To make my 5yo feed herself or go without.

[allcorners]

My dd is 5 in fact 6 next month and never eats her dinner on her own, she will sit there for an hour and barely touch it so I end up feeding it to her just to get it down her.
If I don't she will get down and leave her meals.

Last night I refused to help her saying I wasn't feeding her anymore and she had to eat it herself.
She went without and came down several times after bedtime saying she was hungry and I said thats because you haven't eaten your dinner, you're not having anything else.

Now I feel evil for letting her go hungry. Do I do the same this evening or should I feed her if it means she gets food in her?

What did you do in the end?

Can you bring dinner forward so she's no too tired? Dc often had dinner 4:30/5 around that age.

If she leaves the table without eating because you won't feed her (and I think you're right to stop) then when she comes down hungry just give her the plate (and cutlery!) again. Leave her to it. Rinse and repeat. She'll get the message.

Fucking hell at 6 my youngest DS could pour his own breakfast cereal, put milk in it and take himself to the table to eat it.

Still spoonfeeding an NT 6 year old is unnecessary so no YANBU OP. What you have done is fine, she’ll pick it up very quickly once she gets hungry and no kid ever starved from missing one meal, you can always make sure she has a hearty breakfast.

Just some solidarity op as mine does this as well, he’s 3.5 but sounds as stubborn as yours.

So much self righteous rage here from people saying you should set boundaries, starve her, done her a disservice, do xyz la la la. None of these people have a child like ours. Mine will quite literally sit there all night and not eat if he doesn’t like the food and doesn’t want to. No amount of cajoling, instruction, bribery, reasoning, supper heated up in a Tupperware later would make the blindest bit of difference. He does eat some things though himself like certain pastas so I make sure he eats them himself and often do feed him other stuff. Nothing lasts forever and with fussy children the NHS does say never starve them but just offer something they will eat. So not sure what good starving here does really.

How is this constructive?
edit: meant to quote a criticism.

well done for holding a boundary, now stick to it. Agree you can reoffer her dinner if she comes down later.

Hi @allcorners I have two questions - does she have younger siblings, and do you spend much one-to-one time with her doing crafts, jigsaws or some other activity?

I suspect that this is less about food and more about getting your undivided attention.

Depends why she’s doing it really, you could well end up with a child not eating and losing weight. Have you tried finger food for dinner, will she eat that? Have you tried asking her to do however many forkfuls and then you’ll help her? Personally if the dinner is t eaten I would pop
it in the fridge and reheat if she’s hungry.

Fucking hell at 6 my youngest DS could pour his own breakfast cereal, put milk in it and take himself to the table to eat it.

My 5.5YO will make her own toast for breakfast and make me a cuppa (with supervision) She will also occasionally like to be fed a few mouthfuls of her supper. She's being supported to develop independence at her own pace. When we focus more on supporting them to be independent without judgement or shame rather than seeing it as some arbritary race to an endpoint they'll all most likely reach we're far more likely to foster lifelong independence imo

No help as DS 10 is the same. Constantly nagging to eat something. He eventually does. half an hour later he is still eating stone cold pasta. He is stick thin so I don't know what to suggest.

Sometimes children like to be helped to do things they are quite capable of doing themselves. It isn't a crime to do it for them and it won't do them harm but it could be helpful to understand why she wants you to do it.
Children gain independence at different times. They don't all have to do everything for themselves at the very first moment they are physically capable of it. Sometime they just struggle with the executive function of doing everything for themselves.
It's also OK for you not to want to do it any more. However, even though you're introducing a change that's perfectly reasonableome , some children will find that hard.

I would offer the food, explaining that she needs to feed herself and the sit and eat alongside her so she doesn't feel that you've also removed your attention. If she doesn't eat, she can get down. If she's hungry later, you can reheat the food for her.

I would always allow her to eat it if she comes down and says she's hungry.

However, I would also have a think about what is the root of her feeling so strongly that she wants you to feed her. Think about whether she's very tired at that time of day, finding it harder than others might to hold the cutlery, feeling that it's important to have some one to one attention from you, etc. Think about asking her why she wants you to do it. The answer could be enlightening.

Try not to take too much notice of the posters whose children have all been cooking, eating and washing up for themselves since they turned one. It's not a competition.

You have enabled this for far too long. It's high time she learns that only babies are fed by their parents, just stop it, end of. She will go to the food before it gets to her.

I do think yabu, I don't blame you for feeling like this, but I do think she needs encouragement & not great if she's going to bed hungry.
I would suggest that if she does the same thing & doesn't eat & then comes back hungry, give her the dinner rather than sending her away. Or she'll never learn to eat. If she then refuses her food despite being hungry then I think you have a problem & should monitor closely & seek proper support & advice.

It might sound trite but lots of gentle encouragement and rewards for good behaviour rather than focussing too much on restriction or turning it into a grim battle of wills at the tea table. It might also be helpful to do it in stages too- maybe start with her eating a small number of forkfuls herself, and build it up to a full meal. If she sticks to it, she gets a little treat afterwards so it builds a positive association for her.

Not necessarily sweets or screen time if those are problematic. Just something small she really likes but doesn't get every day, some extra bedtime storytime or you play a game with her or cuddle and watch something she likes. And on nights where she doesn't feed herself, she doesn't get the treat.

Only you can know your DD and what kind of treat is motivational. I give this advice as someone who as a child was as good as gold during my jabs because I knew I would have a new Disney VHS tape waiting for me as a treat if I was good

Also meant to say- lots of praise for being a good girl and being grown-up!

They are saying they want some help with their dinner. That they want some attention from mum. Perhaps they want to revert to a younger stage as they are feeling overwhelmed by school. It's a case for kindness and gentle encouragement, not punishment.

This. Your DD has found a way to get your undivided attention OP and she doesn't want to lose it. Can you sit her down and explain that she's old enough to feed herself now but when you've both finished eating you'll read to her? Or do something else together she enjoys?

Perhaps cut back on all snacks after school. Then she should be hungry enough to eat her dinner. Maybe start with food that doesn't need cutting and can be put on a fork straight away, e.g. pasta

Oh yes OP should just hop in her time machine and sort it out...

Just wondering, could she have toothache or a loose tooth? A sore throat? Check her tonsils. Has she burnt her mouth on hot food and its scared her? Or bitten her tongue?

How about taking her to the shop to pick food or getting her to help do an online shop. Look up simple recipes, let her help cook.
Just a thought.

So she's perfectly capable of eating dessert, presumably with a spoon. Will eat other foods if fed but not of own accord.
A few things come to mind. First, is there a younger sibling? They do say DC can regress because they want (need) attention. It's not jealousy, it's a feeling of displacement.
Secondly, nobody ever died from having little triangular bite size butties for tea. Or other non-cutlery foods as long as nutritious. Eating only dessert does not bode well for the future.
Lastly, what do most DC hate? Early bedtime! If she can't be bothered to feed herself, she must be tired. If you are tired, you need to go to bed earlier! Could work?

I think the less you associate food with stress and anxiety the better. I would help her but I wouldn’t make a big deal about it. I would help her and do it in a distracted manner, I feel like as she gets older she will get fed up, move on to something else and do it herself. Could it be that she enjoys the one on one time and attention? Maybe you could cut her food up but in a very chilled / distracted way and then AFTER she’s eaten do something positive with her like reading her favourite book or playing with her favourite toy. Let her know after lunch or dinner let’s do ‘x’ - but not like it’s a threat or in any way associated with how she eats. I’m a firm believer in food not being tied to emotions. We don’t have any food restrictions in our house, all food is equal none is good or bad (there are only foods we can’t eat too much of) and my little one has the healthiest relationship with food. One day I put a donut and broccoli next to him and he ate the broccoli and ignored the donut (true story🤣)

I don’t know if this has been mentioned yet, but have you considered that this may be a sign of ARFID? My earliest memory of my personal experience with ARFID is 6-years-old, and the early signs were similar. I didn’t eat much in school and I ate very little, if anything, on my plate at home. For a multitude of reasons, including texture, a lack of interest in food, etc. I was told I’d go without too, and was scolded - a lot. If it is ARFID, I wouldn’t recommend leaving it to fix itself. They will go without and lose weight as a result. If this is or isn’t the case it may help to sit with them during meal time, if not already, and help to encourage them that way via eating together and making it a fun activity.

DS is a similar age and often likes to be fed, from recent discussions with classmates over a third of his peers are similar, mostly just dinner time. We insist he eats breakfast and lunch by himself, and encourage a first few bits of dinner, but then we'll help if he wants. He says he's tired and likes being loved; we know he can eat because he does it at lunch, so it's not a boundary we are bothered with. We also do cut up if it's a bit tricky for the knife (harder or slippery items), but get him to practice cutting harder things at lunch now. I'd focus initially with her on the other meals, make sure there are no capability issues. After that it's up to you, she's your child so consider if you think this is the time to draw a line under it, or to give extra attention.

Something mums without kids this age might not be aware of is that they learn about stages of development and babies at this point in the curriculum, how they've grown up etc. Those of us discussing it all decided that asking to be fed may well be linked to this, as well as being knackered from going back to school. We also get lots of "when I'm 6" for other things he isn't keen to do for himself. They're just vulnerable and little, a bit of extra care and hugs will always help.

Ffs stop doing this.
He doesn't need to be full.

Is she scared of a fork? Has she stabbed her self in the mouth once or bashed her teeth and is afraid it will happen again? That would explain eating puddings and snacks but not main meals.

Yes this is encouraging obesity in later life. (Sorry this was to the poster who says they force their child to eat more then they want.