To make my 5yo feed herself or go without.

[allcorners]

My dd is 5 in fact 6 next month and never eats her dinner on her own, she will sit there for an hour and barely touch it so I end up feeding it to her just to get it down her.
If I don't she will get down and leave her meals.

Last night I refused to help her saying I wasn't feeding her anymore and she had to eat it herself.
She went without and came down several times after bedtime saying she was hungry and I said thats because you haven't eaten your dinner, you're not having anything else.

Now I feel evil for letting her go hungry. Do I do the same this evening or should I feed her if it means she gets food in her?

Shouldn’t really have children if you want to relax and not give them your time.
shes 5 and has likely just started school. Such a big change, she is probably exhausted and wants her mum’s attention. How awful of the poor child wanting her mum’s attention

You sound like a very lovely and understanding mum 🤨

If your DD eats her evening meal for a week, could you have/offer a play date with a friend of a similar age and they will then encourage each other to eat? The reward could be that you do this fairly regularly, maybe she is anxious socially and you are seeing it at meal times (as it clearly happens at school too). Children generally want to be accepted by their peers and so she will grow with confidence the more you do this.

My daughter is often very slow to eat but she does eat unless it is something she absolutely hates. It’s a good habit to eat slowly though - it means she won’t overeat! It just takes me to be patient!

Ask school to make sure she doesn't eat only her pudding.
It won't be long before she begins to eat her dinner. Does she like school dinners?
Could you send a packed lunch instead? Just send sandwiches/ pasta / cheese and fruit. She doesn't need the sweet stuff.

Nursery teacher here and we don't let our children eat any crisps/ biscuits until they have eaten their sandwich/ pasta (only offer packed lunches) three weeks in and they know the score.

She is in year 1 she should be feeding herself... I'd be shocked if a child came into nursery unable to feed themselves. Sorry if that comes across harshly, but you are right to work on getting your daughter to feed herself.

I'd be shocked at a nursery worker who didnt understand the concept of a 5 yr old needing mum to feed her and why that may happen. I'd be shocked at a nursery worker who thought it was ok to 'come across harshly' because she didn't understand the difference between unable to and not wanting to for a while.
Rediculous lack of empathy.

@CM1897

Shouldn’t really have children if you want to relax and not give them your time.”

lol are you genuinely saying that you cannot ever want to relax if you have kids?! Are you a mummy martyr?

YANBU for not spoon feeding her anymore.

But it's absolutely unreasonable, I'd say cruel, to let a child go hungry afterwards. Just keep her plate and heat it up for her to finish later.

Fwiw my almost 10 year old quite often still needs reminders to continue eating. She'll just sit in front of her plate and get distracted by table conversation. Doesn't matter if she likes the food or not.

There are more productive ways of giving attention than shovelling food into your child's mouth lol

Ask school to make sure she doesn't eat only her pudding.
This would be really inappropriate much of the time. DS mostly eats his school meal, but very.occasionally didn't like something. There isn't an option for a bit of toast, so I'd much rather he topped up on yoghurt, oaty cookie or whatever the other dessert is than simply went hungry. Healthy food choices can be sorted out when you're with the child, otherwise the priority is someone making sure they are offered food of any type.

My son is the same, he does prefer his food cold though, we do let him have the iPad at the table or the tv and that works us to get him to eat

GRex...
Most of the time it is appropriate to ask children to eat their dinner first. And most of the time they will.

We know if they genuinely don't like something and let them have them pudding after a little try of dinner. It's just common sense.

Alternatively if they are really struggling with dinners packed lunch is the way forward.

No way on earth I'd leave a child hungry.

Doteycat...

The OP's daughter never feeds herself according to the OP.
I'd be shocked if a nursery worker thought that this was okay. It's not! And definitely not as the child is in year 1.

I totally understand the reasons why a child may insist on being fed. But also strongly believe that it needs sorting as does the OP.

The OP knows it is not appropriate, and feels evil by not feeding her. I shared that I would be shocked if a three year came to nursery unable/ unwilling to feed themselves to highlight that OP is not wrong to want to sort it.

I'd be shocked at a nursery worker who couldn't tell when a kid was trying it on as well!

I have empathy in abundance, but also lots of experience of parents going with the easy option, which does nobody any favours in the long run.

School lunches are a lot busier than nursery, meaning very little time to talk kids slowly through anything. Children also don't know the dinner ladies as well as their teachers and TAs, so can be easily nervous at this age of getting orders from an adult they don't know. It's really quite a different scenario, which is why I'm saying that as a parent I would find in inappropriate.

She's not stopped feeding herself she never has except for sweet puddings proving she can do it. She still eats sweet foods. Unless there are SEN children feed themselves by 18 months this school child doesn't and never has because it's always been done for her that in itself isn't helping the child what's she going to do at school lunch or on a playdate? It's holding her back.

How does that help at school 90 kids not eating because they are trained to eat and watch?

Grex, I work in a school as a teacher. I don't work in a private nursery. I have done dinner duty as a t.a. and as a teacher and although busy we can help with this scenario. It really is doable, it's part of our job.
Often we double up at the start of dinner to support this especially in the first few weeks. May be not every school can do this.
But it's worth speaking to school to see if they can support. It's amazing what children will do in school that they won't do at home.

How does that help at school 90 kids not eating because they are trained to eat and watch?

How do kids adapt to school for lessons?

They're perfectly capable of getting used to different environments and adapting.

I've explained why I would not be happy with that as a parent. It is often not helpful when it makes kids upset or nervous. It isn't a good message to force children to have to eat food they don't like, and having a dessert is better than nothing. Clearly not of interest to you. Shame.

How is that shocking? Having worked in a nursery for a number of years there was not a single child who left for school at 4 that wasn't able to feed themselves (barring those with disabilities) so yes, I'd be pretty shocked at a year 1 child being fed.

We're not talking about a child who completely lacks the skills to eat independently. This is a child who sometimes, for whatever reason, needs mum to feed her. I really don't think it's the catastrophe people are making it out to be.

If you've been doing this for over 5 years then suddenly forcing her to do it herself isn't going to go easy.

Can you make it more of a gradual thing, tell her if she does the first half, you'll help her with the second half?

Maybe you need to start smaller than that. She does a 1/4, you do more.

Getting her to pick meals you all eat on the condition that she feeds herself.

Having worked in a nursery for a number of years there was not a single child who left for school at 4 that wasn't able to feed themselves (barring those with disabilities) so yes, I'd be pretty shocked at a year 1 child being fed.

It's a shame you're finding it so hard to understand the difference between being unable to feed herself and wanting her mother to feed her. It's a bit of a worry that this is a difficult concept for you if you work in an early years setting.

All behaviour is communication. Maybe put your judgy pants to one side for a moment and have a think about what this child might be trying to communicate.

Because I don't want him waking in the middle of the night hungry, he gets up early enough as it is. He is eating more and more by himself

My kids have special needs the oldest I fed DS was about 3. Only if he was tired though. DD is more independent she was cutting her own food up at 2 1/2. So up until about 18 months.