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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect parents to collect their child from my house

349 replies

Kanoe2 · 23/09/2023 00:34

DD friends use our house as a hang out in the evening after school. They are early teens. They don't have dinner with us but do have snacks and will leave between 6-8pm.

One of the friends has an expectation I will give her lift home every night. Her parents have never picked her up. She will only walk home if my DD escorts her. With the evenings drawing in I don't want my DD walking in the dark alone once she has dropped her home.

I have told this child that she needs to arrange getting home with her parents if she wants to come over. I am told by the child parents will collect her. Then on the evening, it will be an excuse why they can't collect her and I have to drive her home.

I have told DD if this child can not get home then she will no longer be able to come over everyday. This has caused tension between the girls.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ChChChCherryBomb · 23/09/2023 09:17

Is your house the closest on their walk home from school and that’s why they all hang out at yours?

It’s lovely that they want to hang out together and they obviously feel comfortable at yours, but that would absolutely do my head in! Occasionally yes but every night, not a chance!

When do you sit down to have your tea if they’re still there between 6-8pm and is it your DD inviting them in or are they inviting themselves (especially the CF who called you rude)?

Clocks go back soon and it’ll start going dark really early so you need to be firm from now on and tell them they can’t stay after dark unless they have a lift, if that lift doesn’t materialise and you have to run her home, then Issy will have to go home straight after school from here on in! Is it only this one friend who is the CF?

RosesAndHellebores · 23/09/2023 09:18

When do they do their homework? Sports/music practice/rehearsals, etc. Why are they hanging out at your house from 6-8 at all and why is your dd available?

nevynevster · 23/09/2023 09:21

Kanoe2 · 23/09/2023 01:07

DD told friends today at school that I wouldn't hive her lift home this evening and wouldn't allow her to walk her home. Her friend told her I was being rude. If she walks home alone then she will get in trouble with parents.

Well then just tell your DD to agree that you the mum are the "bad guy" but there's nothing she can do as you mum are being "unreasonable". That way you are bad cop, DD doesn't have to lose a friend over it. She can just say "yeah parents are the worse eh" and that's the end of it!
You presumably don't care if this friend likes you or not. I wouldn't !

littlebopeepp234 · 23/09/2023 09:26

Inkpotlover · 23/09/2023 09:11

But if the excuses are being filtered through the kid, what's to say they are genuine and she's not made them up? I suspect the girl has told her parents OP will just do it.

Show quote history

Even if that was the case, as a parent, I would not have the expectation that another parent would continuously drop my child off day in day out whether or not my child told me the op will just do it! It is their child and their responsibility!

Datafan55 · 23/09/2023 09:27

Mumof2teens79 · 23/09/2023 08:21

And how is she supposed to learn not to be bitchy if that's how her parents are and other people cut her off?

Show quote history

Agree @Mumof2teens79 .

Phineyj · 23/09/2023 09:28

Drop her off one more time. Wait and see who comes to the door. If it's a parent, explain politely that "Issy" can only come round after school a) if you have their number and b) if they pick her up promptly by (convenient time). If they are rude or don't engage, stop the visits.

The girls see each other all day at school and can dawdle in the park or the shop if they want to "hang out" after school.

If no-one comes to the door, contact the Head of Year at school and say you have safeguarding concerns about "Issy". It will be dealt with in confidence and yours may not be the only house she's going to.

Ask any teacher. Not wanting to go home is a red flag to look out for (even if it simply turns out yours is nicer...I did feel like that about my best friend's house at that age but there was no question of anyone driving us home! And our parents did know each other.)

littlebopeepp234 · 23/09/2023 09:31

BrawnWild · 23/09/2023 09:11

Yanbu at all.

But...

I used to be the child whose parents were never around to drive anywhere. They did other bits but as an adult, I'm really grateful that my best friends parents never ever made a thing about it, they were really kind to me and even now I sometimes get swallowed with embarrassment about how much they went out of their way for me and never made me feel bad about it, despite how they must have felt about it all.

The child does sound rude though, I would never ever have said that to my friend, but if your daughter really likes this girl and shes normally ok, I'd try and take it on the chin and tell myself I'm doing it to make life easier for my daughter rather than her friend and her parents.

I’m sure you were very grateful and they sound like really kind people. However not every parent is going to taxi someone else’s child around. I for one certainly wouldn’t either because I am not able to due to work or having more than one child etc or simply because I don’t want the responsibility of being taxi for someone else’s child. I don’t mind doing the odd drop off or pick up but I wouldn’t be doing it every single time.

MrsJBaptiste · 23/09/2023 09:36

TheLightProgramme · 23/09/2023 09:11

And don't any of these children have homework or hobbies? Most of the kids i know aren't free to spend hours every day hanging out at friends houses. They've got homework, trumpet lessons, cricket nets, drama club, scouts etc, are expected to help with chores at home.

Not all teens are into sports/music/scouts - maybe in Primary and Yr 7 (possibly Yr 8?) but these things really drop off at High School as teens prefer to just hang out.

As for homework, my two barely got any at that age. I didn't understand it as when I was at school, I had 2+ hours a night. However they both got great GSCE results so this new way of learning didn't do them any harm!

JSMill · 23/09/2023 09:41

Phineyj · 23/09/2023 09:28

Drop her off one more time. Wait and see who comes to the door. If it's a parent, explain politely that "Issy" can only come round after school a) if you have their number and b) if they pick her up promptly by (convenient time). If they are rude or don't engage, stop the visits.

The girls see each other all day at school and can dawdle in the park or the shop if they want to "hang out" after school.

If no-one comes to the door, contact the Head of Year at school and say you have safeguarding concerns about "Issy". It will be dealt with in confidence and yours may not be the only house she's going to.

Ask any teacher. Not wanting to go home is a red flag to look out for (even if it simply turns out yours is nicer...I did feel like that about my best friend's house at that age but there was no question of anyone driving us home! And our parents did know each other.)

This is the best approach.

Deathbyfluffy · 23/09/2023 09:46

verdantverdure · 23/09/2023 03:03

Do they have a car?

‘Then on the evening, it will be an excuse why they can't collect her and I have to drive her home.’

Unless they had a private helicopter, I’m guessing yes. 😆

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 23/09/2023 09:46

She can’t come, end off. You’re not a taxi service. Kid can go home. Not sure why all the teens are at your house?

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 23/09/2023 09:49

Send her home at 3:30pm

Moveoverdarlin · 23/09/2023 09:59

I would say ‘As it’s getting dark, she can come round on a Wednesday and I’ll drop her back, but that’s it, once a week, if she wants to come more frequently her parents need to do pick-ups and neither of you are walking. Take it or leave it.’

Regardless of lifts, every night is too much. You need to relax, the girls need to do homework, chill out etc.

LadyEloise1 · 23/09/2023 10:09

JANEY205 · 23/09/2023 01:18

Cheeky twat parents! I’m sorry she was mean to your daughter but this is a great chance to talk to your daughter about boundaries and her friend being cheeky and expecting more from the friendship than she gives. Tough luck if she can’t walk home alone, your DD shouldn’t be either! Just stop coming over is the easy solution isn’t it! I often went to my friends houses and my parents ALWAYS collected me.

I fully agree.

This cheeky madam friend told your daughter you were rude for deciding not to bring her home if she comes over to your house where you provide hospitality.
She wouldn't be coming to my house ever again !!!!

What an obnoxious little madam.
You should sit your daughter down and explain it very clearly to her that that girl is a user and not a friend.
As for the friend's parents- they're having a laugh and sadly you're the joke. Sad

Pushmepullu · 23/09/2023 10:16

So, you have set yourself up as a child minding service, until 8 pm (what time do you eat!?) and one of the parents is taking advantage. They have in turn taught their daughter that emotional blackmail works, and she has used it on your daughter. Why is this hanging out not shared by other parents? Oh, I know, it’s because they see you as a mug and you are not teaching your daughter to stand up for herself. I get it’s great for you daughter to appear to be popular because everyone wants to come to yours, but this is likely to start backfiring, on both of you.

Hummingbird89 · 23/09/2023 10:21

UsingChangeofName · 23/09/2023 00:42

When she turned up, I'd be really clear "Sorry Issy, I won't be able to take you home this evening. Can you phone your Mum now and let her know so she can decide to either pick you up before 7, or does she want you to walk back home now, while it is still light?" then stand over her whilst she gets her phone out.
Repeat each time, until she gets the message.
Help your dd to see it makes no sense that her friend can't walk alone, but that her friend is expecting her to walk alone, so she can point that out to her friend if she raises it.

This is an excellent suggestion.
Alternatively, drop her home next time, walk her to the door and speak to the parents directly.
”Hi, I’m fine with issy hanging out at our house, but won’t be able to drop her home. Would you prefer to collect her or are you happy for her to walk in her own? I know the nights are drawing in and it’s getting darker so I wanted to check that you were comfortable with it”

Batalax · 23/09/2023 10:21

Agree that dd should just blame you as the bad cop. Saves the pressure on her.

PuppyMonkey · 23/09/2023 10:28

Are we sure the parents are the ones demanding all these escorts and lifts home and CF accommodations? - OP has never even spoken to them.

I’d permanently close the doors to your ad hoc youth club tbh. Tell the kids they can start meeting at CF girl house from now on.

Allaboard209 · 23/09/2023 10:36

Perhaps they don't have a car. But, If it is close enough for apparently your young daughter to walk it, then it should be that one of the friends parents walk to your house, then pick up their daughter and walk her home. That is awful that they apparently don't care about their daughter enough to pick her up and are happy for your daughter to walk back home in the dark. I wouldn't be letting my child go anywhere.

Parker231 · 23/09/2023 10:44

Where do they find the time for hanging out on school nights? DT’s had mandatory after school homework class, sports and music lessons and practice through to leaving school after their A levels. Friday and Saturday evenings were when they met up with friends

dearanon · 23/09/2023 10:51

Kanoe2 · 23/09/2023 01:07

DD told friends today at school that I wouldn't hive her lift home this evening and wouldn't allow her to walk her home. Her friend told her I was being rude. If she walks home alone then she will get in trouble with parents.

Then her parents need to organise her transport home.

I wouldn't have her back, being called rude because you don't want to give her a lift home. She's very rude.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/09/2023 10:52

I'd assure DD that this "friend" is very welcome to come to yours after this is sorted out, and ask the girl to get her parents to call you to discuss

It almost certainly won't happen, and that's your problem solved

user1492757084 · 23/09/2023 10:55

You are reasonable enough and very generous with your home.
Make it about the parents. You speak directly with the parents and stipulate that they need to collect their child or their child will not be able to hang out at your place.

Walkaround · 23/09/2023 11:17

Are the parents never in when you drop this girl off? I don’t understand why you have not tried to talk to them already.

Blueink · 23/09/2023 11:20

Hi OP, I voted YANBU, 99% of us.

But I don’t understand why this situation has happened more than once.

I would have got the phone number of the parent and called them long before now. More so in your case, being younger tween/teens.

How can you not know where they live or met the parents if you are dropping them home regularly?

Why couldn’t you ask for their address or parents number or have your DC do so? Presumably your DC knows where they live?

I wouldn’t be having the friend until I’d had a conversation with their parent and agreed a way forward.

That might account for the 1% for those asking.