx · 23/09/2023 16:39

I would rather be in the comfort of a car for 2 and a half hours than sitting on a coach for 6 hours but hey ho I've paid for the ticket now but I've told him I'm not happy about it .

I bet you would.

But he'd sooner be at home than in a car for five hours.

I think you're hugely unreasonable and entitled!

jolies1 · 26/09/2023 07:54

Coyoacan · 23/09/2023 18:38

This is what I am seeing. A lot of people nowadays grew up in households where no-one ever took public transport and are consequently even frightened of it.

Show quote history

OP has just travelled round Mexico solo. I’m sure she has taken some public transport there.

Grumpyold · 26/09/2023 08:02

Of course if you were genuinely stranded he should come and get you, but when there's a perfectly workable and likely cheaper solution, I'd be furious at the pressure you're putting on him.

Someone who's just been off proving how independent they are, now being so useless in order to "test" my commitment would have me seriously questioning the relationship.

Coyoacan · 26/09/2023 13:01

OP has just travelled round Mexico solo. I’m sure she has taken some public transport there.

Fair point

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/09/2023 13:03

You are. Train and cab ?

Beenaboutabit · 26/09/2023 13:11

So partner gives up 5 hours of a working day to save OP maybe 3 hours and £40.

OP, why is your time and money more valuable than your partner’s?

YABVU

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/09/2023 13:15

Coyoacan · Today 13:01

OP has just travelled round Mexico solo. I’m sure she has taken some public transport there.”

By choice, presumably? Thus demonstrating that she’s inspirational, independent and resourceful. Wonder why this will evaporate on touchdown in UK when there’s a partner with a car?

MadKittenWoman · 26/09/2023 13:28

YABU. Trying to work out where the airport is and where you live that takes 2 1/2 hours by car and 6 hours by coach including London...Hmm

Original poster
dramallamamx · 26/09/2023 16:03

Because it's not direct and has a one hour stopover somewhere else on the way 🙄

OP posts:
readbooksdrinktea · 26/09/2023 16:07

Lampzade · 23/09/2023 16:12

YABU
There is no way that I would do a five hour round trip to collect someone when there are alternative ways to get home.

Agree.

He doesn't know when the meeting will end. Not unreasonable.

readbooksdrinktea · 26/09/2023 16:07

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/09/2023 13:15

Coyoacan · Today 13:01

OP has just travelled round Mexico solo. I’m sure she has taken some public transport there.”

By choice, presumably? Thus demonstrating that she’s inspirational, independent and resourceful. Wonder why this will evaporate on touchdown in UK when there’s a partner with a car?

This is a good point, actually.

sandyhappypeople · 26/09/2023 16:18

I think a part of this comes down to expectations with work too, when you’re self employed,some people think that means you can come and go whenever you please. There is a certain amount of freedom to it obviously, but you still have a workload to get through, just because you’ve only got one customer facing meeting that day doesn’t automatically mean you’re free for the rest of the day and could easily do something else for 6 hours instead with no prior planning.

you’re firmly into the taking the other person for granted territory if you think like that anyway, before you put unreasonable expectations on them as to what they should and shouldn’t be doing to ‘show they care’.

readbooksdrinktea · 26/09/2023 16:21

I think a part of this comes down to expectations with work too, when you’re self employed,some people think that means you can come and go whenever you please. There is a certain amount of freedom to it obviously, but you still have a workload to get through, just because you’ve only got one customer facing meeting that day doesn’t automatically mean you’re free for the rest of the day and could easily do something else for 6 hours instead with no prior planning.

Yes to all of this. It is incredibly annoying!

ChesterDrawz · 26/09/2023 16:28

I'm sure it's already been pointed out but, essentially, for you to get home from the airport a 6hr journey needs to take place.

Either you doing 6hrs sat on a coach or him doing 6hrs driving (including a short stop, waiting time etc.) which is really tiring.

So really you're just arguing that it should be someone else who endures the 6hr journey - which would solely benefit you - instead of you doing it yourself, because you don't want to do it.

If you really need to ask whether you're unreasonable I don't think you're going to find the answer you wanted here.