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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a stepchildren and bedrooms one!

353 replies

SettleThis · 20/09/2023 09:07

I am pregnant and have three stepchildren (SD8, SD7 and SS5). SO and I live in a three-bedroom house, with an additional reception room downstairs used as a home office at the moment. At some point in the next 2-3 years we’re hoping to remodel and add another bedroom upstairs, but this isn’t an immediate priority right now.

IABU - baby will have to stay in your bedroom then move into the downstairs office (this is SO’s opinion)

IANBU - girls will have to move downstairs and baby into upstairs bedroom (this is my opinion)

OP posts:
Coffeepot72 · 21/09/2023 09:11

it appears the only ‘safe’ option would be the OP building a fireproof panic room and locking everyone in it together each night.

The perfect solution! And of course, the OP should pay ....

Batatahara · 21/09/2023 09:18

I'm really surprised that some people have older children - even teens - who would be scared to be on a separate floor. My kids used to be on a separate floor in our old house and whenever we stay with my parents they are too and I don't think it's ever occurred to them to worry about it.

I don't live my life in fear of burglaries and to be honest my kids would almost certainly sleep through 🤣

truthhurts23 · 21/09/2023 09:19

your dh is being ridiculous, your baby lives there 100% so should get the best room, sounds like he’s prioritising his first children over the baby

Caro678 · 21/09/2023 09:19

I wouldn’t want my 8,7 or 5 year old sleeping downstairs alone at night, nor my baby. My kids would be scared and lonely, not even taking into account the psychological impact of being kicked out of your bedroom in favour of a new sibling.

In my opinion, the baby has to stay in your bedroom until building a new bedroom upstairs becomes a priority.

truthhurts23 · 21/09/2023 09:20

Caro678 · 21/09/2023 09:19

I wouldn’t want my 8,7 or 5 year old sleeping downstairs alone at night, nor my baby. My kids would be scared and lonely, not even taking into account the psychological impact of being kicked out of your bedroom in favour of a new sibling.

In my opinion, the baby has to stay in your bedroom until building a new bedroom upstairs becomes a priority.

They don’t live there , they only stay on their custody time

Yummybumble · 21/09/2023 09:21

We just had babe in with us until we did the work which was when he was about 2/3 years old.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/09/2023 09:24

Baby and dss share a room, especially if the baby is a boy this would seem most logical - two boys in ken two girls in the other.

If the baby is a girl then she needs to swap with the downstairs room for the girls who will be older by then and also won't be scared as they'll have each other. You could put a baby monitor in their room for peace of mind too.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 21/09/2023 09:26

Get one of those educational doll babies that cries when needing attention, like schools use to educate teenagers about the realities of having a baby. Put it downstairs in the office and get DP to attend to it. I guarantee he won't last a week and will agree to having his two DDs downstairs.

Then get your DSDs involved in planning and decorating their room.

After that, move them in, put your office in their old upstairs room and gradually and sensitively make it over into the nursery, involving all your DSC if possible to get them excited and involved with their new half-sibling before s/he is born.

Sorted.

Cailin66 · 21/09/2023 09:32

I don’t see the issue here as there are 4 bedrooms. The two girls go downstairs. Make the room up as an adventure with them. The boy gets his own room upstairs, (and to his taste,) and the baby gets a nursery. The baby should take the bigger room so a cot, changing table, armchair (feeding/breastfeeding) can fit comfortably. I moved my baby out way before 6 months as I could not sleep if they moved.

The fact they are stepchildren is irrelevant, this is what I would do.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 21/09/2023 09:34

Tbh I think you should have worked this out before now, but this is where you are.
It’s not reasonable to have ANY of the children sleeping downstairs. Keep the baby in with you until you get an additional bedroom.

TheMountainsCall · 21/09/2023 09:35

When I allocate rooms I always put the youngest closest, second youngest next closest, etc. Oldest furthest away. Younger ones are more likely to need me in the night and I want to be able to hear them. If the baby moved downstairs I'd go down there with them.

CoffeeBean5 · 21/09/2023 09:37

SettleThis · 20/09/2023 16:35

I earn double, and he pays child maintenance and joint debts he has with his ex. He works really hard, just is in a less lucrative field than me. We’re not married and any extra I pay goes into the house, which is primarily owned by me, so I’m not being screwed over or anything. If we were to split I would be absolutely fine financially.

In a couple of years when we’ll have more equity, SO will have paid off his and his ex’s debts, and our baby or babies will be a bit older so we’ll be paying out less in nursery fees. At that point, depending on the local market, we’ll either extend to add 2/3 bedrooms and a bathroom, or move. It will be a bit of a squish to have four or five children in three bedrooms but it’s not damaging, especially as three of them are rarely here. Plenty of families do it.

Show quote history

So you pay for the mortgage, maintenance of the house, bills etc? Your DP is seriously cheeky if he thinks he can dictate who stays in which room. He's lucky to be living rent free and have somewhere him and his 3 children can live! Give your child the biggest and nicest bedroom. It's your house. Don't build the extension just so his children (your step children) don't have to share or have smaller bedrooms!!

ImNotAsThinkAsYouDrunkIAm · 21/09/2023 09:37

All of this angst about having older children on a different floor is astonishing. How on earth do they think people in town houses cope? Or converted bungalows with one bedroom in the loft? Having a baby/ toddler on a different floor is mental though. Both mine woke multiple times a night, one of them until they were four or five. Once they got past about 2 years old it usually just involved them appearing in my room and me then walking them back to their bedroom, whereupon they’d go straight back to sleep and I’d go back to bed - no way would I want to be going up and down stairs, having had them yell for me from from the ground floor or tackle the stairs on their own in the middle of the night (clearly not an option- so they are going to be shouting the house down and potentially waking everybody in the house up).

And from what I can see the OP is not prioritising the new baby over her step children. She’s just being practical, and, if anything, considering their needs too. They could share with the baby, but that would involve the girls having bunk beds which they don’t want, or sharing with a sibling they don’t want to share with. She’s considering what they want, and their needs not to be woken up in the middle of the night by a toddler screaming for mum from the ground floor. And it makes little sense to have mum and dad sharing with a toddler when 70% of the time there are three other empty spare rooms in the house.

DarkForces · 21/09/2023 09:40

I'd put the oldest child downstairs as a) they're likely to go to bed later and so be less affected by family noise and b) they'll be the most independent. I was on a different floor to the rest of my family and loved it (although I was up not down so got extra privacy).

If possible I'd get a lock for the downstairs room (that you can open in emergencies) to avoid the risk of people treating it like a family room

TrashedSofa · 21/09/2023 09:40

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 21/09/2023 09:26

Get one of those educational doll babies that cries when needing attention, like schools use to educate teenagers about the realities of having a baby. Put it downstairs in the office and get DP to attend to it. I guarantee he won't last a week and will agree to having his two DDs downstairs.

Then get your DSDs involved in planning and decorating their room.

After that, move them in, put your office in their old upstairs room and gradually and sensitively make it over into the nursery, involving all your DSC if possible to get them excited and involved with their new half-sibling before s/he is born.

Sorted.

This.

grumpycow1 · 21/09/2023 09:43

I would transition the downstairs office into a baby area (changing table, cot for naps etc) just temporarily, and at night have the baby in with me until they are around 1. Don’t spend time decorating etc yet as it’s temporary.

Then, when baby is 1ish, the downstairs room becomes the eldest girls’ room and you go to town decorating it for them in the style they want.

It actually might be handy for you to have this room downstairs while baby is little, save going upstairs to change them etc.

If you go this route, the girls will be older by then too. And baby goes into the upstairs bedroom when they are ready and you can decorate it all lovely for baby 😊

There is no way I would sleep on a different floor to my baby. But they do advise them to be in your room until around 1 anyway.

Zonder · 21/09/2023 09:50

@Uggtrending OP has made it clear several times that even if she were the birth mother she would put the oldest two downstairs, and the baby near her. Lots of people have agreed. Currently 82%.

Coffeepot72 · 21/09/2023 09:55

truthhurts23 · 21/09/2023 09:19

your dh is being ridiculous, your baby lives there 100% so should get the best room, sounds like he’s prioritising his first children over the baby

Yep - Dad guilt.

uneffingbelievable · 21/09/2023 09:58

First of all I agree with OP.

Martin Chuzzlewit - how do you figure the father has prioritised his DCS - he sees them 75 days per year and 3 weeks of holiday - that is bugger all. Does not even equate to EOW and an ON during the week.

Uggtrending · 21/09/2023 09:59

@Zonder ok OP is now sorted with her DH all she has to do is show him the thread 😀

Caro678 · 21/09/2023 09:59

Just wanted to add space-saving suggestions in order to keep all the children happy and upstairs.

I don’t think 3 children should be forced to share just because they’re all girls. Split them 2 oldest and 2 youngest.

-Trundle beds instead of bunk beds, or one of those beds that folds down out of the wall?
-Put the girl’s furniture, toys clothes etc in the downstairs office, have it as a shared office/playroom. Keep the bedroom just for beds and sleeping to maximise space for beds and cot

  • get a cot on wheels so that you can wheel it into SS bedroom when he is not there and back in your bedroom when he is there (until baby is ready for a proper bed)
  • you don’t need a changing table . Just a mat that can live underneath the cot and you can change on the floor. It’s safer anyway!
Goldie2021 · 21/09/2023 09:59

You and DH move downstairs, all children upstairs.

Nanny0gg · 21/09/2023 10:01

SettleThis · 20/09/2023 17:01

Because that doesn’t solve the issue of being on a different floor to the baby who will be there 100% of the time.

It’s a safe area and we have good security. The downstairs room is beneath ours so we’d hear if anyone called out.

Show quote history

Just keep persisting with your partner. Does he get an actual veto? Because neither of you are happy with the other's suggestion one of you will have their own way.

Your suggestion makes the most sense

Lachimolala · 21/09/2023 10:02

I’m not a SM anymore but my kids are now the SC in another household.

If my ex had another baby and left said baby downstairs unsupervised every night I’d ask him if he’d lost his mind, it’s just recipe for disaster. Babies are vulnerable and they do need to be kept close.

I wouldn’t have an issue with my kids having anew bigger bedroom on a different floor in their dads house, in my own house I’m on the attic room and they’re on the floor underneath.

OP I would put the girls downstairs and get them involved in doing the room up. Take them to buy paint and cute decor bits. Frame it as their lovely new big girls room, I would do that with my own kids.

Orangello · 21/09/2023 10:08

OP doesn't want her baby downstairs but is happy to have other people's kids on the floor by themselves

If I had one bedroom downstairs, I would certainly rather put my 8-9yo there than my baby.

People so worried about their children leaving the house and starting cooking in the middle of the night - you do realise that unless you block your stairs every night, the can still just go down and do that?