To think having a marriage and kids and a FT job is just too hard

[JimRoyle]

I’m at breaking point. Argued with DH all evening over something pathetic. Just feel at all times like I’m exhausted, he’s exhausted, working 50hr weeks, never have time for each other. Snap at each other, life is just monotonous jobs, housework, being shattered. Feel like a worthless person who just exists to work and be a mother. I don’t bring anything to the world.

I can’t cope with it all anymore. I just want my relationship back.

Very very few single mothers are working full time with 2 kids that age, especially in a job that is out of the home every day. Many aren't working at all, especially if they don't have support from the childrens' father. And that's because it's very hard to balance.

Really? Have you statistics? It depends on the single mother.

I worked full time with 3 DC, youngest 2. I did have shorter contracts, where I worked less hours, not by choice, just what was available at the time. But I was working full time at a reasonably senior professional role by the time youngest was 5 & eldest 9.

There are many permutations that single mothers choose. We are not one entity, you know.

I’m a teacher too so appreciate the pressures of the job, running a house, marriage, parenting. It is really hard.

my husband has his own business and the summer term is a real pressure point for us - we are both stressed to the max.

I guess while I empathise you need to compartmentalise the problems to address them.

what’s is your relationship like during the holidays? Does it improve? Ours improves exponentially which helps me realise I still love my husband and my marriage

Buy in help - cleaners, meal delivery services,l. Get organised as much as possible - online deliveries, key dates for the week.

we also go on holiday with the kids in May half term - this breaks up the hellish summer term and gives us a happy focus.

alternatively - with all this considered - part time could be an option. It probably isn’t much less money to go 4 days a week- this may be worth it?

I empathise hugely but I guess you have to work out the situation of your marriage

@JimRoyle we can struggle for childcare but do 'date night' at home. Tbh it started in lockdown when going out wasn't possible.
Choose a nice (but easy to prepare and cook) meal, get the kids to bed and sit at the table together and eat and drink. We found the best ones for having more time talking were things like antipasti boards, cheese and wine, etc.
It is hard. You can find yourself sitting next to each other on an evening, each in your own thoughts and worries and mental job lists, and the communication stops.
During lockdown we also did online escape rooms for a laugh - not sure if they still exist. So, even if you can't get out it is still possible to try and spend time 'differently' together.
I'm glad that you have said you both want to - that's half of the battle. Good luck.

Completely agree! As a single parent I was out of the house from 7am-7.30pm, had no financial support from my ex and spent my substantially larger than it is now salary on live in childcare and mortgage. Women manage in all kinds of ways.

But it isn’t a post about single parents so apologies OP for going off note. What strikes me from your posts is not just that you’re stretched to the limit but that you feel some kind of shame that you aren’t coping better with a crazy amount of hours and a household. You aren’t superwoman & it’s perfectly perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed. Try and get some time in together this weekend - how about a walk in the countryside that ends up at a pub?

Ignore the race to the bottom OP.

I'm a LP and I've dealt with most of the list the poster added.

But I hear you.

You are doing everything family related but don't feel you have time to enjoy your family. That must be tough. I agree with outsourcing what you can. Sit and decide what the long term plans are. Can you cut work hours? Sometimes it makes no difference to income if you're paying nursery fees.

Can you start saving for a holiday? Something to look forward to through the daily drudge?

I would t say life has been easy but one thing I've recognised being a single parent is I've never had to arrange my time around someone else or feel let down by a partner.

I think every situation has its negatives but it's finding a way to turn them around

Based on ONS data around 70% of single parents work but it’s under 50% with very young children. Of those about half work full time on average and it’s reasonable to presume a greater proportion will work part time when children are younger to manage around childcare options (as is the case with couples who both work)

I think regardless if you are on your own or with a partner full time working when you have young children is a challenge

Yes, indeed. In many cases, women are still doing more of the household chores and childcare regardless of working hours outside the home. Most men’s domestic contribution has not changed as much as women’s paid labour contribution.

And yet women are told we have equality. Instead of recognising and challenging these social inequalities, what happens is women argue with each other. Married mothers v single mothers is a new one on me. When my DC were younger it was breastfeeding v formula feeding, working v SAHM. Over on the step families board, you have step mothers v ex-wives. Whatever happened to the sisterhood?

@whatkatydid2013

Thanks for the figures.

So, not 'very very few' as @KeepTheTempo stated.

As a single parent, I have always worked full-time, but that is nothing to do with the OP’s issues. I don’t get every other weekend to myself. I cannot keep up with everything I need to do. But how does this debate help except make everyone feel worse?
Society sees childcare and domestic shit as women’s roles. Even the answer ‘get a cleaner or a baby-sitter’ is going to probably outsource to a woman for a minimal wage.
Why the investment in this thread (and elsewhere) in focusing on other women who must have it easier or harder and not the general patterns which we all work and live in, and which bring different pressures depending on the permutations?

It's so very hard. Pre-covid my husband and I were in an awful place. Totally overworked, snappy etc. I actually think covid saves my marriage as it causes us to slow down. Coming back out of it whe the wold opened up, we decided to make some very deliberate changes

• we outsource where we can, that's my treat for working full time. For example, my cleaner comes on a Friday, meaning I don't need to spend my Saturday scrubbing the house. Money well spent

• I reduced my travel with work. Only 3 international trips per year. Husband does same, so we are in house together more

• Friday night is date night. Kids go to bed early. They can read, but they are in bed early. We have a curry takeaway and bottle of wine. We make a real effort for this.

• we both have the option to buy some extra holiday at work (essentially unpaid leave). For this, we use some of it for us va kids. So we take a day holiday when kids are at school/nursey and we go out and enjoy each other

• we support each other to get some exercise in, while other is on kid duty. This has meant we need to plan, ans we can't work as late as we used to.

• we each plan some time out from family life to see friends. Not often as kids are young, but we do try.

Essentially we have put things in place which mean it isn't all about the kids/work. We try to make time for us individually and as a couple. We have less money for it, it has probably had some effect on work, but it is has massively helped our marriage and overall family life- so very much worth it.

Ignore the race to the bottom OP.

I wish posters would stop saying this. As OP admitted, her title and opening posts skewed the issue. Her issue isn't that having a marriage, kids and a job is too hard. It's that her relationship is in trouble & she's struggling to deal with it, which is valid.

It's not a 'race to the bottom' to respond that it's more challenging and tiring to do everything alone. It's equally true to say dealing with a unhappy marriage, as OP currently is, is very hard too.

I don't know how full time mums do it, it must be utterly exhausting and relentless. I've always worked but not full time and having the odd day to myself to sort stuff or potter or meet a pal keeps me going. The sacrifice is money of course. But we can manage as we dont expect much and we are older and bought our house when things were cheaper. Different times. Its not fair how couples need to both work ft with kids just to make ends meet now. So i dont blame you at all for being miserable op. Its not fair.

@JimRoyle I honestly don't know how anybody with children does it these days. My children are adults now but until they left home I worked school hours. I started a normal office hours job two years ago and I have really lowered my standards since then. I cannot keep on top of anything at home. DH is the same. We are so tired after 12 hours of commuting and working that most days we just sit waiting for bedtime. I used to cook from scratch - I am ashamed of the lack of effort I put in now. We both do equal amounts of housework and you would think having no young kids at home it would be easy but I think my job gets the best of me during the day (and him). Everyday I wonder how working families cope because I think life is so much harder now.

I've read your a primary school teacher my mum was one (so all credit to you) as you are stuck with AL during school leave could you look at getting childcare for 2d 1n each holiday and visiting a nearby B&B and get to know each other again? You would then have something to look forward to every couple of months.
Also if you do have family support / can do sleepovers (sorry don't know age of your DC) could you look at doing something together semi regularly - could be fun random things like a cooking class/paddleboarding/indoor skydive
Personally I'd also advocate of looking at the household things and seeing if small changes could be made to ease things a little. We stupidly shop a few times a week and I know I should use click and collect and pick up after nursery collection. Dinner is stressful for me and I finder it easier not to eat so looking into slow cooker meals.

It sounds like your relationship is still very important to you both which is positive but I'm not a fan of running yourself into misery and as my mum says your job will replace you... your family cannot. You are very important.

Why is it 'not fair'?

In my own life, everyone I knew in my family / extended family, worked full time - my own mother, aunts, in laws. It was what I considered normal.

In my own circle, siblings, close friends, it's the same.

In the wider world, of course know plenty of school mums & work colleagues who don't work f/t, which is their choice.

It's not about 'fairness'. Couples who both work should equally share the domestic chores, child-related tasks & invest equally in their relationship. What's 'not fair' is that many men don't, and many women sacrifice career choices to take on extra child & family responsibilities.

It’s is really, really hard OP. And I think they people who don’t work in classroom-based school teaching do not always understand the time, effort and emotional labour that involves. I’m not a teacher now, but that was the hardest time of my working life (and I was young with no kids!)

As for keeping a marriage thriving, I do know lots of happily married couples with 2 great careers, and here’s what I’ve noticed:

They chuck money at the problem. Outsource everything you can afford to, but especially cleaning.

No guilt about taking time off to spend together, or of spending money doing lovely stuff together. We have a weekend away each summer, and take a few days leave in the year to just have lunch, a walk, go Christmas shopping in London. Our kids are a bit older and every Sunday we get up at 8 and walk the dogs together.

They give each other time to follow their own interests and hobbies. Not a weekend cycling around the Hertfordshire countryside for one and a weekend of homework and laundry for the other.

They avoid the ‘I’m more tired than you’ game (although I did instigate a game last night, to my shame!). They are a team and look out for each other. They argue in private and don’t bitch about each other.

They both oversee the traditional ‘wife work,’ as and when time allows. They look out for each other when times are tough, support goes both ways depending where it’s needed at that time.

Holidays are sacred, a reward for months of hard work and great fun, whether it’s in a tent or a 5* resort.

Money helps, outside support helps but both being on the same page and fundamentally liking each other really matters.

And very best of luck OP. These really are the hard years and it does indeed feel relentless. But hopefully you’ll come out of the other side together with a loving bond, great family memories and a future of new adventures. Hopefully I will too.

(IMO) it’s a myth that you can have it all… if you are at breaking point, something has to give. What do you want this to be?

is one of you reducing hours an option? Does your DP have any flexibility?

What will make life easier? Can you get a cleaner, have a weekly food delivery (I get mine 8-9 Sunday morning and always feels good to get that ticked off! Can you batch cook once a week? Eg Sunday one week, you have chicken curry and put 2-3 portions in the freezer (bolognaise / stew / chilli etc another week) Only a little more effort for that meal and can have freezer teas which mean less cleaning up to!

Can dh find a job closer to home, 2 hours travel a day is alot

Yes of course bring a single parent is hard, but there are certain stresses and strains that come with having a husband too.

some Hs are ‘radiators’: they make life better and more comfortable.

others are ‘drains’

if you have the latter it’s better to be a single parent. I should know because I do. They make life harder by draining away all your will and happiness. Sometimes, although not in my case, they drain away finances too.

It's perfectly manageable, unless one or both of the couple is exceptionally hard work.

Ha. Ha. Ha. *hollow teacher laugh

This! so many days I imagine what life would be like just selling up and moving to a random country with a totally different lifestyle. Sometimes here it just feels like the same thing day after day after day, my DW is amazing but as you say, it’s just never ending with kids and jobs. I don’t understand some of the early posters, sure your life is hard, but when someone is just asking for a virtual hug and advice, why be ars*holes - So…maybe you can do what we’re doing… We have kids booked into a half term kids club and we both decided to book annual leave that week, everyone at work assume we’ll be looking after the kids but we’re having a “selfish holiday” 5 days just us, going out, day trip to London, cinema, lunches, laying in bed. Binging Netflix, 9-6pm for 5 days - just us! Can’t wait!

My sister says if you have small children and both have full time jobs then all housework should be outsourced. She pays for cleaner, laundry service, gardener and will often buy in a meal service. At weekends she is a mum and a wife and her husband and children seem really happy with this. They can’t afford foreign holidays but she says it better to be relaxed at weekends. I used to work full time and do everything then I had a massive breakdown so I’ve learned you can’t have and do it all!

don’t understand some of the early posters, sure your life is hard, but when someone is just asking for a virtual hug and advice, why be arshole*

Where did you see posters being arseholes? They replied to OP's early proposition, which isn't in fact the problem she's facing.