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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a stepchildren and bedrooms one!

353 replies

SettleThis · 20/09/2023 09:07

I am pregnant and have three stepchildren (SD8, SD7 and SS5). SO and I live in a three-bedroom house, with an additional reception room downstairs used as a home office at the moment. At some point in the next 2-3 years we’re hoping to remodel and add another bedroom upstairs, but this isn’t an immediate priority right now.

IABU - baby will have to stay in your bedroom then move into the downstairs office (this is SO’s opinion)

IANBU - girls will have to move downstairs and baby into upstairs bedroom (this is my opinion)

OP posts:
MartinChuzzlewit · 20/09/2023 21:02

Those saying they’d only have teens on the ground floor - why?

Uggtrending · 20/09/2023 21:06

@MartinChuzzlewit I have explained.... OP started saying her partner can take his kids if he doesn't like it and it's her house. I stated this already that I think its concerning that OP resolves things in that manner. RTFT before you comment about what others post.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/09/2023 21:12

Do you know the sex of the baby? Could baby share with siblings at all once he or she is one year?

Could you put baby in with ds if a boy and you guys take the box room? You could put any furniture that doesn’t fit in the downstairs room and have it as a dressing room or similar.

I do have my ds9 on a different floor from me though (he and dd14 are on the same floor though, and it’s the first floor not the ground floor).

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/09/2023 21:13

I think perhaps the baby isn’t a real person to your DH yet as he/ she isn’t born yet. So he doesn’t feel the same love for them as the children he can actually see, hear etc. because they’re not physically “here” to him (but they are to your as you’re pregnant!

ConsuelaHammock · 20/09/2023 21:15

Baby gets the bedroom because they are there full time and also because they’re a baby. Babies need to be kept close.

Hummingbird89 · 20/09/2023 21:25

MartinChuzzlewit · 20/09/2023 20:24

There’s some seriously dickish twatty comments on here from people who think if a marriage doesn’t work out neither men or women should so much as glance at another.

Its fucking Victorian.

OP and her OH are clearly very good parents/step parents, who have prioritised the children and are now just trying to sensitively navigate the choppy waters of a new baby - something they’d have to do anyway if the children WERE the OPs.

I honestly think some MNers think that all stepmums MUST have been the OW, even if she met him years later, and if a new baby MUST be born it should be hidden and shunned to please the children who only live there a fraction of the time. And obviously parent and step parent must self flaggelate for the rest of their days for inflicting this deep trauma on everyone.

I honestly think that twatty comments are coming from bitter posters whose OHs found someone less twattish and fucked off with them - I can’t blame them TBH. Some of you on here sound like awful humans

Absolutely nailed it 👏
OP you have gone above and beyond in explaining yourself here to dickheads who are nitpicking at you and your partner, and trying to make you out to be shit parents. You’re clearly great parents who have prioritised your step kids. The “step” is a red herring- even if they were bio kids, your solution is absolutely fucking OBVIOUSLY the most sensible. YADNBU.

CauliflowerBouquet · 20/09/2023 21:27

@FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper

This isn't what's going on here, though. They're not being put in a more cramped or inconvenient space. They're getting a larger space, and a lot of kids would actively prefer a bigger downstairs room.

I would never be happy with being on a different floor to my toddler. The thought of a sleepy toddler tripping on the stairs is a big worry for me. It just makes most sense for a baby (who needs care in the night) to be close to patents.

It's not about who is 'lucky' vs 'unlucky'. Having two homes might have its drawbacks for the kids. Being kids of a second family where your siblings come and go can also have its drawbacks. There's no point getting into all that in every decision you need to make.

As far as I'm concerned, step or not, kids will all do best when they have a home where they are cared for, thought about and their needs considered. You take care of baby's night time supervision needs by having baby on the same floor as you. You take care of DSDs emotional needs by letting them personalize their new (bigger) space.

You may find they love the idea anyway. My DSD and eldest DD share the big downstairs bedroom (so baby can have the upstairs box room) - the older two love having the biggest room of all.

Legale · 20/09/2023 21:29

You've had some utterly bizarre, bitter replies, OP!
Rest assured that in the real world, YANBU! Baby shouldn't be on a different floor to you.

PosterBoy · 20/09/2023 22:21

MartinChuzzlewit · 20/09/2023 21:02

Those saying they’d only have teens on the ground floor - why?

Just personal opinion from my family/everyone I know.

It's often scary for kids, it would have been for mine. Even my teens wouldn't like it tbh. More noise, by the door, possible break-ins, can't have the window open. Younger kids - also no control over hearing them go downstairs and mess around as they are already downstairs.

I already mentioned the one person I know whose pre-teen slept downstairs and burglars got in through his open window. I just remembered my daughter's best friend who swapped rooms with her brother to be in the bigger room on the ground floor and was terrified when someone tried to break in through her window and woke her up. The dog saw them off.

It's not that sleeping upstairs stops burglars, it's that you are using your kids as the first point of contact with strangers entering the house. At least if they are teens they might cope a bit better psychologically/be able to wake you up rather than frozen in fear.

I just prefer to put myself in the more dangerous spaces for burglars not my kids, if possible.

JRM17 · 21/09/2023 00:18

Why will the baby be in the room for at least 6 months. My lo was in his own room at 8wks as I'm a REALLY light sleeper and I was getting less than 2hrs a night and my husbands snoring was disturbing baby so he went in to his own room, slept 8hrs from the first night he moved and 12hrs a night from 10wks. Best decision ever.

PosterBoy · 21/09/2023 03:00

Because it reduces the risk of cot death by 50%?

Obviously it's personal choice but it's just what most people do these days because it's safer.

DancingDogsAndSingingCats · 21/09/2023 03:48

As you have said your SS would love to share with the baby, you can get high sleepers with a cot underneath. Someone I know had one in a small room.

MamaBear4ever · 21/09/2023 04:11

Let them design their new downstairs room and make it their space . They will love it. Baby needs to be near you

Ladyj84 · 21/09/2023 04:14

Well dad did well meeting you with your own house...anyway in our house 3 bed 2 boys in one room twin girls in other. Two sets of bunk beds all happy. I wouldn't want the step child downstairs away from everyone all treat equally and the ages yours are not sure why it's such a big fiasco. Wouldn't matter who's baby it would not be sent downstairs it would be with the rest of us.

saffronsoup · 21/09/2023 05:41

I think a post where a dad felt his 7 and 8 year old should be fine in a ground floor bedroom away from parents and the mom OP felt differently and felt they were too young it wasn’t safe you would get very different responses.

I think moving them for the baby is a terrible idea but if it is your only option then you have to do it. You can’t put the baby downstairs. They are old enough to figure out easily this move isn’t for them so pretending it is will just seem disingenuous. They will know they are being displaced from the room for the bay. That is the reality of their lives.

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 21/09/2023 06:08

Baby will need to sleep in the same room as you for 6 months anyways

minipeony · 21/09/2023 07:01

JRM17 · 21/09/2023 00:18

Why will the baby be in the room for at least 6 months. My lo was in his own room at 8wks as I'm a REALLY light sleeper and I was getting less than 2hrs a night and my husbands snoring was disturbing baby so he went in to his own room, slept 8hrs from the first night he moved and 12hrs a night from 10wks. Best decision ever.

Because cot death

ohdamnitjanet · 21/09/2023 07:01

MartinChuzzlewit · 20/09/2023 20:24

There’s some seriously dickish twatty comments on here from people who think if a marriage doesn’t work out neither men or women should so much as glance at another.

Its fucking Victorian.

OP and her OH are clearly very good parents/step parents, who have prioritised the children and are now just trying to sensitively navigate the choppy waters of a new baby - something they’d have to do anyway if the children WERE the OPs.

I honestly think some MNers think that all stepmums MUST have been the OW, even if she met him years later, and if a new baby MUST be born it should be hidden and shunned to please the children who only live there a fraction of the time. And obviously parent and step parent must self flaggelate for the rest of their days for inflicting this deep trauma on everyone.

I honestly think that twatty comments are coming from bitter posters whose OHs found someone less twattish and fucked off with them - I can’t blame them TBH. Some of you on here sound like awful humans

Well said! The op sounds awesome.

minipeony · 21/09/2023 07:02

MartinChuzzlewit · 20/09/2023 20:37

I’m also beginning to worry that I don’t wring my hands enough over break ins

Someone asked me before about my house - it’s 5 floors (including a basement level).

We are on top floor, DS (6) underneath us and DD (10) on the 1st floor.

No I don’t worry about burglars coming in and slashing the kids as we sleep. Or anything else that has a minuscule chance of happening. I’m not sure if people are aware but we have ears and can hear what happens in the house. Plus I grew up in a bungalow (which actually got burgled 4 times!) and I was never afraid.

Edited

5 floors! Well done for coping with the stairs. But yes totally agree it's doable.

ohdamnitjanet · 21/09/2023 07:05

Children move bedrooms all the time for all sorts of reasons, we certainly did as our needs were different as we grew up and we rightly never had a say. Of course the baby shouldn’t be on a different floor. I wonder if @SettleThis had some back up from a maternity care professional dp would accept he’s being unreasonable?

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 21/09/2023 07:18

I wouldn't like ANY children downstairs without adults. No way no how. It's just too dangerous, if someone breaks in, if children decide to start getting up to mischief and either sneaking out or letting others in etc....

Do the extension, move yourselves into it, and then have the DC upstairs when they're all old enough.

itsallnewnow · 21/09/2023 07:22

You won't need to sort it for a while anyway as you're still pregnant and baby should be in your room minimum of 6 months.
Make it seem a positive to the girls. Treat them to a big girl room, let them choose layout and new wallpaper and curtains etc

Joeylove88 · 21/09/2023 07:28

This can be a really fun thing for the two girls. I would make it a fun and positive experience for them and point out all of the pro's of being downstairs like getting up earlier than everyone else to watch TV etc. Your baby should be close to you 100%

madeinmanc · 21/09/2023 07:30

[I've not read the whole thread] Make the move downstairs special for the girls by taking them to IKEA and letting them pick a nice paint and furniture etc. so they actually look forward to moving into the room.

ST10 · 21/09/2023 07:33

Tell him he’ll have to run up and down the stairs every time the baby needs you in the night and he’ll soon change his mind! The baby needs to be in a room near you definitely