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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this might be contributing to my difficulty finding a partner

650 replies

healthgal · 20/09/2023 07:59

I'm 35 and in a professional job, own a home, reasonably attractive, slim, and a friendly sort of person.

But despite looking and dating for 15 years, I've never found a relationship which has lasted more than a few months.

I was discussing with a friend last night and she suggested that one aspect of my lifestyle could be quite off-putting to potential men, and I'm wondering if this could be part of the reason.

I deeply believe in and follow certain lifestyle measures which I believe (and evidence shows) is beneficial to my health. Such habits include;

  • fasting such that I only eat lunch and dinner
  • avoiding all ultra processed food, which means cooking my own largely plant based food (although am not vegan)
  • drinking apple cider vinegar before each meal
  • only drinking water and black coffee really

I have no intention of changing these habits as evidence shows them to be hugely beneficial to health. For special occasions like weddings etc I will be flexible, but I'm never going to be someone who goes for a KFC etc.

I obviously couldn't dictate that a future partner followed the same ethos as me, but subconsciously probably wouldn't pursue someone who wasn't at least semi health focused.

But it's got me thinking, is my lifestyle extremist? And is it putting potential suitors off?

OP posts:
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5
Tinkerbell1281 · 21/09/2023 20:52

Don’t worry about it. We (my husband and I) follow the same - ACV and no UPF - home cook with our own veg etc. We cook pretty adventurous meals from around the world, with a lot of variety, and also eat in really good restaurants with fresh meats/ fish/ good wine etc. if anything I’d assume your habits meant you were informed about your health and cooking - and probably had a taste for good flavours. You’ll find a man who either shares your views or who respects them. Good luck! X

Poppingmad123 · 21/09/2023 20:52

I think this is the only one that might be an issue if partner wants to have a drink, late night kebab, curry etc. The rest should not really be so noticeable unless you talk about it a lot.

  • avoiding all ultra processed food, which means cooking my own largely plant based food (although am not vegan)

But I’m sure you know plenty of healthier alternatives you could apply in any situation so … have any of these actually come up as an issue with any of the partners you’ve had?

you must have more of an inclination why it’s not worked out though, more than your friend.

OhcantthInkofaname · 21/09/2023 21:32

The rigidity of your "lifestyle" might be off putting. An extra crispy KFC breast, once in a while, is quite uplifting!

Greenly3 · 21/09/2023 21:33

No you are not unreasonable I too follow the same regime and it’s non negotiable for me too! Good luck xxx

Goodornot · 21/09/2023 21:38

Greenly3 · 21/09/2023 21:33

No you are not unreasonable I too follow the same regime and it’s non negotiable for me too! Good luck xxx

What are you doing to.protrct your teeth from the damage the vinegar will do?

marblesthecat · 21/09/2023 21:45

RecoveGrowThrive · 21/09/2023 18:24

Genuinely shocked by some of the negative comments and judgements you've received on this thread. Your choices are sensible and well informed, particularly re UPF. Fasting rocks, its a wise choice for healtj - so what if you don't want a fry up? Find your tribe - informed, aware people are out there. Good luck.

I'm not at all shocked. People get weirdly defensive about food.

user1487768885 · 21/09/2023 21:46

I think your friend might be right. Avoiding all ultra processed food & drinking only water & black coffee sounds extreme. Live a little. I cannot think of anyone I know would ever go out with you I'm sorry to say. I do know a friend who is similar to you. In her late 30s & single.

pammyp · 21/09/2023 22:23

Goodornot · 21/09/2023 19:51

Apple cider vinegar is so acidic it erodes tooth enamel. Hardly worth the pseudo benefits.

Show quote history

Definitely not. It can have negative effect taken regularly, via drinking, as the OP has been, and tooth enamel of course.
We only use it occasionally as a tonic for hens and it’s not good for them to have it too regularly.

It’s a concern that OP hasn’t researched it properly and makes me worry that extends to the other areas.

Pinkfluff76 · 21/09/2023 23:36

Don’t think that’s too hectic. I don’t eat breakfast either. The mostly plant based would be an issue for me 😂 Do you belong to a gym? Might be easier finding healthier people there. I only met my husband at 34. Good luck. You sound lovely!

Juicyj1993 · 21/09/2023 23:37

Want to start by making it super clear that your life is yours to leave as you want and if this way of eating and living makes you feel good, why not?

To answer your question this would put me off for the following reasons

  • I have a big family/friend group with regular occasions, surrounding food, sometimes before 1pm and sometimes surrounding processed food. I'd want my partner to be able to come and partake.
  • If I am cooking I want to cook for my partner too and most of my lazy/super easy meals would no longer be an option. I am happy to cook from scratch but don't always want to do it everytime.
  • I love trying new restaurants and new foods and want to do that with my partner
  • Based on some of your replies I think I might feel judged if I do have a KFC or a pizza
  • If I was coming into the relationship with children/wanted children in the future, could this diet make things more difficult?

I would feel like these habits would isolate my partner, from me and the other people in my life.

momonpurpose · 22/09/2023 04:36

OhcantthInkofaname · 21/09/2023 21:32

The rigidity of your "lifestyle" might be off putting. An extra crispy KFC breast, once in a while, is quite uplifting!

Now I want KFC

Tinybrother · 22/09/2023 05:08

@Macaroni46
“That's why I said "That's just me". I don't like eating when my companion isn't. I'm not saying it's the same for others, it's just my honest personal preference.”

yes I got that from your post, that’s fine. The part of my post that disagreed with yours was in saying that someone not eating when you were isn’t a “food lover” - they could well be, just don’t want to eat at that moment

Ladybug14 · 22/09/2023 06:17

healthgal · 20/09/2023 09:54

To those saying I'm ignoring comments that I should be more flexible:

I'm not ignoring per se, but my post isn't about me being unsure whether to be more flexible. I've been quite clear that I am happy with my lifestyle and don't intend on changing. My post is about whether this is likely hindering my potential relationships, and the response has been a mixed bag tbf!

It's a bit like if a vegan posted with the same question, having a stated that they are happy with the lifestyle and have no intent to change, and people replying 'can you be more flexible and just eat meat sometimes'. The answer is obviously going to be no.

Yes, I think your rigidity is likely putting off suitors.

But you've said you won't change so I'm not sure what you want us to say

The only option is to find someone who lives like you do with the same dogged rigidity

Younglady18 · 22/09/2023 06:41

I started a similar lifestyle a few years ago. OH knows but I try not to let it impact & I don’t talk about it to him. Can see why a new relationship might not be successful. Most people don’t enjoy hearing about extreme diets & lifestyle.

Doone22 · 22/09/2023 06:45

It's not extreme to do these things but to me it shouts out that you have a rigid, inflexible outlook. It's more likely that this is what puts people off or even more likely you are too inflexible to tolerate others.
You say you are friendly but you don't sound relaxed or warm or open.
Do you want a partner though? I'm sure there is someone out there who likes you the way you are but maybe they're difficult to meet? Especially if you don't eat or drink out.
You don't say what your hobbies are or interests or how you are choosing to meet people.

Sigmama · 22/09/2023 06:49

Bib, where do you think the word breakfast comes from?

Notpooryet · 22/09/2023 06:56

marblesthecat · 21/09/2023 21:45

I'm not at all shocked. People get weirdly defensive about food.

Show quote history

Including people like the OP...

wednesdayatone · 22/09/2023 06:56

So much of dating and relationships revolve around food, drinks, eating out on dates .

Going to the pub . Sharing a bottle of wine

It's possible to do those things and still be healthy most of the time

Nourish your body but don't neglect your soul

HarrietsweetHarriet · 22/09/2023 07:05

OP you are doing the healthiest thing for your body it's an enviable diet. You're absolutely right that it's healthiest for you. It's also better for the environment . You are less likely to suffer from a range of Illnesses and be less of a drain on resources such as the NHS...the obesity problem among children and adults in the UK is common knowledge. Likewise I would never eat a KFC, McDonald's etc and the idea that these are viewed as 'treats' is skewed. I am trying to follow similar lifestyle guidelines, however my DH is very much on board with it and we are mid-life now and very much conscious of keeping as healthy as possible into our dotage in an attempt to prolong our lives as far as possible !
However... I have discovered that most people don't want to hear about this unless you happen to meet people who hold similar views and then you can swap tips etc.
I often get ridiculed, criticised or plain insulted so I've learnt to generally keep quiet about it.
I would suggest looking for dating sites that focus on sustainable living practices healthy lifestyles that sort of thing, people who think alternatively. I can't recommend any specific ones as it's not on my radar but there must be some out there.
Good luck OP, you sound lovely and are doing the right thing it's just that most people haven't got into this mindset yet. You're a bit ahead of your time!

Wanderingllama · 22/09/2023 07:17

Nourish your body but don't neglect your soul

Big fan of this! 👏

Frydaycryday · 22/09/2023 08:19

It is different to being vegan though.
Vegan foods are now widely available and they would be happy to get a take away on a Friday or nip to the pub for a meal.

Or go and get breakfast in a morning. The social aspect of dating is so important at the beginning. Dates should be relaxed. You should share dessert, drink the wine etc.

So yes it is off putting. Unless you find your people.

CarpetDiem · 22/09/2023 08:44

You sound as though you maybe on the ASD OP. This is not meant as an insult- my DS is and I see there are similarities re. diet and rigid routine. I am going to assume you are like this in other aspects of your life, this is why you don’t get past the few month mark.
My advice is you need a partner who is also ND 😊they will understand you better.

Mumof3confused · 22/09/2023 09:22

These are not extreme behaviours.

Mumof3confused · 22/09/2023 09:25

I do think it’s a bit extreme to not break your fast a little early (say 11am) to go for brunch on a weekend with your partner. Doing that would not affect your health in any way (I’m saying that as a FM practitioner so I have studied this extensively).

Tinybrother · 22/09/2023 09:26

It’s extreme when you do not allow any flexibility. That may be for a good reason - I have described my health condition above and I have to stick to a particular way of eating to avoid being ill. The OP’s reasons may be excellent. That doesn’t stop it being extreme.