Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 ··· 12 13

Original poster

It’s Not Your House…

317 replies

Spaceofmyown · 23/09/2023 10:22

Have my hard hat on awaiting a blasting for this, but need to vent somewhere.
Been with BF for four years, we don’t live together. He has his DS (8) every other weekend, and has taken to spending the majority of the time he has him at my house. Our DCs mostly get on well, and we do spend some nice times together.
However.
Recently it feels like BFs son is getting too expectant on me to provide toys / entertainment whilst he’s here, to be able to do messy craft projects and have his own space within the house. He helps himself to food / drinks / the TV remote, and recently TOLD me that he would have a patch in the garden to plant flowers on when it’s all been dug over. Alongside all this I am just fed up of ‘hosting’ all the time - BF does help me with odd jobs, etc. but it is down to me to provide and cook food, tidy up after them and generally wait on them all the time they’re here. BF has his son this weekend and I’ve told him I need some alone time as I just can’t cope with another weekend of feeling constantly in demand and going back to work on Monday feeling like I’ve not had a break. AIBU? Don’t know if I am just being miserable and should try and make the most of things…

OP posts:

Takenoprisoner · 23/09/2023 14:34

I would hate to have every weekend taken over like this, yanbu to have boundaries. going forward ask bf have you all over on at least half the weekends, see how he likes it

And most importantly consider the effects of them being over every weekend on your children. no down time to focus on your children.

Itsallsostressful · 23/09/2023 14:36

Honey you got a BF problem not a child problem !

ButterflyOil · 23/09/2023 14:58

stayathomer · 23/09/2023 14:26

If you date someone and you have children and you introduce each other to each other’s lives do you not assume at some stage they’ll all be under one roof?

No not at all. It’s perfectly possible to have a relationship that does not turn into cohabitation where the kids know each other. Being all under one roof is not always the best option in a relationship but that doesn’t mean it can’t be a good and committed one.

Sheisready · 23/09/2023 14:59

I reckon you should suggest doing next Saturday at his house, even if you and your daughter go back to yours to sleep. Let him play host whilst you put your feet up.

Tryingmybestadhd · 23/09/2023 15:00

im assuming this is not someone you do not want term in your life ? You need to find someone else without a child or accept it’s a package . As you clearly don’t seem ready to be a step mum

RobinStrike · 23/09/2023 15:04

I agree with everyone who says he should host his son at his house and you should spend the weekends enjoying your DD before she grows up. But I think you should ask both your DC if they enjoy having DP/BF around, and if they like his son. Everything you do impacts on their home life too and how much time they will want to spend with you as they get older.

followmyflow · 23/09/2023 15:05

erm, excuse me, you have a problem with your BOYFRIEND, not with an innocent 8-year-old. why are you blaming the child? you aren't being unreasonable to want a break from your bf expecting you to host and wait on him constantly, but the bf's son has no control over this?!

uncomfortablydumb53 · 23/09/2023 15:07

Your BF which you don't live with is using using you as free childcare! and isn't exactly subtle about it.
He should be spending time with him at his own house
I'm assuming he doesn't stay with you overnight?
I think you need a chat with this lazy man
It's nice that his DS clearly enjoys being in your home, but that's not the point
YANBU

Maray1967 · 23/09/2023 15:10

HakunaMatiłda · 23/09/2023 10:24

Fully get where you are coming from. It sounds like he is grooming you so that you become the default parent on his weekends.

Yes - that’s exactly what he’s doing. What exactly is your BF doing when his son is at yours? Sounds like he’s offloading the childcare on to you.

AliOlis · 23/09/2023 15:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

It's not his home.

Emotionalsupportviper · 23/09/2023 15:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

They don't live together.

This is presumably because neither of them is ready for the level of commitment the comes with moving in together.

His son iii his responsibility- he is obviously taking advantage of the OP to make his son-dad time as easy for him as he can.

Fair enough - go some places as a "family" occasionally - but OP doesn't have to sacrifice her time and need for space every single time that this child is stopping with his dad. Especially as they both seem to be becoming entitled and demanding.

It's OP's home - not "their" home. She doesn't have to spend ANY time with this child if she doesn't want to.

sodthesodoff · 23/09/2023 15:15

Tryingmybestadhd · 23/09/2023 15:00

im assuming this is not someone you do not want term in your life ? You need to find someone else without a child or accept it’s a package . As you clearly don’t seem ready to be a step mum

How the hell have you come to that conclusion.

Looks more like the dad isn't ready to actual parent his own kid.

Pathetic really

ReadtheReviews · 23/09/2023 15:16

I think that's how you need to frame it op. ' There needs to be more of a balance in a) who hosts b) who pays for and sets up the kids activities c) with how much one to one time he spends with his child vs time as a blended family d)who waits on who.

anareen · 23/09/2023 15:18

@sodthesodoff

How do you assume she is ready to be a step mom? She clearly expresses dislike with how comfortable the child is in her home. Father sounds pathetic but doesn't she as well?

sodthesodoff · 23/09/2023 15:23

anareen · 23/09/2023 15:18

@sodthesodoff

How do you assume she is ready to be a step mom? She clearly expresses dislike with how comfortable the child is in her home. Father sounds pathetic but doesn't she as well?

I'm not saying she's ready to be a step mum at all!

Doesn't sound like that's what the kids dad is thinking though does it. She seems to be default parent. Not step parent. And that's a big difference. Where the fuck is he when he has his woeful four days a month contact? Why is it up to the op?

Especially when she has children of her own to consider who are not made to feel comfortable at his home and have their own home taken over every other weekend.

I think the op has been remarkably patient. And it's a testament to her parenting the boy feels so comfortable there.

She's been more of a parent to him than his own dad.

mayorofcasterbridge · 23/09/2023 15:27

Spaceofmyown · 23/09/2023 10:38

BFs house is smaller which I feel he uses as an excuse not to host. I think we’ve all had a meal there once or twice, but that’s about it - he makes no attempt to accommodate me or my DCs so it is definitely creating a sense of unbalance.
My DCs are 11 and 15 - eldest is mostly out and about with his friends, etc so not that affected, but DD hasn’t enjoyed going to BFs house previously as BFs son doesn’t like sharing his space or things…

That's a tad ironic!!!

I just don't think this is going to work for you. It's so unequal!

Nanny0gg · 23/09/2023 15:30

stayathomer · 23/09/2023 14:26

If you date someone and you have children and you introduce each other to each other’s lives do you not assume at some stage they’ll all be under one roof?

Not every week when you don't actually live together!

skyeisthelimit · 23/09/2023 15:31

What did he say when you told him that you weren't happy with providing food and doing all the cleaning up? If you haven't had that conversation then you need to have it asap. It is no good being a martyr and feeling like this, yet not saying anything about it.

Firstly, tell him he needs to contribute towards food and that he can visit the supermarket on the way over and bring XYZ for the weekend.

Then tell him that if you cook tea, he does the dishes. The kids lay the table.

Tell him that it's not your job to keep his kid busy.

Tell the kid that he is not allowed to help himself to snacks etc - your house your rules.

Nothing changes unless you make it change.

rainbowstardrops · 23/09/2023 15:37

Tell the BF to parent his child. End of.

RichardArmitagesWife · 23/09/2023 15:39

Only see him on the weekends he doesn't have his 8yo. Or dump the CF, which ever works best for you.

The poor wee lad deserves time and attention from his dad, not be palmed off to you as Default Parent every other weekend.

Your own children don't want or need an 8yo coming to their home twice a month. It won't be long before your 11yo is off with her mates all the time, so make the most of the time you have with her.

You aren't a step parent yet your boyfriend is treating you are free childcare.

MikeRafone · 23/09/2023 15:40

You both knew you had children when you got together so there the balance is the same - but from then on your bf is not balancing the hosting of weekends and that isn't fair.

I would suggest that instead of hosting your b/f and his son, you back off from time with his dc so that he gets one to one time with his child - which is important and you two adults see each other at other times. Suggest you all get together once a month for trip to something appropriate for you all - bowling or another activity.

Its easy for many people who are the nrp to rely on other for entertainment and he needs to stand on his own two feet and not be dependent on you.

The fact his son doesn't want to share with your dd at his place is also telling...

AgnesX · 23/09/2023 15:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Subtext....get used to fetching, carrying and doing the donkey work.

What's your bf doing exactly?

NancyJoan · 23/09/2023 15:56

You can easily put a stop to this now, just tell yr boyfriend you and DD have got last min plans for tomorrow so you won’t be able to see him and his DS. Longer term, though, think about what it would be like if you lived together. Then it would be the lad’s home/space/ garden, and by the sounds of it you’d be chief cook and bottle washer for five people.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/09/2023 15:57

Spaceofmyown · 23/09/2023 10:38

Your boyfriend is being a shit father and a shit boyfriend here.

His son's visits are for the benefit of the father-son relationship. It sounds as if he is totally abdicating the parenting to you, while he sits and basks in the brownie points that your labours ("provide and cook food, tidy up after them and generally wait on them all the time they’re here") earns him.

I'm glad you've "told him [you] need some alone time" this weekend. Now you need to tell him that this is the blueprint for all his weekends with his son. He needs to step up as a father, and he needs to step up as a boyfriend too. Or I'd be making him my ex-boyfriend, the cheeky fucker!

Lovemusic82 · 23/09/2023 16:14

Why are people saying “every weekend ”? It’s every other weekend?

OP it sounds like his DS is very comfortable visiting your house every other weekend, it feels more like a family home than his dads house as you and your dc are there as well as his dad. He sounds like a lovely little boy. If you want your relationship to progress you will have to get used to him being around?

On the other hand I don’t see why you have to spend the weekend together every time, your dp needs to take his ds out on his own so you get some alone time, you don’t all need to be together every weekend? It sounds like your DP expects you to run around after everyone whilst he relaxes for the weekend, he needs to do more with his DS.

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 ··· 12 13