To think having a marriage and kids and a FT job is just too hard

[JimRoyle]

I’m at breaking point. Argued with DH all evening over something pathetic. Just feel at all times like I’m exhausted, he’s exhausted, working 50hr weeks, never have time for each other. Snap at each other, life is just monotonous jobs, housework, being shattered. Feel like a worthless person who just exists to work and be a mother. I don’t bring anything to the world.

I can’t cope with it all anymore. I just want my relationship back.

I’m so grateful for the kind replies.

DC are young, 2&5. I’ve just gone back FT 😅 and can’t afford childcare PT - would have to have 2yo with me which isn’t clawing back any time to spend with DH.

Im going to look into a cleaner, you’re right. We’ve only had 1 evening out since our 2yo was born and I hadn’t realised this till now. That was back in May.

Going to speak to my H tomorrow morning about babysitters for some date nights. I’ve piled weight on too so confidence is low.

Im still in my 30s so hopefully not perimenopausal quite yet. 🤞

I can't believe people are suggesting you work p/t to allow you time to devote to your marriage? Presumably OPs DH should make the same sacrifice?

50hrs a week is a lot but as a teacher you've just come off 6 weeks holiday, wasn't there time then to spend time together and get on top of some of the household stuff?

Sounds like you're possibly depressed OP if you're crying so much without a definite cause. Are you menopausal?

Cross posted

If you have just gone back FT, it will partly be the adjustment needed. Has your DH got into the habit of thinking you will pick up the slack? It needs a bit of time to adjust to you both working FT.

🙄 op feelings and struggles are totally valid, everyone struggles, there is no competition fgs.

Could you get someone to take the children for a couple of hours one evening so you two can go out, just the two of you dinner/drink whatever and just talk and be yourselves without being mum and dad.

Try and make it a regular thing, even if it's one a month. Hopefully, it'll help you to reconnect and rediscover eachother.

I remember when ds was about 4 or 5 months old and I had almost completely lost myself in motherhood. Dh asked my parents and his if they'd help him start "dating" me again. I think it saved our relationship.

So my marriage didn't survive working full time with toddler twins and an older child. (Now doing it all solo) anyway looking back I guess this is where we (but mainly he) went wrong

• thought he could continue the lifestyle he had before with the same amount of "me" time - if he just accepted it like I did then he wouldn't have grown resentful - it's not forever and I had made peace with that in the early days

• saw how lucky we really were - he couldn't see past the sleepless nights and lack of money long enough to actually see what we had was worth more than money could ever buy.

• pulled weight equally - to avoid resentment building in either/both of us

• sex life never recovered after twins and to be honest both at fault for that for not making more time and energy

• trying to find a babysitter amongst family more even if it was for a couple of hours to spend time together.

I find it so difficult. Work and marriage I can do fine and when things are calm with the older children it seems to run well. But the minute there's a hitch or a life hiccup that needs addressing, all of the plates stop spinning and I become a total mess. It's so damn hard and relentless.

We moved house (and cities) in the six weeks, with children.. there was no free time 😅 my H isn’t a teacher either, he started work a week after we moved then it was just me at home with DC.

I remember when ds was about 4 or 5 months old and I had almost completely lost myself in motherhood. Dh asked my parents and his if they'd help him start "dating" me again. I think it saved our relationship.

This is why we, in the absence of the ability to carve out a date night, kept our individual hobbies and why they're so important. I think it accomplishes a bit of the same goal.

(Though I would absolutely recommend the getaway to the Cotswolds idea as well.)

Most summers I can get a good bit of batch cooking and bits done though!

I knew from your OP you were a primary teacher.
It's unique in that it is so demanding in terms of the workload & emotional investment that you put in. You have to give so much & sometimes you get home & just want to sit in a dark room for a while but it's not possible - I empathise, I really do.

Is it a school issue? Some schools are better than others in managing staff wellbeing & workload. I struggled with 2.5 days at my last school but work 4 with far less stress at my new one. All down to the different attitudes & demands of the SLT

I know it's been mentioned upthread but could you drop to 4 days? I have several colleagues at my school who've done this & basically used it to buy back their weekend by getting their work done on the non working day. The drop in wages might not be as much as you think as you'll pay less tax etc. If this isn't an option could you drop responsibilities/threshold points if you have them?

Ultimately it's not a family friendly career as to perform well at work it often feels like you need to sacrifice so much of your home life. I personally decided to 'check out' of my full time teaching responsibility about 5 years ago when I was almost driven to the verge of a breakdown.
I left my job with nothing to go to. Did bits of supply teaching until I found a school that I liked. I work almost FT now but covering classes & running interventions. Much less stressful.
Hope you find a solution that works OP.

@Cocoalover is right! You don't tell a single mum to see how much better they have it than a mum of 10 on a 3rd world country. We all struggle and need to ask for support. Don't know why people have to bring mums who are asking for help down because they need to be compared to others who have a different life

Do you work close together? We sometimes met for a quick lunch.

My mum babysat once so we had a night in a nice hotel.

Sometimes had a date night at home. Kids in bed & we got a takeaway ,& a bottle of wine. Or cooked something really nice. Then cuddled up & watched a film.

Occasionally booked a babysitter so we could go out for an evening.

It's hard when you're shattered to actually make time to just be a couple again. It did get easier as the kids got older.

I think it's the same idea isn't it? Keeping your hobbies helped to maintain that bit of who you are in addition to being parents.

And that keeping who you are aside from your home responsibilities helps to keep your relationship strong because you are still completely you.

I've never really had hobbies beyond reading, so I guess that's why it was easy to slip into ds being my entire world, now he's more independent it's much easier to be us, even when he's with us, as he doesn't need 100% attention at all times.

I hope I'm not talking gibberish and you know I'm agreeing with you 🤦‍♀️

You will be finding being back to full time working even harder than it used to be. Remind yourself that you are doing a valuable job AND raising your own children AND holding a household together. No wonder there seems no time, energy or emotional space for your own relationship.

If you can afford it, look at outsourcing some household tasks - cleaning, laundry, gardening, even childcare.

It’s only women who are brainwashed to think that is it? managing work and family isn’t a shared responsibility between men and women?

Hi OP.
Not much much help regarding advice as I often feel exactly the same but wanted to reach out to send a hug and solidarity. In amongst the judgy little key board warriors who just want to top everyone, I wanted to say I am sure you are a fab person and are doing better than you think xx

Why are you working 50 hours ? Can you change this? How old are the children?

Can you let some things go? you don’t have yo be on top of everything; it is impossible. Can you get a bit of extra help? Childcare, cleaning, etc? Schedule a night with your husband once a week? For a movie, wine, etc?

I find meditation and yoga help me with stress and to relax, I like the mindful movement meditations which are in YouTube; even 10 min help.

I see you are a school teacher and children are 2 & 5; no wonder you are tired snd stress.

Hope you can improve some things to help your marriage; things will improve when both kids are at school

I’m a single mum, and actually not having to consider a relationship, the needs of another adult and a long-lasting intimate connection makes my life easier in a way. That is the struggle as, rightly, you put the other adult last, after the kids and probably after the job.

can you take a sick day from work and spend the day together in bed? Can you come up with secret code words to communicate to build intimacy? Can you text during the day? can you try to have sex even when you’re just so exhausted?

you kids are so young, this is the hardest bit. Once they can get themselves up, do their own teeth and hair, get themselves dressed and ready and off to school the pressure eases a bit.

you can make this work as you’re both committed, keep talking, sharing and loving each other, recognising how important your relationship is is the best first step.

Remember you are bringing up 2 small children and it’s no mean feat! Me and my husband are struggling too - not because we don’t love each other, but because we have different work patterns and don’t get days off together, always arguing about money and housework. I do feel things got a bit better once my eldest started school. I also have a 2 year old so think it feels particularly brutal at the moment. Hang in there OP, you’ll get your life back one day. Can you try and have a night off once a month to meet a friend or do a hobby?

Resign from your job and stay at home with your kids for a few years.

You know that noise in your head thats always there? that'll stop quite soon after and you'll feel really peaceful.

You can go back to work later, we have to work till we're 67 anyway so a few years out of the workplace won't hurt. We've just all been brainwashed into thinking taking a few years out is career suicide. It's not - you can pick it back up even if you have to do a refresher course or go back in a slightly lower position.

It doesn’t help when people try to compare other people’s lives with your own, it doesn’t make your own problems any less.

I’m sorry you’re finding things hard at the moment op, teaching is relentless & then going home to your own dc is hard-lovely, but has its own challenges.

I have no advice other than to say you are far from alone and it will get slightly easier when your dc are older.

If you can afford a babysitter once a month, go out for a couple of hours together-do something you used to do together.

Presumably you don't ever get to struggle with life either, as homeless mothers of 5 in war-torn countries have it harder again? This actually wasn't about you 🙄

But since you've brought it up, I'll bite. Op says she has kids age 2 and 5. Very very few single mothers are working full time with 2 kids that age, especially in a job that is out of the home every day. Many aren't working at all, especially if they don't have support from the childrens' father. And that's because it's very hard to balance.

My own DCs were just bit older than that when their father first walked out, and even with 1 overnight a fortnight with him and working in a full time and intense job, I found it easier in many ways. Having a partner adds work, and often stress, especially if they don't pull their weight or have high expectations, or you otherwise aren't getting on.

So yes, op, it's totally valid for you to be tired and feel pulled from pillar to post. Can you get more help in the school holidays so it isn't relentless? Or at home?