To think having a marriage and kids and a FT job is just too hard

[JimRoyle]

I’m at breaking point. Argued with DH all evening over something pathetic. Just feel at all times like I’m exhausted, he’s exhausted, working 50hr weeks, never have time for each other. Snap at each other, life is just monotonous jobs, housework, being shattered. Feel like a worthless person who just exists to work and be a mother. I don’t bring anything to the world.

I can’t cope with it all anymore. I just want my relationship back.

I'm sorry you're feeling shit @JimRoyle , it's not a competition.

Has it being going on for a while? How old are you, is perimenopause a factor? Can you sit down with DH (ideally, not when you have been sniping at each other all night) and have an honest conversation? Is it the case you genuinely can't make time for yourselves, rather than most haven't got round to it yet? It's a bit trite, can you organise a date night or two, and try and remember what you like about each other?

Yes, I left my partner of 16 years and life is infinitely easier now! Still work full time and have sole responsibility for 3 kids but I no longer have to deal with a man-child on top of everything else and get every other weekend to myself! Not worth staying in an unhappy relationship when things would be easier if you are apart.

My post is about maintaining a happy marriage whilst doing everything else, not the load of the everything else! Of COURSE that’s harder for single parents but that’s not what Im posting about. The PPs on about how it’s harder for single parents are missing the mark.

The title probably wasn’t worded right, I posted impulsively

couldn't have worked FT when the DC were small and honestly still don't. I work 9.30 - 4pm and dh works 8-4pm.

If you both work FT with small kids you basically just survive

I had a feeling you'd take that the wrong way. You're not in a good headspace, I get it. But practising gratitude actually does really help, especially when you least feel like doing it. I've been through some grim times, so I find it easy enough to make myself remember how much worse things can get, because it's my own experiences I'm remembering. Then it's easy enough to think of everyone I know who has it so much worse than I ever have. A neighbour has an autistic 5 year old who often stays awake all night, a friend has a teenager who's self-harming and a marriage that's a disaster, and so on. It gives me perspective to get me through lesser miseries while working on making things better.

Thank you xx

@JimRoyle how old are your DC?

50 hours is a lot - I agree about investigating other potential options. But while you are in employment rather than jacking it all in. Is there any possibility that you can get by on earning less than you do at the moment? Can you also call in family or friends to give you a little one on one time with DH? I’m sorry you feel so shit but by the sound of it you’ve reached the end of your tether. Getting a healthy work/life balance is really important for your sanity so time for some conversations. No shame on you, 50 hours a week + kids is a lot to carry.

As for the single mums comments - with the best will in the world, I’ve been married for 17 years but was a single Mum before that for 10 years. Without putting you down in anyway, it is a different load when it is only you carrying it and with less options. But that isn’t to denigrate you at all - time to reach out to DH and be honest. Best wishes to you.

Oh op me and partner are going through something similar. We argued all night over nothing and just realised we missed each other. I'm staying part time at work, to make it work. It's hard be it's working for us. I hope you can find your way. Kids shouldn't mean a relationship is over. And to all the I'm a single mums, I've got it harder posters, stop minimising what others are saying just because you're jealous! OP wants to work at her relationship, this is about you. It's about her!

There's always one! Just ignore.

What are your finances like? Can you afford any help? A cleaner, etc?

Not necessarily.

Some women seem so brainwashed into feeling like they HAVE towork FT (to their own and the rest of their family's detriment) that they wouldn't want to go PT, even if they could afford it.

Not saying that's the case with you OP.

btw @JimRoyle have been watching repeats of the Royale Family and DS2 thinks you are awesome 😁

Agree. Sometimes having a man jist makes it harder cos it is someone else you have to think about.

Sorry OP I hadn’t read your updates before I posted. Is there any chance you can get a couple of nights away somewhere to just have fun with your husband. We try and escape on our own for a night or a couple of nights every now and again and have swapped childcare with friends to facilitate it in the past. Having that bit of time helps a lot with feeling more connected and less like everything is about the kids

Amazingly, every thread isn’t about your exact situation. Other people can also have a rough time, and even if it genuinely isn’t as rough as yours, that doesn’t mean they don’t get to vent. Grow up. Etc

It’s not a competition you know.

😂 this made me smile!

I am a single parent - I don’t consider myself at the bottom 🤷🏻‍♀️ One thing about being a single parent is that there is no husband or relationship to worry about. It is quite liberating!

That apart, as a single parent, I don’t think I have much to add on how to make a marriage work - I am not in one!
I suppose if I was in a marriage, I would ask what is behind the arguments?
if it is about something ‘pathetic’, why are you and he invested in it enough to argue all evening to the extent you are in tears? Why not say, let’s cut each other some slack, everyone is still alive and we are exhausted. So what are the bigger issues?
If the issues are about being exhausted, what can give?

Honestly I think what works in our situation might not be super helpful for you, and I wish I had more advice because you sound really tapped out.

DH and I both have hobbies which are sacrosanct in terms of schedule, which gives us both a break and the occasional dose of adult interaction with someone who isn't the other person. I've found that enormously helpful. He also does a decent share of the household tasks & admin, and I take on most of the mental load. We have settled on a division of labour that works for us, and it allows us some free time for ourselves, which we don't begrudge.

And a PP did mention it, but outsourcing or spending for convenience where possible helps. It's not always possible,but I do feel better with even a semi-regular cleaner and twice weekly Hellofresh delivery. It buys small amounts of time which we can then use elsewhere.

Got other friends who say this too

I feel like you. I was actually just about to start a thread (might still do as do t want to hijack yours!)

I’ve just had an argument with mine. On Wednesday night he came home at 12am! I stayed up as wasn’t sure he had front door key he acted like nothings wrong and actually does this a lot. I can’t cope with working FT and raising 2 kids. I still need him for money as he pays mortgage (very expensive, London area)

hope things get better for you.

Firstly you need to stop beating yourself up - you are a teacher and a parent, so by definition you are bringing plenty to the world.

It is a brutal life stage that’s for sure.Have you and your husband had the chance to talk this through? I think you need to do that, there will be some things you can do to improve life but first you need to know what you are both finding hardest. Once you know that I’d take a look at your finances and see what you can possibly do, whether it’s more help, or someone dropping a day. And even if that’s impossible, if you work at it together you can probably come up with some ways to make life run more smoothly.

For now can you possibly get away for a night together

Oh, and I am not jealous about not being in a marriage - I know lots of couples in happy marriages, or so it seems, but I was brought up in a quite a dysfunctional family and I don’t think I have the blueprint to know how to be married. Maybe nobody does and that is why people find it hard. Good luck to you.

What types of thing are you arguing about? And what type of person are you married to?

I found it impossible but that’s because I was the only nice person in my marriage ;)

Phases of parenting pass, work waxes and wanes in its difficulties, but a successful relationship will only work if you are both decent respectful loving people.

Its hard. We have one child and I work 4 days a week (although in reality do 50 hours a week) and my DH works more like 70/80 hours a week at the moment. Luckily he is well paid for that so we outsource some of the jobs and have a cleaner which helps. We do often feel like ships that pass in the night. Unless one of us is out, it's a non-negotiable though that we eat dinner together (me and DH, sometimes DS) and watch an hour of TV together. Just having that break and that time together helps anchor us I think.