To think this might be contributing to my difficulty finding a partner

[healthgal]

I'm 35 and in a professional job, own a home, reasonably attractive, slim, and a friendly sort of person.

But despite looking and dating for 15 years, I've never found a relationship which has lasted more than a few months.

I was discussing with a friend last night and she suggested that one aspect of my lifestyle could be quite off-putting to potential men, and I'm wondering if this could be part of the reason.

I deeply believe in and follow certain lifestyle measures which I believe (and evidence shows) is beneficial to my health. Such habits include;

• fasting such that I only eat lunch and dinner
• avoiding all ultra processed food, which means cooking my own largely plant based food (although am not vegan)
• drinking apple cider vinegar before each meal
• only drinking water and black coffee really

I have no intention of changing these habits as evidence shows them to be hugely beneficial to health. For special occasions like weddings etc I will be flexible, but I'm never going to be someone who goes for a KFC etc.

I obviously couldn't dictate that a future partner followed the same ethos as me, but subconsciously probably wouldn't pursue someone who wasn't at least semi health focused.

But it's got me thinking, is my lifestyle extremist? And is it putting potential suitors off?

You don't have to do all the above. Popcorn at the movies, that shouldn't even be an issue. Go to watch the movie and people get a snack if they want one. No obligation to have any at all. I can't imagine anyone caring about whether you have a movie snack. I've never had anyone expect to share popcorn with me.

Wine - not necessary. I don't drink at all and it's never an issue. You definitely don't have to have two if one is okay by you.

A cafe breakfast is the only one you may need to think about, as that is inherently more of a social interaction. I wouldn't bother going with someone who is just going to nurse a coffee, but don't most cafes these days have a lot of healthy options? Maybe that can be your weekly treat, and you can still keep it healthy? I'd often get something like a poached egg on smashed avocado on wholewheat bread with a coffee. Sometimes there are wholegrain porridges or chia or birchers or other good options.

That's just one thing and not a huge compromise. You don't have to adjust at all ever but you do very much limit the dating pool then. I don't believe you should compromise who you are if you're looking for a life partner, but some flexibility that still allows you to be who you are might be beneficial.

@JudyEdithPerry thanks so much I appreciate it

I also think it’s a good idea to reflect on the impact of loneliness and re-prioritising the health of your relationships. Maybe worth thinking about what you want to be healthy for. Good health gives you capacity to live a full life, to live well. So if your health practices are getting in the way of relationships and connecting with others this is actually diminishing the whole purpose of being healthy in the first place. Loneliness has the same impact on mortality as smoking, it’s just as important to nourish your relationships as your body.

I expect your best bet might be meeting men through gym exercise classes

I think that anyone that describes themselves as 'deeply believing' in fasting and drinking ACV wouldn't be for me. I don't drink, never eat breakfast, cook from scratch at home with minimal ufps but none of those things are 'deep beliefs' for me, just preferences that I will switch up if I happen to be hungry one morning or we are out somewhere nice for breakfast or dh fancies takeaway pizza. I think describing these things as 'deep beliefs' indicates some form of obsession and a tendency to boring monologues about food.

Like others have said I'm sure there are others like you out there and your best chances of meeting someone would be to go somewhere that people who share your 'deep beliefs' would be most likely to hang out.

This definitely is worth reflecting on OP. Loneliness is a killer and will affect you far more than having the odd healthy brunch before 1pm.

Yes but also eat out, have pastries, eat breakfast. Here OP has such rigid views even about giving partner company for once a week breakfast because she wont touch food till 1pm. It's not just about UPFs with OP.

Did you start this thread to preach people about your way of eating? Then that's what you should have said in OP and title.

Yes, I really do think this would help a relationship. It’s nice to have company, and it wouldn’t put me off if my partner wanted just coffee while I had a meal. We could still do all the other enjoyable parts of going out together, relaxing, leisurely chat etc. Just allowing flexibility in their routine is nice in a relationship, IMHO. Also, a compromise like having brunch at 12, or 1 o’clock, so eat together but eating what each of you like, so picking a brunch place with options.
No criticism of your eating choices though, I’ve been trying to kick a horrible sugar and processed food habit and it’s hard. I’m sure you look and feel great.

Absolutely not OP! Your choices sound completely reasonable. Just don't make them a topic of conversation or you'll come across as very, very boring.

Hi op,
my situation many years ago was the sort of opposite.
when I met my partner, I was at least 1.5 stone heavier than I am now, I didn’t specifically exercise, I ate meat and fish and dairy, and apart from migraines, I didn’t think much about health.
It was he (partly because he was trying to heal a beloved family member) who mentioned a different lifestyle for food and exercise, and I became enthused and I am so much happier for eating and exercising mindfully.
so… if I was in your position, NO! to giving up how I live in terms of food, exercise and the mindset I have towards healthy living.
If a potential partner couldn’t tolerate my choices, then I would consider myself better off without them.
its so inspiring (to me) to live with someone who I can share my healthy lifestyle with.
We don’t find it “boring” at all, and it’s lead to growing food (and attracted many bees due to the flowering herbs) in our garden, and foraging for edible “weeds”, and enjoying time out amongst the trees in local forests.
So op, it may be that your lifestyle keeps you single, but don’t settle for for less just in order to have a relationship…. Maybe do things that might attract a health conscious person… maybe an allotment, or are there any vegan or plant based cookery courses… or join a foraging group.
A pp said it’s healthy to be in a loving happy relationship…. Sure yes it is, but not if the partner is put off by your choices.

I think what you are missing is compromise

I have friends or family who want to do things that I don't always want to do. However, I will join with them, because it is something that THEY want to do.

Secondly, lots of people have different dietary requirements, myself included. So find somewhere that accommodates different types of diets.

• drinking apple cider vinegar before each meal

@healthgal
Aren't you worried about tooth enamel erosion and other problems! We give this to our hens, only occasionally as it can cause problems, as a tonic.

I doubt your health choices alone are off putting (I've started avoiding UPF foods and know many who do), but, and as pps have said, if you're being obsessive or performative about them. Or could be something else, even something shallow about your attractiveness level.

Locally we have Turkish, Lebanese restaurants offering good vegetarian & vegan meals (without fake meat) and plenty of other pubs & cafes that aren't offering microwaved ready meals. It does come down to attitude though.

Just because a restaurant isn't serving microwaved ready meals doesn't mean everything isn't UPF... How many restaurants actually even serve microwaved ready meals?!

@WinterDeWinter

I know, and that's not what I said if you read the sentence again. They cook from scratch, using very few UPFs

If you read what I said, there is UPFs in their diet though & if you read the OP she avoiding all ultra processed food, which means cooking my own largely plant based food so she's not eating a mediterranean diet....

Further to earlier post about making a song and dance about what you eat, there are actually some very fussy men out there regarding food. I met several when dating.

I am veggie, made that decision as a child, good 'from scratch' cook, love experimenting- growing food, fermenting things, incorporating 'superfoods' that interest me whenever they pop up, exercise, make time for a bit of cheese, chocolate and previously wine though. I don't eat much UPF or sugar, but would go for a meal wherever. I say this to make the point that I am a healthy and conscious if balanced eater but still felt a big contrast to some of these chaps.

I met several men obsessed with their diets when dating. Vegans, paleo, whatever the fad was. Some behaved as though I was eating crack sandwiches if I ordered a glass of wine or a hot choc. It came across to me as fearful, joyless and rather self obsessed. I had no interest in dating them. However for the right woman, it could be a common interest.

A lot of them listed 'vegan' or 'nutrition' as an interest online so it's clear. Could be worth having a look for.

Also yes, food and drink are social. Perhaps easiest to accept that if you want to date and find your boundaries so you seem more confident and comfortable without feeling like you're 'transgressing' as that is where this judgemental and obsessive feel comes in. Nobody needs to drink alcohol. Nobody needs to eat snacks at the cinema. I don't like popcorn or have a sweet tooth so I just don't. At a meal, we keep coming back to breakfast, honestly, how do you think it would affect your body to have scrambled eggs and grilled tomatoes and wholemeal toast, or porridge? Do you think it will affect your life expectancy? If you don't want to go out and eat then fine but a lot of social activity is centred around it so you'll have to think of alternatives. I would look for one of these fussy men tbh.

Based on the discussion, it's evident that Mumsnet users prefer a substantial breakfast.

Hi OP, yes I suspect this is an issue. It’s not so much your particular habits, but the inflexibility- eg refusing to accompany your partner for breakfast once a week because
you never eat before 1pm. would it be the worst thing in the world to make an exception and go order some avocado and toast and black coffee and eat an hour or two earlier on one day ? I would definitely find this unattractive in a partner and would expect it to translate over to other aspects of your personality. I think being excessively controlling, singular minded and inflexible in one’s mindset/ habits/ lifestyle can def make it harder to find a partner, as relationships by their nature are dependent on flexibility and compromise.

You can have non upf pizza

It matters, but not enough, if you actually fall for someone. If you want to make it work with someone, you accept and respect their differences to you. Relationships are always about compromise. If one of your core values is to be fit and healthy all the time and you want to live in that kind of environment, then yes, it won't work with someone who leads a sedentary life. But if you're content in that your fitness and eating regime is your own thing and don't try to change your partner, I can't see any reason why the relationship can't work. There are more important things in a committed, long-lasting relationship. Do you share the same sense of humour? Do you communicate well? Do you love being in each other's company? Do you laugh together a lot? Do you look forward to a future together and share similar values about where you will live, whether you will have kids, what would marriage look like to you, etc.

This is it really, isn't it?

When I was (many moons ago) doing the 5:2 I didn't tell most people, and wouldn't engage in long conversations with someone who didn't seem to understand it or told me off for doing it. It's so much easier to keep your beliefs to yourself. It's exactly the same thing with things like religion, your political views and other sensitive subjects. Share those discussions with likeminded people and respect that others are different and don't want to be judged. If you feel like you can't compromise, find people who agree with you in these subjects and spend time with them.

Part of the issue is that these fervent beliefs are so specific. Lots of people who are very concerned with health are going to have similar but not matching beliefs, some will recoil at the thought of the caffeine in your coffee, some who are super into fitness are going to take supplements which are extremely processed, a qualified dietitian is probably going to think that you need to chill out and have some less healthy foods in moderation. This means it's much harder to find someone who agrees compared to say a vegan where most beliefs will align between one vegan and the next.

Also in the case of the breakfast, if I were that partner who invited you and you turned me down immediately because you don't eat before 1pm, I would feel rejected like you didn't actually like me or want to spend time with me. Are you really open to meeting someone or are you annoyed that they're intruding on your lifestyle and interrupting your true purpose of following your diet?

I am like you same age, single(parent) and happy to keep living by my rules because they make me feel good.

-Vegan, not a preachy one, still buy meat for DS if he wants it
-Daily exercise usually between 7-8:30am
-Dont drink alcohol
-Dont eat after 7pm and i steer clear of fast food
-Love breakfast, brunch, lunch but hate with a passion long drawn out meals in the evenings

So if somone i was dating wanted to eat a take away at 7:30pm then fine i would happily join them but not order anything, not because i dont like them or want to spend time with them but simply because i wouldnt enjoy a take away at that time. Totally bizarre that someone would associate declining going for breakfast with the explanation that you eat later in the day, would be a sign you dont like the person or want to spend time with them.

Similarily it wouldnt bother me if i got up and asked someone I was seeing to go for breakfast after a run and he said no i want a fry up a bit later on... I would simply think sure, he can do what makes him happy and i can do what makes me happy.

But did you say that you would expect a date or someone you are seeing to also live by these rules or that you are fine if they dont? Stick to your lifestyle if its making you happy. Why compromise or bend your rules and end up miserable that makes no sense...

Too many people are living in denial about the state of their mental and physcial health, and then those who do look after themselves are the bat-shit crazy ones who cant possibly be happy. Totally backwards. It seems to me that a lot of people still cant get their head around the fact that it is completely possible to enjoy a healthy diet and to really love exercising.

On the face of it? Maybe not.

But the reality is it's massively limiting the fun things in life.
Days out aren't really a possibility. Stopping off at a pub anywhere on your travels would be impossible.
You'd have to cook separate dinners if you didn't want to eat when OP does.
Would they let their hair down for a weeks holiday?

There's probably lots of other restrictions too. So they might not care initially, until they realise quite how limiting and all consuming it is.

I think the bit that’s odd with you about food OP, is the beliefs you have about your (potential) partner’s expectations too match what they are eating. Which may well be the reality for you, but it hasn’t been for me.

I take medication which raises my blood sugar levels, so I have monitor them, and I eat very low carbs to manage this - this isn’t what I think all people should do (I don’t care what other people eat), it’s what I know I have to do to keep myself well. I avoid talking about it with other people because it’s boring, annoying, and makes me feel self conscious, so if someone asks I might give a brief explanation but will move the conversation on quickly.

I’ve never had an issue joining in with other people with activities that involve food. Yes people might try to persuade me to eat stuff I’m not going to but I’m inured to that now.

the breakfast scenario - I would go along and have a coffee. Cinema and popcorn, I don’t like popcorn anyway, and I would just decline the popcorn, why would it mean missing out on the trip altogether? I enjoy people’s company so it’s still fun

are all the men you date expecting you to match them mouthful for mouthful? That is very weird if so. I do get there is social pressure to join in with stuff, and a lot of social stuff revolves around food I can’t eat - but people like me have to just get over any embarrassment at not joining in with that aspect because otherwise we wouldn’t ever get to join in with things.

I don't think these things you eat put people off. It's when they feel you're judging them. I understand because I'm much healthier in my diet than most people. I think its easy to accidentally appear judgy or for people to just feel shit by comparison. I wonder if you could make this less obvious before you know someone well. Talk about anything and everything else. Have a first date in a coffee shop or a restaurant where you can make healthy choices without having to quizz the waiter.

Also make sure your reasons sound personal to you. I say for example if I eat sugar it can affect my mental health and energy so I need to be careful.

I try to avoid saying everyone shouldn't eat this crap. Though I think it 🤣