I don’t know what to do, so so sad

[broekns]

I recently found out I was pregnant. It was unexpected, we weren’t trying and had said we would wait another couple of years before trying. I was living with my partner at the time though we’d only been together a year or so. I really thought he was the right person. I’m 34, he’s 37.

At first he said it was wonderful, he was v happy etc. But just before my 12 week scan he started to change. Very quiet, off with me, annoyed when I felt sick. He came to the 12 week scan then shortly afterwards said he didn’t know how to be a Dad and he will have no part in day to day care so it was up to me what I decide to do. I have since moved out and I’m now 15 weeks pregnant. Haven’t heard from
him in weeks.

I am totally devastated and never thought I would never have a termination but the reality of this is dawning on me. I am fortunate that I own a property (mortgaged) and have an ok job that does have the prospects of progressing… but emotionally this child is very likely not to know their dad. How can I do that to a baby? I feel like I either terminate and destroy myself in the process as it’s not what I want at all, or bring a baby into the world who’s dad has abandoned them? I feel I can’t win at all. I am so so heartbroken. I feel numb to the relationship ending as I can’t even believe he would have planned a life with me only to do this when I am pregnant. His parents have died so my child wouldn’t even have that set of grandparents. I feel I would be bringing a baby into a lonely existence? I have a constant headache due to stress and I don’t know what to do. So devastated.

It sounds very much like you want this baby. You are in a good, stable position. If I were you, I would have the baby.

Rightly or wrongly, I would not put the absentee father on the birth certificate. He would not be welcome in my life, and if he decided he wanted to know his child, he would have to work very hard to prove himself before I agreed.

Better that he has shown who he is now than further down the line. You absolutely can do this without him.

I was bought up by a sole parent, who was great. Seeing some of my friends parents I figured I was lucky to have my one great parent, rather than some of the two parents my friends had. If you want this baby have them. My DC have a bully for a Dad, who they'd probably be better off without. If he's that kind of man then baby is better off without him, that doesn't mean they can't have a good childhood and a happy life. Kids really need one good parent and it sounds like your child already has that. You're already trying to put them first, but you are enough and they will be fine with one loving caring parent raising them.

I was in your shoes but 10 years younger, living at home and not much stability. I got a wardrobe pushed over on me at 12 weeks pregnant and a campaign by his friends telling me to terminate. I walked away. He has been in and out of DS1's life. DS is now 20 and says 'He's not really my dad' all the time as he hasn't been parented by him. DS is very clear who is mum is though I wouldn't change him for the world.

What I would caution against is how you navigate any coparenting situation. I would establish firm boundaries from the start. I didn't and his dad was useless and let DS down quite a lot. I wish I'd just cut him out tbh, not put his name on the birth certificate and not let him yoyo in and out of DS's life. I should have been more protective of DS instead of trying to do 'the right thing' and try facilitating a relationship between them that frankly, that man didn't deserve. Think carefully about that. You'll be okay OP

I’m very pro choice but you absolutely should keep the baby. You seem like you want the baby so much, so I think it would devastate you mentally having a termination, especially so far on as you would need to give birth to it. At 34 this you would need to recover find someone new and then decide to have another baby. That will be a long process. Not having a dad involved is better than having a crappy dad who would make your life a misery. I know it’s scary but you will be ok and sounds like you will make a great mum.

You will get over him one day even if it doesn't seem so now. But you will never forget your baby and possibly never forgive yourself to think especially because of a twat like that..

It sounds like you really want your baby and have been understandably blindsided by this shocking news. I was a single mum, husband left me for another woman when baby was 7 months old and I will not lie, it was tough, it was stressful and it was exhausting in the early years. What you have going for you (although it will not feel like it at the moment) is the time to plan for single parenthood, to build up a support system and to prepare for when your baby comes into the world. I have a dear friend who went through something very similar, he did not want to know when she became pregnant so we all stepped up and did what we could to help. Her mum moved in for a while when the child was born, the rest of us were there for help with shopping, to listen, to take the little one out for walks so mum could rest. As the child grew we of course changed how we helped, I would do nursery pick ups when I could, have them both over to tea once a week so mum got a break from cooking, we also had a baby sitting rota so mum could get out. This child is now 14 and I love having them in my life, I love them as if they were my own. Your baby will be loved by you and by many others who will be there to help you.

It sounds to me like he's just panicking at the responsibility of it all. I agree with the people who say you tell him he is going to be a Dad whether he likes it or not.

Tell him not to worry because you are going to take charge of it all and you'll make sure that it all works but you are going to need his help. That could be practical or it could just be financial or it could be both. And that the child is a long-term responsibility independent of your relationship status,

Point him towards low cost online parenting courses to help him build his confidence https://www.thedadcourse.com/

I know this isn't ideal and he should just step up to the mark. But it sounds like you are going to have to help him do it. I think better to get some support from him if you can, rather than none at all.

Then at least you can know deep down he’s a flake and an absolute cunt.

Honestly, you will be better off without this dead weight around you. Those of us old enough to remember Darren Day saying “I don’t do family” will know that there is something unforgivable and utterly detestable about men like them.

You should feel absolute contempt for him, and feel free to let him experience it.

Oh sweetheart once you get that first smile from your baby at 6-8 weeks old, you will think how could I have ever ever thought maybe you’d be better not here because you don’t have a dad?? I
promise you, you are enough. I’m cuddling my 18mo to sleep now. I think in a few years you will be so glad this happened, as if it hadn’t he might have continued to future fake you until you realised one day what he was like and by then you’d lost the chance to have children.

claim child support from him. I’d just go through cms rather than talk to him. Call it the asshole tax he more than deserves. But don’t put him on the birth cert, he doesn’t belong there. (Maybe you can’t anyway if he doesn’t come along, just as well) You can tell your child about him.

It may feel like you can’t give this baby what it needs right now but, if you want to keep them, I’m sure you can. Your ex sounds like an absolute prick but don’t let his awful behaviour dictate your life.

Do you think you possibly feel quite lonely at present (completely normal after a break up) and you may be sort of projecting that onto the future you imagine for your baby?

Families come in all shapes and sizes, we’re sold the idea of a nuclear family but it doesn’t have to be like that for children to be happy. Children just need to be loved and cared for, you can build a support network with your biological family and friends and they won’t be lonely. You won’t be lonely forever either, you’ll come through this and things will get better - they always do.

If I were you, and I wanted to keep the baby I'd do it without him. It will be a hell of a lot easier without him imo.

Just make sure to give the baby YOUR surname & don't put the father on the birth cert, otherwise it will give him rights. 🙄

You sound like you’ll be an amazing Mum and that you’re in a financial position to cope too. Babies just need love and you can offer so much of that. I’m sorry you’re going through this but your baby will never know any difference and you have more than enough love to give, not to need to worry that an absent Dad will impact negatively on your child. Nothing in life is certain and something like this could have happened after the birth of your child, you sound like you desperately want this baby and you’re dealing with a lot, don’t terminate the pregnancy due to fear of your baby not having an involved Dad when it’s so clear that you want to have your baby. You’ve absolutely got this, draw on the support of your friends and family and I hope in time you’re able to feel excited again. It sounds like your baby will be very lucky to have you as their Mum.

He can't be put on the birth certificate unless he consents

I wish the default wasn't that we killed our babies. We need more support,

Not looking for an excuse, but do you know what his relationship with his father is like, or was like as a child? Because it seems to be a bit of a pattern between generations that boys with disrupted relationships with their fathers can't process the idea of becoming fathers themselves, and they sometime react by opting out.
It won't help you, of course. Just perhaps to know that it's nothing to do with you or your child.

there are countless women who’ve ended up raising children on their own, even when married and a legal partner who was committed to having a child at the time.
it is most often separation or divorce
pit can more rarely happen in event of partner dying
and it happens frequently due to legal partners becoming so ill that they cannot fully engage with being a parent . In my case exh develop psychotic illness and I was effectively a single parent, sole breadwinner . He was like a shadow living in the house but no engagement with life or his family

I am not usually a big supporter of women having kids when an abortion seems more sensible. But you clearly want a child, and are asking if you could do it alone? Yes you can, it won’t be as easy as having 2 parents. But just because you start with 2 parents at time of birth, for many women you can still end up as single parent.

Your baby already exists with their own collection of genetics that have determined how they will look, their personality - I had five sons and their personalities were evident almost from birth as they were so similar as babies to how they are now as grown men. Once you meet him/her you will never regret it. But if you have a termination you almost certainly will. I say that be because you clearly want this baby. Don’t let the idiot man child rob you of what will be the best relationship of your life - or one of them if you go on to have other children.

It's such a sad situation for you, but I think you would regret it if you terminated your pregnancy.
Your baby will have a loving mum, and that's more than some children have.

Sometimes I wish I hadn’t known my dad. Your baby will be fine w just you.

You can do this @broekns

You really can xx

I'm sorry about your partner reacting this way - that's terrible. You said in your post that terminating is not what you want at all so sounds like you already know what you want. You have a home and a good job so baby will have a nice cosy upbringing. My father wasn't around when I was growing up but would I ever say I wish I wasn't born because my Dad wasn't and still isn't around? Absolutely not! Your baby will have a loving caring mother and a wonderful chance at life! Congratulations on your baby!

@broekns
Many children grow up without contact with their fathers and many more group with deceased grandparents. Obviously, it is great when they have both, but the absence of one or both does not condemn the child to a lonely and unhappy life.

If you are capable of being a good and supportive parent then you should decide if you are going to have to make a decision. If you decide that you can not be a good and supportive parent, how then are you any different than your former partner? You would be making the same decision.

Not an easy decision to make, but be honest with yourself as to why you are making your decision. There is no inherently right or wrong decision only one that is right or wrong for you.

You aren’t harming your baby. You are going to provide a wonderful loving home for them.

Yes you have to reframe what your family will look like, but I know some lovely people who had lone single parents growing up.

Men often don't become fathers until they see their child. It sounds like he's scared, but an abortion isn't the answer if you want and love your child.

By having this baby you're giving them life, and therefore hope.

An abortion will end all hope. I had one in similar circumstances and it devastated my life.

Wow, that’s quite a statement. For those that regard abortion as necessary to women health care , it is based on a knowledge that a baby doesn’t come into being until birth. Up until then it is not automatically viable independent of the pregnant women. For the time period this OP is discussing it is a foetus - the correct medical term.

using terms like “killing our babies “ is anti choice language. Designed to cause emotional stress on women struggling with difficult decision. Well done 👏👏👏🙄

do you mourn the loss that you’ve killed all your embryos that youve flush down loo with your period over the fertile years of your life , or the foetus that you also flush away at less than a few weeks old, becuase you don’t know you’ve conceived and it isn’t viable? What point do those embryos and foetus become babies in your mind? Frankly it’s a rhetorical question as I know a foetus is not a baby.

You do you. Stop passing judgy language down to others.