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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s Not Your House…

317 replies

Spaceofmyown · 23/09/2023 10:22

Have my hard hat on awaiting a blasting for this, but need to vent somewhere.
Been with BF for four years, we don’t live together. He has his DS (8) every other weekend, and has taken to spending the majority of the time he has him at my house. Our DCs mostly get on well, and we do spend some nice times together.
However.
Recently it feels like BFs son is getting too expectant on me to provide toys / entertainment whilst he’s here, to be able to do messy craft projects and have his own space within the house. He helps himself to food / drinks / the TV remote, and recently TOLD me that he would have a patch in the garden to plant flowers on when it’s all been dug over. Alongside all this I am just fed up of ‘hosting’ all the time - BF does help me with odd jobs, etc. but it is down to me to provide and cook food, tidy up after them and generally wait on them all the time they’re here. BF has his son this weekend and I’ve told him I need some alone time as I just can’t cope with another weekend of feeling constantly in demand and going back to work on Monday feeling like I’ve not had a break. AIBU? Don’t know if I am just being miserable and should try and make the most of things…

OP posts:
Lonelyandupset · 23/09/2023 16:16

You've complained that he helps himself to food and drinks but also say you feel like you've spent the weekend waiting on him. Not sure what he is supposed to do then?

Lampzade · 23/09/2023 16:21

He should be spending one to one time with his son at his home.
Op is not married to this man and they do not live together. The Op should not be the default parent.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/09/2023 16:23

@Spaceofmyown

I think the main thing you should be thinking is "What do I want the future of this relationship to be?". Because if you are thinking living together or marriage, he is showing you what he expects of you. That you will be the primary caretaker and 'provider of parental services' for his son. If that doesn't work for you (and there's nothing wrong with you feeling that way!) then you need to end the relationship, because he is NOT going to step up and he's not going to change. He may promise the moon and 'behave' for a bit, but things will go back to the way he wants them at some point. Probably once his boots are permanently under your bed. And what a hassle it will be to get him out, not to mention the turmoil for the child.

So don't bother 'having a chat' with him, and don't suddenly treat the child differently. Just end the relationship.

I made the decision in my young years to NEVER date a man with children, for the very reasons you're upset about plus a few more. The chances of you finding a man who will take full responsibility for his child(ren) and not expect you to take on a large part of parental 'duties' are slim to none. If you don't want to be a step-mum, there's nothing wrong with that. Just don't see a man with children.

SammyScrounge · 23/09/2023 16:25

Cadenza12 · 23/09/2023 10:32

I do think that it's to your credit that he feels so at home. From what you say it seems that your BF pops over and expects full waitress service and child entertainment for the weekend. He sees his son, you do all the work so it's a win win. For him. I would find time to talk to him about how this is making you feel and what you expect from him with regard to division of labour. It should be easier with him there, not double the work

I was thinking that. The little boy seems to like and trust you. The person at fault here is your partner. He should be in charge of entertaining his son.
You could try suggesting that he takes the boy out for some Daddy/Son time. Or some family time out. If you cook, he washes up etc
But try not to grudge the boy the patch of earth or the arts and crafts you do with him. He has taken to you and if you reciprocate it will make for a happy child and an undivided family. Just get your partner on board.

tiredofthenoise · 23/09/2023 16:26

I honestly think I'd end things with the bf. He sounds like he's taking advantage and using you as a convenient childminder for his son. If bf will continue bringing his child to your home, it's inevitable that the child will view it as (another) home where he has equal rights to space, food, attention from you. I'd nip this in the bud, one way or another. Either end the relationship now or set firm boundaries about what is and is not acceptable in your home. If you ever expect to share a home with bf, however, you won't have the luxury of saying, 'This is my home and these are my rules,' because then it truly will be SS' home as well.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/09/2023 16:33

tiredofthenoise · 23/09/2023 16:26

I honestly think I'd end things with the bf. He sounds like he's taking advantage and using you as a convenient childminder for his son. If bf will continue bringing his child to your home, it's inevitable that the child will view it as (another) home where he has equal rights to space, food, attention from you. I'd nip this in the bud, one way or another. Either end the relationship now or set firm boundaries about what is and is not acceptable in your home. If you ever expect to share a home with bf, however, you won't have the luxury of saying, 'This is my home and these are my rules,' because then it truly will be SS' home as well.

Agree.

It wasn't a great idea to introduce kids and start mingling households.

Applescruffle · 23/09/2023 16:37

Hmm I wonder why his baby mum left him??

autienotnaughty · 23/09/2023 16:43

Don't invite him at weekends tell them to get some quality time together and you can see him in the week. And yes if they are there it's your dp role to entertain his child

BardRelic · 23/09/2023 16:47

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Since he has a son, perhaps he should try parenting that son. As it is, the mother has the child 12 days out of 14 and of the remaining 2, it's down to the OP. He's outsourcing any parenting to women, whilst he does what, exactly? It's not a great model for the child, is it?

newlystyle · 23/09/2023 16:54

Yanbu. That would really irritate me. He's a guest in your home, not living there. He needs to entertain his child in his home.

newlystyle · 23/09/2023 16:57

missmollygreen · 23/09/2023 10:51

How would you want you own child to be treated by your ex's partner?
Cold abd sour step mother in a house where they didnt feel welcome? Or would you want your child to feel like they belonged and where wanted.

Your poor step son

Typical rubbish posted on here. Where did you even get the idea that's op's stepson?? It's her boyfriends child. But don't let that get in the way of making up things.

SundayCherry · 23/09/2023 17:10

Why are you complaining about the little boy? It’s not his fault he’s asking for drinks and snacks or activities. You should be blaming his dad if you want someone to blame- shameful!

Tryingmybestadhd · 23/09/2023 17:15

sodthesodoff · 23/09/2023 15:15

How the hell have you come to that conclusion.

Looks more like the dad isn't ready to actual parent his own kid.

Pathetic really

Show quote history

Oh aI agree with that too but the point is , if they move in together to have a real relationship then the child would be there every weekend .

Pumpkinpie1 · 23/09/2023 17:16

It doesn’t sound much fun for your kids not to have you to themselves any weekend. I think you need to set healthy boundaries. The boyfriend needs to spend 1 on 1 time with his own child. You don’t live together. So stop enabling his lazy parenting
Its ok to not see him every weekend or are you too insecure in this relationship to have time off

Spambod · 23/09/2023 17:48

Every other weekend you should go to your DP house with your kids and expect him to do all the housework, shopping, laundry, cooking etc. That would be fair. Why is it all you every weekend? he is using you for free childcare. What is in it for you and your DC? He is an absolute cocklodger.

FinallyHere · 23/09/2023 18:46

BF does help me with odd jobs, etc. but it is down to me to provide and cook food, tidy up after them and generally wait on them all the time they’re here

I wonder why BF prefers to 'host' his DC at your house rather than his own?

I wonder why you feel you 'have' to wait on them hand and foot?

There is a conversation to be had with your DP, urgently. If he can't step up, he wouldn't be welcome in my home in the circumstances you describe

Do please prioritise your own children.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 23/09/2023 19:06

Please ignore @stayathomer and all the other PPs who seem to be assuming that having a sexual relationship with a man automatically makes you the 'step mother' of his pre-existing children, and yours a 'blended family'.
These things only happen as a result of a serious conversation/ conscious shift/ proactive decision on both your parts.
And as plenty of other posters have pointed out, your BF's cocklodgy/ Disney-dad behaviour is not v attractive, and unlikely to make any sensible woman take on the burden of taking on parental responsibilities for the 8yo son.
From now on, he should be looking after his son for those 4 days/ month, by himself, in his own house. If he wants to see you during those days, he could (a) invite you (and your DC) over to his house for meals/ whatever or (b) arrange to meet up with you outside at neutral places.
When he's child-free, you two can spend quality time together, and if this is at yoru house, he needs to signifiacntly step up in terms of contributing - towards the housework as well as financially towards the costs of food/energy etc.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/09/2023 19:10

Well said, @Longtimelurkerfinallyposts

stayathomer · 23/09/2023 19:50

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts
Tou honestly wouldn’t assume that someone who took the time to ask on an internet site about how to improve their situation, who has introduced her family to his family and spends so much time with them Isn’t interested in them family and it’s more a short term thing? Weird.

stayathomer · 23/09/2023 19:54

Sorry was stopping dog and cat messing and hit post too soon- Tou- don’t know what that means, them family- them BEING family, and I just said weird was I’d find that weird. Excuse me Longtimelurkerfinallyposts !

HobbyHorse30 · 24/09/2023 17:40

The son isn’t the problem; your partner is. It’s reasonable for a child to look to an adult for eg snacks, drinks, entertainer. The problem is that your partner is stepping back and leaving that to you instead of doing it himself

MagicFarawayTea · 24/09/2023 17:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Haven’t you completely missed the point here?

Noodles1234 · 24/09/2023 17:59

This is part and parcel of dating someone with a child (your BF too dating you).

I do appreciate it is not easy, however I think you should consider dating someone with no children.

I wonder what the Mum of son feels, worried he is going off to a house she doesn’t know, hoping boy is ok and happy.

I really do believe step parents are amazing and it is not easy, blended families are becoming more common and I take my hat off. Parenting on all levels is hard and sounds like he is trying to call this home and yes DP could do some bits with him. But yes, YABU.

HobbyHorse30 · 24/09/2023 18:00

Noodles1234 · 24/09/2023 17:59

This is part and parcel of dating someone with a child (your BF too dating you).

I do appreciate it is not easy, however I think you should consider dating someone with no children.

I wonder what the Mum of son feels, worried he is going off to a house she doesn’t know, hoping boy is ok and happy.

I really do believe step parents are amazing and it is not easy, blended families are becoming more common and I take my hat off. Parenting on all levels is hard and sounds like he is trying to call this home and yes DP could do some bits with him. But yes, YABU.

“DP could do some bits with him”

Have you missed the part where he is the child’s actual parent and therefore holds the responsibility?

Lollipop81 · 24/09/2023 18:07

Well it isn’t his son’s fault, it’s nice that he feels so comfortable that he wants a patch in your garden. BUT if it is too much for you you need to tell your boyfriend it is down to him not his poor child. Just tell him you need space to spend one on one time with your own children and he needs to take a step back. Sounds possible you need to re-evaluate your relationship with your boyfriend.