Page 2 | To expect parents to collect their child from my house

Kanoe2 · 2023-09-22T23:34:07+00:00

DD friends use our house as a hang out in the evening after school. They are early teens. They don't have dinner with us but do have snacks and will leave between 6-8pm. One of the friends has an expectation I will give her lift home every night. Her parents have never picked her up. She will only walk home if my DD escorts her. With the evenings drawing in I don't want my DD walking in the dark alone once she has dropped her home. I have told this child that she needs to arrange getting home with her parents if she wants to come over. I am told by the child parents will collect her. Then on the evening, it will be an excuse why they can't collect her and I have to drive her home. I have told DD if this child can not get home then she will no longer be able to come over everyday. This has caused tension between the girls. AIBU?

viques · 23/09/2023 01:29

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/09/2023 01:02

Exactly!

Get the parents' phone number and tell them the taxi service is over. Ffs.

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Or better still tell them you will be sending their child home in a taxi so they need to be prepared to pay for it when she arrives.

Rudolphthefrog · 23/09/2023 01:33

I’m all for being welcoming to my children’s friends, even when that hospitality is rarely reciprocated, but every evening after school is crazy - don’t they have things to do/homework?

Next time she shows up at your house ask her to call her parents so you can speak to them and tell them you aren’t running a youth club, a cafe or a taxi service and if they aren’t willing to collect her at least most of the time then she won’t be able to visit. As for her friend suggesting you’re rude - little madam wouldn’t be welcome in my home carrying on like that.

Mothership4two · 23/09/2023 01:39

So your DD's friend won't walk home alone but expects DD to do just that back again? Doesn't DD recognise that this is unfair OP?

When I was in sixth form ALL the parents of my friends from school would do this kind of thing. One time a friend rang her mum around the agreed time to ask to be picked up and she refused. She told us her mum wanted her to wait down the bottom of the hill. I stood with her for ages until my Dad came down and said "she's not coming is she Betty?". Friend admitted she wasn't and she was planning to walk home. We lived in a very rural area and she would have been walking at least three and a half miles along an unlit country main road with no pavement in the dark (it was also freezing). It still gives me shivers to think what might have happened even though it's nearly 40 years ago.

Lieblingsessen · 23/09/2023 01:39

JANEY205 · 23/09/2023 01:22

Stop the hangouts, stop the snacks!! Do you not find it really annoying having loads of extra people in the house?

This!

The problem here is why is it that they always hang out at your house after school?

Your DD is being taken advantage of, and she is taking advantage of you.

A couple of times a week is okay and they can hang out at one of the other friends houses. But I'm sure that a lot of the other parents are not so keen and obliging as you are.

There are CFs around because there are doormats to oblige them.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 23/09/2023 01:46

I was just happy ds had some friends and they liked coming to our house and I enjoyed their company too 🥹 Always happy to drive them home, even drunken 18/19 year olds ☺️

Are her parents even able to pick her up? Is it really such a chore?

Riverlee · 23/09/2023 02:07

In many ways, you conceding and giving her lifts, is falling into their hands.

Could you call their bluff and say that they have to pick her up and you’re not driving her home(had a glass of wine, waiting for an important phone call, delivery etc…). Then do nothing, even if the girl is at your house until midnight.

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 23/09/2023 02:22

Have you pointed out to your daughter that her friend/friends parents don't want her walking home alone but they're happy for DD to walk alone?

Fixyourself · 23/09/2023 02:42

From another perspective, I had crappy parents as teen who would never pick me up. I was always so grateful of kind other parents who gave lifts.

DreamTheMoors · 23/09/2023 02:47

Kanoe2 · 23/09/2023 01:07

DD told friends today at school that I wouldn't hive her lift home this evening and wouldn't allow her to walk her home. Her friend told her I was being rude. If she walks home alone then she will get in trouble with parents.

”Her friend told her I was being rude.”

Tough shit. She can go straight home after school, then, can’t she.

In fact, that’s a fabulous idea.

Totalwasteofpaper · 23/09/2023 02:51

I would go and knock at the weekend and talk to them. Ideally with Issy present

@UsingChangeofName thanks for the fictional name 😂

I'd also talk to Issy directly and explain that while it is very kind of you to open up your home and provide drinks and snacks what is rude for her and her parents to expect her DD to walk alone and for you to provide lifts.

verdantverdure · 23/09/2023 03:03

Do they have a car?

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 23/09/2023 03:10

I wonder if either of them are home during the day….? Maybe you should swing past and point out the hypocrisy of not allowing their kid to walk alone but expecting yours todo exactly that. Give them these options.

Kid walks home before dark, or 2)they pick her up. I would also let this girl know that you are not her maid or chauffeur and she is to apologize for saying that YOU are rude. Close the snack shop and let her know that she isn’t welcome until she recognizes that you have allowing her in YOUR home. Entitled young woman!!!

caringcarer · 23/09/2023 03:11

UsingChangeofName · 23/09/2023 00:42

When she turned up, I'd be really clear "Sorry Issy, I won't be able to take you home this evening. Can you phone your Mum now and let her know so she can decide to either pick you up before 7, or does she want you to walk back home now, while it is still light?" then stand over her whilst she gets her phone out.
Repeat each time, until she gets the message.
Help your dd to see it makes no sense that her friend can't walk alone, but that her friend is expecting her to walk alone, so she can point that out to her friend if she raises it.

Yes, this every time.

Catsmere · 23/09/2023 03:16

You've got a kid hanging around at your home till 8pm? When on earth do you get to have dinner and have your house to yourself?

WandaWonder · 23/09/2023 03:26

Kanoe2 · 23/09/2023 01:07

DD told friends today at school that I wouldn't hive her lift home this evening and wouldn't allow her to walk her home. Her friend told her I was being rude. If she walks home alone then she will get in trouble with parents.

It's not your problem

123sunshine · 23/09/2023 04:09

My son had a girlfriend last year that turned up and expected lifts home a lot. It’s a 20 min round trip. I made it very clear I wasn’t impressed. I don’t mind once in a while, bu the general rule in my house is that if my kids go to other peoples houses I pick them up and when their friends come here their parents pick them up. I do enough taxi driving for my own kids I’m not prepared to do it for their friends. You have to set your boundaries and be clear and firm. Many parents and kids are piss takers.

FallGall · 23/09/2023 04:35

I would not involve the parents, your daughter needs to learn how to stand up to CFs and to understand what a real friend is.

I would tell your daughter that next time her friend asks to come round she asks her how she is getting home as her mum won't do it. No apologies. If the CF kid says that's rude, your daughter just says well it's rude of you to ask my mum. If the CF kid says that your daughter had to walk her home, then your daughter then asks who will be walking her home then??

Practice these scenarios with your daughter. She (and you) need to stand up for yourselves and not be doormats. You only need to reward the mumsnet threads to see how it turns out in adulthood, being taken advantage of for the rest of her life.

If a CF kid did this to me, I would just tell them I'm not taking them home and get them to phone/text their parents. And would definitely NOT let my daughter walk her home then have to walk home herself. That's complete madness.

I would suggest that this "friend" has a lot of other bad points too, best your daughter learns how to spot and deal with these kind of people now!

Please don't let your daughter grow up to be a "be kind" walk over.

Loopytiles · 23/09/2023 04:40

12 isn’t even a teen! I wouldn’t be hosting ad hoc until 8pm so frequently.

Throwncrumbs · 23/09/2023 04:49

Kanoe2 · 23/09/2023 01:07

DD told friends today at school that I wouldn't hive her lift home this evening and wouldn't allow her to walk her home. Her friend told her I was being rude. If she walks home alone then she will get in trouble with parents.

Your daughter needs to tell her friend that it’s her and her parents that are being rude!

echt · 23/09/2023 04:50

2/13 is young, and I didn't have DD's friends of this age round without knowing home phone numbers and addresses. It doesn't have to be an inquisition, just taking care of the children in your home.

fortheloveofjamdoughnuts · 23/09/2023 04:59

KnowledgeableMomma · 23/09/2023 00:56

I'm confused...have you talked to/know the parents? My DD doesn't have any friends that I don't know the parents of. It seems a pretty easy fix to call or visit the parents and say, "We love it when -- comes over but if - wants it to continue, you'll need to drive her here and pick her up as I won't", but I might be missing something?

That's not normal. My mother didn't know a single parent of my secondary school friends. And my friends parents didn't know each other either.

It sounds like you're overly involved with your childs life....

fortheloveofjamdoughnuts · 23/09/2023 05:04

Kanoe2 · 23/09/2023 01:07

DD told friends today at school that I wouldn't hive her lift home this evening and wouldn't allow her to walk her home. Her friend told her I was being rude. If she walks home alone then she will get in trouble with parents.

Gosh she is a CF young isn't she!!

If she gets in trouble with her parents, of course that's her problem.

Unfortunately I can see your dilemma as you don't want your DD to lose a friend over this, but ultimately you aren't running a taxi service

MariaVT65 · 23/09/2023 05:21

I had potential sympathy with this girl in case she might have a really difficult situation at home, and that’s why she’s at your house every evening. But as soon as she said you’re being rude, I lost that sympathy and I’d now be hesitant to invite her round at all.

GRex · 23/09/2023 05:36

FallGall · 23/09/2023 04:35

I would not involve the parents, your daughter needs to learn how to stand up to CFs and to understand what a real friend is.

I would tell your daughter that next time her friend asks to come round she asks her how she is getting home as her mum won't do it. No apologies. If the CF kid says that's rude, your daughter just says well it's rude of you to ask my mum. If the CF kid says that your daughter had to walk her home, then your daughter then asks who will be walking her home then??

Practice these scenarios with your daughter. She (and you) need to stand up for yourselves and not be doormats. You only need to reward the mumsnet threads to see how it turns out in adulthood, being taken advantage of for the rest of her life.

If a CF kid did this to me, I would just tell them I'm not taking them home and get them to phone/text their parents. And would definitely NOT let my daughter walk her home then have to walk home herself. That's complete madness.

I would suggest that this "friend" has a lot of other bad points too, best your daughter learns how to spot and deal with these kind of people now!

Please don't let your daughter grow up to be a "be kind" walk over.

This is all good advice. Teach your DD that if someone is rude, and calling you rude for not giving lifts is rude, then rescind the invite. If the girl decides she wants to come in future then she can apologise to DD first.

BeethovenNinth · 23/09/2023 05:46

You are definitely not unreasonable but there might be shit going on at home and the girl might not have a lift unavailable. You are lovely - these parents sound much less so.