To make my 5yo feed herself or go without.

[allcorners]

My dd is 5 in fact 6 next month and never eats her dinner on her own, she will sit there for an hour and barely touch it so I end up feeding it to her just to get it down her.
If I don't she will get down and leave her meals.

Last night I refused to help her saying I wasn't feeding her anymore and she had to eat it herself.
She went without and came down several times after bedtime saying she was hungry and I said thats because you haven't eaten your dinner, you're not having anything else.

Now I feel evil for letting her go hungry. Do I do the same this evening or should I feed her if it means she gets food in her?

I'd have done the same as you.

Coming down later saying she is hungry and getting food would give her the idea she can pick and choose mealtimes and bedtimes. Shes five and needs boundaries.

I think shes learnt more by you standing firm than faffing around with pandering to her after her bedtime. And I doubt she would have eaten it nicely as youd hope, I think youd have had the same fight over again and a tired tantrummy little girl. She was better off going to sleep and eating than eating a dinner late and going straight to bed. Parenting is hard X

This is such a beautiful message. Mine is 5, and although I won´t miss the occasional tantrum I will miss those moments. Thanks for reminding us to enjoy them.

Stand your ground, dont give in to snacks, she'll eat a meal when she's hungry.
Give in now and you're storing up a whole heap of trouble for later!

My children struggled after shool due to tiredness. We started doing main meal more or less as soon as they were home and they found it a lot easier than trying to eat at 6pm when they were falling over themselves with tiredness and everything felt harder.

Hang in there x

i would check there is nothing developmental going on that is making it difficult for her to use a knife and fork or recognise hunger.

Leave her dinner on the table. When she complains about being hungry, tell her it is still there for her whenever she wants to eat it.

Any update on how last nights dinner went OP?

I think she is doing for attention and time with you. Does she get enough one to one time with you. Maybe try this: after she has eaten her meal all by herself, you and her have some special one to one time with lots of cuddles ,chatting or whatever she wants to do. See if anything changes. Also, cut out sweet things and snacks before dinner as this lowers your appetite for food. Also make sure dinner is not too late

I agree with you there! The suggestion of the sticker chart was actually good because it isn’t about force feeding, it’s about modifying behaviour. And it’s not, as someone said about paying op’s dd to eat.

My friend’s ds was the same. He grew out of it when he was about 7. His mum would feed him if tired or plonk the fork in the food and tell him to eat every mouthful if not snd often somewhere in between. My 15 yo dd wouldn’t use a knife and fork correctly until she went to secondary. She now eats very daintily.

I know a 12 yo, who takes over an hour to eat a meal and most kids get there in the end. They aren’t mini adults and will be skilled in one area and not another.

I felt a bit like a failure because dd would avoid using cutlery as much as possible. But I picked my battles and I am glad I did because she needs to know her own mind as much as possible and find her way in life.

No, the suggestion of a sticker chart was not good, and this is why:

https://sarahockwell-smith.com/2014/09/19/the-problem-with-stickers-and-reward-charts/

Don’t make a thing of it.

refuse to feed her and remind her she’s a big girl now and not a baby. If she doesn’t eat it, take it away and cling film it. When she’s hungry reheat it for her. Don’t entertain her by putting Tv on. Pop the plate down and say she needs to feed herself if she’s hungry. it’s her choice.

My son (6.5) did this and he was just being insanely lazy. I cut his food up but when he started expecting me to feed him I just left the plate there for a reasonable amount of time needed for dinner. I took his plate off him when we all finished and didn’t make a thing of it and he soon realised he wouldn’t get baby’d.

my son is an incredible eater (nothing he doesn’t eat so eats whatever we have. He was just being pure lazy, so I wasn’t enabling it. They learn pretty quick. If you revert to feeding her you’re just enabling her.

stay strong, the habit will break quickly.

Yanbu
My daughter was like this. I do go and feed her the vegetables by hand but then I just leave it. She has started to eat for herself now. I've realised she doesnt like chips or bread tho.. but its fine really as long as she eats the rest of the meal. She's 5. She just likes the attention of being fed

This is such a cynical, depressing view of kids - that they'll deliberately be difficult just to 'get their own way'. Only if they've got used to the idea of parenting being a giant power play! See your kids as miniature human beings and try to get to the bottom of what they are trying to tell you. Clearly sometimes you have to lay down the law, but food is a spectacularly bad area to do that in. Kids are indeed stubborn and it's a power play they may well end up winning, to the detriment of all concerned. So take the battle of wills out of it altogether! Give her food she likes, listen to her worries, compromise where possible, push gently. Don't lay down the law like a sergeant major. It'll come back to bite you eventually.

Have you talked to her about why she won't feed herself? If there's nothing deeper going on I wouldn't feed her, I'd cut the food up for her, and maybe give her small plates to start with so she isn't overwhelmed, but ultimately she has to feed herself. I'd also cut down the snacks if they are treaty type things so she has more incentive to eat her dinner (or turn snack time into a little picnic meal).

Id be feeding her. She will grow out of it. She will have a pal around some day soon and wotn have you feeding her her dinner. I would never ever ever make an issue out of food, of any kind at all. If feeding her keeps her fed and happy and for some reason best known to herself, she likes you doing it.
Have you asked her? Sweety why do you like me feeding you, i know you are able to do it and I dont mind helping you, but why do you like me to do it?
She may have an anwer, even if its just I dont know mummy i just like it.
shes 5, not 15.
Shes a dot. I dont know any teenagers that want their mammy to feed them, it will pass, and the less of a big deal you make over food, the better.
Kindness always wins, much more so than any shite about 5 yr olds wanting control.

This

My kid is a little older and not a big eater.

She will eat if I feed her This won't last forever and I want my child to eat. I think its cruel doing this to a 5 year old and you are risking her having issues with food.

I know how tiring it can be to be feeding a child who should be capable at rhe end of the day, however "children do well if they can" and if they are struggling at the end of the day this could be too much for them. The fact they preferred ro go hungry suggests they genuinely don't ha enough spoons at the end of the day, could you try drilling down to find out why? And see if you can come to an agreement how to move forward. Perhaps fi ger foods or food cut up (let them suggest the solutions until you find one you both like) might be a compromise to help navigate this

She eats sweet foods like yoghurts herself so it isn't that she can't it's a game

I despair. a game? shes 5.
and yoghurts are easy to eat, thats rather the point.

@Dairywairy wow do you know my sister lol cause I was just about to comment the same thing. 4 and 2 yr old won't feed themselves as always spoon-fed by mom. Consequently when I babysit 4 yr old, I have to spoon-feed them but no issues feeding themselves crisps/sweets/choc etc.

OP, I wouldn't give in just yet. If dc doesn't feed themselves then they don't eat. Hopefully the message will sink in after a few days.

the answer is to let her leave the table, and then when she comes back for a snack, get the rest of her meal from the fridge and give it to her. At the table.
Sit with her while she eats, or not, but no longer than 15 minutes.

Rince and repeat

And i agree with pp: no yummy snacks between meals for those who don't eat meals.

do you have other, younger children, OP?

@Doteycat It is not kind to a child to keep them dependent on you.

It is doing a child a kindness to foster independence and to provide them with clear expectatIons and appropriate boundaries.

I have 3 exremely well rounded well adjusted independant adult children whom i treated with kindness and made sure there were no food issues. Being kind and letting them be fed, or sleep in our bed, or any other things they do when they are 5 did not inhibit their independance.
OP is not "keeping her dependant" In fact the opposite, she has not said, how do i make sure she wants me to feed her?

IME the parents who shouted loudest about "independance" were usually the laziest who couldnt be bothered doing things for their kids. And it shows now in their adulthood.