To expect parents to collect their child from my house

[Kanoe2]

DD friends use our house as a hang out in the evening after school. They are early teens. They don't have dinner with us but do have snacks and will leave between 6-8pm.

One of the friends has an expectation I will give her lift home every night. Her parents have never picked her up. She will only walk home if my DD escorts her. With the evenings drawing in I don't want my DD walking in the dark alone once she has dropped her home.

I have told this child that she needs to arrange getting home with her parents if she wants to come over. I am told by the child parents will collect her. Then on the evening, it will be an excuse why they can't collect her and I have to drive her home.

I have told DD if this child can not get home then she will no longer be able to come over everyday. This has caused tension between the girls.

AIBU?

This 💯
You are very kind @Kanoe2 ⭐️

Imagine having stupid parents like them. 🥲

Why aren’t the meet ups at the other girls house ? Prob solved then you only have to worry about your own child - you seem annoyed with the regular hanging out at yours so again resolves that and you’ll get to meet the parents

Well handled, OP.

They're basically lazy and very much up their own arses. I'm not surprised their child prefers your home over her own.

I'd be happy to see the friendship between your DD and this girl cool tbh.

Parents like that are not going to be there for your child or for you if you ever have an hour of need, but they're happy that their child is using your wifi and eating food you've bought several times a week.

Poor girl.

It's not your problem to fix, but I feel for her having such crappy parents.

Thanks for updating us Kanoe2.

It must have been uncomfortable for you having that conversation, but now you know you've done your best to help her parents understand why you won't let her leave your house in the dark to walk home alone.
There isn't really much else you can do, except perhaps, as you say, let her come occasionally when you don't mind dropping her back.

Yes, it is a shame for the girl, but the way her parents choose to parent can't be your responsibility.

i am glad you approached the parents, poor kid

I’m thinking the parents will probably change their tune and suddenly agree to collect her when they realise their peace from her being at yours is suddenly disturbed! When she starts going straight home after school these kind of parents struggle

Honestly? It sounds as though that conversation went as well as it could have. I expect that you won’t see as much of this girl from now on - the parents will put a stop to it (partly through embarrassment).

so is the poor child still going to be labelled a CF by you OP?

The other girl's parents are refusing to lift a finger to facilitate a healthy social life for her. They have allowed a complete stranger to offer food and shelter to her and take responsibility for her safety on several occasions. They have pretty much forced the poor kid to lie and manipulate just so that she can spend time with her mates safely. They absolutely should be embarrassed and that is in no way OP's problem.

Why would they be embarrassed?, to be perfectly honest the op could have stopped this ages ago

I know the op was trying to do a nice thing but I would not blame the child's parents

Well done OP, that seems like a challenging conversation.

The parents seem neglectful, which is what many on here suspected. What’s worse is she is only 12/13.

I feel very sad for the girl that that don’t seem to care about her and she can basically do what she likes, with no knowledge of where she is, how she’s getting home, what about dinner, her preparation for school?

More luck than judgement regarding her DB, regardless of the area he was brought up in, though of course we only have their opinion, we don’t know his experience.

There’s ‘wrapping in cotton wool’ and there’s parenting. I don’t know why they had these children, they have no interest in parenting them or keeping them safe.

I do think the teenage years are very important and they need guidance and support to navigate these years into adulthood. If this is the level of interest and involvement at 12/13 what’s it going to be like in a couple of years?

Agree you are taking the right approach to knock the visits on the head for a bit and give them a chance to step up.

Perhaps better if she comes over during the day at the weekend?

Do please come back and update us… but it seems you care more about her than they do and it wouldn’t surprise me if they continue their neglectful parenting, FFS.

I agree with you, I hate the way CF is bandied about at the first opportunity, when we don’t know the full story. Worse when it’s a child. It’s not a good look for Mumsnet. There is a time it‘a appropriate and funny, but this wasn’t one of them.

I hate the ‘tit for tat’ school ground mentality. If I want to do something because you asked or I offered, I am not doing anything it to get something back later. Doing that would be manipulative and underhand.

Similarly if you want to do something for me just because you want to ask something back, please don’t, it’s manipulative underhand fuckery, or MUF.

(Different to agreeing an ongoing arrangement to divide up school runs or something like that in an upfront and open way, no MUF).

This is a young girl who is not being cared about, the level of disinterest by her parents is astounding, but also arrogant.

It’s important to set boundaries and don’t agree OP should hosting and running the girl home every night, or any night unless she wants to, but she is making a contribution in this girl’s life which is looking out for a vulnerable child. So what if the parents will never look out for her child?!

Rude?
If she walks home alone then she will get in trouble with parents.

FFS woman stop being such a doormat and stand up to such an entitled user.

Just stop. For a few weeks. Have no one over. Then see what happens. We all know what will.

Ds1's friends practically never came to our house, I'd have had them more. But every day? No.

@Oblomov23

No, if you read the OP's last post, after she spoke with the girls parents it transpired that she'd lied about being in trouble with her parents if she walked home by herself.

Her parents don't mind her walking home alone at all. The issue has been resolved - if you read the OPs update

I would back up exactly what you said to the parents in writing.

Poor girl to have such irresponsible CF parents.

Sadly she isn’t unique.

The parents simply haven't grasped what worked for the elder child in a different location will work for a young girl in a busier town. They sound a little irresponsible and should be ensuring she gets home and realistically should be coming home to get homework done.

Wow. I kind of feel a bit sorry for the kid.

I can't imagine being left to essentially fend for myself in a new area at age 12. That is really still very young.

If you are speaking with her parents again, you might want to latch on to the difference in the areas/neighbourhoods where their now 17 yr old grew up and where their 12 year old is now growing up.

It seems a shame that they won't collect or even meet their daughter half way on her journey home.

If you don't see an improvement in the situation, I'd have to say to your daughter that she can't have Izzy back to the house for the time being.

I do feel sorry for her that her parents are doing the same as they did with their son & it's not suitable for her.

I'd be annoyed that she lied about getting lifts & called me rude though.

Presumably your daughter has invited her & wants her there?

I think being expected to do something day in day out without being asked is automatically a problem. It means you have to structure your life around a chore you didn't ask for.

My first thought is that the parents are not there for her, and she's making stuff up. She may not even be contacting her parents, knowing they won't help. I've seen this with other kids, I feel sorry for them.

Exactly this! I said as much earlier but everyone is jumping to the worst conclusions

How are things @Kanoe2 ?