To make my 5yo feed herself or go without.

[allcorners]

My dd is 5 in fact 6 next month and never eats her dinner on her own, she will sit there for an hour and barely touch it so I end up feeding it to her just to get it down her.
If I don't she will get down and leave her meals.

Last night I refused to help her saying I wasn't feeding her anymore and she had to eat it herself.
She went without and came down several times after bedtime saying she was hungry and I said thats because you haven't eaten your dinner, you're not having anything else.

Now I feel evil for letting her go hungry. Do I do the same this evening or should I feed her if it means she gets food in her?

I’ve never bought or read a parenting book. It’s not necessary to give anyone any money to do some research on how best to help your child in their development.

I always think people project too far into the future with parenting. You aren't going to be spoonfeeding your 12yo. But you might well be setting up some power struggles now that will haunt you far into the future. Gentle encouragement and understanding will get you far further than punitive rigidity at this stage. You probably can force her into feeding herself through starving her, but at what cost?

@allcorners
How was she last night, did the tough love the night before do the trick?

Definitely agree, sounds like she’s just eating snacks and puddings so she’s not hungry enough to bother with eating her proper meals.

I’d cut out snacks (they’re not really necessary anyway) and no puddings unless she eats her mains.

She will grow out of this. And grow up. Just feed her. Someday you will look back and realise no more feeding. No more bedtime stories or hand holding crossing the road. Enjoy your daughter. And these precious times.

I’ll probably get attacked here but I think there may be more going on here. Could it be that she’s doing it to get some time with you? Sounds like she could be needing some connection.

I don’t believe that a child ‘can’t be bothered to eat their tea’, there has to be something else going on.

my daughter is 7 and whilst I don’t feed her, she will only use cutlery if she absolutely has to, such as cereal. Could you try finger foods? Is she having difficulty with coordination in any other areas?

I definitely think you need to get to the root of the problem before deciding how to tackle it. What does she say about it?

Agree with you @Kazzybingbong the little girl is trying to say something and no one is listening.

OP just hold firm now with the tough love or this will go on and on. My step daughter is 8 and can’t eat with a knife and fork! It drives me crazy and is also soon going to be socially embarrassing for her. Just be kind but firm ‘this is your dinner, you eat it now, or you go to sleep hungry.’ It won’t take her long to get the picture.

Dc1= fed herself from starting solids. Dc2= is gone 6 and would probably starve to death if I didn't feed him quite a bit of the time even now. Even his friends have I asked him why he gets fed like a baby and he shrugs. I tell then it works for us.
It honestly drives me up the wall. His dad didn't really get the hang of feeding himself untill into his 30s, before that he just didn't really eat.

Setting firm boundaries with kids doesn't always feel very nice, does it?!

She really does need to feed herself, though. You know that.

Stick to your guns, OP. No snacks but fruit when she gets home from school today! If she's hungry, she'll eat her dinner, sooner or later! The weekend has come at a good time. I foresee cooked lunches on Saturday and Sunday this week 😂

9 times out of 10, what the child is saying is 'I win', because they know Mums don't like the thought of them being hungry so that's a boundary they can push.

If there's more going on - wanting time with Mum, an aversion to certain foods or cutlery, texture or chewing issues etc - I'm sure OP has considered them before coming here!

I'm not sure op has considered the possibility of more going on at all. More times than you seem to realise, a child cares not about the winning but about the connection. Parenting is not a battle.

Oh gosh ours are all under 3 and have been feeding themselves for a long time

Not sure spoon feeding a nearly 6 year old (who is perfectly capable of doing it herself) can be equated to snuggling your kids down at night by reading a bedtime story 🤔

What cutlery is she using? We had plastic children's cutlery which my son really struggled with. As soon as we switched to metal stuff he miraculously started to feed himself with ease!

And sometimes kids just want to do things the easy way cos they can't be bothered.

Keep strong, she's not a baby, she's engaging in a battle of wills with you and knows what's she's doing. She will cave in eventually, she can't keep having you feed her, it's ridiculous and not good for her in the long run.

Having just read through be comments there are lots of people saying "oh maybe she has other issues, don't force her etc", the reality from my experience as a teacher working with this age range is that they are surprisingly strong willed and very often they won't do something just for the sake of getting there own way. So many kids come into school not being able to feed themselves, refusing to eat anything except one food (usually jacket potatoes and cheese), not being able to use the toilet properly. Imo it's all because of this wet parenting approach and parents being unwilling or too scared to implement any rules in their house. Children look to their parents for rules and guidence, and many parents in our generation have never been taught this and they are actually letting their children down by not being stricter and providing boundaries for them. Overall there are huge rises in mental health issues in kids and I think this lack of boundaries and guidence from parents has a lot to do with it, so don't feel bad about staying strong and not letting her have her own way. She's almost 6, it's time she fed herself.

But why then would she eat that same food if spoon fed it by the mother? So obviously not sensory needs or not liking it

Absolutely agree with this. It does kids no favours.

As an adult who was forced to stay at the table and eat all my dinner as a child. Id say please avoid stressful mealtimes, encourage don't force.
I have horrid memories of mealtimes and get really touchy wheb ppl get involved in my food choices.
Keep the leftovers and offer them again later if you can. Also think about how much food she eats all week rather than per meal.
My son used to be similar and got more independent later on.

If she's eating puddings independently i would say she's got so used to junk food that nutritious food seems like a massive effort. She's also just got into a bad habit which needs to be broken and feeding her is giving her attention which might be needed but could be given in other ways.

Junk food is normally softer, never requires cutting or barely chewing.

I would try to cut out as much junk food as possible. Even if its healthy finger food to start with carrot sticks, unprocessed (chewy!) bread. And if she doesn't eat it save it for whens she's hungry. All bad habits can be broken.

This is what I would do .

Keep her food on the side and offer it again when she comes down. Don't feed her though. You can also use a timer so you're not dragging the whole process out. Give a very small portion and a twenty minute timer, what isn't eaten she can come back to later if she complains she's still hungry.

This!