To think having a marriage and kids and a FT job is just too hard

[JimRoyle]

I’m at breaking point. Argued with DH all evening over something pathetic. Just feel at all times like I’m exhausted, he’s exhausted, working 50hr weeks, never have time for each other. Snap at each other, life is just monotonous jobs, housework, being shattered. Feel like a worthless person who just exists to work and be a mother. I don’t bring anything to the world.

I can’t cope with it all anymore. I just want my relationship back.

Be on the same team and don’t play competitive tiredness. Also give one another equal time off- even a couple of hours- to decompress.

Do certainly try to get some domestic help and try to make at least a short time of each day fun or happy.

These toughest years do pass and you’ll get through them but yes, they are hard.

It is really hard OP, you need to work at it, spending time as a couple and not bickering about dull, domestic life now takes effort.

Make sure you carve out time for yourself as a couple. Even if you’re absolutely knackered. Even if it’s just getting a babysitter for an hour or 2 and just go to the local pub every week. Have an agreement that you’re not to talk about the kids or the house whilst you’re out.

I have a cleaner/housekeeper so that we never argue about who does most housework.

We have also made sure we have a couples weekend away every year without fail.

It is hard, and too easy to just think you’re too tired, but you need to do it to remember what got you together in the first place.

Don’t be an Elevenrifer. It’s not a good look

You're in the eye of the storm right now. Demanding children but working FT and you've moved cities! I'm not surprised your marriage is feeling the strain
Get a cleaner, get a babysitter.

Same!

Being a single mum is much easier than being in a relationship when the other half can't/won't understand you can't pour from an empty cup, yet expects you to keep on pouring.

It's hard and obviously finance make so much of a difference but DH and I seem to have struck a balance with working as we have both dropped a day at work. We try to alternate our day off so one week we do something fun/personal and the other to do something which needs doing e.g. decorating. Every so often I can switch my day so we have the day together.
House work/ house tasks are split and to be honest we've let general tidiness slip as we've both realised that spending time as a family ( x2 DC) is precious.
We have disagreements like most couples but having both seen our respective parents' dysfunctional relationships we can communicate. I don't want to end up like my parents are, I want our kids to have good role models.

There are factors that make our lives possible like good support networks and us being in reasonable financial shape which I realise is a huge advantage and we are very fortunate.

Unless you signed a Working Time Directive opt-out, those hours are illegal.

Have you considered a different career?

Hang on, you just moved to somewhere where your husband has a one hour each way commute? Why on earth would you do that? My commute takes half of that time.

Women are sold a lie about men, children and work.

I'm no longer with my child's father but from my perspective I'd advise finding 1hr a week that both you and your partner can go and do something together, just you guys. Whether it's a walk, tennis, something fun, not just a drink where you'll likely talk about the kids/jobs etc.

Do something where you get to just 'be' and see the you versions of each other, not the mum and dad versions.

I can also say that as a single mum I'm happier, like others have said, but that's cause our relationships got too crap and we gave up/they cheated etc. If you want to make yours work and be happy, you will find a way Xx

It depends, A 36 hour week from home will be a lot easier than a 50 week with a commute

It is hard. I worked FT with children.

You mentioned just moving and you DH having an hour commute each way. That's part of the problem. Can he WFH at all?

Agree with getting a cleaner, sending laundry out, etc. to free up some time.

We both work F/T - I regularly work 50+ hours a week too (3 days wfh), he is self employed and also does the same. He does more than his fair share

Our children are 9 and 4.5. We have a routine, everyone knows what they're doing and when.

But more importantly we make time to do things as a couple. We watch a film in the evening ( weekend! Far too tired in the week), we go out for dinner, we try and have a weekend away at least once/twice a year.

It's hard, it didn't start getting easier until the youngest hit 3. He only started reception last week'

To be perfectly honest, no one understands what it's like to walk in someone else's shoes.

Many of my friends that are single parents get at least every other weekend off! They don't have to negotiate a relationship as well as the kids, house, elderly parents etc... relationships take effort. Even good ones. So stop giving the op a hard time.

I agree op. If you are rich then u out source cleaning, accounts, ironing etc do you can focus on children.

Or one person works less hours and tops their hours up with managing home life.

Otherwise you are trying to work (40 hours) clean (approx 10 hours) spend time with kids (ideally a couple hours a night plus weekends say 30 hour) do admin/visit family/shopping etc. so your week is actually 11/12 hours a day of trying to work clean/see kids. Maybe an hour or 2 to sit down once kids in bed. Sleep. Then start again.

Are you both working 50 hour weeks? That is a lot.

With 2 f/t jobs and 2 parents who see parenting and domestic responsibilities as properly joint it can be done. But 50 hours a week is extreme.

Op it's so hard and non teaching aware people won't get it
Full time teaching is a lot (too much)in term time.
You need the hols as you're fucking knackered and then have to juggle your own kids as well as prep for the next term.
You're too tired to go out on a weekend and couldn't go out during the week as have to work for the following day as well as being knackered.
Book a babysitter and make a date with your dh.
Once per month see how you do.

Is DH supportive. Do you have good wraparound care so can try to finish work at work ?

I've just left teaching and have a different job. Revelation having evenings and weekends to myself!
🌹

How ironic that in being so quick to stick the boot in, you spectacularly missed the point that you have absolutely no useful advice to offer the OP, because you have no relationship to maintain, alongside working and raising a family? From that perspective, you actually have it infinitely easier than OP. Go figure ay...

Can your husband do compressed hours and work 4 days a week? If he already gets in after you in the evening, then it will make little difference if he’s home 1-1.5 hours later. He can then get on top of housework on his day off and you can have more quality time together at the weekend?

In no way could I cope with a FT job, the house and the kids.

Of course you could. You are simply fortunate to have the choice not to.

If you had to, like me, you would. (Single parent to 3, no support from ex or family nearby).

This is exceptionally unhelpful. It’s not a competition. If I came in here to ask for some advice about a broken bone would you tell me “at least it’s not cancer”?

I agree op. To those of you saying try being a single mum...it's not a race to the bottom.

FWIW I found it easier as a single mum. I didn't have to try and maintain the relationship while constantly stressed and knackered. Sometimes it's easier not having another adult to consider

I found it way too hard and am so much happier now I work incredibly part time (12.5hrs a week). Family life is just so much more relaxed and happy. So grateful that I had that option. Don’t feel bad that you are finding it difficult, it is one hell of an ask.

I have 3 DCs. My DH and I both work FT. DH is a shift worker.

My DCs are teens now so it does get easier.

My tips are: lower your standards of housework, come off social media so you're not comparing to other people and book a night away with your DH every so often if you've got a babysitter.

The title probably wasn’t worded right, I posted impulsively

I think that's the issue. It's not really about the combination of marriage, work, kids & house being hard.

It's that your relationship is under pressure & you are unhappy. I think talking honestly to your DH is the first point, and I'd recommend counselling together.

If it's a deeper unhappiness & your relationship is in crisis, you may have to consider if your marriage can survive - from experience, that's terrifying & very hard. But start with counselling.