To make my 5yo feed herself or go without.

[allcorners]

My dd is 5 in fact 6 next month and never eats her dinner on her own, she will sit there for an hour and barely touch it so I end up feeding it to her just to get it down her.
If I don't she will get down and leave her meals.

Last night I refused to help her saying I wasn't feeding her anymore and she had to eat it herself.
She went without and came down several times after bedtime saying she was hungry and I said thats because you haven't eaten your dinner, you're not having anything else.

Now I feel evil for letting her go hungry. Do I do the same this evening or should I feed her if it means she gets food in her?

Could you try buying her a small set of cutlery( toddler size if necessary)
I know you cut it up small enough not to need them)
Just a thought
I'd have done the same as you when mine were the same age

I think you need to sit down and have a proper chat with her, explain that you have helped her up to now but she's a big girl and she can now do it all by herself. That you won't be feeding her anymore and she won't be getting any food after bedtime so it would be a really good idea to feed herself dinner. Keep repeating the same things if she needs reminding

I have 5 children between the ages of 3-16 and I never fed any of them past about 18 months. It's not exactly normal to be feeding a 6 year old.

A five year old wanting help with their dinner isn't "testing boundaries". They are not a 13 year old wanting an extra hour out with their mates on a school night.

They are saying they want some help with their dinner. That they want some attention from mum. Perhaps they want to revert to a younger stage as they are feeling overwhelmed by school. It's a case for kindness and gentle encouragement, not punishment.

Who give a shit about "normal"?

This is very wise. Look beyond the annoyance for the need. Is there something you can do together before dinner to reinforce the connection she feels she needs? School is stressful and she is little. I agree that keeping on spoonfeeding her isn't a long term option, but neither is a battle over food a good idea. A compromise is a good idea too, I like the 'you do one spoon she does two' plan.

You've got several options depending what suits you and your child. I assume she eats breakfast by herself?

Have her dinner when she comes home from school to see if it's just tiredness that means she wants you to feed her at dinner. If she eats then you can work on pushing dinner back slowly to atime that suits you.

Let her eat snacks when she comes home but only have healthy snacks available, we have fruit and sandwich ingredients like salad stuff, cheese, pate, avocado, peanut butter. My teenagers often make themselves an enormous sandwich at 4pm then eat a full dinner later. So your 5 year old will either eat a sandwich and dinner or just a sandwich but that's OK.

Eat at your normal time but keep leftovers for if she's hungry later that evening.

Be hardline about eating at the mealtimes you set with no snacks inbetween meals.

Are you experiencing this problem with every meal, or just one or two? Could it only be happening when she's tired? My kids love a fun meal that they assemble themselves, or I might chuck in a food dye with something like soup (my DD had pink leek and potato soup yesterday), or use cookie-cutters. Trying to use chopsticks was also a hit.

I would ease her into doing it herself rather than going straight in. Say that today she has to do 2 bites yourself and then you will feed her the rest. Tomorrow you say she needs to do 3 bites herself and then you will feed her. I always find that children transition better to change if you introduce it slowly and over a few days. Lots of verbal praise for the bites she does herself “wow aren’t you a clever girl, so grown up doing it yourself, mummy is very proud of you”.

Oh, if she eats breakfast by herself then load her up with food in the morning. My kids at that age had different eating patterns, one ate a big breakfast but tiny dinner, one ate a tiny breakfast but enormous dinner, one grazed throughout the day (hence the mass of healthy snachs in our house!).

No snacks at all. She needs to understand that meals are provided, and if she doesn’t eat and then said she’s hungry later, just give her the meal again. If she wants to eat with hands/a spoon whatever, fine. And don’t mention the meal or eating - talk about her day etc. also get her involved in cooking and discuss what she likes, and let her choose her portion size. And try meals which are self constructed like fajitas so she has control over that.

My now 19 year old remembers having Bolognese for breakfast when he was 4.

He just refused to eat it for dinner. It was his absolute favourite dinner and he point blank refused! He was told he could get down from the table and asked for food several times, was offered his dinner and still said no. He went to bed hungry, came down a couple of times was offered his dinner said no and went back to bed.

When he got up in the morning, he ate every single bit of his Bolognese said it was lovely was there any more and then went on to eat some weetabix and toast!

Slightly different to your issue, but just to reassure you that no harm will be done for missing a meal!

Does your daughter have smaller cutlery that she can manage ok, do you serve her food on a smaller plate, or even let her dish up what she wants? we found that putting too much food on my son's plate really turned him off eating, so smaller portions and coming back for seconds worked better.

Every time she asks you to feed her, I would just say no, you are a big girl now you can feed yourself. We also set timers for eating otherwise it went on all night, so 45 minutes was more than long enough to eat up and still chat at the table. Anything not eaten after that time was cleared away and he wasn't allowed to top up with snacks or supper. It was dinner or nothing.

At that age he had dinner about 4.30, 5pm and I sat with him whilst he ate, as he got older I just pushed his dinner time out until it met ours and then we all ate together.

At this point, you might just need to out stubborn her!

Most people?

Yanbu to force this issue.
Stopping snacks after school might help make her hungry for dinner but today I would warn her that she needs to feed herself and remind her how hungry she felt last night.

Does she show any signs of dyspraxia with writing or colouring? Or does she find it uncomfortable to hold things in certain ways that others find easy?

I would probably say she's just got into a bad habit of expecting someone else to do it, but kids don't always have the vocabulary or interoception to realise there's something physical that they need to bring to an adults attention.

Being unable to cut food, or struggling with feeding is one of the signs of dyspraxia.

It must be a big shock to her if you've done it for so long. I'd start slowly with lots of encouragement

😘Brilliant response!

No she can do it when she wants too, she just doesn't want to.
She's told me it takes longer to do it herself so she wants me to help her.
I just don't want to be helping her any longer.
I admit I probably help her as it's quicker and her food was cold but I feel terrible about her going without so I was giving in.

When you’re at the table eating together, what are you doing? Are you reminding her to eat, telling her to pick up her fork and take a bite. Or are you just ignoring it?

You're going to have to coach her through it. And do not feed her again. Ever. She has to learn.

She's not feeding herself because she's knows you'll eventually give in and feed her. Be persistent with not feeding her. If she doesn't eat, save her meal and warm it up when she says she's hungry. Don't give her other food options. If that doesn't work, contact your local family support services for help.

When she comes back down instead of telling her no, put her dinner back in front of her with the same instructions as before - she eats independently.

No she can do it when she wants to

When is that? When does she do it?

If you're going to be hardline about this then my advice is to do it cheerfully. Don't get angry with her, and don't argue with her.

Don't make food a fight. Just make it normal that you cut it up and then she eats it or not. Also often give foods which are finger foods - pizza ect., so that she enjoys some meals eating with you all.

You do realise longevity doesn’t make you a good parent, right?

You did exactly the right thing. Well done. It's hard I know when they say they are hungry. Your DD will eventually remember if she doesn't eat her dinner she feels hungry later. The penny will drop, it just takes a week or so. Whatever you do don't give in now or all your good work gets undone. Keep cutting it up and telling her dinner is nicer when it's hot.