To make my 5yo feed herself or go without.

[allcorners]

My dd is 5 in fact 6 next month and never eats her dinner on her own, she will sit there for an hour and barely touch it so I end up feeding it to her just to get it down her.
If I don't she will get down and leave her meals.

Last night I refused to help her saying I wasn't feeding her anymore and she had to eat it herself.
She went without and came down several times after bedtime saying she was hungry and I said thats because you haven't eaten your dinner, you're not having anything else.

Now I feel evil for letting her go hungry. Do I do the same this evening or should I feed her if it means she gets food in her?

My son is 3 this month and he relies on me to feed him, he will only eat till he is not hungry rather than full so I end up feeding him to make sure he is full. Hope I am not still in this situation in 3 years but if I am I would prob do the same as you, she should learn quickly. Like others say, what does she do at school?

Hi mum,
I would suggest to go see a GP and get referred to a child dietician. My friend works as a dietician and routinely works with children with eating issues such ad this. It can help you and her massively to take stress off when it comes to meal times. Please don't take a tough approach to eating as it cause eating disorders. For now if she eats if you feed her do it.

Hi what I would do is if you don't already eat a table.
Sit your child down and talk to her. Say your a big girl now and you need to feed yourself like all your friends and mummy do. Chat with her about her day ask her to take a mouthful every now and again.. talk about anything interesting she likes and chat with your other kids if you have them. Make meal times more fun and family chat times and just gently say please can you try a mouthful now. Once she's eaten a sufficient amount then she can have a yogurt. Don't put any other foods out until she's eaten the amount you think she should. Maybe try picnic hand foods occasionally to make it fun. Keep at it and gently Reminding that you can't feed her she has to do it now. Maybe get cutelry from her favourite show or character. I personally would agree with doing a sticker chart my daughter really does well with hers and it helps her work to something. We do baking or a park visit or arts etc rather than buying gifts. You won't always have to do the sticker chart either once she does it. It's how we potty trained and we don't still use it.
You may also find help seeing a dietitian via your GP. They usually are quite good with tips and tricks. With food you have to be careful as if you make it stressful or a bad experience then she may develop more issues with food.
Good luck it must be so worrying I hope you can find a way that works for her and you.

Shaming a child is cruel.

I have four children what I’ve learned is they will get away with anything for as long as you allow, I still cut my 6 years up just because it makes life easier and a bit less mess then when she tries herself but I’d definitely stay strong and say if your not going to feed yourself don’t eat she will soon get fed up and if she wants it later I’d reheat and again tell her she has to do it herself; I gather by the fact you’ve already enforced this once that there isn’t anything physically restricting her from feeding her self, nip it in the bud

This was my sibling all over!!!! And what they ended up doing is they'd heat the food up the following night and give that to him to prevents food waste.. soon learned his lesson

People often overestimate how much kids this age need. She is probably not hungry enough.

Cut all snacks.

Offer a small portion thats cut up and easy to eat. Don't feed her.

My DD (4) would be the same. I only feed her now if shes exceptionally tired and i can see that she is simply too tired to eat.

You should never need to feed her breakfast.

Shaming kids works, for sure, in terms of getting them to do what you want. It also sets them up for a lifetime of self-esteem issues (and eating ones as well if you're really lucky). Wearing a bib like a baby, wtf?! Some of these replies have all the psychological awareness of your average potato.

Get her to help you preparing food. It's amazing how keen they are to eat it when they have helped make it. I would start with finger foods like homemade fish fingers and wedges with some veg.

If a child is used to being fed by others she will be messy. It may make sense to wear a bib when getting used to using a knife and fork.

I don't think it's about shaming a person. It's just acknowledging that there's some catching up to do. A tea towel can always be tucked in, or an old sweatshirt be put on.

I also think it's useful to go 'cold turkey' and say calmly, 'No, I'm not going to do this any more.' Then the boundary is clear.

Maybe if 'favourite' savoury foods are provided at the start, there'll be more incentive for the child to eat.

@LaGiaconda the exact quote was "I would tell her that she is behaving like a baby and if she carries on in this way she will have to wear a bib like a baby too." That is definitely shaming! My mum did this and I still remember it 50 years later. She once told me I couldn't go in the buggy for a long walk because everyone would think I was a baby. I didn't go in the buggy ever again , so you could say it worked. But 'what will other people think of you' is a really crap measure of whether to do something. I'm only just getting over a lifetime of people-pleasing!

You have said you are no longer feeding her and you need to stick to this. I would make sure she has easy to eat finger food for the majority of the day. Toast for breakfast, packed lunch of sandwiches and fruit. Then make part of dinner easy to pick up and eat like pita bread and an easy to spoon in part like mild curry. If she comes down hungry later I would offer cereal, fruit or yogurt as I wouldn’t want to make food a battle.
Stick to your guns but remember no one sends their kid off to university worrying if they can use a knife and fork.

I've never had this issue, did BLW with both so they have always fed themselves. So I find it odd so many people have fed their older kids. Feeding a yogurt to a toddler is one thing but feeding a 6 year old to me is just bonkers. I definitely would not be encouraging this behaviour. Have a conversation with her about how much of a big girl she is and how big girls feed themselves. Is she like this with other things, dressing herself for example? She eats or she doesn't her choice but nothing else after dinner. Eat together at a table and of she doenst eat I would ignore it. I would also introduce a reward chart for various tasks including eating her dinner do its not focused just on food. Good Luck, nobody tells you how hard this parenting thing is!

This is what I would do -

1. Talk to DD before dinner time and explain you aren't going to help feed her at dinner time any more. If she wants to eat she'll need to do it herself.
2. At dinner time talk about the day, weather, plans for tomorrow, but don't talk about her eating / or not eating as the case may be. Don't encourage, or pester her to eat - often the more adults do this the more kids push back.
3. Once everyone else has finished, ask DD if she is done. If she is everyone gets down from the table - even if she hasn't eaten a mouthful. If she says she isn't done, ask her if she'd like her dinner warmed up (if it might be cold give it a zap in the microwave) and say if she doesn't start eating dinner is going to be over in 5 minutes, then continue general chit-chat.
4. End the dinner but keep her meal, so if at any time she complains about being hungry offer her the dinner she refused earlier. But she has to sit and eat not just sit and refuse especially if it's after bedtime. Otherwise it's back to bed.
5. Also just give her really small portions initially - that way you aren't wasting too much food.

Good luck!

No child ,will starve herself though they may grow up with issues around food later on if forced. I agree, put the food in front of her and then take it away if she refuses to eat. Be strong and consistent! You are doing the right thing. And no snacks!

What a helpful response 🙄

I agree with pp, smaller portions will be both less intimating for her, and less waste if she doesn't eat it.
Don't go back on your word as far as not feeding her goes but keep the meal so she can eat it later when she is saying she is hungry.

When she does start eating those smaller meals, if she is still hungry then a "supper" could be had (egg on toast or something like that) or second helpings of dinner can be kept aside - don't start overloading the orginal plate.

The problem is your giving into her and have treated her like a baby, as another poster said cut out all the sweet treats funny how she has no problems eating the puddings. She needs tough love from here on in not you pandering you've made a rod for your own back

I agree no snacks or sugary stuff until she eats a better meal structure. She’s not really hungry if she’s not eating her meals.
YANBU at 5 I’d be losing my patience! X

I don't really understand the idea that laying down boundaries for children will give them 'complexes' or 'issues'. Yes, getting angry and/or trying to force children to eat things they hate is upsetting and unproductive.

But calmly indicating that children need to learn acquire skills for their own survival and stepping back from treating them as tiny helpless babies, is basically what parenting is about.

I’m really soft but I’d suggest to her if she eats 3 bits by herself I’d feed her 3 and so on to start with

I’ve only read OP’s responses and not the whole thread, so apologies if others have said this…

If you subscribe to the idea that “all behaviour is communication” then it’s worth considering why she’s doing this. Think about what she gets from you feeding her: your undivided attention for 15 mins? Does she get this at any other time on a regular weekday? Knee jerk reaction is probably to think “yes of course she does” but if we really truly think about it, lots of us don’t give our kids any proper 1:1 time, no screens, with zero distractions, on a daily basis. Life is busy and chaotic and it’s easy to omit this. If this is the case, maybe you could try and build in 15 mins of 1:1 time after dinner each day (colouring, Lego, puzzles, playing in the garden etc) to see if this helps?

@DysmalRadius

what is?

@Imisssleep2

“My son is 3 this month and he relies on me to feed him, he will only eat till he is not hungry rather than full so I end up feeding him to make sure he is full. Hope I am not still in this situation in 3 years but if I am I would prob do the same as you, she should learn quickly. Like others say, what does she do at school?”

Why do you keep feeding him? we don’t need to eat until we’re full just until we’re satiated

You sound harsh and aggressive. Children need to go at their own pace. She is undoubtedly needing some attention and is probably shattered from the school day. You sound like you are talking to a 12 year old, not a 5 year old.