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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make my 5yo feed herself or go without.

300 replies

allcorners · 21/09/2023 12:03

My dd is 5 in fact 6 next month and never eats her dinner on her own, she will sit there for an hour and barely touch it so I end up feeding it to her just to get it down her.
If I don't she will get down and leave her meals.

Last night I refused to help her saying I wasn't feeding her anymore and she had to eat it herself.
She went without and came down several times after bedtime saying she was hungry and I said thats because you haven't eaten your dinner, you're not having anything else.

Now I feel evil for letting her go hungry. Do I do the same this evening or should I feed her if it means she gets food in her?

OP posts:
Arrestedforit · 22/09/2023 15:20

Graciebobcat · 21/09/2023 12:33

Perhaps you could comprise. It's something she obviously likes you doing and feels a connection with you. Though it is annoying when you can't just enjoy your own dinner. Perhaps she feels a bit tired out by school and wants a bit of attention and TLC.

Perhaps you do one mouthful and she does two? Star chart and rewards? I used to do then you get a pound (they used to like buying the plastic toys in machines in supermarkets).

She won't be doing this when she's 16, nor likely even when she's 6, but kids need to go at their own pace and reach milestones in their own time.

I totally agree with this.
I'd try making it into a silly game, so agreeing to feed her, but only if she feeds you?

NoThanksymm · 22/09/2023 15:24

I think you took a good step!

becareful with warming her meal after bedtime. Or allowing her to drag it out for hours.

if you do warm it warn her then that tomorrow she has to eat at dinner and you won’t warm it after bed time, then if you do warm it before bedtime warm her she has to eat next time no later than… say an hour before bed.

whatever times you like. But set the boundaries, then stick to them.

watch the grazing/ after school snacks etc.

we know multiple small meals can be good, but we also know there is a discrete eating window at school/work/life! And getting eating dinner down will help with lunch.

good luck.

Snowpaw · 22/09/2023 15:24

I think small children of this age, especially after having just started back at school, get so tired towards the end of the day. Its fair enough that they need the support of adults around them.

My DD (4.5) is capable of feeding herself completely independently at breakfast time and lunch times, but does often really struggle with dinner times. She's often exhausted, a bit overwhelmed and hungry. Sometimes at dinner if food looks a bit different (like a different colour sauce than usual, or a different type of fish etc) then she needs a bit of help and encouragement to try it, and I'm completely happy to assist her through sitting close to her and helping with the cutlery...being a supportive presence basically. I know she can feed herself, but sometimes they just need the support of a parent to help them cut things up or get that first taste. Sometimes I feed her the first bit then she realises she likes it and is happy to feed herself the rest. If I'd have forced her to feed herself and no other option, then she'd have eaten nothing.

I'm happy to carry it on as long as she needs to be honest.

GrassWillBeGreener · 22/09/2023 15:25

I've skimmed part of the thread so apologies if I'm duplicating here ...
I agree you've made a good decision and should stick with it positively now. The one bit I'd check, is whether part of the reason for her not eating independently is just being too tired. If it is practical to move dinner even a little earlier, does it make a difference?

I remember when my chorister son was 8/9 and starting to sing services, we'd collect him at about 7 and soon realised we had to have a snack ready for him to eat in the car. If we didn't he was too tired to eat even ten minutes later when we got home. Till he was a bit older the routine had to be home, bath and bed. We did know he was eating more at lunchtime though.

DysmalRadius · 22/09/2023 15:30

Gmary20 · 22/09/2023 10:19

Having just read through be comments there are lots of people saying "oh maybe she has other issues, don't force her etc", the reality from my experience as a teacher working with this age range is that they are surprisingly strong willed and very often they won't do something just for the sake of getting there own way. So many kids come into school not being able to feed themselves, refusing to eat anything except one food (usually jacket potatoes and cheese), not being able to use the toilet properly. Imo it's all because of this wet parenting approach and parents being unwilling or too scared to implement any rules in their house. Children look to their parents for rules and guidence, and many parents in our generation have never been taught this and they are actually letting their children down by not being stricter and providing boundaries for them. Overall there are huge rises in mental health issues in kids and I think this lack of boundaries and guidence from parents has a lot to do with it, so don't feel bad about staying strong and not letting her have her own way. She's almost 6, it's time she fed herself.

This is why my kids don't go to school.

mathanxiety · 22/09/2023 15:33

TheBarbieEffect · 22/09/2023 13:19

No, the suggestion of a sticker chart was not good, and this is why:

https://sarahockwell-smith.com/2014/09/19/the-problem-with-stickers-and-reward-charts/

Show quote history

Did you notice that most of that article was barbs aimed at other TV 'experts'?

Sarah O-S clearly has books to sell and a brand to distinguish.

She trots out a little parroting of selected articles and the work of an author whose approach to behaviorism is not without its serious critics, buy which she seems to accept as gospel truth, with no sign whatsoever of any careful digestion of what she has read.

Blanketpolicy · 22/09/2023 15:34

We all have our soft spots where we find it hard to stick with boundaries as it is easier not to, but a NT 5 year old wanting spoon-fed is extreme.

Agree with others OP, at 5 she is more than old enough to understand the consequences of not eating her dinner, reiterate them to her and then follow through. Cutting out all snacks and treats until she is eating her meals.

mathanxiety · 22/09/2023 15:37

TheBarbieEffect · 21/09/2023 18:54

I’ve never bought or read a parenting book. It’s not necessary to give anyone any money to do some research on how best to help your child in their development.

Show quote history

But you've c&p'd an article here...

JerryJ · 22/09/2023 15:38

It sounds like your daughter may have some traumas with food and eating, do you recall there being any past issues for her? It may have be something that seemed insignificant at the time but sadly her body and mind may well remember it as being a trauma for her. I think I would go back to basics and let her finger feed as much or as little as she likes, take off all the pressure.

Violinist64 · 22/09/2023 15:41

A nearly six year old who won’t feed herself? How ridiculous. You have let her get away with it for far too long. You must stick to your guns and make her feed herself. I think l would give her packed lunches until she eats her main course at school. I would tell her that she is behaving like a baby and if she carries on in this way she will have to wear a bib like a baby too. You could also add that babies go to bed early so she will have to do that too.

Doteycat · 22/09/2023 15:43

Violinist64 · 22/09/2023 15:41

A nearly six year old who won’t feed herself? How ridiculous. You have let her get away with it for far too long. You must stick to your guns and make her feed herself. I think l would give her packed lunches until she eats her main course at school. I would tell her that she is behaving like a baby and if she carries on in this way she will have to wear a bib like a baby too. You could also add that babies go to bed early so she will have to do that too.

How bloody cruel you sound.
Do you work in a 1950s orphanage?

Violinist64 · 22/09/2023 15:47

Gmary20 · 22/09/2023 10:19

Having just read through be comments there are lots of people saying "oh maybe she has other issues, don't force her etc", the reality from my experience as a teacher working with this age range is that they are surprisingly strong willed and very often they won't do something just for the sake of getting there own way. So many kids come into school not being able to feed themselves, refusing to eat anything except one food (usually jacket potatoes and cheese), not being able to use the toilet properly. Imo it's all because of this wet parenting approach and parents being unwilling or too scared to implement any rules in their house. Children look to their parents for rules and guidence, and many parents in our generation have never been taught this and they are actually letting their children down by not being stricter and providing boundaries for them. Overall there are huge rises in mental health issues in kids and I think this lack of boundaries and guidence from parents has a lot to do with it, so don't feel bad about staying strong and not letting her have her own way. She's almost 6, it's time she fed herself.

Couldn’t agree more.

SoShallINever · 22/09/2023 15:54

You've been well and truly bashed by the perfect parents on here OP. I feel that most of this is unfair. Of course most DC are eating independently but you haven't starved her or neglected her, you've just fallen into a trap whereby she commands more of your time and attention than she should be doing.
I'd start by trying to make mealtimes as comforting and special as possible. Ask her what she would like to eat, cook it together, tell her stories while she eats, play a game where the reward is her having a spoonful of something delicious. Praise her and avoid letting this become a fight between you.
Have you (gently) asked her why she doesn't want to feed herself? Is she worried about making a mess? Or worried that the fork or knife will cut her?

Violinist64 · 22/09/2023 15:55

@Doteycat l am anything but cruel but so many parents today seem to want to be their children’s friends rather than their parents and confuse gentle parenting with no parenting. The children are given no boundaries - and children need and feel safe with boundaries - which is why so many children today, neuro-typical children, are arriving at school in nappies, not knowing how to hold a pencil and unable to use a knife and fork. I actually think bringing out an uneaten meal over and over again is far more cruel than anything I have suggested and, yes, a child of this age who is refusing to feed herself is behaving like a baby.

Doteycat · 22/09/2023 16:00

Cruel Lazy people rarely think they are.
But what you advocate is cruel behaviour and if i heard anyone speak to a 5 yr old the way you suggested, it would turn my stomach.
Its totally possible to create boundaries without belittling them, which is what you suggest.

Godwindar · 22/09/2023 16:08

I'd probably start doing some deals, 'you do some mouthfuls and then Mummy will do a few more'. She'll honestly not be doing it for much longer. They grow up a lot at 6/7 and get a lot more awareness of what other kids are capable of. But agree, minimise snacking.

housethatbuiltme · 22/09/2023 16:13

She may have neurological issues.

I can't use cutlery, its not laziness its developmental issues in my brain, I also walk with a limp and struggle to open doors and holding a pen physically hurts etc... I was told all through childhood and still do now by some people that I'm 'lazy' and to do it 'properly'.

Invisible disabilities exist, no one WANTS to go hungry because they are struggling. We get to a point where we stop asking for help because it never comes and we learn to just go without though, we also learn not to trust people and to accept that we are failures... don't put that on your child just because you don't 'see' something wrong when she is clearly telling you by asking you to help her.

JudgeJ · 22/09/2023 16:18

She’s not doing this to piss you off. There will be underlying reasons for the difficulties with eating - sensory issues, motor coordination issues, anxiety, etc. There always are.

'Being stroppy' needs adding to this bingo card of excuses. There isn't 'always' an issue, some children like being awkward, the naivity of some people on this site is staggering.

Titchyfeep · 22/09/2023 16:32

Have you asked her why she won’t fed herself? Sounds like her way of getting attention since you know she is physically able. I would never leave my child to go hungry but I wouldn’t spoon feed her. Keep the dinner she didn’t eat to onside and when she comes to you saying she is hungry reheat it.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 22/09/2023 16:40

Don't feed her. She's 5.
Ask the school not to let her take her pudding until she's eating a fair portion of her school dinner's main course.

If she doesn't eat her dinner, keep it on her plate on the side. Don't give her snacks. If she reappears before bedtime moaning she's hungry, present her with her dinner plate of food with a fork/spoon.

Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 22/09/2023 16:42

I sort of agree with both sides of the argument OP and having a similar type of child (also aged 5) I think you kindof have to go hard or go home with it.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to acknowledge that this is her way of telling you that she needs you to address. Has she just started Reception? It's exhausting for them in so many ways. I think if she's independent and keeping up at school then you can take that as a win and cut her a bit of slack with the feeding. It's perfectly reasonable to indulge in this if it helps maintain that vital bond between you. She won't be doing it when she's 10

On the other hand it's fine to set the boundary and decide you've had enough too but if you do maybe discretely see if you can do anything else to connect with her eg cuddles and a book/Board game/lego.

Whichever way you go stick with it. The last thing I'd be doing is making food a source of stress or control for her as this is most likely to lead to unhealthy eating patterns and even eating disorders. I agree restrict snacks etc but otherwise stay completely neutral to how and what she eats. She's still a baby really. As long as you stay level headed this will only get better as she matures

MadamPia · 22/09/2023 16:43

Is there anyway you can reward her eating efforts for a period of time?

For example, if you eat x number of spoons, in the weekend we will xxx.

You can do it for a few meals until it becomes a habit. Wish I could think of a low cost reward. Sometimes children freeze at “punishment” so maybe try reverse?

Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 22/09/2023 16:48

Is there anyway you can reward her eating efforts for a period of time?

For example, if you eat x number of spoons, in the weekend we will xxx.

I don't personally agree with rewarding her for meeting a basic need. I think it needs to be made clear that sustaining your own life with food is not negotiable or optional. I think the most motherly thing that you can do is support the child in meeting that need until the inevitable time comes that they independently meet that need

Snowpatrolling · 22/09/2023 16:49

If she doesn’t eat her dinner, I’d let her leave the table when you’ve finished, when she comes down saying she’s hungry, I’d re heat what ever she left. I would explain this to her before dinner so she knows there’s no snacks/pudding if she doesn’t eat, and if she doesn’t eat dinner now you will save it for when she’s hungry.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 22/09/2023 16:49

For starters, cut out all the snacks.

If she creates at that, as she almost certainly will, tell her very calmly that she’ll only be getting snacks in future if she eats her meals herself, like a nearly 6 year old should.

And stick to it - don’t give in to any tears or tantrums! Tempting though I know it’ll be, for the sake of P and Q.