To make my 5yo feed herself or go without.

[allcorners]

My dd is 5 in fact 6 next month and never eats her dinner on her own, she will sit there for an hour and barely touch it so I end up feeding it to her just to get it down her.
If I don't she will get down and leave her meals.

Last night I refused to help her saying I wasn't feeding her anymore and she had to eat it herself.
She went without and came down several times after bedtime saying she was hungry and I said thats because you haven't eaten your dinner, you're not having anything else.

Now I feel evil for letting her go hungry. Do I do the same this evening or should I feed her if it means she gets food in her?

I used to have to sit at the table until I’d eaten it all (well the veggies anyway). At 5 she should feed herself if you just let her “starve” a couple of nights I think she will eventually get the message that you aren’t helping anymore. Obviously if she doesn’t get the message you’ll have to do something else as you can’t actually let her starve but I’d try what you’re doing first in your situation.

As a ‘veteran parent’ of three one being a teen, barbie has it pretty on the mark. It’s not about being perfect it’s about raising self sufficient children. A NT child sans disability at 6 can and should be feeding themselves almost every day. Not refusing to make an effort because they know mum will give in, it would’ve been much easier for OP if she had enforced that boundary when child was younger.

She’s not doing this to piss you off. There will be underlying reasons for the difficulties with eating - sensory issues, motor coordination issues, anxiety, etc. There always are.

Sure, most kids can feed themselves by this age. Most kids who do have worked it out more or less in their own, without their parents needing to punish them or threaten them or bribe them. They just do it because they can. If she can’t do it yet, she just can’t.

Things to try: don’t make her sit at the table; reduce other sensory input; give her a choice about what she eats. If the adults are eating different food that smells strongly (E.g. of garlic etc) let her have her food somewhere else.

I'm surprised you didn't stop years ago like at 18 months or earlier. Stick to your guns if she's hungry she will eat once she realises your no longer a push over.

She is 6 it's learned behaviour now.

This is very poor parenting.

Children should be intrinsically motivated. Star charts and rewards are very outdated methods and they should NEVER be linked to food - that fosters a very unhealthy relationship to food.

It sounds like you are very behind on how to raise healthy, well developed children.

Cut out the snacks, if she is hungry after school give her milk. Everybody at the table together, make sure the tv is off and ignore her if she isn't eating, chat over her. When you are all finished ask her if she is going to eat, when she says no, take the plate away and say nothing. If she is hungry later offer her the plate of dinner she left. She is playing you and loves the drama.

Just to add: the ‘if she’s hungry she’ll eat’ business is bullshit. I didn’t eat for 9 days as a child when my parents were trying to break me of my ‘picky eating’. I was fucking hungry. I just could not eat the things they were trying to make me eat.

Turned out I had a stomach ulcer.

As I'm sure you'll find out when you are a more experienced parent and don't still have your training wheels on, rather than doing two years of it and thinking you know everything and have got it all perfect

I can’t see anything emphatic behaviour, kindness nor emotional intelligence in this. In fact this is unbelievably bitchy and I hope it gets removed.

Agreed this whole sticker chats two mouthfuls for one is madness. Dragving this out will make it into a thing. Rip the band aid off. Find some mom daughter activities to give her the mom time she craves.

No, I wouldn't be feeding a 5 year old. Assuming no special needs, of course. Other than that, it's eat or leave it time. But no snacks afterwards.

You're out of order she's only 5, she doesn't understand herself, then you went and denied her food when she came down saying she was hungry, she will just learn the lesson that you are cruel. She might have sensory needs or not like the food. Give her what she will eat

You could try a conversation like "Do you know what? I think Mummy has been very silly! I was talking to (Nana/teacher/my little bird/Father Christmas) and they told me you are five now! I forgot! I thought you were only four and a half, so that's why I've been feeding you like a baby! Silly me, thinking you aren't old enough to feed yourself" It MIGHT work! It worked with my four year old who was anxious about school, so I was taking him to his classroom. The teacher asked me to leave him at the front gate, and I was worried about how he would cope. H just said "Silly Mummy" and went in without a backward glance.

I would have the conversation, then at dinnertime put her meal in front of her, be happy, remind her once she's five now, and she's going to show you what a big girl she is, then get on with your own meal. When you've finished , clear her plate with yours (Unless she's eating) without comment, no matter how much is on her plate. If she later says she's hungry, just remind her that she should have eaten her dinner. If possible I'd try this first at a weekend, and have your main meal at midday, so she isn't actually going to bed hungry. And stop the snacks!

Oh give over. If she didn't like the food she would refuse it when mum spoon feeds her.

I agree that she shouldn't have just let her go hungry and should have reheated the dinner and given her another chance to eat it by herself.

I wouldn't fees ger but if she agreed to come downstairs and feed gwrself then yes I would let her. She's still young so just explain that in future she needs to do it like a big girl in the first place.

Cut all sugar and yummy snacks until she eats 2/3 proper meals a day.
It will take a few days then she will be into the swing of things.
No snacks until she eats her proper meals

Agree with this but also she obviously wants your attention.

Could you speak to her before tea and offer some extra time with you if she eats her tea on her own- play a game/colouring whatever she wants?

I'd just feed her and be done with it. She won't want you feeding her when she's a teenager so it will come to an end.

Does she have a younger sibling or any reason to not want to grow up?

I’d be a bit concerned about this actually and would want to get to the bottom of why she wants to be fed like a baby.

Do you all sit at the table together?

I would a lovely healthy meal and encourage her to eat it herself but help if she needs to.
Then I’d have a nice tasty pudding and tell her she needs to feed herself or she goes without.

After a couple of weeks of her eating her pudding herself I would say about eating 1/4 of the plate herself if she wants the pudding.

Then after s couple weeks, increase it to half the plate and so on.

If she’s not a big eater then withholding food isn’t going to work.
Having a reward like a tasty pudding could work better.

You could even try a reward sticker chart.

Please don't put her in front of the tv to eat.

It will create a life-long habit.

Dinner in the evening is family time. Coming together discussing the day.
How did school, work go, what needs to happen in the household, granny's birthday coming up etc.
Anything that needs discussing.

Chilling out after a long day too.

I now realise what's missing from your thoughts here.

It's wisdom, which is not the same thing at all as parroting the opinions of some author of a book preying on parents' anxiety, who is laughing all the way to the bank.

That's not a comparable situation, this isn't food that is going to hurt the child or that the child doesn't like, all she has to do is put it on a fork and put it in her mouth.

Some people forget that there isn't always underlying reasons behind behaviour and sometimes kids are just taking the easy way because they know they can.

I can't understand why you're so against feeding her. It's not going to be a problem in ten years and she probably has an emotional reason for this. In parts of Asia it would be entirely normal as is co-sleeping. It won't harm her.

The reality is she is more than capable of feeding herself. I had two blw babies who were never spoon fed so I stopping is never a problem I had to face. However, I can see why a 5yo would like it. She’ll have been getting attention from it and may well just enjoy/take comfort from it. going cold turkey might be quite a lot without some sort of reward/bribery if it’s a habit that has developed over years. Maybe see how this week goes and re-evaluate but be conscious that she might not really that hungry. My 4yo eats like a bird at night.

She might be tired after school. You know that kind of tired where EVERYTHING just feels too much effort?

You could go cold turkey but I think it's more likely just to result in her not eating - can you do it more slowly? e.g. you get a fork each, you cut everything up for her then you take it in turns, you feed a bite then she feeds herself a bite, lots of praise for her doing it herself. Over time you get her to take more bites herself and fade out your feeding role, encouraging her to do more (e.g. cutting up) herself.

This is more likely to build the habit for her and feel more supportive than just cutting it off.

There are some good positive parenting suggestions in this free course: https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting/home/welcome

It's not a short term thing if she's never fed herself yes she may enjoy the attention but it's not helping her to go hungry at school or be this reliant on mum.