Ex-Military DP keeps turning nasty

[Brooklans]

I need other peoples perspective and advice on this as I can’t talk to anyone in real life about this, and it’s really getting me down 😔

Im in a relationship with someone who was in the army for many years. No longer they’re due to being discharged with PTSD (he was hospitalised under the mental health act when he was realised). This was due to everything he’d seen over the years. People having their limbs blown off from grenades, friends dying, he’s been shot a number of times too. He has night terrors from this still to this day.

95% of the time he is lovely and can’t do enough for me. I’m never in doubt of how he feels towards me, I know he loves me. He makes a real effort for me, always including me in future plans.

Then there’s the remaining 5%… I’ve noticed a pattern, when he’s had alcohol and I’m not physically there with him (he’s fine when we’ve had a drunk together) he will switch and his PTSD and paranoia will kick in badly.

This will lead to him ringing me, FaceTiming me to check where I am and text after text of accusations and abuse. He will also say we’re over because he c

I honestly don’t think it matters why an abuser abuses - bad childhood, violent father, Army, PTSD or whatever- it’s not up to you to fix it.
Walk away now before something happens and before you’re emotionally, financially or practically ( kids) stuck with this man.
Imagine him as a father - imagine his episodes happening to your children.

You can carry on by all means but decide where your red lines are. He needs help (professional) and he needs to stop drinking without you there. Those would be mine.

I’ve looked into EDMR and it seems a really promising therapy.
Pretty you can get it on the NHS too.

@Verbena17 absolutely, and it is interesting, I'm just wary of how much women in abusive relationships can cling onto 'reasons' why he's like that and fixate on ways to save him rather than saving themselves before it's too late.

Firstly do not listen to your mum telling you to stay with an abuser who is nice 95% of the time. Anything less than 100% is not normal. She does not have your welfare at heart.

Screen shot and print out the texts he sends you when like this.
When he is calm and sober tell him you want to chat and show him the print outs so it’s harder to ignore. Tell him how this makes you feel and that he either gets help to stop drinking or this is the end.

but personally I would say you really need to end this as it’s not going to end well. He is having psychotic episodes and needs help and as much as you want to give it you life is going to be on the line one day.

Where are you going on holiday? What happens if he does this there as holidays tend to have all inclusive alcohol??

My DH is military and although he's amazing, I actually agree with you. There is a boys club mentality and women in general aren't spoke about, to or treated with respect. Cheating, domestic violence and sexual assault seem to be accepted and joked about.

Its terribly sad and heartbreaking you can't help him through his ptsd but before you're riddled with your own from his abuse, run for the hills.

You have to take heed of this. You have to.

PTSD can explain actions but it does not condone them. It seems cannot face up to the reality of what drinking does to him. You are not obliged to wait it out whilst he figures it out. Certainly if he takes no accountability afterwards.

I agree with everyone else. You deserve more than having to tiptoe on eggshells in fear of the 5% of the time he's horrible.

Either he stops drinking and gets some help, or you can't be together. IMO anyway.

Every so often I come across a thread on MN that worries me. Yours is one of these threads, OP. For pity's sake don't move in with him, although God only knows what he will put you through if you refuse to give up your home and move in with him.

Your mother's attitude to the situation is appalling. Before she got married my younger daughter lived with an abuser. Unbeknown to me he used to punch her in the head, drag her upstairs by her hair, and accuse her of cheating on him with other men at their joint place of work. If I had known what was going on, I would have got her away from him before he realised what day it was, and woe betide him if he had come anywhere near her again. He was a policeman who had experienced and witnessed all sorts of things. If you had met him, you would have thought that butter wouldn't melt. Thank God she got away from him and is now married to a real sweetheart and the two of them have given me three beautiful grandchildren. I really hope that he will end up going on holiday on his own. Please get rid of him, but do it safely.

Yes! Yes and he was so paranoid about my male friends or colleagues.
But yes, He absolutely did cheat, repeatedly. We never lived together and you notice I say boyfriend not partner, because it transpired he had a long term partner I discovered once I'd finally ended it.
During the 2 years together friends and colleagues had both found him on tinder and plenty of fish. He'd say "since leaving the army I have no friends", but my best friend honey trapped him and he wasn't after friends at all. I had believed him, because I was quite gullible. (Embarrassingly so with hindsight!)

I wouldn't have thought he'd have ever been violent with me at the beginning as he was so nice, and at the time I shrugged it off as him being a bit "bantery" but he absolutely was very violent (twice he put his hands around my throat and squeezed until I was frightened) and I just didn't think it was as big a deal as it was because he had an excuse and explanation always. Sometimes he'd say I couldn't take a joke and I'd be left wondering was I some prude almost? Was it me not seeing the funny side or was I oversensitive because of my upbringing.

It was not me, he was a cheat, a liar, a gaslighter and misogynist.

He was also 6'4 and 17 stone and in decent shape, I'm quite small, he could have easily killed me if he'd have not snapped out of the strangling.
The second time he strangled me it was very peculiar because we'd had a great night and we'd been having a little kiss on the couch and he just started throttling me, no arguments, no warning, nothing. The door went and he just stopped and got up, he'd ordered a pizza (I didn't even know he had done) he brought in his pizza and just chatted to me like nothing happened.

He often called women rats or slags and I know he'd paid for sexual experiences with women, (had I known this before we began a relationship I'd have never bothered with him) and I think with hindsight the things he asked of me sexually were probably from a dark place of porn addiction, but he never pushed me to do things physically, would just do the typical "ah my ex would" kind of comments, but that didn't work on me, luckily.

With the cheating he was so cagey with his phone it was the biggest red flag ever, however, he would say that it was being in the army and not wanting his stuff touched that made him that way so I respected his privacy but it was bollocks, he was just constantly chatting to women on sites. Then accusing me of sleeping with colleagues, mostly.

Please @Brooklans, if you suspect an undercurrent of him hating women, just leave. X

@Brooklans

I feel your pain. My next door neighbour (single), has PTSD from the army, and depression. He’s slightly younger than me and I think he got worse when his son moved out (adult child).

He turns up on the doorstop, really drunk, really tearful, saying we are all he has and we’re the best friends he’s ever had, etc., etc.

But then he turns and luckily my DH is good with people (he works in health) and can talk him down but the amount of times he wants to start a fight with my DH! It’s starting to put a strain on our neighbourly relationship tbh.

I’ve done a lot for him, finding him a GP who’s really got a good handle on mental health issues, I’ll check he’s taking his meds (half the time, he’s not, surprise surprise) and at weekends, I hear him shouting and screaming in his house (he lives alone, with his dog), but we’ve had to take a step back for our own safety.

Everyone else has said the important things but please also listen to yourself, you're not sure whether he's maybe cheating, you're not sure whether he HATES WOMEN.

Wouldn't you rather live with someone who doesn't hate you?

The facts that you're borderline willing to accept this and that your mum thinks you should put up with it - they're related. She's not giving you helpful messages but I THINK your instinct is. You know this isn't right or safe don't know. If you have kids or want to - you know they wouldn't be safe with him.

There's been so much in the news about dangerous dogs and honestly so many of them are nice 95% of the time too.

TeaCosy "Every so often I come across a thread on MN that worries me. Yours is one of these threads, OP. "

agree. You must end this immediately and ideally stay elsewhere for a bit or have a friend stay with you.

I really don't want to read about you being strangled in your sleep - or worse.

I briefly dated someone with PTSD but stopped immediately I realised he had it. I know from mutual contacts that he denies having it.

this was years ago and now I hear he's become very anti-women due to a number of failed relationships. Still no admission that he has any issues. I feel sorry for him but I can't see how anyone can help him.

@Brooklans how do you see the future? You don’t mention how long you’ve been together or whether you want children but you’d be wise to seriously consider whether you should put yourself and any children at this much risk.

Please take professional advice on your future. My reaction is LTB and don’t look back BUT he sounds so unstable that leaving could be very dangerous for you without solid planning. Take advice from the military organisations listed above and Women’s Aid and the police on leaving safely.

It’s sad he’s so damaged but he is who he is. And all the love bombing after each incident is a worry- at what point does that become stalking? Cyber stalking? Tracking your movements?

Be safe.

From what I understand from your post - it is mainly alcohol that makes it worse? I would make this a focus point and tell him that drink makes him a different person and you are not happy with that either he will decide to cut back or get help or he won't in wish case you will have to decide whether to stay with him.

A member of my family suffered ptsd to the point it cost him his life. But I'd still say get out of this situation now. You can't help him, he needs professional intervention without the pressure of a relationship and you need to be safe. I see so much of my ex in the paranoid behaviour described here and he ended up becoming physically abusive and terrifyingly possessive. It got where I couldn't go to the corner shop without him demanding to know who I'd seen and accusing me of cheating. He dictated everything I ate and demanded I prove my loyalty by doing as he said. You really don't need that shit and getting out before you're too enmeshed is the only solution. Drink just magnifies the issue and makes it worse too.

Just nope.

Far too abusive~ sounding.

Alcohol really is a danger here.

What he has witnessed must be truly awful, while Serving, but I'd be very worried dating someone so paranoid.

Please keep yourself safe.

@Brooklans every 3 weeks… you accept it every 3 weeks.. I’d be having a hard sit down conversation with him. He either seeks help immediately, makes plans for further counselling, speaks to his GP and in the meantime abstains from alcohol - or I’d be walking. If he can’t or isn’t willing to make this short term effort for a long term gain (and your relationship) then he doesn’t see his behaviour and it’s impact on you as an important factor.

as for living together - this behaviour always always always escalates. I wouldn’t be loving with someone until they’d been making sustained and successful progress for at least 6 months.

He’s a dangerous abuser. Stop excusing him and leave

unless he can agree that he is way out of line and commits to sorting this out (via counselling etc) the relationship should be over, sadly

@Brooklans Your post deeply concerns me.

It is extremely alarming- It's as if alcohol shows the ''Real him'' that is otherwise kept hidden.

You don’t say how long you’ve been together. DH also has PTSD, not military related, and is very similar. The PTSD is the result of something that happened six years ago and nowhere near as severe as the things your DP has been through. We’ve been together much longer than he’s had PTSD and I stay with him because I love him, I know the person he was before, because we have children and because he’s very slowly improving. It has been absolute hell and he’ll never be fully recovered. I would never leave him as what happened to him was in no way his fault and he’s always been a wonderful man and husband. However, if I was in a new relationship with a man with PTSD and I had no real ties to him, I wouldn’t be able to get out of there quickly enough. It’s not something I’d wish on anyone. It’s been ugly, traumatic and it’s had a huge impact on my physical health. My advice, however much you like him, would be to run for the hills and be cautious of his behaviour while and after leaving him. Sorry OP.

You are not safe from this man. One day when he is like this he will hurt you.