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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s Not Your House…

317 replies

Spaceofmyown · 23/09/2023 10:22

Have my hard hat on awaiting a blasting for this, but need to vent somewhere.
Been with BF for four years, we don’t live together. He has his DS (8) every other weekend, and has taken to spending the majority of the time he has him at my house. Our DCs mostly get on well, and we do spend some nice times together.
However.
Recently it feels like BFs son is getting too expectant on me to provide toys / entertainment whilst he’s here, to be able to do messy craft projects and have his own space within the house. He helps himself to food / drinks / the TV remote, and recently TOLD me that he would have a patch in the garden to plant flowers on when it’s all been dug over. Alongside all this I am just fed up of ‘hosting’ all the time - BF does help me with odd jobs, etc. but it is down to me to provide and cook food, tidy up after them and generally wait on them all the time they’re here. BF has his son this weekend and I’ve told him I need some alone time as I just can’t cope with another weekend of feeling constantly in demand and going back to work on Monday feeling like I’ve not had a break. AIBU? Don’t know if I am just being miserable and should try and make the most of things…

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 24/09/2023 18:14

missmollygreen · 23/09/2023 10:51

How would you want you own child to be treated by your ex's partner?
Cold abd sour step mother in a house where they didnt feel welcome? Or would you want your child to feel like they belonged and where wanted.

Your poor step son

In this case the kid seems more than comfortable and happy at his Dad's gf's house (not his step mum!)

But it's time for his Dad to step up and pay his way whilst there, care for his own child while there and if his gf says not this weekend to just get on with living and caring for son at his own house, the same house where that same son doesn't like the gf's kids invading his home. HTH

godmum56 · 24/09/2023 18:22

sodthesodoff · 23/09/2023 10:38

Does this kid actually spend any time with his dad? Like quality one on one time?

Or is just left to you and your Dc to entertain?

I don't blame the kid. I blame the dp who seems to have offloaded parental responsibility to you. He's a cheeky fuck

this

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 24/09/2023 18:34

Shinyandnew1 · 23/09/2023 10:43

is down to me to provide and cook food, tidy up after them and generally wait on them all the time they’re here.

and what is your boyfriend doing whilst you’re doing all this?

This 100 percent.

Spend time with your own children - the next three years until your eldest turns 18 are going to fly by and then everything will change. Don't look back and regret missed opportunities because you are doing the parenting work that your BF is shirking.

Is he like this in other areas too? What are you getting out of this relationship?
What financial contribution does he make to all the hosting (food, entertainment etc) you are doing? Is he as tired as you are when he goes to work on Mondays or has he had a very relaxing weekend, with everything taken care of by you?

Serrina · 24/09/2023 18:37

HakunaMatiłda · 23/09/2023 10:24

Fully get where you are coming from. It sounds like he is grooming you so that you become the default parent on his weekends.

This.

LalaPaloosa · 24/09/2023 18:41

This is exactly right. As a divorced Mum I’ve had a whiff of this attitude from divorced Dads on the very first date. Some men are just looking for some poor woman to take up their parenting responsibilities now that divorce means they can’t put them all on their ex wives. No thank you. Happily not dating any men with kids and spending all my resources on my own!

RecklessGoddess · 24/09/2023 18:44

Definitely NOT unreasonable, and I can't believe some of the messages I have read, saying that you ARE. You DO NOT live together, so he shouldn't be only bringing him to your home, he should be inviting you to join them at his own home. If you both see a future together, he needs to be a parent too, not just dump all the responsibility on you! I think you need to have a think about what you want in the long term, then have a discussion with your BF about how you can both go forward, without you feeling dumped on all the time!

BajaBaja · 24/09/2023 18:47

Yes, you need a brake and please do not feel guilty. You should be spending quality time with your children without him. And it also sounds like he is taking advantage.

pollymere · 24/09/2023 18:48

YANBU... Although his son just sounds his age to me. He spends so much time there he's visualising things and forgetting it isn't actually his home. Kids that age do tend to tell you rather than ask for things. He does sound like he needs a reminder from his Dad that this isn't his home - although the amount of time he spends there I can see why he's beginning to treat it like that.

Time for a serious reality check for both BF and his DS I think. Where are things going and you really need some weekends to yourself!

ididntwanttodoit · 24/09/2023 19:11

Do NOT take this out on an 8 year old child who is behaving in a way that suggests he feels comfortable with you in your home. Sort it out with your BF who is delegating his parental responsibilities to you.

Loopytiles · 24/09/2023 19:15

Your BF sounds like a shit dad!

funinthesun19 · 24/09/2023 19:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Nah. Doing the father’s job for him isn’t part of making the child feel welcome. More like part of being a doormat? That sounds more like it.

Panaa · 24/09/2023 20:12

Well it's a boyfriend problem when he has his son only every other weekend and yet can't be bothered to do anything with him...and it's your choice to be with a man like that....how does that not turn you off him?

.........and have his own space within the house. He helps himself to food / drinks / the TV remote, and recently TOLD me that he would have a patch in the garden to plant flowers on when it’s all been dug over.

I think this is fair enough. You're enabling the dad to use your house as the place of contact so the boy will see it as his dads place. The boy isn't doing anything wrong.

Madamum18 · 24/09/2023 20:12

I think you and BF need a conversation on wider than his son staying ...as in

1.Perspectives of everyone in this arrangement including your own kids

  1. His son spending time just with him; not always being at your hopuse (which might be the solution re some of the other areas for discussion
  2. You having to work so hard every weekend when son comes; how that impact on you; ways around that
  3. Compromise arrangement re meeting up but son staying at his dads house at least sometimes
  4. The needs of everyone in this arrangement Him; His son; You; your kids
  6. Then work as a partnership to find a solution considering everyones perspectives.
<strong> Communicate!!!!</strong>
Puffypuffin · 24/09/2023 20:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

That's just it though, they're dating. They don't live together, so there's no reason for the OP to continually be the host.

Bouncybits · 24/09/2023 20:41

Couldn’t agree more

Inertia · 24/09/2023 20:42

This is easily solved.

BF has contact with his son at his own house. You see BF on days/weekends when he doesn't have contact with his son. You spend the weekends wihen BF is with his son doing your own thing with your children, or your wider family, or with friends.

You're not the local soft play centre.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 24/09/2023 21:09

So you also have children? Presumable you cook for them? Is it such a chore to include BF’s son? Poor little chap is trying find his place in his dads world - as he comes most weekends he feels that yours is his weekend home. Do you want him to feel relaxed and happy or for him to be cautious and act like a guest rather than family? If the issue is that you don’t want him there at all then you need to discuss with BF. But if you are having him there, he should feel comfortable and relaxed.

FinallyHere · 24/09/2023 21:17

@Toomuchtrouble4me

But if you are having him there, he should feel comfortable and relaxed.

Well, exactly.

Totally missing the point that the child's father should be stepping up during his contact time, not outsourcing his parenting responsibilities to OP

Ukrainebaby23 · 24/09/2023 21:18

sodthesodoff · 23/09/2023 10:38

Does this kid actually spend any time with his dad? Like quality one on one time?

Or is just left to you and your Dc to entertain?

I don't blame the kid. I blame the dp who seems to have offloaded parental responsibility to you. He's a cheeky fuck

This

Caroparo52 · 24/09/2023 21:31

This is only going to get worse. Currently you are providing the entertainment, support, food and roof over heads of both families at your expense.
Is this what you want?
Your BF has it way too easy. Wake up and smell the coffee op
He's got a free parenting service in you to parent his dc ... the one he can't be arsed to parent himself

JudgeRudy · 24/09/2023 21:51

I think posters are bring unfair saying you have an obligation to embrace his child into your home (and garden!). If you were living together I'd expect a bit of that but tbh it sounds like your giving plenty, in fact way more than your boyfriend should expect.

If he was meeting his mate or his brother/mum you wouldn't expect him to bring them to yours all the time. I think youre right to encourage him to spend time at his own house. It gives you space but also gives him the chance to bond properly. Many men find 1 on 1 timecwiyh kids challenging. What they don't appreciate is that womem do too. No,we don't enjoy crafts or make belive but we like giving to make a dmall person feel happy snd secure.

JudgeRudy · 24/09/2023 22:01

Toomuchtrouble4me · 24/09/2023 21:09

So you also have children? Presumable you cook for them? Is it such a chore to include BF’s son? Poor little chap is trying find his place in his dads world - as he comes most weekends he feels that yours is his weekend home. Do you want him to feel relaxed and happy or for him to be cautious and act like a guest rather than family? If the issue is that you don’t want him there at all then you need to discuss with BF. But if you are having him there, he should feel comfortable and relaxed.

He's not family. His dad doesn't live there. He certainly doesn't. Talking about what he's hoping to do in the garden is rather forward. As a child I would not have done that at say my grandparents house...or anyones really.

I wonder when she last went to his house n he cooked and did crafts with her children!

BMW6 · 24/09/2023 22:06

Your BF is taking the piss OP. You are a free childminder and he's a really shit father.

Gillbil · 24/09/2023 22:33

DisplayPurposesOnly · 23/09/2023 10:30

I feel sorry for your boyfriend's son, he's getting mixed messages about 'home'. He's behaving quite normally for a young child whilst your boyfriend is taking advantage.

This, you bf us the one in the wrong. The child is acting normally, probably more normal than you want to admit if the bf has brought his child up on a new ho me eveery few years with hus relationships.
Your bf is a user, why are you even with him?

Wantosleep39 · 24/09/2023 23:20

You need some boundaries in place. You don’t need to do anything you don’t like or make you feel miserable.
YABU to put yourself in this situation. I know it’s not easy but you need to be very caring, polite, loving but also firm. Saying no is not rude.

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