To make my 5yo feed herself or go without.

[allcorners]

My dd is 5 in fact 6 next month and never eats her dinner on her own, she will sit there for an hour and barely touch it so I end up feeding it to her just to get it down her.
If I don't she will get down and leave her meals.

Last night I refused to help her saying I wasn't feeding her anymore and she had to eat it herself.
She went without and came down several times after bedtime saying she was hungry and I said thats because you haven't eaten your dinner, you're not having anything else.

Now I feel evil for letting her go hungry. Do I do the same this evening or should I feed her if it means she gets food in her?

How does she eat at school?

My DS is same age, I've just had to ban TV in the morning or he eats too slowly. Not as good with cutlery as I would like but he doesn't expect to be fed.

Do you eat meals together?

Does she need you to cut it up or is she asking you to actually feed her? If it’s just cutting the YABU, if not then sometimes tough love is the best thing. Will she eat finger food?

I don't think she eats a lot at school, she has school dinners but chatting to the lunch lady who we know she only eats her pudding.
She has no problem eating snacks herself, she just can't be bothered to eat dinners, I cut it all up so she only has to put it in her mouth but she sits there and sits there.

Op you aren't being unreasonable.
The only thing I'd do differently is to zap her dinner when she came down saying she was hungry.

But hey ho, hopefully she will learn she needs to eat. And that will be the end of the teatime tantrums.

Cut all sugar and yummy snacks until she eats 2/3 proper meals a day.

It will take a few days then she will be into the swing of things.

No snacks until she eats her proper meals

She really should be feeding herself at that age unless she has specific disabilities preventing her doing so. How does she manage at school without you?

I think you absolutely have to stop feeding her but keep her dinner aside if she refuses to eat it so when she's hungry later on you can re-heat it and give her another chance to eat it herself.

Don't go back on what you've said now otherwise you will lose respect and authority. If necessary take the pressure off by giving her finger foods in front of tv like chopped up fruit, breadsticks, cubes of cheese. She must be feeding herself at school, must just be a habit she's got into with you that needs breaking.
Personally I would have let her eat something when she came down saying she was hungry if she had fed herself but its too late now........stay strong💪

We do eat meals together but she doesn't actually eat anything.
I do cut her meals up but she says "I need help" and I either feed her like a baby or she doesn't eat.
She is capable of doing it herself, she just doesn't want to but I don't want to throw good food away and she be hungry.

I think you’re doing the right thing by not feeding her. She obviously likes you doing it and is testing your boundaries.

So you could tell her that she isn’t allowed to leave the table until she’s eaten a certain amount. And you remove all distractions; so no tv, no toys or books etc. Or you could put her dinner in a Tupperware box and when she says she’s hungry, you heat it up and let her eat that (obviously not feeding it to her).

This. My DSD went through a phase of not eating her dinner when she was about 4 and would just sit and cry. We stopped any snacks after nursery and gave her dinner when she said she was hungry rather than a snack then dinner later with us. She knows she doesn't have to eat it all but if she says she's full she can't then ask for snacks or ice-cream. If you're too full for dinner then you're too full for anything else.

We have no issues with her eating dinner now.

My 4 year old uses a (children's) knife and fork and feeds himself. At six with no additional needs she absolutely should be.

So she's begun the process of learning that if you can't be bothered to eat your dinner you get hungry. If she can't be bothered tonight, remind her that it made her hungry last time she tried that and that she won't be allowed to eat anything other than her dinner. The message should get through.

This is ridiculous. I wouldn’t even put up with my 2 year old wanting to be fed.

Why when she was a toddler did you not hold the boundary? It would have been much easier than now.

You’ve basically told her it’s okay for years and suddenly are withdrawing it so of course she’s going to be upset and confused.

I would save her dinner and if she comes down hungry I'd heat it up and give her another go. Otherwise I think you're right.

Sounds like she needs her dinner earlier, when she comes in, rather than snacks.

Or else more nutritious snacks

Lets all hope and pray we are as perfect as @TheBarbieEffect

@TheBarbieEffect I do agree with you

I have to admit I'm very soft with dd but even so she would be going hungry in this case. She needs to feed herself, it's an important skill if nothing else and that is what you're there to do. It's hard to put your foot down especially when they're hungry but yes, absolutely done the right thing. It'll be short lived when she figures it out.

What are you doing during the meal? Ie are You prompting very specifically - "ok, you need to pick up one piece of chicken with your fork and put it in your mouth now" sort of stuff? How does she respond?

Agree with others that this is an important boundary, and that having the meal available to her later if she hasn't eaten at the table is the way forward. My advice would be different if it was food aversion/refusal you were dealing with but it sounds like the food itself isn't an issue here.

Cut out all snacks/sweet things/treats and no after school snack. Then have an early dinner and sit with her. Hopefully she’ll be hungry enough to eat. If you have to make 2 dinners for a while then so be it.

But you’ve made a habit somehow and now you’ve got to break it.

It’s nothing to do with being perfect. It’s to do with being a parent and holding a boundary. That’s pretty basic.

It isn’t unreasonable to expect a TODDLER to feed themselves, let alone a primary aged child.

OP has done a disservice to her child that is now distressing to said child to fix. She hasn’t helped her, she’s just made things more difficult and curtailed her independence.

I feel your pain, mine were lazy as anything and ended up helping them until about 7 😔. Thankfully past all that, but one has to be constantly reminded to eat, or will just sit there happily for hours on end with a mouthful of food 🤷

Perhaps you could comprise. It's something she obviously likes you doing and feels a connection with you. Though it is annoying when you can't just enjoy your own dinner. Perhaps she feels a bit tired out by school and wants a bit of attention and TLC.

Perhaps you do one mouthful and she does two? Star chart and rewards? I used to do then you get a pound (they used to like buying the plastic toys in machines in supermarkets).

She won't be doing this when she's 16, nor likely even when she's 6, but kids need to go at their own pace and reach milestones in their own time.

I do agree with @TheBarbieEffect despite the harsh tone. I expect my 2yo to feed herself, let alone my 4yo. I do know someone else who has always spoon fed their kids and they are now 4 and 2 and they only eat if being spoon fed by an adult. Yet similarly they have no issues feeding themselves an ice cream or a bag of crisps.

I agree you need to stop doing it and not offer snacks etc instead. However i would start off by being quite lax on expectations e.g. don't force her to use a knife and fork or spoon if she just wants to eat with her hands. It's a first step. Also try to distract attention away from the issue by engaging her with something else, chatting about her day etc. Also maybe have some tasty things ready to have after dinner (not crap but maybe something like fruit and ice cream) and remind her that if she eats a decent amount of dinner then she will be able to (feed herself) some pudding afterwards too. Keep it positive and lighthearted, don't let it become a big thing.