To expect parents to collect their child from my house

[Kanoe2]

DD friends use our house as a hang out in the evening after school. They are early teens. They don't have dinner with us but do have snacks and will leave between 6-8pm.

One of the friends has an expectation I will give her lift home every night. Her parents have never picked her up. She will only walk home if my DD escorts her. With the evenings drawing in I don't want my DD walking in the dark alone once she has dropped her home.

I have told this child that she needs to arrange getting home with her parents if she wants to come over. I am told by the child parents will collect her. Then on the evening, it will be an excuse why they can't collect her and I have to drive her home.

I have told DD if this child can not get home then she will no longer be able to come over everyday. This has caused tension between the girls.

AIBU?

drive her home, go to the door and speak to the parents
at 14 ds had a girlfriend always round, then we had messages saying her mum didnt have the petrol to pick her up and could i drop her home
there must be a reason they are not coming

How far away do they live? I find most children expect to be driven these days, even if they live 5 minutes away!
But yes her parents should get her most of the time with you doing the occasional drop off.

I've never understood parents who are willing to shove their kid into the path of a bus to save someone else's from that bus.

Fuck that. Be nice yes, be supportive yes but not to the detriment of your own child. Hey kid, love you and all that but I think I'm going to prioritise other people's kids instead. Yeah I know that'll hurt you but I want to be kind.

To them. Obviously. Not you. You'll be fine.

She told your DD you were being rude 😂😂 She sounds like a right little madam. I wouldn't worry too much about going above and beyond to preserve this friendship, YANBU at all. She arranges a lift first or she doesn't come, perfectly normal stuff.

So what is it you’re suggesting then in practice? Because that’s the status quo and you don’t seem to like the suggestion that OP/her daughter put a stop to it.

I’ve had the same with my daughters friends over the years.. Not so much that the parents won’t collect but that they all think it’s ok to walk home in the dark in the winter. I’m forever taking friends home, even though they’re 16/17 now I still wouldn’t feel comfortable with them leaving ours at 10/11pm at night to walk home from our house. I get lots of “it’s fine, I’ll get the bus” but I’d never forgive myself if something happened to them.

well it is if they literally don’t go home?

She said you were rude?! I wouldn't be having her in the house again until she's learnt some manners. I certainly wouldn't be facilitating her any longer.
Why is it fine for your DD to walk back from hers alone, but she can't walk on her own?

Be firm. When you see her say what time are your parents picking you up

I am not driving you home

Dd is not walking you home as she is then walking home in the dark alone

If you come here you need to make plans how to get home by yourself /parents

How far away does she live ?

Why is it ok that your dd walks home alone in the dark

She sounds a cheeky friend

DD should not take rudeness just in case someone has issues at home, that's madness. Firmly saying "it isn't acceptable to call mum rude for not acting as your servant." And if there isn't an immediate apology "we'll talk morewhen you apologise for being rude.".
If she isn't reasonable after that, then it's her who caused the cut off and not DD. I can't fathom why you think seeing no consequences to using others and abusing them if they don't fall in line is going to help her develop healthy relationships.

With parents like that, it's perfectly possible the friend doesn't know the the accepted etiquette here. Which is that the hosted make their own travel arrangements.

Teach your dd that when friend says she's/you are rude, to say 'actually, no, it's the other way round, it's rude to expect a lift when you're the one being hosted. Standard etiquette here is your parents pick you up.'

It is super important with society as it is currently, to teach girls to be assertive and not constantly people men please.

It's funny how some people immediately assume there is some simple explanation ie parents can't afford fuel or ie are working. All could be possible however when I read that the girl thinks YOU are being rude I thought nah, the parents are cunts and their dd is following in their footsteps. I think it's lovely of you to allow them over, give snacks. NOWAY would I be supplying a taxi service and certainly not putting my dd in harms way walking back on her own. Personally, I'd be happy if my dds friendship with this girl ceased to exist. She puts her safety over your dd/her supposed friend.

If she is a genuine friend, it's a reasonable time and its in the vicinity then I'd just do it. We generally did the picking up from parties and dropping off, taking home from visits etc Not because we are mugs but because we didn't want to be one of those parents who wouldn't put themselves out, we knew who our children were with, got to know their friends , also can control what time they leave or are picked up.

Well op has already said the parents come up with a bunch of excuses why they can’t pick her up themselves after saying they would so I think they are just entitled cheeky fuckers tbh. Either way, if your way of thinking is correct there is obviously a reason why she doesn’t want to contact her own parents to come and pick her up - probably because they won’t do it.

I’d not take the word of this girl, it’s highly feasible her parents only let her go if she’s walked back or given a lift and she’s saying she will be then giving you a bunch of excuses.

id ask for her parents contact details, suspect you will get a different story.

Do you have a phone number for either parent? If not, get one. We have lots of children at our house and sometimes I'm happy to give lifts, other times I'm not. I'll often text and say "Please could you collect X around 8pm?". No one's ever said no!

What happens when your daughter goes to her friend's home? If that never happens, why not?

Rather than using DD to pass messages on, I would speak to the other child; “You’re very welcome to come round, but I’m not able to keep dropping you back home and just as you don’t want to walk home on your own, DD also does not want to walk on her own and I won’t let her. Your parents need to come and pick you up.” I’d also say I will drop you tonight and will speak to your parents to say the same thing so we are all on the same page and know where we stand.

I'm stunned that she called you rude. I think the fact that your DD told you this might indicate that your DD wants out of the relationship. Your DD knows that you won't be impressed by what her friend said but she told you anyway.
I would be discouraging this "friendship" and the nightly meetups at your house. There is a fine line between wanting your child to be popular and allowing her to be taken advantage of.

Its not hard to work out. The girl is desperate to come and have fun but her parents have been clear, they cant/won't come and collect her in the car, so she can't come if she can't guilt your DD into convincing you to let her come.

The parents aren't necessarily being unreasonable, adults don't exist to taxi teens around every single night, its too often. They could be working, have younger siblings they are putting to bed etc. I'd reduce the frequency, and you will probably find her parents don't mind picking up once a fortnight or so but are bloody sick of her expecting it every single night on a school/work night.

But if the excuses are being filtered through the kid, what's to say they are genuine and she's not made them up? I suspect the girl has told her parents OP will just do it.

And don't any of these children have homework or hobbies? Most of the kids i know aren't free to spend hours every day hanging out at friends houses. They've got homework, trumpet lessons, cricket nets, drama club, scouts etc, are expected to help with chores at home.

Yanbu at all.

But...

I used to be the child whose parents were never around to drive anywhere. They did other bits but as an adult, I'm really grateful that my best friends parents never ever made a thing about it, they were really kind to me and even now I sometimes get swallowed with embarrassment about how much they went out of their way for me and never made me feel bad about it, despite how they must have felt about it all.

The child does sound rude though, I would never ever have said that to my friend, but if your daughter really likes this girl and shes normally ok, I'd try and take it on the chin and tell myself I'm doing it to make life easier for my daughter rather than her friend and her parents.

You could take an unconfrontational approach and pop up to your daughters room, offer them all a hot drink and use it as an opportunity to say "it will be getting dark in half an hour so anyone that doesnt have a lift and is walking home alone will need to start thinking about going home in a moment unless they are happy walking home alone in the dark. DAUGHTER, if you're walking X back, it needs to be now."

They are using you as a free after school club. Put a stop to it.