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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Huge fall out with parents involving DC - am I wrong?

364 replies

Chocpot1986 · 21/09/2023 15:08

Hi all,

Will try and keep it as brief as possible but need an outside outlook on this.

Last week was at my parents with my 3YO DS. He had a massive meltdown when it was time to go home, screaming and crying, getting himself in a state. However just before going home my Mum had got a game out to play with him so naturally he was reluctant to go when it was time. My Dad idolises my DC but doesn’t have a lot of patience when he starts to become a handful. My Dad started swearing a bit and getting annoyed which I asked him not to do. I was very calm and didn’t say much whilst my DS sat on my lap. My DS is still screaming and crying. We were upstairs at this point then moved downstairs. My Dad wanted my DS to put his shoes on so he could walk him to our car (their normal routine when we leave) but DS didn’t want to at that point. My Dad proceeded to be handsy with DS and get him by the arm and pull him towards the sofa - at which point I went berserk and told my Dad to stop it and that he will not do that to my son. Me and my DB used to get a few wallops as kids but I don’t want that for my son. My Mum entered the room and instead of defending me says “well DS shouldn’t be behaving like this”. My Dad did apologise straight away but I was too livid to acknowledge it because he then tells me “you’re too soft”. My Mum is sitting on the sofa trying to comfort my son, starts to cry telling me I have upset her. This made me burst into tears and get very cross whilst asking her what on earth have I done? and we then left the house whilst my DC is sobbing and so am I. My Mum does have a tendency to be a cow at times but still blame the other person. More than once in an argument she is wrong but can’t acknowledge it.

Anyway fast forward a week and I have heard absolutely nothing from them. No message, phone call, knock on the door nothing. Radio silence and it has completely hurt me. I can’t comprehend how you could see your child so upset, know you are the cause and not give it a day, then get in touch? They have both always said if there were a falling out between us they would sort it out, come knock on the door blah blah but yet….zilch.

Generally they are good parents. Had our ups and downs over the years and have butted heads more than once but had a good upbringing overall and a good enough relationship with them now.

What do I do? Continue to leave it or is life too short for this and get in touch with them? I just feel I am not in the wrong here and for once I don’t want to back down from what I am feeling.

Please no nasty replies.
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Fringebangfringe · 22/09/2023 21:37

You're not the only one suffering with parents like this OP

On another thread from yesterday - people call this a whole generational problem.

It seems pretty common! It's not you, it's them. (Sorry, have no actual advice!)

BurnToastAgain · 22/09/2023 21:40

Fringebangfringe · 22/09/2023 21:37

You're not the only one suffering with parents like this OP

On another thread from yesterday - people call this a whole generational problem.

It seems pretty common! It's not you, it's them. (Sorry, have no actual advice!)

Ageism writ large!

Fringebangfringe · 22/09/2023 21:40

It's so common for women of our age to have mothers like this that there are books on the subject! 🤣

Original poster
Chocpot1986 · 22/09/2023 21:40

Differentstarts · 22/09/2023 21:34

I pull my children up on their behaviour before others have to.

Show quote history

Ouf you must be one of these completely and utterly perfect parents. There are quite a few of these on this thread it would seem.

OP posts:
Fringebangfringe · 22/09/2023 21:41

BurnToastAgain · 22/09/2023 21:40

Ageism writ large!

Show quote history

I'm just saying what I observed on the other thread. It might be helpful to OP :)

Original poster
Chocpot1986 · 22/09/2023 21:41

Fringebangfringe · 22/09/2023 21:40

It's so common for women of our age to have mothers like this that there are books on the subject! 🤣

It’s bonkers really isn’t it, why are people so complex? I might have to have a read of one

OP posts:
Differentstarts · 22/09/2023 21:42

Chocpot1986 · 22/09/2023 21:40

Ouf you must be one of these completely and utterly perfect parents. There are quite a few of these on this thread it would seem.

Show quote history

Thankyou I am 😁

ToWhitToWhoo · 22/09/2023 21:42

I think you were right in principle, and that your parents were unfair to him. I do. however, think that, right or not, you could ideally have controlled yourself a bit better in front of your child. Having you, as well as his grandparents, suddenly become very emotional around him is likely to have upset him even more. Best to phone them and try to sort things out, away from his presence.

Original poster
Chocpot1986 · 22/09/2023 21:45

ToWhitToWhoo · 22/09/2023 21:42

I think you were right in principle, and that your parents were unfair to him. I do. however, think that, right or not, you could ideally have controlled yourself a bit better in front of your child. Having you, as well as his grandparents, suddenly become very emotional around him is likely to have upset him even more. Best to phone them and try to sort things out, away from his presence.

This is really true. Comments like this that are direct but fair I don’t have a problem with. You’re a being direct but you’re not rude and I completely agree with you. I have since sorted things with them and said I definitely got too emotional which I should not of done in front of DS as it probably exacerbated the situ.

OP posts:
Rosebel · 22/09/2023 21:52

Well no one was great in that situation but given your dad apologised straight away I'm not sure why it didn't end there.
You say your dad and DS are close so I wouldn't cut them off. I would go and see them and see if you can all move on and prepare a united front from now on.
I don't know how old your parents are (mine are in their late 70s/early 80s) and I'd hate to think of them dying when we're on bad terms.

Grammarnut · 22/09/2023 21:54

Why did you decide to leave when your DM was playing a game with your DS? Bound to cause friction. Could you not have waited till they finished and then left? The best thing with a child throwing a tantrum is to ignore them - they tend to stop. My DD threw a tantrum in a supermarket when she was three. I walked away, kept her in sight, and let her get on with it. She stopped, got up and looked for me. Never did it again. Might be worth a try - tell your DPs what you are doing, of course.

PollyPut · 22/09/2023 21:56

Given you've called your mum a cow, I hope for your family relations that they don't read this...

Can you get them to come to you next time, and that way you don't have to struggle to get your son out of their house (and no doubt face more tantrums)?

Intriguedbythis · 22/09/2023 21:56

You 100 percent did the right thing babe. Hold your dignified silence and maintain your absolutely correct boundaries and allow them to come to the conclusion that NO one will be getting ‘handsy’ with your son. I am proud of you X

Original poster
Chocpot1986 · 22/09/2023 21:59

PollyPut · 22/09/2023 21:56

Given you've called your mum a cow, I hope for your family relations that they don't read this...

Can you get them to come to you next time, and that way you don't have to struggle to get your son out of their house (and no doubt face more tantrums)?

Gee whizz I can also be a cow at times I’m sure! Much worse things to call a person. In fact my Mum has called me a c* in the past. So please
feel sorry for me😂😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocpot1986 · 22/09/2023 22:00

PollyPut · 22/09/2023 21:56

Given you've called your mum a cow, I hope for your family relations that they don't read this...

Can you get them to come to you next time, and that way you don't have to struggle to get your son out of their house (and no doubt face more tantrums)?

I don’t normally struggle, it was a one off argument that got out of hand. His tantrums are never normally like that either it just escalated. No definitely I would still go back to them and just manage the situation much better 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocpot1986 · 22/09/2023 22:02

Intriguedbythis · 22/09/2023 21:56

You 100 percent did the right thing babe. Hold your dignified silence and maintain your absolutely correct boundaries and allow them to come to the conclusion that NO one will be getting ‘handsy’ with your son. I am proud of you X

Please read some of replies of other Mums on this thread, it is baffling. Thank you for the kind words x

OP posts:
Tonightsthenight91 · 22/09/2023 22:03

What a family of drama queens. Let it go.

PollyPut · 22/09/2023 22:03

Chocpot1986 · 22/09/2023 22:00

I don’t normally struggle, it was a one off argument that got out of hand. His tantrums are never normally like that either it just escalated. No definitely I would still go back to them and just manage the situation much better 😊

Show quote history

Yes but as DC get older, their behaviour can change. If he cried last time he left, he might well do it again.

If you think you can manage it fine next time, then great. But remember if they come to you then there is no drama about having to leave their house, as you don't have to leave.

FluffActually · 22/09/2023 22:05

I think you've come to realise OP that your reaction was out of proportion but that there was good reason for that. I would take the 'break' from your parents to think about setting some firmer boundaries when dealing with them in future. You don't have to make a big song and dance and tell them everything, just mentally prepare yourself for future eventualities since it sounds like your relationship is more complicated than you thought (esp with your mother) and as your son grows it will probably continue to dredge up more stuff. Like, you will know to be watchful for behaviours like pulling out a game shortly before you leave next time, and may be able to nip it in the bud sooner.
Don't feel too bad, we don't know what we don't know! Just try to learn from it.

ToWhitToWhoo · 22/09/2023 22:06

Chocpot1986 · 22/09/2023 20:49

Hello all!

To update, I spoke to both my parents this morning and it has been cleared up. Actually they were very apologetic and accepting that I completely had the right to step in and that it all got out of hand. We ALL accepted our part in it (for the knobs telling me I don’t want to hear that I played a part in it) and that tensions were high and it won’t be happening again. I saw today that a young lady I follow on Instagram has died of cancer - she was 35 and you know what life is too bloody short. Her parents will never get the chance to see her again and here I am not talking to mine.

I know I posted for opinions to be given to me and that is fine but it’s the way some people deliver such a reply and how horribly it’s written, like they have never had an emotion in their life or made a mistake. Sometimes there isn’t a need to be so rude and judgy. But then again I was warned about this website. However there have been some really supportive and helpful comments and I genuinely thank those people
xx

Really glad that you have all sorted things out.

I am very sorry to hear about your friend.

Original poster
Chocpot1986 · 22/09/2023 22:06

PollyPut · 22/09/2023 22:03

Yes but as DC get older, their behaviour can change. If he cried last time he left, he might well do it again.

If you think you can manage it fine next time, then great. But remember if they come to you then there is no drama about having to leave their house, as you don't have to leave.

Show quote history

No I totally appreciate what you are saying. Yes he could well do it again and I said that to them, it’s part and parcel of a 3yo isn’t it I can’t wave a wand and stop him ever tantrumming and they accept that also. But yes always less anxiety when it’s your own home, ironically he would probably get upset that they are then leaving 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocpot1986 · 22/09/2023 22:09

FluffActually · 22/09/2023 22:05

I think you've come to realise OP that your reaction was out of proportion but that there was good reason for that. I would take the 'break' from your parents to think about setting some firmer boundaries when dealing with them in future. You don't have to make a big song and dance and tell them everything, just mentally prepare yourself for future eventualities since it sounds like your relationship is more complicated than you thought (esp with your mother) and as your son grows it will probably continue to dredge up more stuff. Like, you will know to be watchful for behaviours like pulling out a game shortly before you leave next time, and may be able to nip it in the bud sooner.
Don't feel too bad, we don't know what we don't know! Just try to learn from it.

Edited

Thank you that’s a really supportive fair comment. I never really thought about how having your own children makes you evaluate and churn over your own upbringing. It’s honestly so eye opening and emotive isn’t it? It brings up so much. Honestly I think I am so overwhelmed with it sometimes and that paired with making sure I am good Mum.

OP posts:
Frazzledmummy123 · 22/09/2023 22:09

I'm glad you got things sorted out with your parents.

I have had experiences similar situations with my parents, mainly when my kids were younger. They wouldn't be able to cope if any of them had a tantrum. My mum constantly over stimulated them by constantly overwhelming them with games and toys. A different toy would be brought out every minute, and then they wouldn't be able to handle the fall out from all the overexcitement.

Ignore all the perfect parents on here with their perfect families.

Original poster
Chocpot1986 · 22/09/2023 22:11

Rosebel · 22/09/2023 21:52

Well no one was great in that situation but given your dad apologised straight away I'm not sure why it didn't end there.
You say your dad and DS are close so I wouldn't cut them off. I would go and see them and see if you can all move on and prepare a united front from now on.
I don't know how old your parents are (mine are in their late 70s/early 80s) and I'd hate to think of them dying when we're on bad terms.

Tbh when I have reached that point of emotion I need time to simmer. I haven’t forgotten the apology but needed to calm down before acknowledging it and thinking more rationally. That’s just the person I am. It’s all sorted now :)

OP posts:
Talkwhilstyouwalk · 22/09/2023 22:12

Oh dear OP. Despite the drama, it sounds like there is a lot of love between you all. I'd call them up, have a chat the calmly address the elephant in the room by kindly asking that they leave tantrums for you to deal with in the future. Then seek to move on. Life is too short, but equally you should get to parent in your own way.....