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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think having a marriage and kids and a FT job is just too hard

152 replies

JimRoyle · 22/09/2023 22:29

I’m at breaking point. Argued with DH all evening over something pathetic. Just feel at all times like I’m exhausted, he’s exhausted, working 50hr weeks, never have time for each other. Snap at each other, life is just monotonous jobs, housework, being shattered. Feel like a worthless person who just exists to work and be a mother. I don’t bring anything to the world.

I can’t cope with it all anymore. I just want my relationship back.

OP posts:
RandomButtons · 22/09/2023 22:30

It’s brutal and relentless yes. Can never get on top of housework or kids homework.

Is there anything you can outsource to make life easier?

birker · 22/09/2023 22:32

Personally I find being a single mum working full time even more exhausting....

....guess it depends on whether your partner pulls his weight or adds to the load

Original poster
JimRoyle · 22/09/2023 22:33

birker · 22/09/2023 22:32

Personally I find being a single mum working full time even more exhausting....

....guess it depends on whether your partner pulls his weight or adds to the load

Think you’ve misunderstood my point. Maintaining a happy marriage with children and FT job is maybe a better way to put it.

OP posts:
SueVineer · 22/09/2023 22:36

birker · 22/09/2023 22:32

Personally I find being a single mum working full time even more exhausting....

....guess it depends on whether your partner pulls his weight or adds to the load

This. Try being a single mum if you think it’s too hard being a working two parent family

Pollyputhekettleon · 22/09/2023 22:37

Yeah I think it's nuts that people manage it at all. Then other people are also coping with chronic health problems, bereavements, menopause, children with health problems or special needs, ageing parents with dementia. To be honest maybe being grateful that you're not dealing with all of that on top would help.

Original poster
JimRoyle · 22/09/2023 22:39

SueVineer · 22/09/2023 22:36

This. Try being a single mum if you think it’s too hard being a working two parent family

Show quote history

Race to the bottom or what.

I’ve spent all evening crying about my marriage issues and just wanted some non judgemental support while I’m feeling pretty heartbroken and lost. But I realise that’s not possible because there are people worse off so no one else can possibly find it hard. Fucks sake.

OP posts:
Original poster
JimRoyle · 22/09/2023 22:40

Pollyputhekettleon · 22/09/2023 22:37

Yeah I think it's nuts that people manage it at all. Then other people are also coping with chronic health problems, bereavements, menopause, children with health problems or special needs, ageing parents with dementia. To be honest maybe being grateful that you're not dealing with all of that on top would help.

Thanks for your support 👍 so glad I started this thread now to be berated for not being grateful for my health when I’m already having a tough time in my marriage. 😑

OP posts:
GuardiansPlayList · 22/09/2023 22:41

It’s very hard OP. Can you try and snatch time together to do small things like a cup of tea at the kitchen table or a glass of wine on a Friday night? Can you pay for a babysitter occasionally? All these little things are like investments in your marriage.

gwenneh · 22/09/2023 22:43

I think it sounds particular to your situation. DH & I both work full time, we have 3 DC and we're very happy., a situation which is sometimes hard but never "too hard".

Why 50 hours per week? That seems like the logical place to start since that is above a normal full-time schedule.

minipie · 22/09/2023 22:44

What’s most infuriating is that lots of men manage having a marriage and kids and a FT job… usually because their wife does way more than half the domestic stuff, either through having reduced her career prospects or by exhausting herself. It’s just women who can’t “have it all” because men (in general, I know NAMALT) won’t pick up half the domestic load, let alone more than half.

Dacadactyl · 22/09/2023 22:44

Can you afford to go PT?

In no way could I cope with a FT job, the house and the kids. You have my sympathy. I hope you manage to work out your marriage issues.

TwoBigNoisyBoys · 22/09/2023 22:46

Well, contrary to some other posters, I actually found it easier being a single parent, after a particularly rubbish marriage, so horses for courses!

OP I agree with you. It’s hard and relentless but I have no answers for you (unless your husband is spectacularly useless, in which case I can recommend divorce!)

Hope you’re ok x

Stopsnowing · 22/09/2023 22:47

As you are a two parent family the you might want to focus on dividing the load although if you can afford to go part time so you have more time to devote to your husband that could also be an option.

MistyBay · 22/09/2023 22:48

This has been me and my H for twenty years. Every day working, childcare, cooking etc etc and then the weekends doing DIY and cleaning/shopping etc. never stopped. In fact the weekends were the worst. now he’s left because on top of everything he expects me to go out and let my hair down once a week and complains that we don’t have a social life together.

Wtaf?

im not unhappy about it. It’s one less person I have to look after.

Link3 · 22/09/2023 22:49

I don’t bring anything to the world.
You've brought PEOPLE into the world. You're fucking awesome.

I can’t cope with it all anymore. I just want my relationship back.

Beg borrow or steal to book three nights in the Cotswolds and fuck like rabbits.

Canyoucheckonme · 22/09/2023 22:49

OP please ignore the first couple of harsh posters who are clearly trying to play "my life is harder than yours" Top Trumps 🙄

Your feelings and upset are completely valid. I know exactly how you feel. Do I know what it's like to be a single mum? No (though I was raised by one). But I do know that, for us, we have to work really bloody hard at maintaining our marriage. The disagreements and resentment at times is real and gets us down often.

So, sending you an un-mumsnetty hug from this often low and stressed out working, married, mum.

Yesterdayyesterday · 22/09/2023 22:51

SueVineer · 22/09/2023 22:36

This. Try being a single mum if you think it’s too hard being a working two parent family

Show quote history

This seems unfair.

OP I also work FT with two DC and a lot of what you say resonates with me. I was excited about where my career was when I stepped up to FT a couple of years ago after a few years of it taking a backseat. However the shine has worn off and work is not giving much back to me these days. DC are lovely but demanding and family life is busy. Thankfully I have a good relationship with DH but I can see how these situations could easily put too much stress on a marriage.

Could it be possible to go part time a bit at work to get a bit of time back for yourself? Maybe that would allow you enough space and energy to put into your relationship. Babysitters so you can go out once in a while is probably money well spent too.

I go round in circles a bit about how to find something more in my life beyond the daily grind, but the thought of taking up a hobby that requires commitment is too much. However I recently had a brainwave that I could have a sort of bucket list of different activities to try to allow me some new experiences - some alone, some with DH and some with DC. They are just small things like trying a different class at the gym, swimming in the outdoor lido in town, going to see some live music, doing a short online drawing course etc

Screamingabdabz · 22/09/2023 22:51

minipie · 22/09/2023 22:44

What’s most infuriating is that lots of men manage having a marriage and kids and a FT job… usually because their wife does way more than half the domestic stuff, either through having reduced her career prospects or by exhausting herself. It’s just women who can’t “have it all” because men (in general, I know NAMALT) won’t pick up half the domestic load, let alone more than half.

This is the bottom line. It’s perfectly possible to work f/t with a family if your partner is willing to shoulder a significant element of the domestic burden. Start there.

Canyoucheckonme · 22/09/2023 22:51

I know people are trying to be helpful, but honestly, suggesting she goes part time or gets divorced... I'm sure these are things OP has considered before!

It's bloody relentless but it won't be forever. Try to look after yourself most days, just little things.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 22/09/2023 22:52

I agree, op. It is so hard. I hope you get a good night sleep and feel better tomorrow.

I am in the depths of exhaustion yet when I go to bed it's like my mind comes alive.
I'm so fed up of the house being a shit tip, being annoyed with DH, stressy days at work etc it is relentless and now I'm coming down with something to add to the joy of it all.

To the "I'm doing it on my own" posters...Adding in the extra dynamic of a partner/marriage isn't a competition with single mums. Jesus.

Viviennethebeautiful · 22/09/2023 22:52

i Found it impossible to be a good parent, employee and wife all at the same time. However because of circumstances I muddled through what felt at the time like endless years of drudgery and not remembering what feeling happy mean’t.

so glad that I did as now my children are grown, I have a good partner and am financially independent. By Christ I paid my dues (as do so many) but I have now reaped the rewards.

Despite many sleepless night and much guilt my children are successful happy adults. I would have found it so much better if I had realised I was working towards things being better and easier. I am so dumb, at the time it didn’t occur to me. I was totally resentful of my life. Now I am so grateful it played out as it did.

Never the less, where you are now is hard. I didn’t know about Mumsnet until relatively recently. To have known others were struggling too, I know I would have made me feel less of a failure.

Only you know what’s right for you.

good luck

coralpinkandyellow · 22/09/2023 22:53

Absolutely and it’s refreshing to read. I feel like a lot of posters on here are of the “we just both work full time in senior roles, use childcare, outsource everything and do the life admin in our lunch breaks” mould and act like it really is that simple and we should all just be like them and stop moaning.

Original poster
JimRoyle · 22/09/2023 22:53

gwenneh · 22/09/2023 22:43

I think it sounds particular to your situation. DH & I both work full time, we have 3 DC and we're very happy., a situation which is sometimes hard but never "too hard".

Why 50 hours per week? That seems like the logical place to start since that is above a normal full-time schedule.

I’m a primary school teacher. 50hrs is pretty good going for us sadly. My husband works 40hrs but his commute is 1hr each way and he gets in after me and DC.

Have you any tips for a happy marriage? We both want to work for ours.

OP posts:
strawberryjeans · 22/09/2023 22:54

You’re completely valid for this. What’s going on lately though, so many people (you, OP, and I’ve been feeling this way too) are just thoroughly overwhelmed and tired! Is it just capitalism? Ha

whatkatydid2013 · 22/09/2023 22:54

It’s definitely very hard at times but it’s not impossible if you can work as a team. I’m still sending you loads of sympathy because it’s a lot of stuff to do and I don’t believe it’s effortless for anyone no matter what some people say. Things below help us

Look at what jobs you are doing at home you can outsource (for us cleaning, windows, gardening, shopping delivery) or stop doing (for us ironing everything, wearing makeup, washing up by hand) or change the frequency of (for us various cleaning tasks in between cleaner coming that we only do once rather than twice a week, tidying every evening so things never get too messy, cooking from scratch - we batch cook lots, volunteering - we only do ad hoc stuff vs weekly commitment) & how you can do things as effectively as possible.

Be as organised as possible and have a shared place you write stuff down. Use phone reminders and alarms to help keep track of everything.

Feel ok to say no to things at work. You’ll likely get further faster doing fewer things but getting them completed on time and to decent quality.

Don’t strive for perfection but accept lots of things just need to be good enough and that’s still fantastic when you are juggling so much.