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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my boyfriend is being really muggy?

290 replies

DeepDishCookie78 · 22/09/2023 10:23

I have been with my boyfriend about a year now. We live about 1 hour 45 minutes away from each other. I have one child and he has none. I have my own home whereas he has had to move back home for a while because his ex got him into some financial difficulties (he is 28 years old and I am 27).

He had booked a surprise weekend for us that was meant to be today until Sunday. It was obviously a surprise when he booked it but he had to give me a few weeks notice to arrange the childcare and for the pets to be looked after.

He has had a really stressful last couple of weeks so said that he wanted to go alone. I was disappointed as it had been booked weeks in advance, I had gone to the trouble to arrange the childcare and for the animals and we don’t get to see each other on our own for quality time very much.

Fast forward to today and he is now taking his dad with him (the trip is to watch a sports game as I have wanted to watch one live for ages). He is definitely going with his dad as I could hear them speaking in the background when he rang.

AIBU to feel really pissed off and mugged off about this? He knows that I still have the childcare and everything arranged (my child still wanted to go and stay with relatives so I kept the plan the same for that) and instead of taking the opportunity to spend quality time with me, he has now suddenly decided that he doesn’t want to go alone but has chosen his dad instead?

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 22/09/2023 11:40

DeepDishCookie78 · 22/09/2023 11:10

@Needmorelego he used to do it a lot in the beginning (first 3-4 months), always cancelling plans to spend time with friends and family instead, then he got better and now it looks like it’s going back to how it used to be again 🤷‍♀️

Well there you are OP.
This will be your future if you stay with him, second best !

And he won't change this is who he is.

ReadtheReviews · 22/09/2023 11:43

Clicked on this to find out what being muggy meant. Still don't know. But also think he needs to be dumped op. He doesn't care about you.

cheddercherry · 22/09/2023 11:43

Context is everything, if he always cancelled on you in the early days like you said then that’s really shitty behaviour to make and break plans on a whim. If he had actual plans with people which meant he was busy therefore had limited time with you then that’s not outrageous to have a social life beyond a new gf.

I think it’s odd that he’d rather go alone before he even took his dad, it’s weird a year in to a relationship that he wouldn’t feel close enough to be supported by you when he’s stressed, not pull away. It’s just not respectful to see you as someone he can drop and disappoint to be honest and if he has always kind of acted this way then no, I wouldn’t see it as a relationship I would continue because he either views it far more casually than you do as a long distance arrangement, or he just generally doesn’t care about constantly disappointing you. It’s beyond rude to make plans continuously only to cancel fairly last minute, once for a reason, twice maybe? But a year of it, nah.

aSofaNearYou · 22/09/2023 11:45

ReadtheReviews · 22/09/2023 11:43

Clicked on this to find out what being muggy meant. Still don't know. But also think he needs to be dumped op. He doesn't care about you.

As in "he's mugged you off".

Original poster
DeepDishCookie78 · 22/09/2023 11:46

I think a lot of people have just echoed exactly what I’ve been thinking but I’m just so scared of not having him in my life anymore. I had such bad anxiety before I met him and on the one hand, he has let me down A LOT even when he knows how upset it makes me but he has also helped me a lot with my anxiety and encouraged me to go out and do things by myself and I’ve made such a lot of progress, I think I’m just scared I’m going to go back downhill without him having some sort of presence in my life if that makes sense?!

OP posts:
AliOlis · 22/09/2023 11:46

Needmorelego · 22/09/2023 11:01

Mumsnet really is man hatting isn't it?
Poor guy - if the OP dumps him I think he's had a good escape 😂

Eh??

WhatapityWapiti · 22/09/2023 11:46

aSofaNearYou · 22/09/2023 11:45

As in "he's mugged you off".

Show quote history

Nope, have never heard that one either…

aSofaNearYou · 22/09/2023 11:48

Nope, have never heard that one either…

Have you heard "you're being a mug"? It's colloquial but not uncommon - it means they're taking advantage of you/making you look like an idiot, basically.

tattygrl · 22/09/2023 11:49

Hmm, this seems really shit. It's not the fact of him going with his dad, or changing plans in itself, but having done a big build up to it, let you arrange childcare etc., then mess you around and tell you one thing then doing another. It's a piss take and doesn't show much consideration for you.

If he had a genuine reason for going with his dad, why wouldn't he tell you that? He wouldn't even have to go into specific detail if it's a private thing, but it would be respectful and kind to give you some context and explanation.

I'd be pretty unimpressed with this and would definitely be having a conversation about it, and considering if this is someone I want to be with.

theduchessofspork · 22/09/2023 11:49

Unless there is a good explanation, which you should ask about, I would assume he only wants you in his life on his own terms. So not a keeper.

TheLuckyOnes · 22/09/2023 11:51

GodDammitCecil · 22/09/2023 10:56

He’s just not that into you.

Please - ensure your contraception is water tight.

This would be my reading of it.

GingerIsBest · 22/09/2023 11:52

What an absolute wanker. I'd be livid. Cancelling dinner on the day is bad enough, but a whole weekend away!? Are you supposed to be going to France to watch RWC? In which case, even worse.

Also agree with PP - the "girlfriend got him into financial difficulties" is a massive massive red flag.

LoobyDop · 22/09/2023 11:52

DeepDishCookie78 · 22/09/2023 11:46

I think a lot of people have just echoed exactly what I’ve been thinking but I’m just so scared of not having him in my life anymore. I had such bad anxiety before I met him and on the one hand, he has let me down A LOT even when he knows how upset it makes me but he has also helped me a lot with my anxiety and encouraged me to go out and do things by myself and I’ve made such a lot of progress, I think I’m just scared I’m going to go back downhill without him having some sort of presence in my life if that makes sense?!

He’s not a presence in your life that you can rely on though, is he? Not if he doesn’t feel like it at the last minute. You’d be better off knowing he’s not there than having to hang around hoping.

alltoomuchrightnow · 22/09/2023 11:53

That's insane
Run, run, run!

Janieforever · 22/09/2023 11:53

How often do you actually see him op? As in spend time together? And how often do you actually go out together, just the two of you, no child?

PictureConsequences · 22/09/2023 11:57

For me, it's the cancelling you first and wanting to go alone. Taking his dad is neither here nor there really. Honestly, get rid.

Cockmigrant · 22/09/2023 11:57

No, it's just not on. He knows you went to the effort of arranging childcare and a petsitter.
Forget about the dad thing - initially he said he wanted to go alone. So either he did want to go alone and later asked his dad to go with him or he had decided to go with dad and just lie to you about it.
Basically, he decided he didn't want to go with you. So that tells you all you need to know.
What man gives up the chance of a weekend away with their girlfriend to either go away alone or with their dad?
If there's something more serious going on - such as the dad has been diagnosed with something horrible and this is a last weekend away before treatment begins then he should have said.

I'd be rethinking the relationship.

Adelaff · 22/09/2023 11:58

I would have used the time it took to write this post to write the text telling him to do one.

Nothing about this man is appealing. You deserve better.

BluebellsForest · 22/09/2023 11:58

Over time I'm afraid he will increase your anxiety with his unreliability and attitude, which as he knows you've been struggling with anxiety is really cruel, and possibly manipulative. Plus add in a horrible feeling of dependence on him.

What else helps your anxiety, OP? Can we help you make a plan to get through the next few weeks?

sodthesodoff · 22/09/2023 12:01

DeepDishCookie78 · 22/09/2023 11:46

I think a lot of people have just echoed exactly what I’ve been thinking but I’m just so scared of not having him in my life anymore. I had such bad anxiety before I met him and on the one hand, he has let me down A LOT even when he knows how upset it makes me but he has also helped me a lot with my anxiety and encouraged me to go out and do things by myself and I’ve made such a lot of progress, I think I’m just scared I’m going to go back downhill without him having some sort of presence in my life if that makes sense?!

Think how much better your anxiety will be when you're not constantly worrying whether you're going to be let down or not. Or trying to guess what's going on.

I think you know this. And I think you already know life without this unpredictable man child would be better

Dump him. Do some work on yourself with therapy or there are some great self help books (maybe wise posters can recommend) to help you unpick why you're choosing to stay with someone who gives you anxiety and ensures you are not his priority.

Eyelashesoffire · 22/09/2023 12:02

You really don't need him. YOU'VE made the progress in managing your anxiety. You've pushed yourself out of your comfort zone. The achievements are yours, not his.

He's treating you very badly, this first year is the honeymoon period, it's the best time. If this is as good as it gets, do you really want to stick around for more?

saffronsoup · 22/09/2023 12:06

Garihairy · 22/09/2023 10:30

he has had to move back home for a while because his ex got him into some financial difficulties

Beware the man who blames his ex for whatever. That might not be the case here, but just be aware that this is a potential red flag.

There are limitless threads on here of women blaming their husbands for their poor financial states and many other things that are wrong in their lives. I think it is less a red flag and more that relationships are complicated and most people feel hurt or victimized in some way when a relationship ends. In some cases, the man or woman has been victimized and it isn't a red flag at all.

Hmindr68 · 22/09/2023 12:07

He’s trying to break up with you.

It might be a fair guess that, given what you’ve shared here, he is aware of your emotional dependence on him and can’t bring himself to actually do it.

Needmorelego · 22/09/2023 12:07

@AliOlis I said that originally because almost straight away it was all "bastard, waste of space, how DARE he, blah blah blah" before we had any more information about the situation.
It now sounds like he isn't great boyfriend material.

therealcookiemonster · 22/09/2023 12:07

@DeepDishCookie78 in your shoes I wouldn't waste the weekend. take yourself off somewhere by yourself. treat yourself to a nice massage, fancy dinner... maybe a trip to the cinema. not sure your BF is a keeper tbh.