It’s Not Your House…

[Spaceofmyown]

Have my hard hat on awaiting a blasting for this, but need to vent somewhere.
Been with BF for four years, we don’t live together. He has his DS (8) every other weekend, and has taken to spending the majority of the time he has him at my house. Our DCs mostly get on well, and we do spend some nice times together.
However.
Recently it feels like BFs son is getting too expectant on me to provide toys / entertainment whilst he’s here, to be able to do messy craft projects and have his own space within the house. He helps himself to food / drinks / the TV remote, and recently TOLD me that he would have a patch in the garden to plant flowers on when it’s all been dug over. Alongside all this I am just fed up of ‘hosting’ all the time - BF does help me with odd jobs, etc. but it is down to me to provide and cook food, tidy up after them and generally wait on them all the time they’re here. BF has his son this weekend and I’ve told him I need some alone time as I just can’t cope with another weekend of feeling constantly in demand and going back to work on Monday feeling like I’ve not had a break. AIBU? Don’t know if I am just being miserable and should try and make the most of things…

On the weekends he has his son, he spends it in his own house. Not yours!!

Because it’s much easier for him to hang out at yours while you take care of the parenting. What’s he doing all this time??
Cheeky sod.

YANBU but it's not the boys fault
If he spends the weekends he sees his dad at your house instead of your BFs he will naturally start to see it as his second home.
Helping himself etc wouldn't bother me. My neices and nephews do that.

But your BF is taking advantage

I think you're being unreasonable. You've been with the child's dad for 4 years so I'm not surprised the child treats your home like his own, he's known you since he was 4.
I would understand if you've only been with your boyfriend for a couple of months but it's been years so you might as well be the child's stepmother. I'd want that child to treat my home as his own and not feel uncomfortable.
But still your partner seems to be using you to do the majority of the childcare so your problem should be with him. Maybe ask him to take the child to his house next time so you can have a break. I'm sure the child would like to spend some quality time with just his dad.

Sigh. We are now on page 11 of this thread. OP has not returned since page 1...

Absolutely this! The child only has every other weekend with his father, you would think he'd want to spend it with his child.

This has previously been mentioned... Boyfriend wants @Spaceofmyown to be the default parent every other weekend.

If this isn't a red flag to what @Spaceofmyown is inline for in the future (carrying the majority of the parenting load, cooking, cleaning, organising, parenting) I don't know what is

This.

Are you coming back, OP?

This 100%.
Weekends are precious and our DC grow so quickly. She'll be making weekend plans with her friends very soon. OP you can't get this time back. Your own DC need you.

What does your DP do when you're parenting this child?

Also, why does he see him only every other weekend?

Morning all, apologies for the delay in coming back to update. Thank you all for your thoughts - many of them echo my own, if I’m really honest with myself, and this thread has made me question the relationship generally.

BF did stay away all weekend - he did try the ‘do you need anything from the shops’ / ‘shall I come over and help you with X today’ a couple of times as a bit on an ‘in’, I think - but I deflected and had a really quiet, relaxed weekend.

For clarity - the situation had gradually crept up on me - it started with them popping in for a drink, etc after being out somewhere, then movie nights / games days, etc and has just sort of grown - it has only been the last few months I’ve really felt the strain of it, as it has gradually become more and more time spent at mine.

As far as my children go, they love having BF and his son around. They don’t see their dad, so my teen son enjoys having that male company, and DD always asks for them to come over and spend time with us - that’s why I was feeling conflicted.

I think setting some boundaries about the amount of time is my best step forward. We have no plans to cohabit, and I’m adjusting my mindset around that as it is something I had thought I wanted, but now agree that I need to concentrate on making the most of the time I have left with my own DC whilst they still want to spend time with me!

@Spaceofmyown glad you had a good weekend!

What did he say when you said you wanted the weekend to yourself? Did you explain what you’d said here?

@sodthesodoff
Ah, I see what you are saying. I agree that she has become more of a default parent as far as the father is concerned.

I do not agree about her patience being a testament to her parenting of the child. OP and BF have been together 4 years. She stated that BF has taken to spending majority of time with his son at her home. To me that sounds like that is more of a recent occurrence. You would think after 4 years she would be comfortable with the child in her home however she expresses that she is quite displeased this child is comfortable. Also how could a child not feel comfortable in someone's home after 4 years. To be irritated about that is very sad. Regardless of BFs behaviors, why is this the attitude towards a young child? There is nothing displaying she accepts this child with open arms. How is that patience or parenting? In no way is that commendable behavior.

@anareen On reflection, I agree that my anger was misdirected.
I have worked hard to make BFs son feel comfortable and happy whilst he’s here, but I guess recent behaviours have felt like a step too far - my children wouldn’t go to anyone else’s house and assume they could take over parts of it, however well they knew the person or however comfortable they might feel - to me, it’s bad manners 🤷🏼‍♀️

@anareen honestly there are a lot of things going on here.

Not least the boyfriend sounds a prick

But maybe the op is annoyed as the boy is behaving in a way she wouldn't normally tolerate. Ie their parenting styles don't align.

Or more likely the partner doesn't do any parenting and discipline and setting of rules...

I've got to say I wouldn't impressed if a kid announced what they were doing in my garden or was demanding things. Doesn't matter if it's my kid or someone else's kid. That's behaviour I wouldn't tolerate in my own kids. Why would I accept it from someone else's?

She's not his step mum. She has to rely on his dad to teach his son appropriate behaviour. And he sounds about as effective as a chocolate teapot.

@Spaceofmyown oh and don't gloss over the fact you explicitly said you wanted time this weekend to yourself and what did he do? He tried to push your boundaries. Didn't take no for an answer. I'd be very wary of that behaviour. He thinks he can exert pressure and get his own way... a red flag in itself.

You may not have any lans to cohabit OP but I'd be very interested to know what your boyfriend has been saying to his son

It is actually OK for @Spaceofmyown to be annoyed at the son's presumptuousness. It is not his house. If he's getting the impression that it is, this is coming from the cocklodger bf, who is passing on his cocklodging ways to the son. The OP can welcome the son into her home, and give him an enjoyable experience whilst there, without the assumption being made that he is part of their weekend family set up.

On the other. hand, if OP's son is starting to treat the BF as some sort of step father figure, OP needs to think about what mixed messages she is allowing her own children to receive, both from the bf's behaviour and her own. If the bf's son is effectively having to share his father's attention on contact weekends with OP's children, then it's no wonder he feels like he has some rights or "belonging" in the OP's home.

Put the kids first and stop giving them mixed messages.

But he's over every weekend; it must feel like some sort of home to him. Are you and BF openly sleeping together when the kids are under the same roof? So Daddy is right at home at LW's house with full privileges, but the boy is supposed to be a mere guest and observe boundaries?

Talk about mixed signals to a little boy.

Why have you enmeshed two families in this way, sowing confusion among the kids? You need to disentangle the children; you and your BF can date but not involve the children in your love life. Otherwise they're bound to be confused and then rejected.

Either you live together or you don't.

If you don't then you decide if and when they can come and stay. Having people to stay is tiring if you are doing all the planning, food, tidying, etc. alongside your own children and working.

Sounds like you just need to reset the situation and put some boundaries in place.

Women are so accustomed to putting everyone else first yet the best thing you can do is put yourself first. Everyone else can fit in around you. If they don't like it then frankly it's tough!

Exactly, my kid uses my parents office whenever we go there. To play with friends online, but would never in a million years expect to have that as their own space, even though its not really used by anyone else.

How hard has your BF worked to make your DD feel comfortable when she was at his?

I see. It sounds like this behavior is correlated with the recent shift in dynamic ? If so, it almost seems like since child is spending more time at your home he is feeling more "at home" possibly? Really I think that would be a normal response. You have been around for the past 4 years in whatever routine you and BF have had but now it seems it is becoming more involved? He is showing how he feels "at home" based on what is acceptable at dads/normal (to him) I would think. He isn't aware of the behavior not being acceptable to YOU or the issues you have with his dad. All he knows is he is spending more time at your home. So what is acceptable at dads is acceptable at your home too.

So I am wondering..... are your children not allowed to help themselves to the remote or food in the fridge etc? Would this only be acceptable if the boy lived with you full time? If he lived with you full time would it be acceptable for your children and still not him? If it's one of the last two I really think that is completely unfair of you.

But if he's always at yours on contact weekends he thinks it's his dad's home.

So his father is the one in the wrong

Manners, certainly at 8, are instilled by the parents. It’s down to your bf to manage his sons boundaries in the first instance.

I think the comments that there are very confusing (for the dc involved) boundaries going on are valid and worth holding in mind. Children/teenagers aren’t stupid but they will all also have their own ideas about what they want the situation to look like, many children would fantasise about having a family unit when they get on with all parties involved, but that’s not a good reason to let a relationship drift that way unless you’re both 100% on board and have discussed as much as you need to it be happy with the arrangement.

as it stands now you’re in a position where the dc have relationships with each other as well as both of you. I’d be giving it lots of thought about moving forward and managing everyone’s expectations against what I wanted.

@Nanny0gg

Yes! This is very valid as well!

A child feeling at home at the house in which they spend their contact time with one parent isn't being presumptuous or a 'cocklodger'..

She shouldn't be annoyed at him. She should be annoyed at her boyfriend, and also herself for allowing a situation where this man doesn't bother to parent.

passing on his cocklodging ways to the son

This is a disgusting way to talk about a young child.

A grandparents home is different that a parents home.

The dad doesn't live there but spends all of his contact time there, and presumably acts like it's his home when he's there.