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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my boyfriend is being really muggy?

290 replies

DeepDishCookie78 · 22/09/2023 10:23

I have been with my boyfriend about a year now. We live about 1 hour 45 minutes away from each other. I have one child and he has none. I have my own home whereas he has had to move back home for a while because his ex got him into some financial difficulties (he is 28 years old and I am 27).

He had booked a surprise weekend for us that was meant to be today until Sunday. It was obviously a surprise when he booked it but he had to give me a few weeks notice to arrange the childcare and for the pets to be looked after.

He has had a really stressful last couple of weeks so said that he wanted to go alone. I was disappointed as it had been booked weeks in advance, I had gone to the trouble to arrange the childcare and for the animals and we don’t get to see each other on our own for quality time very much.

Fast forward to today and he is now taking his dad with him (the trip is to watch a sports game as I have wanted to watch one live for ages). He is definitely going with his dad as I could hear them speaking in the background when he rang.

AIBU to feel really pissed off and mugged off about this? He knows that I still have the childcare and everything arranged (my child still wanted to go and stay with relatives so I kept the plan the same for that) and instead of taking the opportunity to spend quality time with me, he has now suddenly decided that he doesn’t want to go alone but has chosen his dad instead?

OP posts:
Blough · 22/09/2023 12:08

A disinterested boyfriend who keeps ditching you for his mates is not helping your anxiety and you're embarrassing yourself by accepting being treated as disposable. Just focus on your kid, and never move a bloke in to your home and risk losing half of it to a future boyfriend.

Blough · 22/09/2023 12:10

(I know you didn't mention moving this bloke in to your kids home, but the fact that you have your own home, this man does not and is a failure with money is screaming cocklodger potential)

Fallingthroughclouds · 22/09/2023 12:14

Needmorelego · 22/09/2023 10:51

@ManateeFair what....you've never had a situation come up with a parent that they really need to spend some time with you so plans change?
There could be 1001 reasons.

If this was the case he would surely have explained. I think he's just no longer interested, sorry.

GingerIsBest · 22/09/2023 12:15

saffronsoup · 22/09/2023 12:06

There are limitless threads on here of women blaming their husbands for their poor financial states and many other things that are wrong in their lives. I think it is less a red flag and more that relationships are complicated and most people feel hurt or victimized in some way when a relationship ends. In some cases, the man or woman has been victimized and it isn't a red flag at all.

Show quote history

In my experience, when these women are then single, and struggling financially, they still blame themselves for being so stupid - even in a situation where they were massively financially abused, usually because of having children.. The "oh, I had no agency" argument is almost ALWATS a red flag

Mari9999 · 22/09/2023 12:19

@DeepDishCookie78
Is it possible that whatever was/is going on in his life is something that he wants to possibly work through or discuss with his dad?

Surely as a parent you have experienced the need to make changes in planned activities because of something related to your child or some other unexpected situation.

You now have a totally free weekend. Use it to do something that you would enjoy but rarely get to do. Not many relationships work well without the partners having dome level of flexibility.

saffronsoup · 22/09/2023 12:19

GingerIsBest · 22/09/2023 12:15

In my experience, when these women are then single, and struggling financially, they still blame themselves for being so stupid - even in a situation where they were massively financially abused, usually because of having children.. The "oh, I had no agency" argument is almost ALWATS a red flag

Show quote history

Mena nd women can both plead I had no agency. Men and women are both abused in many ways. Both can be abusers. I am not going to look at any woman who says she has been victimized and say red flag - liar, you are probably the abuser if you are blaming your ex. Nor would I do the same with any man. Men and women both have agency and responsibility and both can be victimized by partners.

aSofaNearYou · 22/09/2023 12:21

Needmorelego · 22/09/2023 10:51

@ManateeFair what....you've never had a situation come up with a parent that they really need to spend some time with you so plans change?
There could be 1001 reasons.

First of all, no, not really. Second of all, if it did, it did not need to happen during this trip he had arranged to go on with somebody else, they are adults and can wait. Thirdly, they live together, they have loads of time to talk to one another.

Whichwhatnow · 22/09/2023 12:23

Ugh, no. I don't usually agree with a lot of the automatic 'LTB' for any transgression you often hear on here, but to me this demonstrates at a fundamental level just how little care and respect he has for you. I would really struggle to get past this (possible exceptions are if he's mid breakdown/mental health crisis or something that is affecting his judgement...)

BlueMongoose · 22/09/2023 12:28

It's the lies that would make me feel he was not worth bothering with.

Inertia · 22/09/2023 12:30

Life’s too short to put up with bollocks like this.

Some men are especially vindictive, and like to destroy women’s confidence to keep them under control. This build you up/ shoot you down cycle will probably continue until you’ve lost all self worth.

Do something for you this weekend, and be unavailable if he calls.

BlueMongoose · 22/09/2023 12:30

Needmorelego · 22/09/2023 10:51

@ManateeFair what....you've never had a situation come up with a parent that they really need to spend some time with you so plans change?
There could be 1001 reasons.

Why did the byfriend lie? That's the million dollar question. Personally I don't think liars are ever worth the trouble. Like cowardice, lying leads to every other vice.

WowOK · 22/09/2023 12:31

Fuck him. Do something and enjoy your child free weekend.

dcsp · 22/09/2023 12:33

You're not being unreasonable.

However, a couple of other people have said there's a possibility he has some family stuff going on, so if you think that is a possibility and wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt you could say something that makes it clear:

  • that you're unhappy
  • why you're unhappy - it's not because you're some spoiled princess wanting a weekend away, it's that it's deeply disrespectful to expect you to change your plans at the drop of a hat without as much as an explanation why
  • That the only reason you're not ending things right now is in case the root cause is some family stuff going on which he's not yet ready to tell you
  • That if it turns out he was just an inconsiderate so-and-so, or if there's a repeat, you will be ending it - so if that is the case he may as well save himself and you the hassle and walk away now
If you go that route, you should then stick to it!
Magien · 22/09/2023 12:35

Dump him. That's a shitty way for him to treat you.

BlueMongoose · 22/09/2023 12:36

dcsp · 22/09/2023 12:33

You're not being unreasonable.

However, a couple of other people have said there's a possibility he has some family stuff going on, so if you think that is a possibility and wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt you could say something that makes it clear:

  • that you're unhappy
  • why you're unhappy - it's not because you're some spoiled princess wanting a weekend away, it's that it's deeply disrespectful to expect you to change your plans at the drop of a hat without as much as an explanation why
  • That the only reason you're not ending things right now is in case the root cause is some family stuff going on which he's not yet ready to tell you
  • That if it turns out he was just an inconsiderate so-and-so, or if there's a repeat, you will be ending it - so if that is the case he may as well save himself and you the hassle and walk away now
If you go that route, you should then stick to it!

He could have explained. Even said, 'my dad has some problems I can't talk about but it is really important I'm with him' if his Dad's problem was really private. He didn't. Basically, he lied. So this is on him.

Rosiem2808 · 22/09/2023 12:36

OP Someone like this will always add to your anxieties. He is not dependable and what he has done to you now is really rather unkind. If I were you I would not be making the first move when he returns from his lovely break away with his dad.
And while he is away have some nice time to yourself and pamper yourself a bit/a lot.
If this were me I would be ending the relationship as he is not very nice.

gamerchick · 22/09/2023 12:38

BrawnWild · 22/09/2023 10:44

Wouldnt be surprised if he has spaffed his cash and cant afford it and dad is bailing him out on the condition he gets something from it.

Aye, I thought similar.

His dad's shelled out imo. Or he's one of these who likes to promise shit for the good feelz in the moment but doesn't follow through

Whattodowithit88 · 22/09/2023 12:39

Are you sure he booked it for you? Sounds like he booked it for his dad all along and said it was for you to sound good but as the time come closer had to come up with an excuse or cause an argument. If his stressed why is he still going? Why not with you? His still taking someone so how does that resolve the stress? Sounds like his just a liar.

ImAStallionBaby · 22/09/2023 12:46

AliOlis · 22/09/2023 11:46

Eh??

Show quote history

Tbf, it's not always totally the man's fault. Sometimes I despair at the women desperately putting up with these total knobheads.

Justcallmebebes · 22/09/2023 12:54

Needmorelego · 22/09/2023 10:27

He obviously wants to talk to his Dad about something or maybe there's something going on with his Dad and they want to spend time together.
If this is a one off let it go.

He lives with his dad. Why do they have to go away on a pre-planned weekend with the OP to talk?

No OP, I would not be happy especially as I'd made arrangements to go. I would dump him for this

Justcallmebebes · 22/09/2023 12:56

Needmorelego · 22/09/2023 11:01

Mumsnet really is man hatting isn't it?
Poor guy - if the OP dumps him I think he's had a good escape 😂

Just dead beat dads and flaky fuck wits

uncomfortablydumb53 · 22/09/2023 12:56

Sorry you are incompatible
You are a responsible adult and he's an immature teen, behaviour wise.
You should be his priority but he doesn't understand or care about your feelings
He has a history of cancelling so this is not a one off
He's not worth it, get rid and find someone who shows you they care

localnotail · 22/09/2023 12:58

Why are you tolerating a partner who is so selfish and thoughtless? You cay he used to cancel on you a lot - seriously, grow some self respect.

HE invited you, you made plans, organised childcare and he just goes and cancels on you for no apparent reason, seemingly with no apology or anything, and you seem to take it in your stride! Mind boggling.

NotAMug · 22/09/2023 13:08

TBH him cancelling a surprise he'd booked for me as he was stressed so wanted to go alone would have been enough for me to ditch him. The rest makes it even worse.

Sunshinenrain · 22/09/2023 13:08

Are you sure he even sees you as his gf and not just a FWB?

This is absolutely not normal.

I can’t believe there are actually posters defending him!

He arranged it with you.
You spent time sorting childcare etc which is often very difficult for a single parent and were looking forward to it.
He then cancelled and said he wanted to go by himself - dick move.
Now he’s taking his dad who he lives with - even bigger dick move.

He doesn’t care about your feelings at all.

If his dad is terminally ill and this event only happens on that day or something, he could just say that he’s really sorry but can you rearrange as he wants to take his dad instead.

You’re like a back up option which I wouldn’t allow.

It doesn’t matter what someone’s going through, they don’t get to treat you like shit.

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