Ex-Military DP keeps turning nasty

[Brooklans]

I need other peoples perspective and advice on this as I can’t talk to anyone in real life about this, and it’s really getting me down 😔

Im in a relationship with someone who was in the army for many years. No longer they’re due to being discharged with PTSD (he was hospitalised under the mental health act when he was realised). This was due to everything he’d seen over the years. People having their limbs blown off from grenades, friends dying, he’s been shot a number of times too. He has night terrors from this still to this day.

95% of the time he is lovely and can’t do enough for me. I’m never in doubt of how he feels towards me, I know he loves me. He makes a real effort for me, always including me in future plans.

Then there’s the remaining 5%… I’ve noticed a pattern, when he’s had alcohol and I’m not physically there with him (he’s fine when we’ve had a drunk together) he will switch and his PTSD and paranoia will kick in badly.

This will lead to him ringing me, FaceTiming me to check where I am and text after text of accusations and abuse. He will also say we’re over because he c

You aren't under any obligation to make anything work with anyone, no matter the reason.
If he is willing to admit he has a problem and get help (it can't just be to stop drinking - he needs to get to the root of it. My exH is ex-army, no PTSD, similar issues with drink) then that's one thing.
It's up to you if you want to stay with him. It's not like you're saying 95% of the time he's perfect but sometimes he forgets to take the bins out...it's more serious than that.
You don't need permission to end it with him - mental health issues or not. It's ok to put yourself first. You need to think about what you want. If he's willing to get help, do you want to stay while he gets it? Either answer is ok. If refuses to acknowledge an issue and keeps on how he is, do you want to stay? Again, either answer is ok but be honest with yourself about what you want for your life.

Whatever his issues, you do not need or deserve to be abused

He may be self medicating for PTSD. He needs help and to stick to the plan the counselor should provide.

please keep distance for your own sake until this happens. Beware of future triggers.

Walk away

Counselling. It could take years. My DH was also diagnosed with PTSD. He’d had years of counselling before we met but there were still flashbacks. Never resulted in anger, he was more likely to go very quiet. We put strategies in place, as exercise helped him enormously he’d say he was going for a run or I’d ask him if he wanted to go for a run. That gave him time on his own to use all the processing and coping strategies he’d learnt with his therapist.
Alcohol never helps, my DH as almost teetotal, occasionally a glass of wine with dinner type of person. As I’d been previously married to an alcoholic this benefitted me too.
He needs a really good therapist. I know my DH wouldn’t have survived his awful trauma without his.

I’ll just say I’m. Not sure of the difference between therapist and counsellor so your DP needs professional advice to find the right on. Good luck.

Has your mum seen those messages? And thinks you should accept that??

You should both have higher expectations for you.

i dont really get its the drink talking-its still him having these thoughts

if he has that many mh problems he needs to carry on with therapy-what happens on holiday when he gets drunk and then starts on you and this time youve got nowhere to go

This

You do not need this in your life OP. Are you sure that he was even in the Military?

I agree with everyone else - you should end the relationship - you're not his rehab.

Regarding the shootings - has he actually got all those bullet hole scars?

What's he like if he's with his friends and not drinking? Or does that never happen?

And don't forget just as you haven't been unfaithful, it's very likely his ex wasn't, either.

He sounds dangerous OP.

It isn't your job to fix him. Wouldn't you prefer to settle down with someone who you can relax with rather than wondering if he was about to turn while you share a bottle of wine?

As someone who escaped a long-term relationship with a military guy, my advice to any woman would be to steer clear. All the military wives will come at me and say "mine is a good one, they're not all like that" etc (and maybe there are some good ones, I'm sure yours is lovely) but my long experience with my ex and having spent a great deal of time around his colleagues/friends from work would indicate that they are normally not good partners.

They live too sheltered a life in terms of being told what to do, when to do it, where to do it and following a very strict superiority/rank system. My experience tells me that they are used to a certain seedy, 'live life to the fullest' lifestyle which includes cheating and generally, they dislike/disrespect women.

Yes, not all of them yada yada - but ALOT of them. And that's before you take the alcoholism/paranoia/PTSD that your partner is suffering from!

Move on, life is too short. Yours sounds like the kind of story that could have a tragic ending which turns up on the national news.

Split up. He has too many issues for you to deal with. He sounds a bit BPD.

I don't know if anyone else has said this but google EDMR Therapy. Its specifically for PTSD and helping to basically 'wipe' trauma.

I could have written what you wrote about my partner. He has had a course of this type of therapy and that 5% has gone away. If he can find someone and have this type of therapy, it is definitely worth it.

It's terrifying that even when he sees you are in your own home, when he's accused you of being out with other men, he isn't convinced.

You need to get rid of this abuser OP. Truly. He will only get worse and you can't change him.

This man will kill you and tell everyone you made him do it. What will your mum say about the 5 percent then?

I'm surprised by the advice from your mum - mine would be dragging me away lol.

I might consider an ultimatum - he gets counselling and goes completely teetotal, or you're over.

It's not up to the OP to google anything unless it's to protect herself. This man has access to help and support and isn't doing anything about it.

Everyone can be nice some of the time. The problem here is what he does in his grumpy time and that has the capacity to get extremely nasty. For your own safety, I think you need to end it.

It was just a suggestion!

@Pinkdelight3 yes of course. My post was for extra (possibly useful) information and not to simply dismiss or excuse the behaviour of her partner, which of course, she shouldn’t have to put up with.

na he's horrible - leave!

I put up with a boyfriend like this in my very early 20s for 1.5 years and it was awful - him showing up outside clubs i was at with friends not believing i was where i said - showing up outside my house to check I was there / not believing I was at work etc etc - it was so freeing the day i split and blocked him! I slept so well that night

Since then any hint of this behaviour at all and I will end the relationship straight away.

It won't get better