To make my 5yo feed herself or go without.

[allcorners]

My dd is 5 in fact 6 next month and never eats her dinner on her own, she will sit there for an hour and barely touch it so I end up feeding it to her just to get it down her.
If I don't she will get down and leave her meals.

Last night I refused to help her saying I wasn't feeding her anymore and she had to eat it herself.
She went without and came down several times after bedtime saying she was hungry and I said thats because you haven't eaten your dinner, you're not having anything else.

Now I feel evil for letting her go hungry. Do I do the same this evening or should I feed her if it means she gets food in her?

Yes. Why don't you like to feed her? Do you have other younger children that need attention at that time? It isn't going to last forever. What is so wrong about feeding your own child with your hand. In some cultures it's considered a great sign of love and affection when being fed by others. She probably is doing it to get your attention . So just give her that attention . What's more important than that ? Everything else can wait. Enjoy this time with her.

This is a developmental thing. I guarantee the first time she sits at a friend's birthday dinner she will not be asking the mum to feed her. So it will pass. But for now she may struggle with being at school, or feeling like she is not with you, or wants your attention. She may lack confidence using cutlery or the expectations around that.

I would change your dinners to something more finger food based - pizza, sushi, or traditional style Indian that you eat with your hands. Serve very small portions and make sure you eat together.

Explain well in advance that you are not going to be feeding her anymore - that you will cut up things that need to be cut but that she is big enough now to start doing this herself. It sounds from your post as if you just announced the abrupt change at dinner time. Signal the change and then follow through.

This will pass.

I would have expected my 2year olds to eat there food Children in a childrens home did Sounds like she only likes sweet stuff at school Children come home starving frim
school so give her an early tea

@WoooahNelly 21/09/2023 12:31
“I feel your pain, mine were lazy as anything and ended up helping them until about 7 😔. Thankfully past all that, but one has to be constantly reminded to eat, or will just sit there happily for hours on end with a mouthful of food 🤷”

Omg! My DS5 does this! Can sit there in his chair for the whole meal while we eat and finish, and he will have made that first mouthful last. We have tried every tactic possible. It does my head in!

You're not being unreasonable - you need to stop feeding at some point, so the sooner the better. The later you leave it, the worse it will be.

Not true.

The longer you leave it, the more likely she is to lead the change to feeding herself without intervention.

However, the OP is fed up of doing it, which is a perfectly reasonable motivation to stop.

That was one of the first things that came to mind when I read this, or sensory issues. I think OP should maybe take her to the GP to see if there is an issue here.

There could be another answer. This could be a sign of something else. Take note of her interest in physical activity. Is it hard for her to wake up, does she need more sleep than other children her age , esp at the weekend. idk, just bear in mind a fatigue illness. Has she had a virus/bacteria. Has it always been like this or did her behaviour very slowly change.

I remember enjoying being fed by my mum at a similar age.

The simple reason was that it was the only time I got any real attention and it was a way to get quality time, feel loved.

Along with the other very sound suggestions, I would incorporate more playtime with her, everyday, sans devices.

Good luck!

@MarrymeJM

Yes. Why don't you like to feed her? Do you have other younger children that need attention at that time? It isn't going to last forever. What is so wrong about feeding your own child with your hand. In some cultures it's considered a great sign of love and affection when being fed by others. She probably is doing it to get your attention . So just give her that attention . What's more important than that ? Everything else can wait. Enjoy this time with her.”

umm is not obvious why? Op’s daughter is six! Op will have spent years spoon feeding her. Op probably now wants to relax and enjoy her own dinner, probs chatting to her daughter.

There are others ways to enjoy time with a six year old than spoon feeding them.

I'm too busy enjoying my own dinner to feed my 3 year old. Yes cut things up if they want. Just stop doing it she'll eat if she's hungry (agree with cutting out any sugary snacks too etc). Sometimes my DS only wants an apple and bit of cheese for dinner and won't touch his meal, that's fine. I'll just finish his. Don't worry about wasted food so much, just give her smaller portions. I think we expect kids to eat way too much sometimes, they have little stomachs. Feeding her will potentially lead to her eating more than she is actually hungry for and messes with the hungry regulation signals etc knowing when you've had enough.

I did BLW so never fed him, when he got to toddler he sometimes said 'give me my feast' and wanted spoon feeding for the fun of it. Indulged him sometimes but not for long as my dinner would be going cold!

Like a previous poster said if it's attention she wants give that in the form of playing or reading stories etc away from mealtimes.

I’ve never really worried. I have had 3 kids and have fed them if things were too slow or felt they needed help until quite late (8? 10? Can’t remember). It often depends on levels of tiredness and what the food is. :D Definitely can feed themselves snacks - soups? Not so much!

I tried not make a fuss or turn it into an issue or a battle ground. In fact I engaged them into a conversation or told them a story and also explained I was helping them until they could take over and that I had full confidence tout they would one day. I did not make them feel bad.

They all started feeding themselves at some point consistently. They are now teenagers and have zero issues with food and eating. Sometimes we’re in a hurry with their development… when in fact the issue resolves itself a bit later.

When they don’t eat enough at the meal time, I don’t let them go hungry but I don’t unpack the whole evening meal either: I give them a big glass of milk (and explain it’s because the meal is over and has been packed away). It seems to do the trick.

The snacks would be stopping.

Does she have problems with cutlery? My DS12 struggles to hold knives and forks and lacks the coordination to bring a fork or spoon to his mouth. Cutting food especially meat is very difficult for him. He prefers to eat with his hands. We have a similar dilemma of letting him eat with his hands or getting him to practice with knife and fork. If he is eating something like peas he'll get them on the fork using his hands. If he does use a knife and fork it takes forever. Maybe your daughter has a similar problem?

My 6yo son is exactly like this and it can be very frustrating! It’s not always down to parenting styles either because I have two older DDs and they were nothing like this growing up. My son just genuinely isn’t that interested in food, doesn’t even get excited for a McDonald’s or ice cream! He eats snacks, lots of them and is happy with that so I just try and relax about it all he’ll find his own way.

I agree op. She's old enough to feed herself. Save the dinner. Remove all snacks. She will eat eventually.

Please ignore the horrible responses saying it's ridiculous, she's too old etc.... you do what works. She won't want you to feed her forever!! So what if you have to feed her a few mouthfuls of dinner at aged 5/6. She will grow out of it! I couldn't let my kid go to bed starving, I totally get why did it... meal times can get so difficult with picky eaters and spend like a gentle parent generally. Keep doing what feels right for you, she will get there eventually.

@Elaina87

its not a couple of mouthfuls though is it, it sounds like it’s the full meal

It’s not horrible. Op is letting her Dd down not teaching her how to feed herself properly. Fussiness or not, at 5 she should easily be able to feed herself.

Utter codswallop. Letting her down. Ignorant and patronising post.
She is able, she just doesn't want to right now.
Letting her down would be forcing some of the bullying cruel patenting shite being recommended here.
Call Her names, deprive her of food, serve up the same cold dinner. Awful awful stuff.
That's Letting her down.

My son was the same. Could do it at school but didn't want to at home. The battle lasted years. Even now he is 11, he will eat with his hands if I'm not watching. It was the same with dressing. He could do it at PE at school but I had to dress him at home or we wouldn't leave the house on time. He has no disabilities and NT.

Totally reasonable. My almost 3 year old feeds himself with a fork. My 8 year old will happily use his hands.. but once prompted will use his cutlery. It's easy to get into habits to get them to eat (no judgement) but understandably it will take just as long to break those routines.

Keep at it and offer the dinner. When she's hungry enough, she'll start new habits. Good on you for deciding enough is enough and taking the more difficult route.

I admit I probably help her as it's quicker and her food was cold but I feel terrible about her going without so I was giving in

This is meant kindly ..I think you know that you have inadvertently trained her into this habit and in fact it is now potentially turning into a battle of wills partly fed by your anxiety over her hunger and wasting food.

You now need to train her out of it. Not easy but remove all emotion, don.t keep referring t it etc. She sits and eats nothing; say nothing; when you have finished just pick up plate and put it one side, cover and put in fridge or whatever. When she asks for snacks etc just say "No snacks but you can have your meal now if you like" ...dont argue, reason, negotiate ...just keep saying that. Acknowledge that you understand she is hungry etc but the reason for that is because she is not eating her food so she needs to eat her food. if she says she needs it cut up just say "well cut it up then". No discussion just a straight statement of fact and the solution. You may have to do this a few times and it wont be easy but you really need to try to be strong. Having said that you can also maybe ensure there are some less obviously problematic foods served sometimes that don't need cutting up or that are easy to cut.

I do feel for you but with this one the solution is in yorn hands. Really work at taking the open emotion out if it.

I personally would never let my little one go to to bed hungry.... as I know she wouldn't go to sleep so i would suffer 😂 we have issues with eating meals here too so i understand. she NEVER eats a full meal only little bits, I do let her eat before bed but she's only allowed fruit yoghurt or porridge nothing else.

Completely agree with you. She’s 5 not 12. It’s likely she has recently started school, is tired and missing time with her parents. Why do full grown adults expect so much of little children, they are only children for a short time, spend 5 minutes feeding her OP and then go about your day, it’s not worth the stress, she will grow out of it