Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex-Military DP keeps turning nasty

261 replies

Brooklans · 20/09/2023 09:07

I need other peoples perspective and advice on this as I can’t talk to anyone in real life about this, and it’s really getting me down 😔

Im in a relationship with someone who was in the army for many years. No longer they’re due to being discharged with PTSD (he was hospitalised under the mental health act when he was realised). This was due to everything he’d seen over the years. People having their limbs blown off from grenades, friends dying, he’s been shot a number of times too. He has night terrors from this still to this day.

95% of the time he is lovely and can’t do enough for me. I’m never in doubt of how he feels towards me, I know he loves me. He makes a real effort for me, always including me in future plans.

Then there’s the remaining 5%… I’ve noticed a pattern, when he’s had alcohol and I’m not physically there with him (he’s fine when we’ve had a drunk together) he will switch and his PTSD and paranoia will kick in badly.

This will lead to him ringing me, FaceTiming me to check where I am and text after text of accusations and abuse. He will also say we’re over because he c

OP posts:
HohiyiKozbevi · 20/09/2023 13:35

A really really important lesson to learn: just because he is broken doesn't mean it's your job to fix him. He's been through a lot, he needs help. You are not the right person to give that help and he should not be in any relationship until he has sorted himself out, however long that takes.

You need to end it. Sorry.

Tanktanktank · 20/09/2023 13:38

If you were my daughter I’d be telling you it’s got to be 100%.

my personal opinion is that you shouldn’t move in, and next time he says it’s over is to make it stay that way. If he’s dumped you it’s then all on him. If you leave him it’s you that’s the bad one.

if you really want him then he’s got to stop drinking 100%, and there should be a good length of time to prove this before you move in.

good luck.

EmmaEmerald · 20/09/2023 13:39

Montezuma "It’s been ugly, traumatic and it’s had a huge impact on my physical health"

oh dear. I must admit, I find that alarming too. I hope you are okay.

EmmaEmerald · 20/09/2023 13:40

Tanktanktank "If you leave him it’s you that’s the bad one."

no, OP is not bad for leaving him.

itsmylife7 · 20/09/2023 13:47

I'd be advising my daughter to walk away not making excuses for his behaviour.

So when you live together and he does his abusive behaviour what are you going to do ?
No escaping him then as your be in the same house!

You'll probably ignore all the advice and move in, have a baby, and live together happily.

In reality you'll become another battered wife OP.

Original poster
Brooklans · 20/09/2023 13:51

Thanks for everyone’s replies again.

I feel so lonely in real life right now 😔

Have not heard from him today, he’s not in work today so no doubt still asleep or nursing a bad hangover from yesterday. I told him once again I was disappointed in his behaviour and that I was not going to communicate while he’s drunk and acting like that. I left it at that and haven’t tried to contact him today.

No idea how he’s going to be when/if he makes contact.

OP posts:
Gumptionesque · 20/09/2023 13:57

If he’s not willing to address this with counselling, medication, whatever it takes, then you need to walk away.

My DH had a serious mental breakdown which started with paranoia and descended into full on psychosis. I can’t begin to tell you how horrifying it was, and how I still carry mental scars from it today. Don’t stay around if he’s not willing to tackle it.

Grumpy101 · 20/09/2023 13:59

Your posts are so concerning, it doesn't sound real. Break it off, block him and be very vigilant. This could turn dangeous.

NoWayRose · 20/09/2023 13:59

Shocked at your mum’s advice. 5% of the time?! To be blunt, it takes seconds to seriously injure someone or worse.

It may or may not be all due to army, but that’s not your problem. I’d walk away before getting anymore involved.

That fact he won’t consider counselling is the absolute dealbreaker. If he can see what he’s doing to you but won’t consider taking action to help stop it when he’s in one of his ‘nice’ moods, he’s not that nice after all.

GingerIsBest · 20/09/2023 14:01

thinking about this some more, I think part of the problem is actually your mum. She is giving you bad advice and, I assume, has also played a role you in accepting this behaviour until now in terms of how she's raised you etc. I think it's really sad. All of my in laws are, in my opinion, complicit in the emotional and verbal abuse SIL suffered because they don't seem to have had the visceral, "OH MY GOD" response to some of his actions that me (and my family, when I've told them about it) have. eg a stream of text messages telling her what an awful person she is followed by, a few hours later, normal chit chat. In my family, no one would consider it okay to do that without grovelling apologies and a commitment to do better. DH's family seemed to think it was "that's how he is".

Topee · 20/09/2023 14:02

If I knew I was an arsehole to someone I love when I drank, I would stop drinking. Simple.

NeighbourhoodWatchPotholeDivision · 20/09/2023 14:05

The bare minimum that you should settle for is him giving up alcohol forever. He's already harming your mental wellbeing. While he sleeps this off, you're reading vile messages.

I have alcoholics in my own family, and thus I can tell you from bitter experience that over the years their behaviour escalates from aggressive paranoid texts. Before I went NC, it had got up to physical violence. It started at texts I could laugh off.

If you're attacked by a violent drunk, it doesn't make any difference to the severity of your injuries if your attacker is "only" like that 5% of the time. It will 100% hurt. You can die from one punch.

FortofPud · 20/09/2023 14:06

The best thing for him (not that that's your motivation) might be for you to turn round and say to him that you love him and the fantastic times together, but the combination of alcohol and ptsd means he is horribly abusive sometimes. That you didn't want the relationship to end but have been left with no choice, and that you hope he can get some help and sort himself out because you want him to be able to be happy in the future.

Right now he needs a wake up call, not to be in a relationship that is allowing the dysfunctional abusive side of him to grow.

And more importantly you need to be safe and happy, which sadly he's currently to messed up to provide you with.

Codlingmoths · 20/09/2023 14:07

Take everything of yours from his house, tell him if you loved me you’d stop drinking since you know what a nasty asshole you are to me when you have a drink. I’ve taken my stuff from your house, and id like my key back as the next time you go off your nut accusing me of anything and everything I am blocking your number, and it will stay blocked. I love nice you very much, but nice you clearly doesn’t love me as you’ve never even suggested not drinking. Do me a favour and next time you order a beer delete my number first so that asshole you abusing me isn’t my last memory of you.

Original poster
Brooklans · 20/09/2023 14:13

GingerIsBest · 20/09/2023 14:01

thinking about this some more, I think part of the problem is actually your mum. She is giving you bad advice and, I assume, has also played a role you in accepting this behaviour until now in terms of how she's raised you etc. I think it's really sad. All of my in laws are, in my opinion, complicit in the emotional and verbal abuse SIL suffered because they don't seem to have had the visceral, "OH MY GOD" response to some of his actions that me (and my family, when I've told them about it) have. eg a stream of text messages telling her what an awful person she is followed by, a few hours later, normal chit chat. In my family, no one would consider it okay to do that without grovelling apologies and a commitment to do better. DH's family seemed to think it was "that's how he is".

My mum is very old fashioned, and my dad was an alcoholic and could turn very nasty when I was a kid.

Not an alcoholic as in the sense that he’d drink all day, he still managed to get up and go to work in the mornings. But at night he’d drink wine/beer into the early hours of the morning by himself infront of the tv. He doesn’t drink anymore after his heart attack.

but I think my mum has witnessed how horrible and moody he can be and thinks “well I’ve been happy enough for the most part all these years”

I do have to add though that she did originally tell me to leave him, and added that he sounds mental, but she also knows that Iove hIm and miss him so much on the times this happens 😔

OP posts:
marylou25 · 20/09/2023 14:17

No good will come of this, your mother's advice is bad and skewed by her own experiences. Protect yourself and your future and call it a day on this relationship!

NeighbourhoodWatchPotholeDivision · 20/09/2023 14:18

After your most recent post, I think it's imperative you leave entirely. It's very difficult for children from alcoholic homes to set rigid boundaries as adults because they've been conditioned to accept abusive behaviour from drunks.

I'm very concerned that even if you set an ultimatum about his drinking, you will find it far too easy to give him another chance if he lapses. And if you forgive him once, you will forgive him again, and he will know that.

OhComeOnFFS · 20/09/2023 14:24

She doesn't need to leave as they don't live together. She just needs to end the relationship.

Bristolnewcomer · 20/09/2023 14:27

I think one of the scariest things about this is how often it happens - it would be completely awful if it happened once a year or once a decade but it's basically at least once a month and he's genuinely expecting you to put up with it.

He's not offering to fix it in any meaningful way is he, he can presumably look back at his messages after he sobers up and go - yeah, I reckon hearing this abusive shit from me more than once a month is a fair price for Brooklans to pay for being in a relationship with me. You know in your heart it is NOT fair and will only get worse. You can't persuade someone to respect you or treat you with kindness if they don't want to. At the end of the day, he just doesn't want to - and that's why you need to leave him x

Original poster
Brooklans · 20/09/2023 14:37

He’s just rung and asked to see me after work. He sounded deflated and a bit shy.

OP posts:
GingerIsBest · 20/09/2023 14:41

Brooklans · 20/09/2023 14:37

He’s just rung and asked to see me after work. He sounded deflated and a bit shy.

Aaah, the classic, "I'm the victim" part is starting. This is where he feels so guilty and so bad that he tells you what a terrible person he is, while beating his chest and trying to wear ashes and sackcloth.

The result is that you land up comforting him and reassuring him and telling him it's not his fault, it's his PTSD.

And nothing ever changes.

If you want any chance of change, don't follow this script. His behaviour is bad. He is the only one who can fix it/

ArabeIIaScott · 20/09/2023 14:42

Yep. Cycling into poor, victim stage. Here we go again. He's hoping you'll feel sorry for him.

Conkersinautumn · 20/09/2023 14:46

So he's that drunk literally 5% of the time? That'd be a fuck no from me. He drinks too much AND uses it to harass you. I'd be walking away from his little red flag parade.

missmatch23 · 20/09/2023 14:47

No I'm sorry this is not right. I have a cousin very similar to this, his background is 22 years in the army, being discharged on mental health grounds. It does not matter what we have been through in life, that is no excuse to abuse anyone else. Ever! I have had this same discussion with my cousin. Having PTSD does not give you a free ticket to be abusive and vile towards others.

He is obviously fully aware that these actions come out more in drink, so why continue drinking if it means you can no longer uphold the mask of being a nice guy. If anything, he's probably showing you what he's really like. He makes a choice to treat you like this. The more you stay. The longer it will continue, and worse it will get.

There's help out there for veterans. There's people he could speak to. If drink is an issue or a crutch, there's people who can help him there too. However, you can't help someone who is making a choice not to help themselves. He's probably love bombing you to counteract the times he's vile.

Time to tell him, get help or get lost. You will become collateral damage in issues he uses to treat others poorly. You deserve much better than this.

Swipe left for the next trending thread