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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Huge fall out with parents involving DC - am I wrong?

364 replies

Chocpot1986 · 21/09/2023 15:08

Hi all,

Will try and keep it as brief as possible but need an outside outlook on this.

Last week was at my parents with my 3YO DS. He had a massive meltdown when it was time to go home, screaming and crying, getting himself in a state. However just before going home my Mum had got a game out to play with him so naturally he was reluctant to go when it was time. My Dad idolises my DC but doesn’t have a lot of patience when he starts to become a handful. My Dad started swearing a bit and getting annoyed which I asked him not to do. I was very calm and didn’t say much whilst my DS sat on my lap. My DS is still screaming and crying. We were upstairs at this point then moved downstairs. My Dad wanted my DS to put his shoes on so he could walk him to our car (their normal routine when we leave) but DS didn’t want to at that point. My Dad proceeded to be handsy with DS and get him by the arm and pull him towards the sofa - at which point I went berserk and told my Dad to stop it and that he will not do that to my son. Me and my DB used to get a few wallops as kids but I don’t want that for my son. My Mum entered the room and instead of defending me says “well DS shouldn’t be behaving like this”. My Dad did apologise straight away but I was too livid to acknowledge it because he then tells me “you’re too soft”. My Mum is sitting on the sofa trying to comfort my son, starts to cry telling me I have upset her. This made me burst into tears and get very cross whilst asking her what on earth have I done? and we then left the house whilst my DC is sobbing and so am I. My Mum does have a tendency to be a cow at times but still blame the other person. More than once in an argument she is wrong but can’t acknowledge it.

Anyway fast forward a week and I have heard absolutely nothing from them. No message, phone call, knock on the door nothing. Radio silence and it has completely hurt me. I can’t comprehend how you could see your child so upset, know you are the cause and not give it a day, then get in touch? They have both always said if there were a falling out between us they would sort it out, come knock on the door blah blah but yet….zilch.

Generally they are good parents. Had our ups and downs over the years and have butted heads more than once but had a good upbringing overall and a good enough relationship with them now.

What do I do? Continue to leave it or is life too short for this and get in touch with them? I just feel I am not in the wrong here and for once I don’t want to back down from what I am feeling.

Please no nasty replies.
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Talkwhilstyouwalk · 22/09/2023 22:13

*and calmly address

Original poster
Chocpot1986 · 22/09/2023 22:15

Frazzledmummy123 · 22/09/2023 22:09

I'm glad you got things sorted out with your parents.

I have had experiences similar situations with my parents, mainly when my kids were younger. They wouldn't be able to cope if any of them had a tantrum. My mum constantly over stimulated them by constantly overwhelming them with games and toys. A different toy would be brought out every minute, and then they wouldn't be able to handle the fall out from all the overexcitement.

Ignore all the perfect parents on here with their perfect families.

Honestly are we related? Hehe. It’s hard right? I said to my Mum earlier I don’t want to stop the fun, my gosh I want them to have a good relationship with their grandson and the more love he has the better. But like you say, if you’re gonna bring out all the toys and chocolate etc then be prepared to deal with the fall out. It can’t be sunshine and roses all the time. Kids tantrum. But I think parent forget what it’s like 😆

The perfect parents on here make me chuckle because it’s a load of shit what their saying - these parents do not exist.

OP posts:
Peacendkindness · 22/09/2023 22:19

I’m glad you’ve managed to resolve it.

it’s difficult to see someone’s intentions as a one off
eg. If my mother got out a game and then they couldn’t play and got upset - for her knowing her this would be intentional from her to upset them whereas another person’s mum might not realise and be really upset about it etc

You’ve cleared the air and hopefully things will be ok moving forward

Original poster
Chocpot1986 · 22/09/2023 22:19

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 22/09/2023 22:12

Oh dear OP. Despite the drama, it sounds like there is a lot of love between you all. I'd call them up, have a chat the calmly address the elephant in the room by kindly asking that they leave tantrums for you to deal with in the future. Then seek to move on. Life is too short, but equally you should get to parent in your own way.....

There is soo much love. That’s nice you picked up on that. I have sorted it with them now. I posted on here as I was just hurt and upset and needed to vent I guess. But it is short and I do love them dearly as they do me 🤗

OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 22/09/2023 22:19

Now you have reflected you know they find it difficult to be the adult when a 3yr old is playing up you can be aware in future you may have to manage them as well as parent. Bit annoying as you hope for support rather than having to manage their emotions.

Original poster
Chocpot1986 · 22/09/2023 22:20

Boomboom22 · 22/09/2023 22:19

Now you have reflected you know they find it difficult to be the adult when a 3yr old is playing up you can be aware in future you may have to manage them as well as parent. Bit annoying as you hope for support rather than having to manage their emotions.

Most definitely. I am going to have my plans in place haha. Think they have forgotten what a toddler is like lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocpot1986 · 22/09/2023 22:23

There are some really interesting and intuitive people on this thread. I do appreciate your input🙂

OP posts:
Greeneyedmonster · 22/09/2023 22:41

It sounds like you all love each very much and you all just handled this situation badly. Try to put it behind you whilst being mindful going forward.

tkwal · 22/09/2023 22:50

Oh I see, it's OK for YOU to use capital letters when you wish to emphasise your point now...or did I just rub off on you ? 😁 seriously though, good to hear you got it sorted

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/09/2023 22:53

OP every single thread about family disputes like this will trigger a pile-on of people talking about "drama" in a deliberately disingenuous way, as if any argument or even a debate is to be avoided at all costs for fear of rocking the boat. Ignore these people. Most of them are terrified of confronting real emotions.

Your post reminded me a little of my own parents: (both now deceased). Like yours they were fundamentally good people and loved me but flawed as parents, both drinkers and both (in different ways) bad at emotional self-regulation. I had more situations like this than I had hot dinners.

I'm not going to say whether you should apologise or not: you have to go with your gut on this and if you don't feel ready to apologise, you shouldn't.

What I would say is that from my own experience sometimes people will not appear to acknowledge a situation like this and will try to front it out but will actually take a lot of it on board. I used to confront my dad about his drinking for years and he would always tell me to mind my own business but he did have an epiphany in later life and reined it in significantly. Don't assume that because they appear not to hear you that they're not listening.

Your handling of this situation will definitely have registered with them. It may take them a few days or even weeks to reckon with themselves and process it but they will. I think when the time comes be graceful about it but know that you will have made an impact on them.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 22/09/2023 22:59

I had something similar last week.

I think they are in the wrong here. I'd wait for them to be in touch..

Luckily for me my dad had heard the first altercation and even said to me mum was tired (as if that justifies what she says to me) but out argument escalated. It's sort of resolved but I was not happy at the time and said I was sick of her always doing this. I think since having kids I got a bit of a backbone so don't tolerate being told off anymore!

It'll blow over but I think you're in the right.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 22/09/2023 23:01

Ah I see it's resolved. That's good :)

Sueveneers · 22/09/2023 23:01

Glad that it's sorted now but it's a pity you couldn't have de-escalated the situation by delaying leaving and saying 'ok one game and then we go'. That would have been a good compromise and he could have calmed down and you could have stayed for half an hour or so.

WavyLines11 · 22/09/2023 23:04

Glad you got it sorted op.

I mean none of us are perfect human beings, emotions get the better of us sometimes! The main thing is you and your parents have been able to talk it through and hopefully learn from it Flowers

Original poster
Chocpot1986 · 22/09/2023 23:07

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/09/2023 22:53

OP every single thread about family disputes like this will trigger a pile-on of people talking about "drama" in a deliberately disingenuous way, as if any argument or even a debate is to be avoided at all costs for fear of rocking the boat. Ignore these people. Most of them are terrified of confronting real emotions.

Your post reminded me a little of my own parents: (both now deceased). Like yours they were fundamentally good people and loved me but flawed as parents, both drinkers and both (in different ways) bad at emotional self-regulation. I had more situations like this than I had hot dinners.

I'm not going to say whether you should apologise or not: you have to go with your gut on this and if you don't feel ready to apologise, you shouldn't.

What I would say is that from my own experience sometimes people will not appear to acknowledge a situation like this and will try to front it out but will actually take a lot of it on board. I used to confront my dad about his drinking for years and he would always tell me to mind my own business but he did have an epiphany in later life and reined it in significantly. Don't assume that because they appear not to hear you that they're not listening.

Your handling of this situation will definitely have registered with them. It may take them a few days or even weeks to reckon with themselves and process it but they will. I think when the time comes be graceful about it but know that you will have made an impact on them.

This is a really interesting comment thank you x

OP posts:
Newbiemama24 · 22/09/2023 23:16

I have to agree here. You all sound a bit dramatic to be honest. The only one who's unregulated emotions can be absolved is your 3yo. Your dad was probably feeling frustrated as many people would. You were upset at his reaction and feeling flustered trying to calm your child down. Your mum was probably upset at the whole debacle. None of it was helpful. Life is too short. Show each other grace. Let it go.

Pengwuin · 22/09/2023 23:17

YANBU. I can certainly relate as I’m currently not talking to my parents because of a massive f up the day before my wedding, which could have been easily avoided if they followed instructions. My mum also hates apologising/admitting she’s wrong, so I guess we just won’t ever talk again because she refuses to take any responsibility. Joy…

Original poster
Chocpot1986 · 22/09/2023 23:26

Newbiemama24 · 22/09/2023 23:16

I have to agree here. You all sound a bit dramatic to be honest. The only one who's unregulated emotions can be absolved is your 3yo. Your dad was probably feeling frustrated as many people would. You were upset at his reaction and feeling flustered trying to calm your child down. Your mum was probably upset at the whole debacle. None of it was helpful. Life is too short. Show each other grace. Let it go.

It is all resolved now, updated the thread earlier and have done just that, let it go. It was a family bust up, no purposeful dramatics.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocpot1986 · 22/09/2023 23:28

Pengwuin · 22/09/2023 23:17

YANBU. I can certainly relate as I’m currently not talking to my parents because of a massive f up the day before my wedding, which could have been easily avoided if they followed instructions. My mum also hates apologising/admitting she’s wrong, so I guess we just won’t ever talk again because she refuses to take any responsibility. Joy…

Oh am sorry to read that. It is hard I know, it’s always these events, weddings, funerals etc when it all bloody kicks off and family start acting ridiculous. You sometimes think can you not just behave for one day.

OP posts:
stichguru · 22/09/2023 23:30

I agree with others, none of the adults really behaved well here. It's not good that your dad was yanking your son roughly. However, presuming your dad isn't abusive to your child normally, there was nothing happening needing you to "go berserk" and probably scare your son further. You then made it clear you dad upset you, and did not acknowledge that he was sorry and hadn't meant to cause offence. That again isn't wrong, but connected to what happened before, I think it kind of says that you don't really want your dad around your kid, so he probably feels like you think he's evil and don't want him around. I think YOU need to reach out and apologise for YOUR reaction, make it clear to your dad that, while you don't want him to treat you son, your reaction was OTT. Then you need to talk about how you DO want you parents to discipline your son. Let me make it clear that I don't think it sounds like your dad was doing the right thing, and I agree that I wouldn't want someone treating my child like that either, but to treat someone who loves you child, and just isn't parenting like you think is best, the same as you would someone who you suspected was trying to hurt your child, is NOT ok.

AutumnSalad · 22/09/2023 23:30

I have found that in general, more than one adult around a child who is having a big crying fit/tantrum is a recipe for disaster. So I always take my child to a place away, or tell others to leave the room. And then I just sit quietly, with no talking or pressure until my child calms and can handle a hug.

Like you’ve seen OP, a child’s tantrum can really trigger us as adults. And in the middle of it, that child loses their sense of security. Because they can see that their scary emotions trigger their parents/grandparents scary emotions.

All those things you are feeling are valid, that your Dad should not have handled him, your mum should not have talked about herself, and even that you are the mother should have centred her child and protected him, and not got emotional either. You have reflected on your own childhood.

However here, and now, you can put a huge full stop and make sure your child just has calm you in a next tantrum, and everyone else is told quite firmly to leave the room.

ZestFest · 22/09/2023 23:37

Oh blimey, go round, take cake, ask for a cuppa - talk it through if possible. It is all very dramatic.

Original poster
Chocpot1986 · 22/09/2023 23:39

ZestFest · 22/09/2023 23:37

Oh blimey, go round, take cake, ask for a cuppa - talk it through if possible. It is all very dramatic.

This word dramatic is driving me mad now 😂😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocpot1986 · 22/09/2023 23:39

ZestFest · 22/09/2023 23:37

Oh blimey, go round, take cake, ask for a cuppa - talk it through if possible. It is all very dramatic.

It is all resolved now anyhoo

OP posts:
likethislikethat · 22/09/2023 23:56

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