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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this might be contributing to my difficulty finding a partner

650 replies

healthgal · 20/09/2023 07:59

I'm 35 and in a professional job, own a home, reasonably attractive, slim, and a friendly sort of person.

But despite looking and dating for 15 years, I've never found a relationship which has lasted more than a few months.

I was discussing with a friend last night and she suggested that one aspect of my lifestyle could be quite off-putting to potential men, and I'm wondering if this could be part of the reason.

I deeply believe in and follow certain lifestyle measures which I believe (and evidence shows) is beneficial to my health. Such habits include;

  • fasting such that I only eat lunch and dinner
  • avoiding all ultra processed food, which means cooking my own largely plant based food (although am not vegan)
  • drinking apple cider vinegar before each meal
  • only drinking water and black coffee really

I have no intention of changing these habits as evidence shows them to be hugely beneficial to health. For special occasions like weddings etc I will be flexible, but I'm never going to be someone who goes for a KFC etc.

I obviously couldn't dictate that a future partner followed the same ethos as me, but subconsciously probably wouldn't pursue someone who wasn't at least semi health focused.

But it's got me thinking, is my lifestyle extremist? And is it putting potential suitors off?

OP posts:
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Symphony24 · 21/09/2023 12:58

And no you don't need a man equally health conscious. You need someone who isn't really into junk food and understands life isn't defined by what you don't eat. Otherwise people with allergies could only ever date others with allergies.

Macaroni46 · 21/09/2023 13:33

Thinking about the cafe example, I'd actually find it off putting if someone came along and only had a coffee. It would spoil the experience for me. But that's just me. I can only date fellow food lovers.

willWillSmithsmith · 21/09/2023 13:39

Symphony24 · 21/09/2023 12:58

And no you don't need a man equally health conscious. You need someone who isn't really into junk food and understands life isn't defined by what you don't eat. Otherwise people with allergies could only ever date others with allergies.

Is not just that though is it, it’s the rigidly not eating before 1pm, (not sure if OP has said when she stops eating in the evening), the not going with a bf to a cafe because he wanted breakfast and she didn’t. It’s all seems a bit soulless. Even a platonic friend would probably find it a bit tedious if they were on holiday together.

Stompythedinosaur · 21/09/2023 13:43

I think most people form relationships with people they share values and interests with.

I think if your values and interests are quite different to most people, then it will be harder to find a suitable partner.

There's also something in a relationship about finding a way to be together that is a compromise or a coming together. I think it can be harder when you are fixed in your life and routines and want a partner that slots in, because that rarely happens.

But you sound happy with your life and confident with your choices, so does it matter all that much if other people think differently?

Crikeyalmighty · 21/09/2023 13:46

@OpheliaABC it's easy to say that but I have to be totally honest (and maybe I'm just unlucky) but I have never met anyone who has quite rigid ways about them around food and drink who is much of a laugh and are often usually quite intense and can be preachy around others- a few vegans I know are a bit like this .

Some men won't have an issue with it - many will if I'm being honest

Tinybrother · 21/09/2023 14:08

Hmm I think it’s a mistake to assume that someone who accompanied you for breakfast and only had coffee wasn’t a food lover Macaroni46

I would be quite happy to tuck in while someone else just had a coffee - particularly because I would be happy that they were comfortable stating what they wanted rather than doing something just to please me. But I have no hang ups about eating when other people aren’t etc

Oakbeam · 21/09/2023 14:57

Thinking about the cafe example, I'd actually find it off putting if someone came along and only had a coffee. It would spoil the experience for me. But that's just me. I can only date fellow food lovers.

I love food. It doesn’t mean that I eat it constantly. Sometimes a cup of coffee is enough. As long as it’s a good cup of coffee.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 21/09/2023 18:07

CapEBarra · 20/09/2023 16:16

If having ‘psychological issues’ gets me laid 4 times a week then sign me up!’

OP, you’ll need to find someone with the same beliefs as you, and someone who is prepared to work to your timetable. You sound quite rigid and inflexible - and that’s ok - you are who you are. Your principles are important to you and that’s good, but it sounds like you need someone just like you and that is probably a fairly small dating pool. You could try joining healthy eating Facebook groups or something like that - and I suspect there are plenty of hardcore cyclists who might follow a similar regime.

Show quote history

🤔

CauliflowerBalti · 21/09/2023 18:19

I fast and drink apple cider vinegar. I’m married. I don’t eat as carefully as you but I think he’s still love me if I did. He’d welcome the kick up the arse I think to eat better. So no, I don’t think it’s those things. And I don’t think you’re all that weird either.

2andadog · 21/09/2023 18:21

What sort of man are you attracted to OP?

It sounds like you are quite rigid in your mindset, and are thinking of all the things you do and don’t want them to do, rather than what you do want and what you and they need to bring to the table.

FYI, I am heavily into health and fitness, and have competed at a high level in sport, and have a nutritionist, and don’t know anyone in high performance who speaks about food or is that rigid about small habits as you are who haven’t got eating disorders. Even body builders who are entirely about aesthetics look at the big picture of macros and nutrients over regimes which have little scientific backing to the general population.

It is borderline obsessive and suggests maybe some underlying issues towards body image/health concerns which you may want to look into a bit more as may be more of the issue?

RecoveGrowThrive · 21/09/2023 18:24

Genuinely shocked by some of the negative comments and judgements you've received on this thread. Your choices are sensible and well informed, particularly re UPF. Fasting rocks, its a wise choice for healtj - so what if you don't want a fry up? Find your tribe - informed, aware people are out there. Good luck.

MadisonR · 21/09/2023 18:25

What is wrong with eating breakfast?, I must have missed most of this health advice.
I agree with everyone else, find someone with the same interest in these things.

2andadog · 21/09/2023 18:26

RitaFires · 21/09/2023 10:21

Part of the issue is that these fervent beliefs are so specific. Lots of people who are very concerned with health are going to have similar but not matching beliefs, some will recoil at the thought of the caffeine in your coffee, some who are super into fitness are going to take supplements which are extremely processed, a qualified dietitian is probably going to think that you need to chill out and have some less healthy foods in moderation. This means it's much harder to find someone who agrees compared to say a vegan where most beliefs will align between one vegan and the next.

Also in the case of the breakfast, if I were that partner who invited you and you turned me down immediately because you don't eat before 1pm, I would feel rejected like you didn't actually like me or want to spend time with me. Are you really open to meeting someone or are you annoyed that they're intruding on your lifestyle and interrupting your true purpose of following your diet?

100% agree with all of this.

Yogalola · 21/09/2023 18:27

It’s only an issue if you make it one. I’m there’s loads of people who are equally as health conscious. It could be more that you sound very independent and fully in charge of your life that puts a potential partner off. Many men like needy women which clearly you’re not, don’t change the right person will come along when you least expect it.

QueenMegan · 21/09/2023 18:50

Wish I had your will power.
Do you fart alot? Maybe that's it

gardenflowergirl · 21/09/2023 19:18

I've done the Zoe trial too, but it isn't vegetarian or vegan as you're making out.
You could always keep some french fries or jackets potatoes in the freezer and uncle Ben's packs of rice in the cupboard,to go with whatever you're cooking, for guests. If you expect your guests to eat the same as you, I'm not surprised you put them off.
You could just have a black coffee if he wants to go out for breakfast.
I'm into homeopathy too and I find that's what puts guys off not the diet.

Macaroni46 · 21/09/2023 19:30

Tinybrother · 21/09/2023 14:08

Hmm I think it’s a mistake to assume that someone who accompanied you for breakfast and only had coffee wasn’t a food lover Macaroni46

I would be quite happy to tuck in while someone else just had a coffee - particularly because I would be happy that they were comfortable stating what they wanted rather than doing something just to please me. But I have no hang ups about eating when other people aren’t etc

That's why I said "That's just me". I don't like eating when my companion isn't. I'm not saying it's the same for others, it's just my honest personal preference.

Macaroni46 · 21/09/2023 19:32

Oakbeam · 21/09/2023 14:57

Thinking about the cafe example, I'd actually find it off putting if someone came along and only had a coffee. It would spoil the experience for me. But that's just me. I can only date fellow food lovers.

I love food. It doesn’t mean that I eat it constantly. Sometimes a cup of coffee is enough. As long as it’s a good cup of coffee.

That's why I said ' That's just me'. I was expressing my honest personal opinion. I'm not saying others should be like that.

riceuten · 21/09/2023 19:34

Most reasonable people will think this is quirky but not unattractive - do you expect your putative partners to accord to these standards as well.?

Loopytiles · 21/09/2023 19:35

It all sounds faddy and based on dodgy ‘wellness industry’ BS.

Apple cider vinegar, for example, is not evidenced to have any health benefits whatsoever! Great episode of Maintenance Phase podcast about that.

AlltheFs · 21/09/2023 19:36

In a nutshell, yes.

It’s not that it’s particularly extreme but it just screams “fun sponge” I’m afraid.

Goodornot · 21/09/2023 19:51

Loopytiles · 21/09/2023 19:35

It all sounds faddy and based on dodgy ‘wellness industry’ BS.

Apple cider vinegar, for example, is not evidenced to have any health benefits whatsoever! Great episode of Maintenance Phase podcast about that.

Apple cider vinegar is so acidic it erodes tooth enamel. Hardly worth the pseudo benefits.

Bib1234 · 21/09/2023 20:12

So you skip breakfast?
it it really ‘fasting’ if you eat lunch and dinner 😂

DuchessofSuffolk · 21/09/2023 20:17

As someone who loves a bit of cheese and port I wouldn’t want to be with someone who wouldn’t want to have cheese and port with me… there is someone out there for everyone

wednesdayatone · 21/09/2023 20:51

I think your lifestyle choices are actually quite on trend and you're certainly not alone in the intermittent fasting, glucose goddess approach

But you do sound very rigid in your lifestyle and a little obsessive

I bet Jesse goddess woman has days off her ACV and eats a bag if crisps and a drinks glass of wine

What about on holiday? Don't you ever enjoy a hotel breakfast?

Im getting the impression that you're a bit boring. Sorry ! You sound stilted

The 80/20 approach is what most health conscious, sensible people live by

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