To think this might be contributing to my difficulty finding a partner

[healthgal]

I'm 35 and in a professional job, own a home, reasonably attractive, slim, and a friendly sort of person.

But despite looking and dating for 15 years, I've never found a relationship which has lasted more than a few months.

I was discussing with a friend last night and she suggested that one aspect of my lifestyle could be quite off-putting to potential men, and I'm wondering if this could be part of the reason.

I deeply believe in and follow certain lifestyle measures which I believe (and evidence shows) is beneficial to my health. Such habits include;

• fasting such that I only eat lunch and dinner
• avoiding all ultra processed food, which means cooking my own largely plant based food (although am not vegan)
• drinking apple cider vinegar before each meal
• only drinking water and black coffee really

I have no intention of changing these habits as evidence shows them to be hugely beneficial to health. For special occasions like weddings etc I will be flexible, but I'm never going to be someone who goes for a KFC etc.

I obviously couldn't dictate that a future partner followed the same ethos as me, but subconsciously probably wouldn't pursue someone who wasn't at least semi health focused.

But it's got me thinking, is my lifestyle extremist? And is it putting potential suitors off?

But when dating I'm already going out for meals initially, and obviously picking the food which most suits me, but it's often not what I really want to eat. Then I'm having a glass of wine or two each time. So that for me is already compromise. If I'm then going for a cafe breakfast every Saturday, and then we go to the cinema during the week and he wants to share popcorn and so on and so forth, eventually I am going to have to draw a line on where it's more than I'm willing to compromise on.

Have you tried dating someone with similar food preferences?

Your eating habits shouldn’t cause an issue, as long as there’s compromise. I.E partner not pressuring you to drink/eat something you don’t want to and on your part - yes I’ll come to the cafe but I’m not a morning eater, so I will just have a coffee.

I'd read this whole read and for me it boils down to how much do you want to be in a relationship? Because at 35 with no previous long term relationship experience that's a red flag regardless of whether it's because you eat weird healthy stuff or smell of vinegar or because there's something else going on. If you want to find a person, have babies etc then you are going to need to compromise on some parts of your life or search on a much much smaller dating pool which might include having to move your life to be with someone. If you're happy enough doing your own thing and enjoying a few dates here and there then crack on with your vinegar diet and using your new washer dryer.

I truly believe that in 10-20 years time we will look back on the standard western diet the same way we look back on smoking now. We'll know that it was hugely hugely damaging on a population level and killed so many people.

FWIW i agree with you on this. I still don't understand why if your partner wants to go out for breakfast, you won't go too.

Relationships are [meant to be] about give and take and having fun.

If someone really likes you, I'm not sure it would put them off. Everyone has their own "thing" and most people just work round it. Examples are like previous people have said: vegan + non-vegan dating; smoking + non-smoking; t-total + non-tea total; sporty + sedentary etc. It might not be for everyone, but I can't imagine it would stop someone falling in love with you. Added to the fact that people often change throughout their life, for example by giving up alcohol, smoking, meat, ultra-processed food - will they suddenly get dumped?

How do you feel about the relationships that didn't work out? Was there anyone you really loved and felt devastated by, or were you not that into them either? Might just be you haven't found that spark/true love and it would have ended anyway even if you didn't have your eating regime.

There is no way that your opinion that 99.9% of people are essentially "living wrongly" and will one day see the light doesn't come out in your attitude to other people.

Yes I do think it’s hindering your relationships- its interesting your friend mentioned it to you, after all you have said here about hardly ever mentioning it to others!

I think most people would find the inflexibility an issue, and see it as an unwillingness to compromise - occasionally joining your partner for a healthy brunch at 12 noon (while they have a breakfast) is a nice compromise- they get to spend time doing something they enjoy, with you, which does not have all your terms and conditions attached!

It would put me off because I’d be bored sh*tless but then you wouldn’t be with me because I’m a greedy fat ar5e. You need to look for health conscious gym bores probably

I don't know how you could live like this and not ever mention it, tbh, because it's so restrictive. If you live an active and sociable life, it's inevitably going to come up.

My DH and I do all of those too. I think you just need to find a likeminded partner. Maybe you're looking in the wrong places? Gyms, health focussed groups or clubs, fasting forums - places where people like us might congregate. Is there a health focussed or vegan dating app?

I mean this kindly but.....is your friend trying to tell you something else? It is possible that your way of eating, however health-giving it may be, is causing odours.

Some people notice an increase in body odour when drinking ACV. Then there's the bad breath often associated with fasting and ketosis. Black coffee is also a culprit. Perhaps your plant-based diet is causing smelly wind.

If these things are important to you, and it's important to you that someone shares the same values, yes, some men will find it off putting as they might feel like they can't relax in your presence. Most, even athletic and fit men will still enjoy the occasional beer or a burger. I'm a very "oh, go on then" kind of person and wouldn't want to feel self-conscious of my choices with my partner or feel like we can't share the joys of cooking and eating together and treating ourselves. Either you will have to be extremely easygoing about your partner's habits and not make a big deal about yours, or simply find someone who thinks the same way as you or looks up to your habits.

So the answer is much the same as to anyone in the dating scene - you are appealing to some people and not to others. If someone loves your personality and looks, your lifestyle won't make the tiniest bit of difference.

Why have previous relationships ended? These are the only clues to what's going wrong, really. Is it simply the case of not finding someone compatible, is it going for the wrong men, is it because the relationship breaks down after the first hurdle, etc? There's no way you would properly get to know someone in a few months.

If someone loves your personality and looks, your lifestyle won't make the tiniest bit of difference.

lifestyle absolutely matters!

It sounds to me as if the OP’s lifestyle as regards restrictive eating is definitely part and parcel of her personality.

This!

If you don’t mention it, people probably wouldn’t notice. If you mention it frequently, it’s bound to be off-putting.

I know, and that's not what I said if you read the sentence again. They cook from scratch, using very few UPFs.

Again, someone has misunderstood my point - it's definitely possible to eat out and avoid UPFs, but it's a massive PITA and basically involves you saying to your group of friends 'regardless of what you fancy, we can only eat here'

Do you start a conversation about your health regime very early in a relationship? Like on the first date? I agree you have to be clear about your preferences, but maybe taking it one day at a time food-wise is more gentle on a prospective partner,🤔

I really don't think most blokes would really care too much about this.

This doesn't answer your question but I'm becoming interested in gut health and the relationship to autoimmune diseases
If anyone has recommendations on where to start with any reliable reading / documentaries etc so I can start to learn more about it all I'd be grateful

There is nothing wrong with your eating regime, but if you are totally inflexible then that may well play a part.

I remember once a group of young men being asked their views on dating, and they all said the thing they find the most annoying is taking someout out for a meal who "can't eat this", and "can't eat that."

Eating is supposed to be enjoyable, not a chore.

Well, that comment seals it for me. I wouldn't want to date anyone so judgemental. I eat ultra processed and high sugar foods, as did my parents, and my grandparents. None of us were addicted to them.

You are going too far in one extreme - there is a medium path between living on unhealthy foods and being obsessive about your diet, and if you choose the latter then you must accept that the majority of people are going to find your views a little odd. As I said, eating is supposed to contain an element of joy.

Like many PP I don't think it's your dietary choices that are off-putting, I think it's your rigidity. So you've narrowed the pool down to people with your dietary choices and rigid way of thinking. Or someone with your dietary choices who is also extraordinarily laid back and tolerant of your rigidity. Which is fine, if you are OK with being single unless and until you can find someone like that.

Lots of assumptions about a superiority complex and judging other people- this just isn't true 🤷🏻‍♀️ I've stated that I believe the problem is in health and food policies and not with individuals, how does that suggest that I am judgemental and superior?

There just is something about your posts that does come across as somewhat judgemental. I think it might be the rigidity. If there's no give there at all, it does suggest you do feel superior. And sometimes someone doesn't have to say anything directly. It's just the 'no, I'm not coming to the cafe with you. I can't eat before midday, it's bad for my health'. There are a lot of subtexts and assumptions there even if that's not directly what you're saying. But it's fine to narrow the field - it's probably what more people should do. Then the relationships board wouldn't be full of people going out with someone totally unsuitable for them.