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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect parents to collect their child from my house

349 replies

Kanoe2 · 23/09/2023 00:34

DD friends use our house as a hang out in the evening after school. They are early teens. They don't have dinner with us but do have snacks and will leave between 6-8pm.

One of the friends has an expectation I will give her lift home every night. Her parents have never picked her up. She will only walk home if my DD escorts her. With the evenings drawing in I don't want my DD walking in the dark alone once she has dropped her home.

I have told this child that she needs to arrange getting home with her parents if she wants to come over. I am told by the child parents will collect her. Then on the evening, it will be an excuse why they can't collect her and I have to drive her home.

I have told DD if this child can not get home then she will no longer be able to come over everyday. This has caused tension between the girls.

AIBU?

OP posts:
letmesailletmesail · 23/09/2023 05:55

Is there some sort of power dynamic between the girls here which means that this girl thinks she can get away with being such a CF and your DD thinks it's OK to let her be?
My DD is a similar age. Her friends don't come over that often but, when they do, one is scared of the dark and her parents don't have any sympathy for that so refuse to collect her. DD's friend either leaves before dark (tricky in winter!), DD will walk her part of the way as she's not scared of the dark, I will drop her off if it ties in with me going out later or she simply doesn't come over.

Mumof2teens79 · 23/09/2023 05:59

I would be wondering if there is a problem at home that she is hiding tbh.
I would drop her home next time but insist on going to the door with her and speaking to whoever is home.
It may be she is home alone in the evening worried about going home to an empty house....which isn't your problem and YANBU but I would be sympathetic.

Daffyyellow · 23/09/2023 06:06

She’s got you over a barrel. You need to face this head on when she arrives, “Hi X, lovely to see you, before it gets late can I check how you are getting home, are your parents collecting you or are you walking alone? Do your parents know what’s happening too? We won’t be leaving the house.”
Not easy and won’t be until you adjust the boundaries.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/09/2023 06:13

My dd had a friend like this when she was younger, they stopped being friends at the start of year 8. The mum would tell her 7 yo daughter to go to bed at 7pm (she didn’t put her to bed) and wouldn’t bother to collect her eldest before this. She wasn’t the greatest of parents and we just used to drop the girl off. Infuriating, yes, however we knew she was safe… on our watch at least.

Catopia · 23/09/2023 06:20

Are the parents in when you do drop her home, or is she going home to an empty house? She may be hanging out at yours for company because there isn't anyone at home until later in the evening. Or there may be issues at home that she is avoiding/doesn't want to ask for a lift from them (which could be for a number of reasons).

I would drop her one more time and knock on the door and see if they are there to speak to about the situation. YANBU, but just as you don't want daughter walking back after walking her home in the dark, probably not ideal if she ends up walking home in the dark on her own either as as much as you dislike the situation at the moment, you will evitably feel awful if something happens to her walking home (even if her parents don't care or are oblivious).

Emeraldrings · 23/09/2023 06:21

We had this with DD1. Her best friends parents just assumed me or DH would drive her home or my DD would walk her home.
Even when they were supposed to pick up something would always happen meaning I had to do it.
I finally put a stop to it. I told her friend I couldn't drive as I'd hurt my back and wasn't prepared to let DD walk home alone.
Her mum came to pick up and told me I was inconsiderate because she had other children to look after. I reminded her that I was always giving lifts and was no longer able to do so. They tried it on a few more times but got the same answer.
I did feel sorry for this girl as I know her mum wasn't very nice to her. The friend moved away to live with her dad when she was 15 .

PinkNailpolish · 23/09/2023 06:22

The girl doesn't sound like a good friend if there's 'tension' now your dd says she doesn't want to walk her home everyday. Imagine the fall out if dd stops letting her friend walk over her and says no to her coming to her house everyday.

I think you should say no to friends coming over everyday. Maybe only once a week. And they need to leave an hour before your family have dinner. That girl is skipping a meal everyday. She's also taking advantage of your dd.

Justleaveitblankthen · 23/09/2023 06:23

Kanoe2 · 23/09/2023 01:07

DD told friends today at school that I wouldn't hive her lift home this evening and wouldn't allow her to walk her home. Her friend told her I was being rude. If she walks home alone then she will get in trouble with parents.

That would insence me.
What a pair of CF's these parents are and I wouldn't want to act as a free Taxi service to this girl anymore.
They're the rude ones 😡

itsgettingweird · 23/09/2023 06:27

Yanbu.

They make excuses because you always step up and step in.

Just say "I can't give you a lift tonight and DD won't be walking you because you don't want to walk alone as she then has to walk home alone afterwards".

Then don't give a lift. Have a 🍷 if needs be to stop you!

Glittertwins · 23/09/2023 06:30

DD is often at a friend's the other side of town / vice versa but they always know how they are getting home first and made appropriate arrangements.
We'll often collect her as we don't want her walking back at dusk nor do we want the friend to be walking back solo after walking with her.
It's my responsibility to make sure my child gets home safely, nobody else's!

Zonder · 23/09/2023 06:38

Go out. I'd pop out in the car before the time the girl goes home and tell DD she needs to stay home.

MiddleParking · 23/09/2023 06:39

I’d be discouraging the friendship altogether, not actively encouraging it with frequent hosting. The girl sounds very unpleasant.

PostOpOp · 23/09/2023 06:41

The DF claiming you're being rude is either CF behaviour, or she's covering for some difficult hone situation by attack.

If you're fine having this kid at home, just don't want to drive, then drop her off and go to the door with her. I think it would be worth seeing who answers the door.

You sound nice and I think you're totally reasonable not wanting to drive her or for your DD to walk home alone. That makes me think you might want to know that she's just trying it on, rather than covering up for something else going on.

MaverickSnoopy · 23/09/2023 06:41

When I was that age my best friend lived a 20 minute drive away and my parents often used to drop her home and vice versa but it was organised in advance (mostly). She was however someone who buried her head in the sand and avoided what she perceived as confrontation, even if it wasn't. Your dd's friend may not be asking her parents, but saying that she is, because of many reasons. I don't think that makes her a cf, it means she hasn't learnt the skills she needs to deal with these sorts of situations. Or she's being a cf but I'd put money on her worrying about asking her parents, for whatever reason. I would actually ask the girl for her parents number and phone them and make a plan for next time.

MrsMara · 23/09/2023 06:46

YANBU and I agree with most that has been said here. However, yabu by letting this happen after school in the first place.

Maybe I am a Debbie Downer but afaiac this time should be for after school activities and homework. At this age you should be fostering an environment for study not snacks and hangouts. It all just sounds really odd to me that this has been allowed to materialise.

Agree with a pp about using this as an opportunity to teach your dd about boundaries and the type of 'friends' we sometimes encounter who are just takers and users. It doesn't matter if they are only 12/13, this sort of behaviour and dynamic can start earlier than this.

margotrose · 23/09/2023 06:51

I would be tempted to break the cycle.

Make "plans" for a family dinner out at say, 7pm. Everyone has to be out of the house and in the car, but you don't have room for Issy/you're going the wrong way so she'll need to make her own way home tonight.

MiddleParking · 23/09/2023 06:57

margotrose · 23/09/2023 06:51

I would be tempted to break the cycle.

Make "plans" for a family dinner out at say, 7pm. Everyone has to be out of the house and in the car, but you don't have room for Issy/you're going the wrong way so she'll need to make her own way home tonight.

Bit of a sledgehammer to not actually crack any nuts, isn’t it? Pay for a restaurant meal for the whole family and construct an elaborate lie for the sole purpose of avoiding a cheeky 12 year old for one evening?

Inkpotlover · 23/09/2023 06:57

You are absolutely right to insist the parents collect her and that your DD won't be walking her home in the dark. If she turns up at your door again with a vague 'yes, my parents are getting me' ask her for their number and message them to confirm. If she refuses to give you their number, tell her she'll need to leave before it gets dark to walk on her own – right then, if necessary. I suspect she's telling her parents you'll do it because she knows they won't bother and she won't be able to come round.

The other alternative is to take her home one more time, then speak to the parents on the doorstep and tell them to their faces that you can't give lifts anymore and in future they'll have to collect her. Then there's no ambiguity about where you stand!

Either way, reinforce to your DD that you're not being rude in wanting the girls' parents to collect her and that she mustn't invite the girl if that doesn't start happening. Yes, it's awkward for your DD, but it's also a good lesson in how to put boundaries in place with CFs!

bestbefore · 23/09/2023 06:59

Or maybe this is the only thing that child is able to do because you give her a lift (don't agree about your dd walking her home). Please let them hang out still at your house, it's hard for kids to do stuff these days, you know where they are. & they're safe. The parents might be strict (or lax) or anything could be going on, and whilst of course it's not you're responsibility and def cf to expect it, I think iLife is often complex. This seems like one of those thing! Before you know it they'll be off out out & getting more independence.

Inkpotlover · 23/09/2023 06:59

MrsMara · 23/09/2023 06:46

YANBU and I agree with most that has been said here. However, yabu by letting this happen after school in the first place.

Maybe I am a Debbie Downer but afaiac this time should be for after school activities and homework. At this age you should be fostering an environment for study not snacks and hangouts. It all just sounds really odd to me that this has been allowed to materialise.

Agree with a pp about using this as an opportunity to teach your dd about boundaries and the type of 'friends' we sometimes encounter who are just takers and users. It doesn't matter if they are only 12/13, this sort of behaviour and dynamic can start earlier than this.

Your DC isn't allowed to have friends over even once in the week, it has to be homework and activities every night? That's harsh! If my DC has a mate home they often do their homework together to get it out of the way.

Inkpotlover · 23/09/2023 07:04

bestbefore · 23/09/2023 06:59

Or maybe this is the only thing that child is able to do because you give her a lift (don't agree about your dd walking her home). Please let them hang out still at your house, it's hard for kids to do stuff these days, you know where they are. & they're safe. The parents might be strict (or lax) or anything could be going on, and whilst of course it's not you're responsibility and def cf to expect it, I think iLife is often complex. This seems like one of those thing! Before you know it they'll be off out out & getting more independence.

You think OP should take the girl home every time to accommodate her lazy/strict parents? God no. It's not OP or any other parents' job to parent this child, it's theirs. Yes, life is complex and sometimes it sucks that you can't always do everything you want to but this girl is not OP's responsibility.

Wildhorses2244 · 23/09/2023 07:06

I suspect that there is more going on here than you know.

I would be very wary of setting strong boundaries until you’ve had an investigate to see what is going on.

Its unusual for a child of that age to be allowed to a friends house every single day after school. It’s unusual for the parents to never pick up. It’s unusual that she doesn’t seem to have a time to be back for dinner. It’s unusual that her parents are unhappy for her to walk but unconcerned about your dd doing it.

I suspect that the anger with your dd is deflection because she doesn’t have the skills to discuss this properly.

Off the top of my head: maybe her parents don’t drive and she’s embarrassed, maybe there is never anyone home, maybe they drink every day, maybe she has a single parent with a younger sibling and is embarrassed to talk about it, maybe her parents are abusive.

I think pp suggestion of either asking her for the number or driving her home and going to the door is a good idea - it’ll at least give you a starting point. I would also try saying to her “dd said that you got in trouble the other day for walking home” and wait to see what she says - try and explore a bit what her parents are expecting.

hattie43 · 23/09/2023 07:12

JANEY205 · 23/09/2023 01:22

Stop the hangouts, stop the snacks!! Do you not find it really annoying having loads of extra people in the house?

This
Once a week is fine but every evening until 6/8pm no way .

margotrose · 23/09/2023 07:16

Bit of a sledgehammer to not actually crack any nuts, isn’t it? Pay for a restaurant meal for the whole family and construct an elaborate lie for the sole purpose of avoiding a cheeky 12 year old for one evening?

I mean, I thought it was fairly obvious that the meal was just an example/idea - clearly not 🙈

My point was, Issy hangs out there because everyone is home to facilitate it, so you need to break the cycle of being available. Have plans to go out one night - even if it's just McDonald's or a walk or to go and see Great Aunt Mildred.

Issy needs to stop assuming she can hang out there and scrounge lifts.

CaptainMyCaptain · 23/09/2023 07:16

JANEY205 · 23/09/2023 01:22

Stop the hangouts, stop the snacks!! Do you not find it really annoying having loads of extra people in the house?

The OP might prefer it as she always knows where her own child is.