I don’t know what to do, so so sad

[broekns]

I recently found out I was pregnant. It was unexpected, we weren’t trying and had said we would wait another couple of years before trying. I was living with my partner at the time though we’d only been together a year or so. I really thought he was the right person. I’m 34, he’s 37.

At first he said it was wonderful, he was v happy etc. But just before my 12 week scan he started to change. Very quiet, off with me, annoyed when I felt sick. He came to the 12 week scan then shortly afterwards said he didn’t know how to be a Dad and he will have no part in day to day care so it was up to me what I decide to do. I have since moved out and I’m now 15 weeks pregnant. Haven’t heard from
him in weeks.

I am totally devastated and never thought I would never have a termination but the reality of this is dawning on me. I am fortunate that I own a property (mortgaged) and have an ok job that does have the prospects of progressing… but emotionally this child is very likely not to know their dad. How can I do that to a baby? I feel like I either terminate and destroy myself in the process as it’s not what I want at all, or bring a baby into the world who’s dad has abandoned them? I feel I can’t win at all. I am so so heartbroken. I feel numb to the relationship ending as I can’t even believe he would have planned a life with me only to do this when I am pregnant. His parents have died so my child wouldn’t even have that set of grandparents. I feel I would be bringing a baby into a lonely existence? I have a constant headache due to stress and I don’t know what to do. So devastated.

Op of you want this baby then there is no reason why your baby can't have a wonderful life.

So what if the dad doesn't want to be involved, YOU DO.

Many parents all over the world have very happy one parent families.

Remember your hormones are making everything feel so much more intense.

You are pregnant, you want this baby, you can do it with or without him. He had to pay for his child also. All you can do is what you want to do.

If that dad passed away would you still have the baby alone because if that's a yes then there really is no question here. But in the other side if you don't want to be a single parent then there is no shame in having a termination but by the sounds of it this baby is going to be greatly loved by you

Your baby will have you and that is all they will need, I have been in your exact position with my youngest child and although it’s hard having nobody to share the tough times with (teenage years now), the good times outweigh all of that. How can you miss what you don’t know anyway! You can do this if it’s definitely what you want 💐

Also forgot to say I know several of my friends whose parents were together but they had an awful childhood filled with fights and all sorts and they wished for their parents to separate so please don't feel that your baby's child not having a dad is the end of the world because it really isn't

My niece has never met her dad. He left my sister when she was pregnant. She didn't pursue him for maintenance and left the issue of contact up to him. He never made contact. My niece is now 13. She lives with my sister and her husband - a man who my niece refers to as Dad and who has been around since she was a toddler. She has a very annoying (according to her) brother who is 9. She has 2 cats and a lizard and is full of life, love and fun. She knows her dad isn't her bio-dad but has shown no interest in finding out more.

Your baby won't be lonely for life. If you want the baby then keep the baby and fill his or her life with love - the shitty dude who walked out on his offspring can get to fuck!

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I really think you should keep it and termination would break you forever, as you said yourself you want the baby very much. Being afraid of being a single mother is very much natural but you don’t know what future holds for you. Dont take this chance away from your baby because of HIS actions. Focus on your pregnancy, enjoy it, embrace it as much as possible with broken heart. You will never be pregnant for the first time again and will never get this time back. 🌸

Don't abort. You don't want to and you sound like the MOST loving and caring parent already. You are considering you unborn baby's needs above your own already, and just on that basis, your baby will have more than enough in you.

I agree that your ex should get one final call/message along the lines of what other poster's have suggested. You are going to be a father whether you like it or not, so you have to decide what kind of a father you will be. Make it clear that you won't tolerate him dicking about coming in and out of the baby's life depending on his mood/latest girlfriend etc. He has to commit to being involved or not. And FWIW, if he chooses not to be involved, this doesn't rule out a future relationship with the baby/child. It does sound like he has got cold feet and may well change his mind when the baby is born. It's up to YOU whether you tolerate a U Turn from him if it happens.

And in the meantime, think of all the fantastic, well adjusted children/teens/adults that were raised by one GOOD parent. It's not what you planned, but it's also not a disaster. One good parent is ample.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Give yourself permission to get excited.

Your baby will be loved. It doesn't matter so much who by.

Also, just to add that you will be less lonely than you think with a baby. I remember being petrified of being on my own in hospital with my baby and also when my husband worked away abroad. I didn't. I had company with this beautiful little person that I already felt like I knew. It was really comforting.

Do some relaxation exercises. Download the calm app. Buy a blue tooth sleep mask to listen to sleep stories from the calm app at night. Have a cup of tea. Then see if you have any friends to go out with you and go and treat yourself either to something nice, or something nice for your baby. Allow yourself to feel excited about this. You deserve to look forward to the arrival of your baby. Your baby deserves for you to feel excited about it. You deserve to start to plan for it and look forward to your new life ahead. I think that you do know what you are doing OP. And now I think that you have the strength to go forward with your new adjusted plans.

Find ways to relax
Create a support network of friends and family
Create a support network of other pregnant ladies by joining the NCT or a prenatal relaxation group
Talk to your midwife or Dr about how you feel
Do something nice to cheer yourself up

And continue to come back and seek support from the lovely mums here!

I am sorry that your ex has turned out to be such a dick, but you know what, his loss.

From all you have said here, I think you want your baby and I think you could very well regret terminating.

You don't need him - you and your baby will be just fine. Just make sure the fucker pays maintenance.

He could have got cold feet when the baby was here, or you would have got fed up with him being a shit dad - and you wouldn't have 'sent the baby back' then.

He's not worth another single one of your tears. Imagine not being ready to be a dad at 37.

Though I do know a man whose DC is the result of a one night stand. He was around the same age and did not want to be a dad - afaik he disputed it for a year or a couple of years when his child was a baby. He eventually did grow up and accepted his child, and loves them dearly. His DC is now an adult.

Look after yourself.

I would encourage him to play a role. Being a single mother is not glamourous nor easy. Don't let him get away with zero responsibilities.

@broekns it might help you to think about what your baby will know, not what you had and want your baby to have but won’t. Your love for this baby is coming through in waves.. your child will have you. whilst you will feel sad about the dad not being involved your child won’t know any different.
As they grow they will see all sorts of families around them. And you can tell them that families come in different shapes and sizes and this is yours.

Try not to focus on what your baby won’t have and think about all the things they will have. To be unconditionally loved and wanted by your mum is a really great start, even if that is different from the start you had dreamt of.

Wishing you all the best. X

So much easier to be a single parent than to have an erratic dad on the scene.

How are your friends and parents?

It helps to have someone who'll visit while you nap or shower occasionally, in the early days.

I'm so sorry. I don't believe a child having no dad ruins their life. I know many wonderful people who didn't know their dad and one whose mum died. Some of my favourite people have dad's who lived with then but did nothing with the family, they were invisible. I personally had no grandparents and you don't miss what you never knew.

This is really about you and needs to be simple. Do you want a baby? If so, would you get another chance or is this the time? Do you have a way to make it work? And on balance what do you prefer?

Regarding your ex, I think he'll want to see the baby sometimes when he grows up a bit!

I was a single mum, his dad never wanted to know ( has never seen/met/spoken to him), it was hard but that child now has his own family. He was never lonely, he called my husband his dad, the person who stepped up and is a dad to him. Kids don’t need people in their lives that don’t want to be there for them. You will be fine, your child will have you. Good luck , enjoy your child x

OP, there are single women who deliberately conceive a baby using a sperm donor and plan to be single mothers.

People have differing views on the morality of that, i.e. deliberately conceiving a child without a father, but I think, or at least hope, most people would agree that they love their babies and want to raise them to have the best life possible.

You haven't deliberately conceived a child without a father. You are pregnant, without it necessarily being planned but without either of you having taken steps to actively prevent it, with a man you were living with and planned to have children with some day. He, unfortunately, has changed his mind after the event. You can't do anything about that, but it is not your fault.

Now think about the kind of life you can give a baby. Think about the practicalities of where you will live, how long you will be able to take off for maternity leave, what sort of childcare you envisage afterwards, whether or not you have support from friends and family to help you raise your child, and if you don't, how you can go about finding a village for yourself. Imagine yourself and your baby, living together, spending Christmas together, imagine yourself feeding and clothing that baby and taking them to school and helping them with their homework and going on holiday and to the beach and trips to the petting zoo.

Imagine the kind of life you think you can realistically give your child, and then ask yourself whether you genuinely think it would be better for that child not to be born. Because personally I doubt there is anything about the life that you would have together that would make your child wish they had never been born.

There are plenty of perfectly happy children being raised perfectly well by single parents. There's no reason why that can't be you, if you want to go ahead with this.

It is absolutely understandable that you are having these thoughts and feelings, and I'm so sorry for the loss of your relationship and how hurt you feel.

However, it isn't objectively cruel to bring your baby into the world without a guarantee they'll know their father. Babies are born into and flourish in all different types of families! They only know what they've always known, and you absolutely have the ability (and clearly, the love and care) to create a beautiful, loving and stable life for this child, with or without a father figure.

You and your baby will be fine.

Build up a strong support network now - friends and family, neighbours and workmates. Tell them how scared you are of being a single mum. Accept any help you are offered.

In five years time, when your little one will be starting school, you'll look back on this time of anxiety and sadness and realise it wasn't actually the end of the world, but the start of a new adventure.

OP, if you really want this baby, please do not abort because of him. He is a coward and I promise you or your baby do not need him. I’m a single mother to the most wonderful 14 month old and she has never met her ‘father’, nor will she ever. I am never lonely with her, she brings me such joy every single day and is by far the best thing that ever happened to me. Yes it has been a challenge but motherhood generally is, whether dad is present or not. You can 100% do it without him and your baby is far better off with only one parent who loves and adores them than with two but one who doesn’t give a shit.

Of course it’s not a terrible thing! Far from it! You will be more than enough xx Put this pathetic man out of your head. Focus on yourself and baby and your future.

At 34, with a decent job and a mortgage, you should have the baby if that’s what you want.

You are going to be a single parent, but plenty of kids grow up like that and they’re fine.

Time is not on your side for delaying children, so don’t let this plonker muck up your life any further. Pull in all the support you can, and turn away from him and his drama to the future as a unit of two.

Don’t allow anyone to persuade you he might come round, as that just extends the drama. He may have some sort of role, but don’t worry about that right now, focus on you and the baby. Go and see CAB re making a financial claim on him.

Single parent here- just popping in to share my story. Pregnant at 40, total shock, the father wanted no part of any of it though I loved him and hoped it would work out. I decided to go it alone, helped by the fact that I have two fantastic parents who stepped up amazingly. That little boy is now a strapping 17 year old and he is the love of my life. I cannot imagine how my life would be without him. Yes, it was heartbreaking and yes it was tough but so, so worth it.

I'm the child in this situation. My dad bailed when my mum was pregnant with me. Actually it turned out he was already engaged to someone else and mum was unwittingly the OW. She was much younger than you are, still living at home and honestly in her shoes I'd have probably terminated but she didn't.

It was hard for her and it will be hard for you no doubt, your child (should you choose to continue the pregnancy) will have questions down the line about their dad and as the parent who is present you'll be the one who needs to try to answer those questions and deal with the feelings of abandonment and rejection which sadly will probably happen.

All that said, I'm nearly 40, my bio dad has never reappeared in my life and while I've had times when I was much younger that I had a lot of hurt regarding it I've processed that with the help of my mum and I'm a happy, successful, well adjusted adult. The only feelings I have for him now are disdain and pity at what a weak character he is. I can honestly say if he tried to contact me now I would decline, he's irrelevant to my life.
I have a great relationship with my mother, my stepdad and my (half) sister. This situation is not irretrievable you can make it work if you truly want to and your child will be far from the only one in a one parent family.

I wouldn't judge you for choosing to terminate if it's what YOU feel is right for you, but don't do it just because of his bad choices if in reality you want the baby because you will be the one to live with that regret.
Also, he can choose not to be around but you can still claim for financial support from him and I absolutely would.

He sounds callous OP.
I think at 15 weeks and knowing you want to be a mother, you should have the baby. This might be your only chance, you say you're 34, so go for it xx

@broekns

You have not said how much support you would get from your family.

Firstly, congratulations!

Secondly, you can do this, mostly because you want this. Thousands of people grow up with only one parent, me included and it’s not the end of the world. My mam was my absolute world, as you will be to your little one. I know it hurts that you’ve had your future turned upside down by this idiot, but you sound like a strong woman who will be an amazing parent and role model.