Huge fall out with parents involving DC - am I wrong?

[Chocpot1986]

Hi all,

Will try and keep it as brief as possible but need an outside outlook on this.

Last week was at my parents with my 3YO DS. He had a massive meltdown when it was time to go home, screaming and crying, getting himself in a state. However just before going home my Mum had got a game out to play with him so naturally he was reluctant to go when it was time. My Dad idolises my DC but doesn’t have a lot of patience when he starts to become a handful. My Dad started swearing a bit and getting annoyed which I asked him not to do. I was very calm and didn’t say much whilst my DS sat on my lap. My DS is still screaming and crying. We were upstairs at this point then moved downstairs. My Dad wanted my DS to put his shoes on so he could walk him to our car (their normal routine when we leave) but DS didn’t want to at that point. My Dad proceeded to be handsy with DS and get him by the arm and pull him towards the sofa - at which point I went berserk and told my Dad to stop it and that he will not do that to my son. Me and my DB used to get a few wallops as kids but I don’t want that for my son. My Mum entered the room and instead of defending me says “well DS shouldn’t be behaving like this”. My Dad did apologise straight away but I was too livid to acknowledge it because he then tells me “you’re too soft”. My Mum is sitting on the sofa trying to comfort my son, starts to cry telling me I have upset her. This made me burst into tears and get very cross whilst asking her what on earth have I done? and we then left the house whilst my DC is sobbing and so am I. My Mum does have a tendency to be a cow at times but still blame the other person. More than once in an argument she is wrong but can’t acknowledge it.

Anyway fast forward a week and I have heard absolutely nothing from them. No message, phone call, knock on the door nothing. Radio silence and it has completely hurt me. I can’t comprehend how you could see your child so upset, know you are the cause and not give it a day, then get in touch? They have both always said if there were a falling out between us they would sort it out, come knock on the door blah blah but yet….zilch.

Generally they are good parents. Had our ups and downs over the years and have butted heads more than once but had a good upbringing overall and a good enough relationship with them now.

What do I do? Continue to leave it or is life too short for this and get in touch with them? I just feel I am not in the wrong here and for once I don’t want to back down from what I am feeling.

Please no nasty replies.
Thanks for reading.

@Escapingafter50years May I ask a sensitive question? I too am current NC with my own mother, but finding it so painful and missing her, although I recognise that we cannot have a functional, healthy relationship. How do you navigate these moments of grief and sadness? Or perhaps you don't have these moments?

No obligation to answer, of course.

Always trust your gut! Always
Sounds like you know/feel it is wrong - IT IS!
I would hate to think of my kid anywhere with an impatient person looking after them
To the people who think this could be resolved with " a chat" dream on
When people show you who they are - BELIEVE THEM! and run for the hills

As an outsider I'd start unpicking what went wrong without apportioning blame - in a nutshell it snowballed & got out of hand.

So next time everyone should know what time you plan to leave, treat the half hour before then as putting toys etc away/wind down time then the little one gets to know the drill. I remember having to make the most boring things fun like fetching shoes, putting them on, fetching coat, putting it on etc - all to keep little one occupied & smiling. No point shouting at them, they don't respond positively. Your parents need to learn the 'what does mummy say' routine because ultimately you're his parent and they should always follow your rules where your little one is concerned, not do or say the opposite. A big no no is discussing things in the child's presence, that goes for everyone. My daughter in law does this all the time and I cringe, the little ones' faces say it all.

It might be a bit awkward sometimes cos you might disagree with how your parents did some things when you were growing up and maybe you don't want to repeat them with your child (nothing harsh or harmful) but being a parent is a constant learning curve and you know your boy better than anyone xx

Parenthood opens your eyes in no uncertain fashion to the experiences you had as a child. It can be very traumatic, because you realise how little and how powerless you were when you were a child, yet you can also feel torn and guilty because you understand that your parents are just a pair of humans, and you're all used to each other and invested in the relationship.

I highly recommend you buy and read a book called Toxic Parents, by Susan Forward. It might be a good idea to talk things over with a counselor too. Another poster has suggested that your mother may be the real problem here and I think that could be very true. It will be very important for you to learn how to avoid getting triggered and sucked into traumatic situations as you have more encounters with your parents on your own parenting journey. You can learn to recognise situations as they develop, and maintain a stance of quiet, detached authority.

Sounds really dramatic and your child will be dysregulated if all he has around him is dysregulated adults. I think all 3 of you made mistakes and next time a calmer approach would be best. Easy to say, hard to do. If my son tantrums we try to wait calmly for it to pass or we would have picked him up and headed right for the car. Why all the upstairs in their house and then downstairs nonsense? And the crap about he needs to get his shoes on? He was already overwhelmed and it just got made worse. Set clear expectations like we need to put shoes on and say bye to nanny when the timer on my phones goes off, then you leave.

@SheSheSaidHummingbird I don't know how much my answer may be of use to you, but when my "mother" said to me that if I were a proper mother she would have a better relationship with her grandchildren, she went so far over the line that I was sickened by her. She never helped with my children and regularly criticised my parenting and their (perfectly normal) behaviour.

I told my therapist I felt like it was a bereavement and she said it was, I was realising that I had never had the mother an innocent (and in my case also adopted, so she went out of her way to get a baby then was utterly emotionally neglectful) baby deserved and that I never would have such a mother. Ooof.

For years she was difficult, when I brought her places I used to leave massive tips because I was so embarrassed by her behaviour (often racist).

Silent treatment was a regular occurrence, I don't know if I will ever get over the trauma of that even with therapy.

Lots more I could tell you.

I felt obligated to see her (read about Fear, Obligation & Guilt!) but dreaded every time. I was happy to help from a distance and often bought things online to send to her to make her life easier. It's amazing how many of those things "broke". As my therapist pointed out, if you fix the problem then she has nothing to complain and guilt trip you about.

Many many stories, but really, I had no wish to see her after she said something so awful, for me that was my limit. There was correspondence since but she took no accountability. Not only that, her side of the family have cut me off without trying to find out what happened.

I think I was in shock for a couple of months, disbelief a bit longer, then probably resentment and confusion. Calls from flying monkeys would set me back a lot, less so as time passes.

With therapy, podcasts, Stately Homes thread here & other resources, I have learned to insist on respect for myself. I don't feel sad any more at the loss of a relationship with my "mother"; I feel hugely sad for the little girl who deserved so much more.

When the (dwindling numbers of) flying monkeys come at me now, I say "What about me?". If they dismiss that question they also dismiss themselves from my life. I now know that I matter (after more than 50 f*&^%£# years!).

Sorry if this long story is no use to you, I am sad for you that you miss your mother so much. But given what you asked me, on a thread like this, I wonder do you miss the mother you had, or do you miss the mother you deserved?

You know, when I read threads like this - parents criticising their own parents, calling them out of touch, old fashioned, dinosaurs etc - I want to remind people that their own kids will be criticising them for being rubbish parents & grandparents in 30 years time

You don’t think you’re wrong.
They probably don’t think they’re wrong.

Be the better person and call. Chances are they feel as terrible as you do. Or maybe take a treat like some ice cream and go visit.

I doubt your talking to them will do anything but prolong your estrangement - sometimes people just can’t apologise, even when they know they’re in the wrong. Or, if they’re like my family, they’re never wrong (according to them…).

I always thought that the six most important words in the English language were: I admit I made a mistake, but so few people can say them.

If it happens again, then I’d have a conversation with them about it, but hopefully this was a one-off.

They’re human, just like you, just like your little boy. It’s been a week - here’s hoping cooler heads will prevail. ❤️

Well done everyone for joining in with DS tantrum. Gosh that would've added to whatever DS was aiming to get out of the tantrum! Appreciate your DC may have been over tired, but you all adding to that with your behaviour was bad.

Your DC needs to know tantrums get him nothing. Sorry to day this, but you sound like you can't handle your DC, @Chocpot1986

Your parents are old school and your DD is OOO but it's what he knows, he apologised so forgive him.

You need to talk to your mum and dad. None of you look good right now, so forgive, forget and learn.

As a DGP has anyone said how upsetting a 3 year olds melt down tantrum is!
For everyone!
But the more you are around small DCs the better you get at dealing with them - distracting the DC/ knowing what to do or say to resolve it.
That alone would heighten emotions all round.

It’ll all be ok. You’ll be speaking again soon. All sounds like too much unnecessary drama for everyone. Funny how quickly things can escalate isn’t it? 3 is a difficult age. Maybe try using humour or distraction next time. I used to change the focus by pretending to see a mouse crawling under a sofa or supermarket shelf when my kids were paddying and start to look for it. It was magic, especially when all the grown ups started to look too and then the smile would appear on my child’s face. 🐭

Go round today and give your mum & dad a kiss and some choccies. Life’s too short. 😘

Also, I’d have a paddy if someone pulled me away from something I was enjoying.

I think personally; it sounds like your child was being a royal pain in the arse and that you probably are way too soft so I actually understand your dads frustration. I have the opposite problem with my children- my parents are too soft and make situations worse and completely go against what I’ve said.

whilst I think it’s fair for you to have said you’d prefer it if he didn’t grab your child like that. I think you made rather a show of almost making out your dad was abusive and violent by your reaction and I think that’ll be what’s upset your parents. You say they are good parents so you’ve probably made them feel like terrible people when they were fed up of your namby pamby parenting.

Always a touchy subject when trying to raise and deal with your child a certain way and family members have different opinions.
Good on you for stepping in with your dad; I would have flipped my lid as well. It is natural at this age for kids to have tantrums and meltdowns, my son has done it when leaving my parents' house and although my parents try to comfort him, they don't overstep the mark and in the end I am able to calm him down and we leave peacefully with all parties settled.
Your mother shouldn't have got the game out knowing you were due to leave, however she probably was just smitten with her grandson there and made a mistake. My mother has done it, offering my son a pack of chocolate buttons before realising I have said no because he is having dinner first. I point this out to her and she feels bad then but we get around this.
For everyone saying that you are all wrong to be upset/cross around your child and asking stupid questions like, "is the family always this emotional?" They need to realise, OP, that we are human and make mistakes. Emotions can run high for various reasons not mentioned in your post, such as work, tiredness, stress, personal issues. We try to be good role models for our children but sometimes it is normal for us to slip up, even if for five minutes. Don't beat yourself up about that. Just don't let it happen again.
I would do as others have said though and call in without your son. Explain it from your point of view, be firm and stand your ground but don't go in all guns blazing. They obviously love your son as you do, so it would be a shame to sour the relationships over this spat. At the end of the day, YOU are his mother and what you say, goes. They need to understand this.

@Chocpot1986

This word dramatic is driving me mad now 😂😂

It's my absolute pet hate, the use of the word "drama" to shut people down.

I haven't read all the comments but have seen quite a few nasty and insensitive ones. I'm sorry this happened OP and I can understand why you're upset. I think I would call or drop into your parents and just start the ball rolling by saying something like "I'm sorry things got so fraught. Dad, please never manhandle my child like that ever again". In the future, have a definite time that you're going to leave and make sure they know. Give your child plenty of warning too, he may not understand time yet but it's just helpful to say when you've got half an hour to go, quarter of an hour etc.

Strange behaviour?? - really?? How ridiculous! 🙄
All that happened is the Grandad tried to pull the boy towards the sofa in order to put on his shoes because the child was refusing to do what his mother asked him to. Whatever other dynamics may have been in play, I don't think Grandad did anything wrong - he was just trying to help, like many a Grandparent would.
I think you overreacted OP..
Contact your parents and get the situation into perspective.
You obviously alll care about each other. Do it now, while you still have tomorrow 💜

OP you have every right to be annoyed. Aslong as your not ‘handsy’ with your kids and they know that they have absolutely no right to be with your child. I would of lost my mind if anyone had done that to mine wether it’s my own family or not and would absolutely expect an apology. Further more I wouldn’t want to cut them out, their your parents at the end of the day and you only get one set, but it would definitely alter my relationship with them and I certainly wouldn’t be leaving DS alone with them. I’m sorry you’re going through this and it’s up to you if you can be the bigger party and reach out to them but I can fully understand why you are upset and hurt.

👍

“but DS didn’t want to at that point”
This here is the pinnacle moment. Your 3 year old didn’t want to put his shoes on. So you let him control that moment and your father thought the adults should control that moment.

I’d have to agree with him and think this is the problem with a lot of kids now, they’re brought up believing if they don’t want to, they don’t have to. Even the little things like putting shoes on when told really set it up for future attitudes.

Your mother was probably upset because you were accusing her husband of manhandling her grandson who he “idolises”. Very dramatic and I’d imagine he was just trying to gain some control over your tantrumming son.

All very dramatic over a child’s tantrum which will inevitably happen again. Grow up and ring your parents unless you want to damage your relationship further and create more awkwardness. This isn’t a pride standoff. It’s your mum and dad.

Honestly you sound like a complete arse.

Sounded like you were all stressed as your DS was having a meltdown (been there with DS who often hating leaving anywhere).

As pp have suggested, maybe give it another week and then go and visit them if they’ve not made contact.

I think you all said and did things in the heat of the moment that you can all apologise for.

In the middle of a meltdown, trying to force shoes/coat onto DS would have escalated the situation, so he would have been carried to the car without! Your Dad probably made the situation worse but by that stage things were already fraught and tensions high.

I updated yesterday to say it had all been sorted but I will again as there have been lots of new comments.

My Mum and Dad were very apologetic and accept their part completely and so do I. It has all been hashed out. We all love one another it was just a family argument that got out of hand. There are bits and pieces going on in my life that I haven’t posted here. It is a snapshot of a person when they post here.

Glad it’s all been sorted.